A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A few years ago I fell for a friend. We spent a lot of time together and all of his words and actions signalled he had romantic interest. I did not know where I stood with him so I asked him and he started panicking and said “he might have been leading me on”. Bear in mind at the time this was a 45 year old man saying this! It is quite clear looking back and after talking to friends about numerous incidents he has anxiety, bad moods and low self-esteem – I could deal with the anxiety but not a man with bad moods and low self esteem. After that I would ignore him if he was at the same venue as me, that sounds immature but I was hurt. Eventually I made amends with him only for my own peace of mind. I have mainly avoided social avenues of bumping into him and moved on.Nearly 3 years later I saw him before lockdown as I had moved on and he asked if I was dating anyone. I thought in my head not this again and why is he being so nosy. I asked him about his dating and he then told me he had tried various dating avenues and it did not work. He would not get sympathy from me if that’s what he wants. It seems he tries to ask out women at walking groups but the majority of them reject him as word gets around that he just asks women out or they suss out his behaviour.I joined some singles waking groups during lockdown so when this is all over I can get out and meet new people. I noticed he is in these groups too, which he is free to do so being single. I noticed he has recently commented and liked some photos of a woman on there who lives about 2 hours away him even though he keeps saying he wants someone who lives within 30 minutes of him. It is quite clear he likes brunettes so I don’t know why he flirts with me being a blonde.He said he is fed up of older women contacting him on dating sites, I don’t think most younger women like him by the sounds of it. He is 48 years old now. When I saw him recently my feelings for him arose but I know he is not right for me. I do not want to fall in the trap again. We seem to go to the same groups that have the common based theme but I really cannot be bumping into him.I can’t believe I let my emotions hold me. I feel like crying right now and sick as I had thought after all of this time I had moved on. If this was another man I would easily let go of them. Usually I would see some friends or go out and do things to take my mind off it. I don’t want this unhealthy situation to drag on any longer. I want the strength to let go and be at peace. Has anyone got any advice please?
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flirt, immature, move on, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, hilary  +, writes (14 May 2020):
 This guy is never going to respect or take any woman seriously. You know that but you have this totally unrealistic idea that you can change him and make him into what you want him to be - like a stepford wife.
He is immature and so are you. He is not self aware and nor are you. Other than that you have nothing in common.
Sometimes women get this idea that a guy is theirs, that there is a relationship. This might be based on sleeping with him once and far too quickly, or it might be after a chat online. It is not realistic.
This guy wants a gorgeous younger woman - he has no chance of getting one a- even ones who are older than him would soon change their mind and dump him when they find out all of his flaws.
Apart from the fact he is a man, guy, what else has he got to offer? Great sense of humour? Good education? High i.q.? No. None of those. HE IS QUITE ORDINARY.
Is he the one that got away? If so just accept it.
Dust yourself off and move on. It is better to be single than in a non productive drama.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 May 2020):
 Maybe his own town is now "empty" of new women to try and woo. Or the kind of woman he WANTS to woo. Also.... Not dating in his own area might be so he can have privacy or avoid gossip from past dates, or it's a small town with "slim pickings".
But absolutely try and broaden your horizon, and avoid him as much as possible.
If he has access to your social media I'd quite honestly up the privacy setting and unfriend him. That could be how he "mysteriously" show up to events you are at. By following your social media.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn’t really cause a scene at the party as I was upset privately and then removed myself from the situation, drinking did not help. I don’t drink now but rarely drank anyway.
I’m definitely not stalking him; it is the other way around. I put my name down for a party or a walk first and then he will put his name down. I think if that happens again I will just have to take my name off and not go.
I have realised now I am just going to have to create new social circles. I made sure I avoided him for nearly a year, which really helped, and then I saw him before lockdown, which did not help. The thing is he does not live in my town yet comes to events in my town. I don’t know why he does not venture on his own territory.
I want to be happy and at peace. In the future I want to meet someone who respects me. I know it is an unhealthy situation and need to move on with my life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2020): Oh my! Did you actually cause such a scene at someone's party? You made the party all about you, and you placed your after-school drama smack in the middle of a gathering of adults who were invited there to have a good-time?
Okay, lets be frank here, my dear! If you're not over some guy and you're going to lose-it in public every-time you see him. Then maybe you need to hang in different circles where you know you don't have mutual-friends.
When people keep running into people they've broken-up with, or are supposedly trying to avoid. It's on purpose! No ifs, and's, or buts about it!
It's a conscious or deliberate effort to always shadow that person; and pretend like it's all by coincidence.
IT'S STALKING! It's either you, or it's him. My guess is that it is you!
It's coincidence only when it happens randomly, or a couple of times. If you live in a town so small you'll pass him going to the corner of the street; maybe it's time for a change of scenery!
Move to a new town, if you can't seem to move-on! I'm beginning to see this differently. You weren't really honest with us in your first post. This is about some guy you haven't gotten over. You're literally following him around! Likely keeping track of his movements by social media and chatting with mutual-friends.
Not good, and very very unhealthy, sweetheart!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 May 2020):
By moving on and keep moving.
And you are right it wasn't his fault. You made it clear you had no interest so he ZOOMED on to another women which in fact, SHOULD make you even more secure in your OWN choice of NOT trying to pursue him or encourage him to pursue you.
I mean.... THE same party that you rejected ANY re-kindling and where he "hinted" he was interested - he went about looking for another conquest. He can't have been THAT into the thought of another go with you if he HAD to start looking for someone new to date the VERY same night. Seriously.
Lastly, USE your words. You talk about him hinting. Maybe he was just being friendly because he knew you? Which would make it A LOT LESS sleazy for him to hit on someone else 5 minutes later. And about "acting dismissive" - BE a person, don't try and ACT.
Now something with this has turned you off but it has also hurt your pride because he rejected you when you thought things were going somewhere.
A LOT of what you "FEEL" about this man is based on conjecture and what you THINK he might be feeling or thinking - which are BOTH things you REALLY wouldn't know as you DO NOT really know him aside from him being friendly and obviously looking for a GF in the same arenas as you have used to look for a BF.
Bursting into tears because someone you haven't been REALLY romantically involved with is talking to another woman it's TOO much, too dramatic, a little too OVER INVESTED in something that NEVER even went past the starting line. So what can you do?
Change the subject, put on a brave face. Then talk to friends at a setting where it isn't about you.
I mean could you really have explained it to friend WHY you cried without sounding a little over the top? Can you even explain it to yourself? Like you said, it WASN'T his "fault". You made it clear that you wanted nothing to do with him. But was it because he has previously rejected you? Or because you REALLY don't want anything to do with him? You have to be honest with yourself here.
Because IF it was the first, I can see crying, even if it's STILL a tad drama-queen-ish. If it's the Second, then it makes NO sense. You should be GLEEFULLY happy that he left you be and chatted up someone else.
So you NEED to process what is REALLY going on here. Because otherwise you will meet a great guy and run into this one and start crying and then what?
Hopefully once this lock-down is done and you get ON WITH life, you will leave him behind in the dust.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been researching and making plans for the future to pursue new hobbies and meet new people which has helped me focus. I look forward to going down new avenues and the new groups look great.
I have one concern. 18 months ago a friend had a Christmas party and the guy I liked was there. At the time I was acting dismissive as I wanted to seem like I had moved on. He tried to hint he was still interested but he thought I had moved on. He started chatting to another woman at the party and they were getting on.
A friend came up to me and asked how I was as they had not seen me in a while. Obviously this question triggered my feelings and emotions and I burst into tears saying I was not ok. Some other friends rallied round to help me calm down as I was shaking from seeing him with this woman. The guy I liked never saw this happen. It was not his fault, he was just talking to someone.
The thing is how I can handle myself when there will be birthday parties he will be at? I can’t avoid celebrations for my friends. I can’t let my feelings consume me.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (1 May 2020):
 What is is about this guy that attracts you? You know from your own experience and from what you have heard that he is terrified of commitment of any sort - even something as casual as dating.
In order to "let go" and move on, you need to figure out WHY you are drawn to him, then work on convincing yourself that is not enough.
By the sound of it he likes to yank your chain a bit when he has failed to have any luck with anyone else. It is your choice whether you choose to ignore that or to react to it. You do have the power to see him without reacting to him. At first you may have to work at not reacting but, in time and with practice, it will become the "norm" and you will wonder what you saw in this guy.
I would also suggest widening your circle of friends. Maybe you could take up a different hobby so that you meet a completely new set of people and find someone who is not afraid or reluctant to be with you.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2020): Your body can't go where your feet won't take it! Just because he triggers emotions within you; doesn't mean you have to follow-through on them.
We are adults. Cognizant, self-aware, and intelligent beings. During our earlier-development in life, we have acquired the power of self-control; and hopefully, some commonsense. We do not allow ourselves to just submit to our impulses; or helplessly surrender to our emotions. That's what maturity is all about. We've been around long enough to develop, and work-on, our interactive-skills; and refine those character-traits that best represent who we are as a person.
I warn people about developing romantic-feelings and pursing them within previously platonic-friendships. Often they are merely experimental-feelings; or simply convenient...like fishing in a barrel. Sometimes it's an act of desperation. It's convenient not to have to search-out and break-in a total stranger. When you have somebody you are familiar with, and can trust, and standing within an arm's-length. You know their likes and dislikes, so why not? The problem is, when the novelty wears-off! When the heat fizzles, and the fantasies subside. Post-sex, when the feelings in one partner reverts back to platonic! You shudder, because you feel this slightly guilty-feeling; like you've crossed a boundary, you knew you shouldn't cross. Now things are...weird!
It either gets complicated, or excruciatingly weirder. You liked the guy better when he was just a friend; because you didn't have to reach into the inner-depths of his personality. You were happy accepting him at face-value. Becoming more than friends goes beyond that! You didn't like what you found under the surface. For the sake of commonsense, and the wisdom of experience; you should let that perception stick!!! Let it register! Digest it; so you won't repeat a mistake!
Ducking and dodging him is ridiculous; and you shouldn't let your inner-teenage drama queen take control of your behavior. You don't avoid anybody who can't hurt you. You act with dignity and poise; you nod politely, and go on about your business. Don't run until you're absolutely sure he won't see you!
Now about that mess with his interest in another woman. That has nothing to do with you; it just gnawed at your ego, and took a swipe at your vanity. It triggered your "how-dare-you" reflex! You used to be the one that floated his boat, now his attention is drawn to somebody else. That's quite unflattering, and embarrassing. It's that sinking-feeling I felt when I first found-out my ex (who dumped me), was dating somebody else two-months later! We didn't even fight, or breakup after a nasty row; he just said I deserved somebody better. Well, I proved him right! I found somebody much much much better! That's another story! Just letting you know I can relate to that feeling in your lower-gut; like a bowling ball, or holding a weight inside your intestines. Your stomach feels a little sick. Your heart turns to lead! I thought I was feeling more myself, and...swoosh...I slid down that greasy-slope, and felt totally humiliated. My friend saw the two of them together; while on vacation in South Beach! I could have gone all year without that news! Now back to subject! This is about you, not about me! I can relate, sweetheart!
She has different attributes; so you feel unable to compete on the same level. That's because deep in the recesses of your psyche, you feel rejected and replaced; like she one-upped you by being fresh and unfamiliar. Closer to his preference..."type!" That's your vanity talking, girlfriend! You have no true-feelings for him! Unrequited, hidden, or otherwise! She's no better, and no worse. There is no competition, and he's obviously no prize! She's just different, another flavor, and pitifully unaware! About to discover what you got-away from! Either she will be his match, and bring-out the best in him as a man; or she will scratch the top-layer, and find the icky-stuff you found that made you high-tail it outta there, like a deer during hunting season!
Stop hiding and show your face! Stop "accidentally on-purpose" finding yourself wherever he happens to be; yet so conveniently in the position to ignore him! If your world is that small, it's time to expand your horizons! It starts to look like you're stalking him, when such coincidences can only happen so many times before they start to look suspicious. Know what I mean? What's it too you how far he has to travel for her, as long as he keeps his distance from you?
Adjust your attitude, shake it off, and be at peace. Let him fade into the past. Don't you have a life to attend to? The pandemic is doing you favor. Find something better to distract yourself.
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp +, writes (1 May 2020):
If you can't handle seeing him, then surely that is where you start. It's time to find a new interest so you can stay away from the walking groups. Or find groups where he is not a member.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (1 May 2020):
 Your correct, he is not right for you, keep telling yourself that, and by your own admission you don't want to fall into that trap again.
I know its hard, but you really do need to put this behind you and move on with your life. Yes we can all offer you advice on what you should and should not do, but at the end of the day the only one that can help you is you.
Be strong and tell yourself that he is no good for you. don't give up on things you love just because you think he might be there. Do what you love,do what makes your heart sing and hold your head up high while doing so.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2020): I think your tears are an outlet for all the other stresses you go through in life.
Perhaps you also felt sad that you haven't yet met your significant other.
I think this guy is getting a reputation for being a 'sex-pest'!
I'm assuming that you haven't had sex with him.
If you had sex in the past, then be grateful that it lies in the past.
The problem here is that you are deceiving yourself.
Why else would you join walking groups after lockdown in the hope of meeting a new man when you know that's exactly where this sex pest will be?
You would be better off getting a puppy and just taking random walks and meeting other dog owners which occurs naturally and doesn't even necessarily mean a romantic connection.
I would avoid walking groups if I knew I was going to bump into a sex-pest.
You could join any activity at your local gymn.
Meeting a significant other is something that just happens in amongst the rest of your life, but avoiding a sex-pest is something you consciously do.
Your self esteem must have taken a real battering if you hold any hopes or affection for this guy, because despite your interest he has carefully and conscientiously applied himself to hitting on everyone else who could possibly be in your social circle.
I think if you went off his social radar you might finally move on.
So that means new interests and /or friends.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 May 2020):
He has already rejected the idea of you and him, so while it might hurt your feelings, why waste any more time or tears on a guy who isn't REALLY interested in you?
Only wan who can GIVE you that strength to ACCEPT that he isn't for you, and vice verse, is YOU.
He might have no problems trying to "befriend" you again, because he likes to conversations or attention but that doesn't mean you have to comply.
You seem to have WAY too much time on your hands to ponder this guy whom you don't even seem all that keen on. Is it because he rejected you? That you somehow want what you "can't have"?
Nip the thoughts and tears over this guy in the bud. He wasn't it, move on. Yes, easier said than done but the more you tell yourself that, the sooner you can move on.
Also, when all this lock-down is over, DO try and avoid hanging out around him, IF possible. Change up your interests perhaps? Try new things.
But you also can't stop living your life because you might run into him.
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