A
female
age
30-35,
*irgin18
writes:Hi everyone,So I have this question about marriage. I have been with my bf for 2 years. We love each other and get along pretty well. We decided we wanted to move in together and are actively looking for a place together. It is all extremely excited and neither of us can wait to start that chapter of our lives together. Now I have had a variety of people (mostly family) tell me we should just get married first. But I think they mostly think that because they are really conservative and not because they think that is the most rational thing to do. My bf and I have already stablished that we want to be together to the rest of our lives, we love each other and we both believe we are really good together. We have never really sat down to talk about marriage but we have talked about a future together. We are both in our 20s and both college graduates. Now my thing is that after thinking about it I got to the conclusion that I do want to get married to him, not now but in a very near future. Something that worries me (and I admit that this is because too many people have influenced me to think that way not because I seriously think this will happen) is that once we move together he could start feeling too confortable and we could do 2 and then 5years leaving together without him taking the initiative to get married. I know he wants to get married and have a family in the future, what I am not sure is how far in the future would be the right time for him... Especially since I feel like the right time for me is just getting closer and closer. So what should I do? Should I go ahead and have a serious conversation about marriege? Or should I wait until we have been living together for a few months first? (which was my initial plan) Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 May 2012):
 I'm not "conservative"... but/and I, ALSO, think it is stupid for a single woman to "move in with" a single man prior to marriage.
Why? Because doing so (the "move in") gives HIM all the power in the "relationship" which does or will exist between you and him..... and YOU get to be the one who has to put up with his foolishness... AND YOU will will be the one who has to re-locate when the roof caves in on this "co-habitating" scheme.....
What is the matter with keeping separate addresses until you and he are willing/able to make a REAL committment (and a MARRIAGE) to one-another PRIOR to living at the same address???????
Good luck...
A
female
reader, dontwanttogiveup +, writes (29 May 2012):
I am not married and I am living with my boyfriend. He popped the question to me approximately six months after we lived together. We had a big talk about it and I informed him I am not getting married until after college and he is okay with that and we are still living together.Some vague research on the web suggests that living together before marriage can cause problems. I know from experience that I would never marry a man until I have lived with him. Living together is an entirely different world than dating. Little things like chores or brands of items you use can suddenly become an issue. Who pays what bills is another big thing to discuss. Also, smaller things like is it acceptable for friends to show up at 11 pm? You'd be surprised the many things you didn't know about your boyfriend before you lived with him.I read somewhere online that the first year you live with someone either makes or breaks a relationship. It can be challenging learning to live with someone entirely new and bending your lifestyle some for theirs and them doing the same. Although challenging, it is also very rewarding so when you actually do get married you'll both be 100% confident with your decision. Make sure before you guys live together you guys discuss all the issues. You can actually search on google or somewhere "questions to ask before moving in together". As far as asking him about marriage I would ask him how he feels about marriage and if/when he thinks it would be a good time. Don't try to force marriage on him though or yourself. Marriage takes two and you might be ready but he may not be. Marriage is a huge commitment and decision not to be taken lightly but I am sure that once you guys talk about it you'll feel better.My best wishes to the both of you and I hope the talk goes well and you enjoy living with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): You're still really young, I'm only 22 and have been with my partner since just before we turned 17. As long as you communicate and make sure "you're on the same page" (as the saying goes) then moving in together does not have to mean you won't get married.
I live with my partner and we still see marriage as our future but see no reason to rush! Even though we have been together 6 years we still feel too young to actually have a wedding! It's quite a serious occasion and at 22 I don't really fancy planning it and the pair of us are still enjoying using our money to go on holidays (even if it's camping for a week!) rather than spend extortionate amounts on a wedding. We could have got married this year but instead used our money to go towards the deposit to purchase a home - much more valuable investment because of the happiness that has come from it and how it has strengthened us because we really had to pull together.
But this suits us because we talk about it and if anything changed we would tell each other. You need to make sure you and your partner talk about it and see how each other feels. I would definately recommend living together because you get to see just how your relationship works when things are going through ups and downs. It's how you cope through the down times that prove your strength as a couple and living together gives you that experience.
Best of luck xx
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (29 May 2012):
 Yes, if you're ready to move in together, you're ready to talk about the future of your relationship so you can start off on the right page. My fella and I dated for a year, lived together for three and then got married at four. It worked just dandy, and living together was a great way for me to see how compatible we were and see what sort of partner he would be. And it also showed me that I could, in fact, tolerate all his weird homelife habits.
But, like 'anon' says - every couple is different. You just need to make sure you share your concerns together and talk before making big decisions like moving in. I'd do it before you move in together, because if you find that you're wanting two very different futures then better to find that out now before your names are on a lease together!
Best of luck, sweet!
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A
female
reader, Aunt Liz  +, writes (29 May 2012):
Don't wait. If you are sure that you want marriage and a family you need to be clear about that. You need to discuss what your goals are and what the plan is to achieve those goals. Marriage is a partnership. If you are not working together how can you succeed? Where do you see yourself in 5 years, ten? What do you want out of life? A failure to plan is a plan to fail. People put off marriage because they are afraid, and with the divorce stats being what they are who can blame them. But it is exactly that kind of fear that keeps us from asking the right questions. Everything gets wrapped in a pink fluffy cloud because love will solve everything, but it won't. At least not on it's own. You wouldn't sign a legal contract without reading the fine print and knowing what you are getting into. This is no different. Love is wonderful, but don't let the rose coloured glasses blur the view.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 May 2012):
 If you are concerned that he will not marry you if you move in together, then by all means discuss it with him before you move in together.
It's important to make sure you are both on the same page.
Perhaps you could get engaged prior to moving in together...
if your timetable is changing (moving up) and his is not, then you need to talk to him about it before you move in together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): You should definitely have a serious conversation about being married and also think about getting engaged soon even if you don't set a date for some time. Every couple is different but it has happened often that once an unwed couple moves in things can begin to stall as far as marriage and engagement goes. You and your family are right to consider the path this could lead to and they are thinking of what is best for you. Think about it and have the "talk" at least and go from there.
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