A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need some help! I am a single male. I was divorced ten years ago. I got out of a long term relationship two years ago. I have had time on my own and I am ready to date again. This is my problem. I have two lady friends. Both are attractive and good people and I like them both very much. They each have their own qualities. Lady #1 is someone like me. She has been divorced for a couple of years and is ready to move on to a relationship. Lady #2 has separated from her husband in January. She is not on her own yet but will be soon. Her husband has moved in with another woman. She has told me she likes me but is not totally ready for a relationship. She feels she needs time on her own before she is ready.So what do I do? Do I get into a relationship with Lady #1 because she is available now and isn't still married or needs time? Or do I wait for Lady #2 to be ready? We are good friends and have a solid friendship and there is an attraction between us. Can I enter a relationship with Lady #1 and just have some fun with her until Lady #2 is available? In that case, we would be enjoying each other's company and a sexual relationship but I would not be getting too attached to her because I am waiting for someone else to be free.What do I do? I like them both but should I get involved with one in a relationship when I have feelings for another one? Can you guys tell me if there is anything wrong with having Lady #1 as a girlfriend until Lady #2 is free and clear of her marriage and ready to move on and date me?What do you guys think? I need some opinions on this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (30 May 2012):
OP, you should know that "not-ready-for-a-relationship-right-now" really means: "not ready for a relationship with YOU, period." It's just the wimpy version of turning someone down.
So basically you don't have to choose. But since you're heart is not 100% with the available women, I would not pursue her, because it's not fair to her. If you're a decent guy, let them both go until a woman comes along that rocks your whole world instead of just a part of it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2012): The answer is simple.MAKE UP YOUR MIND.Pick just one.Give up the other.It would be selfish and thoughtless of you to play both of them.And once you make that choice, stick to it. No flirting, no giving off mixed signals, no stringing along of the one you DID NOT choose. No going back and forth.This would be unfair to both women.If you can't make the choice, move on and leave both of them alone. I'm sure they wouldn't want to deal with the consequences of your uncertainty and selfishness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2012): Judging from what you have said,I would not want to be either lady 1 or lady 2.you sound like a user.use 1 until the other is avaible is a pretty low act.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (30 May 2012):
 I am not sure why you're asking which one to choose, as you have made it abundantly clear that you made your choice. It is very obvious that you are not interested in #1. You're simply interested in using her time and body until #2 becomes available. Making a choice between A and B means that you place the same amount of value on both parties. Clearly that is not the case with you.
Since you cannot have what you want, AK #2'scommitment and willingness to be in a relationship, you are now thinking of using #1. That's pretty shitty if you ask me, or anyone else for that matter. I would hope that someone your age wouldn't engage in something so low and disrespectful. It won't make you look good to ANY potential partner, including #2. No woman will respect and trust a man, who will use people like that. It shows a high level of selfishness, lack of respect and consideration. Over all, it's a bad look.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 May 2012):
 WHY do you have to "do" anything??????? Stay in touch with these two women.... be a good friend to both of them... AND if romance happens to get sparked between you and one, or the other, then go with it???? YOU don't need a road-map from us... you need only to exhibit a little common sense.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, feralfox +, writes (29 May 2012):
I agree with what has already been said. Unless you are extremely straight forward with lady #1, you will be leading her on and could end up really hurting her.
It sounds like you are very attracted to lady #2, and that you feel more for her that the other woman in your life. I think it would mean a lot to her if you told her your feelings, and that you are willing to give her as much time as she needs. You should follow your heart and wait for her, it's clear that you don't care for lady #1 if you think of her as some "fun" until the other woman is available. It's not fair for you to play with her feelings, and anyways, I bet waiting for the lady you actually care about would say a lot to her. Just don't pressure her, or you might end up being a rebound after a bad divorce.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): Word of advice, which ever lady you decide to persue, keep sex out of the whole thing until it's clear who you want to be exclusive with...your judgement will be seriously clouded and really unfair to both ladies if you have sex with one or both of them, no matter what place they currently are in their lives, or yours.
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A
male
reader, Glacier  +, writes (29 May 2012):
Take your time to assess both women and also include their not so positive trades. Once you make a choice then go for her exclusively.
DON'T choose lady #1 with the intention to dump her once lady #2 is available. You'll probably end up loosing both.
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A
female
reader, Aunt Liz  +, writes (29 May 2012):
I guess you need to ask yourself , if the roles were reversed, how would you like to be the "lady #1" in this scenario? Better yet why not just go to Lady #1 explain the whole situation to her just as honestly as you have laid it out here and ask her if she would like to be this woman you have fun with while you wait for the one you really want? If she is not hurt or offended you may have a taker. Just one question though. You said you think of this woman as a friend and you like her. Is that how you treat your friends? Just asking.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (29 May 2012):
 It sounds to me that you like Lady #2 more than Lady #1, hence why you want to wait for Lady #2 to become available.
In that case, it is VERY WRONG to have Lady #1 as a girlfriend until Lady #2 becomes available, because you would be leading lady #1 on - she would develop feelings for you, even fall in love with you thinking that you only want to be with her. Then all of a sudden in a few months time, totally out of the blue you dump her for another woman. Of course that is wrong, that is messing with her feelings and hurting her deliberately.
If you like lady #2 so much, then wait for her and remain single until she is ready. That would also show your comittment to lady #2 and prove to her that you are not simply after a casual sex partner, you are actually interested in her as a person and really feel strongly about her.
If she ever found out you had another girlfriend then she would never go near you, even if you dumped lady #1, lady #2 would know that you bounce from one relationship to the next, using women to stop you being lonely and for sex, and not caring about the woman's feelings. Even if this isnt true - that would be how you come across if you had lady #1 as a girlfriend and then dumped her for lady #2. lady #2 would also struggle to trust you because you dumped one woman for her, so she would always wonder if you are going to dump her as well for someone else.
If you really want to be with lady #2 then remain single, wait for her and dont date anyone else.
If you really want a relationship and dont care who it is with, then go for lady #1 but you would have to cut lady #2 out of your life as it is not fair to a girlfriend if you had feelings for someone else. If you are getting into a relationship with someone you should be 100% comitted to them and there should be no feelings for other women, otherwise things will get messy and the girlfriend ends up very hurt.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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