A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my wife for 9 years, married for 6. I was a virgin when we met. She told me she had been with three men. Considering her great beauty and how many men were after her I didn't think that was so bad, especially because she is three years older than I am.Other women I was interested in were much more promiscuous and it always turned me off when I girl tried to get me to like her by insinuating she was good in bed. In comparison, my wife was a good, Catholic school girl who bristled at the antics of her easy girlfriends and who liked to walk in the park and hold hands.My problem is that recently I was cleaning out our attic and I came across a box of her stuff from college. We went to different, but nearby colleges. I met her just as she was graduating and I was a junior, so I didn't really know her in college. The box had a lot of old photos and letters. I pointed it out to her and she took it out and flipped through it. She showed some of the old photos of herself to me. It was routine stuff like her on the beach, her with her high school prom date, and her with her first college roommates. She packed everything back up and put it aside.Well, stupid me got curious later and opened it. There were some photos of her with her ex-boyfriends, which I was curious to see as I didn't know anything about them except their first names. It was very weird to see her looking smiling and happy with strange men. There seemed to be more than three. Quite a lot more. However, I wasn't too worried about that. She had her share of male friends she wasn't necessarily sleeping with. The real problem came when I found her journal from that time. I know now I shouldn't have read it, but I did. Mind you, it wasn't really a diary where she was baring her soul. It was just random, mundane stuff, a lot of it details like dates from her extensive travels. Sometimes her friends would write in it, too. Just silly notes like "I should be studying for this stupid final, but I think the guy across from us is checking me out." Silly stuff young adults write. I found it intriguing, as I never got to know some of them and I felt like I really knew her a lot better and understood what she was like during that period in her life.So now we get to the part that tears me up:At the back of the journal, my wife wrote about how she was still a virgin (at that time) and was so proud of herself for not falling victim to lust. However, the very next page (dated later that same week) was not written by her. It was written by a man. The man who became her first. He wrote about details of the encounter I wish I never knew. Having seen the photos (many with names written in pencil on the back), when I saw him sign his name I knew who he was. I know now that he used to publish pornography (I don't think my wife knows that even now) and his account of their sex was more graphic, stark, and brutal than I would have ever imagined. I can't imagine any man would treat ANY virgin like that, especially my wife. Maybe he didn't know. However, it didn't stop there. At this point I was too transfixed on this train wreck to let it pass. I flipped each page with a mixture of rage and sadness. Other men had signed her journal, too. The second coming just a week after the date of the first - a foreigner she met on travel. None depicted anything so horrific as the first, but there were enough graphic details to know what happened and to upset me. There were a lot more than three men who signed entries in her book. I didn't count. It wasn't maybe more than a dozen, but it was a lot more than I ever imagined and now I had names, faces, and more details than I should know. One time two guys signed it on the same page. Sometimes there were comments from her friends written, too, about the men in question - about how cute they were or sometimes about what jerks they were.The last entry was dated the month before we first slept together. We were sort of dating casually at the time. The man who wrote it said that she was the best lover ever and wanted her to commit to him so that every night "could be like last night." I knew that man, of course. It was someone she told me was interested in her, but I didn't realize they had slept together. In fact, I think she outright denied it at the time. I know I did something very wrong by looking through her things. I did tell her about it and she didn't say much. She didn't get angry or defensive, but I noticed that the next day she took it and hid it or threw it out or something. It was gone. I wonder why I was never asked to sign the journal. I also noticed that her one other long-term love did not appear in it either. A sort of guide to scoundrels? I also wonder why she lied about her past. Well, I assume it's because she was not proud of it, so maybe that's why, but I feel like I hardly know that woman - like she has multiple personalities or something.The real damage now is that I cannot get these vivid sex scenes and lurid details out of my mind. My brother experienced something similar once when he found a sex tape his girlfriend made with another man. He was only able to handle it by ending the relationship. However, a girlfriend is not a wife.I tried to talk to my wife about what I saw and she thinks I need to get over it and that it's my fault for snooping. She is right, of course, but how do I get over it? She is not sympathetic to me at all. I really thought she would be there to help me by encouraging me and letting me know how much she loves me, but if anything she thinks I am being a little bit immature about the whole thing. She may be right, but that was quite a lot to absorb, whether I should have snooped or not. I get no sympathy from her. On the other hand, it upsets me so much sometimes that I often considering leaving her like my brother did his girlfriend. My brother doesn't know my situation, but he sometimes tell me how much he still loves that girl and yet that leaving was the right thing to do for his sanity. How do I cope?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): Hello Friend,
Please believe me take your pride and stick it.
What your wife did before she met you is not one bit your bisuness.
As long as she loves you and is a good women don't loose her.
I am 1005 sure that most people have skilatins in their closet.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (31 December 2011):
 Before you can go any further you need to make some decisions:
Do you want to get over this?
Do you want to stay with your wife?
Do you want to be a single man in his late 20s looking for a new girlfriend with next to no sexual experience? Do you think you'll be able to trust another woman in a relationship when it comes to this issue?
I have experienced severe retroactive jealousy and have been through very similar feelings to the ones you are experiencing now. I too read my partners journal when I shouldn't have. It is possible to overcome this, but it's very difficult and will take great effort and persistence on your part.
I'm happy to give you advice, but first you need to answer those questions above. Until you decide your direction you'll be trapped in a vicious circle within your own mind.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2011): I just reread have I wrote and I realized I wish to add something more:1. I talk about how she doesn't understand how I feel given that she was not a virgin and I am. However, it is also appropriate to say that I don't understand how she feels either. That's something I am trying to grapple with - putting myself in her shoes. What if I had done something equally silly in my past and she rejected me over it?2. A big part of this is her lying to me and not being sorry for lying to me. I don't think she was trying to protect me as much as make herself look better. In the process she hurt me. On the other hand, at least she wasn't in an explicit video like my brother's girlfriend. It could be worse. I just really need her to understand how this lie is a big deal to me and not a little white lie like she thinks. So far I cannot get through.3. I am considering staying to work this out with her. At my age everyone is going to have some skeletons in their closet. We have too much to throw away over this. However, I am worried that it might point to fundamental incompatibilities. That is, that this stupid snooping incident of mine might just have uncovered issues we've had all along: that I am maybe too conservative for her or she is too sexually open for me. Those issues are worth exploring, but she seems hesitant to want to open that can of worms.Original Poster
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2011):
I have no reason to doubt the events. The places, names, and so on agree with things I know about her. She never denied any of it happened.
I was at an acquaintance's house today. This woman studied art history in college. I was browsing her bookshelf when I came across an interesting title: "Naked Pictures Of My Ex-Girlfriends" by Mark Helfrich. Captivating title, especially in my situation.
Here is what Amazon says about that book:
"In 'Naked Pictures Of My Ex-Girlfriends', Helfrich shares with us what most have hidden away or have long ago destroyed- intimate, private pictures of his ex-girlfriends, a decades worth from 1970 to 1980. Helfrich explains "...it was no big deal photographing my girlfriends topless or nude, almost all of them were thrilled to pose for me, because they knew I was so into it. It was fun. It was like playing a game. It was like living Antonioni's 'Blow Up." This collection of black & white and colour images is presented as a nostalgic diary from the carefree sexual seventies, a glimpse of a time and life many wish they could have lived."
Of course, I opened this book up! Yes, it had in it what the title implies. However, along with each photo the author also wrote a paragraph or three about the woman in question. Except for the photos, this was similar to what I found in my wife's journal.
However, reading Amazon reviews just before posting this, it seems that this entire book is a fabrication using posed models. So I can now see why some of you might think her book is also a work of art and not based on any reality.
I have every reason to believe it is true because so much of the surrounding details ring true - from her getting off at the wrong Metro station in Paris on her way to meet her lover to comments her friends wrote. (She is no longer in contact with any of those friends, btw.) Sometimes she wrote with the same pen her lover used and sometimes different. The lengths are far too many to go to for a simple project and the fact remains that whether the actual accounts are dramatized or truth - these men could have easily and probably did sleep with her based on what I know.
Like I said above, she does not deny it. In fact, when we talked about it last she called herself a "slut" and I have to admit that even though I have been thinking of her in those terms I did not like to hear her use that word describing herself. It means she is not entirely comfortable with what she did. She's not apologetic about it, but neither does it seem to be a point of pride.
Since this started I have been on a rollercoaster of emotion. Sometimes I feel like a big baby and know I need to suck it up. So my wife had other lovers. I knew that. Other times I feel deeply hurt and betrayed. The graphic images do not help. It makes it very hard that I have never had another because I am coming from a place that she doesn't understand. Probably many of you don't understand that, actually. I imagine many other people would be able to handle this better than I am able to, but this discovery has changed our relationship forever in my eyes whether it survives or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): There are many very interesting viewpoints here, about who is at fault for writing or reading or keeping what, but only a few people mentioned the Big Question, which I haven't seen that you've directly asked:
Are the contents of the journal the truth? ie "Did the events portrayed in the journal actually occur as written?"
If yes: What parts are the truth? (specifically)
And the other big question:
Would she do any of it again?
After that, it would be sheer curiosity that would prompt me to ask Why the journal was written.
I did some very dark, very graphic, very fictional writing as a young woman. I used classmates and tv show characters as my playthings. I explored some very dark aspects of my own mind, and once envisioned, decided I had no need of actually acting on the fantasies.
Had my parents or friends ever gotten their hands on the writings, they might have been convinced I was the most promiscuous female on the planet, ripe for orgies and pain-play. Yet by the time I found the man I wanted, I had explored my own self well enough to know who I was, and he was still my First (and Only!).
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reader, Abella +, writes (24 December 2011):
 she was entranced by you and loved you enough to marry you. So you were more special to her than anyone in the past. Perhaps she did only count the men who really meant something special to her - as the guys in her past.
And originally she had such huge trust in you that she kept her journal. But that trust she had for you is evapourating as you have made a judgment against her. And snooped around and not respected her privacy
Yet these were loose sheet - written by others? It almost seems like an immature writing class where people try to go over the top to what someone else wrote prior the themselves.
Ciar and Tisha and Jen168 all made very good points. Yes some counselling would be a very good starting point.
And she has been with you a long time. Until you came across the box you two had mutual respect. She even showed you some pictures in the box because she loves and trusts you.
You are hurting, so is she. She may well choose to leave you.
Most men exaggerate completely when they are young and not committed to any particular girl. You are assuming that every word, written by others, was verbatim and not exaggerated floss and that every single post refers to events that really happened? I am wondering if it became a running joke because she was a virgin.
She never allowed the other guy she liked to write in the journal, nor you.
We all make decisions when young - gee i used to make up stories in my head - about a girl who lived in a house with no fighting.
While married to you you and your wife have been happy.
Now is not the time to give up on each other.
You have enjoyed good times. Maybe your wife sensed that she could not be open and tell you all as she had ever done in her life. Some of those guys sound like creeps.
And then she met a good guy, you.
I find jealously a horribly controlling emotion. Never could I have ever chosen a partner harbouring this terrible trait of jealously. But if you are afflicted with this jealously about her past you do need to schedule some sessions with a therapist, whether to lose your wife or whether to decide to leave.
I think it is worth giving it a change first Because if you can resolve this together and love each other with honesty, acceptance and no judgement then you will have a stronger relationship in the end.
But if you cannot resolve it then two lives will be destroyed and made bitter.
Then you will only have your brother - to go over old ground, and to commiserate with each other.
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reader, Miamine  +, writes (23 December 2011):
 Yes original poster.. wild times, and then blackout where you forget everything explains the situation to me.Also explains why she doesn't want to talk about it at all.. she wants it dead and buried, but that's not fair, to you it's all new and disturbing. It's difficult to forget and ignore something that is new like this, without you wondering who the hell you married and what kind of secrets she can keep... Damn woman, if she had her fun and then changed her life, she should have burnt that stupid book thing.You don't sound judgemental in your posts, you don't sound like you are putting her down. Instead you sound like a man who wants explanations so he can understand. We had an uncle here once, who felt like you do. (I class him as a very good friend) Eventually he was able to explain to his wife why they needed to talk about everything. And yes, they managed to work everything out and continue to have a successful marriage.There is a great post from him and Yos (our expert uncle on RJ)
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reader, Ciar  +, writes (23 December 2011):
 Cereberus,
As flattered as I am to think I come across as impervious to pain, nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve had experience with retroactive jealousy from both sides of the equation so I have a pretty solid grasp of the situation.
Women have had a lot more experience dealing with men’s pasts than men have had dealing with women’s, but instead of seeing us as the experts we are and actually listening to anything we have to say, even the most enlightened man claims this is a ‘uniquely male experience’. So our pain is seen as frivolous and any insights we have into overcoming it are ignored.
Everyone knows that overcoming anguish is a process and I don’t think what the OP is feeling is illogical. On the contrary there is a logical explanation for why he feels the way he does, but he won’t find it as long as those reasons are masquerading as ‘morality’ and ‘biological imperative’. Blaming his wife and subjecting her to emotional stoning may offer some short term comfort, but it won’t solve the problem and it will definitely create new ones. Even if he walks away from this relationship, that baggage will follow him to a new one where the cycle can repeat itself.
One of the points I raised that has been completely ignored is the possibility that these entries, or at least some of them, were false. Men have been known to inflate and create sexual encounters (sometimes in jest without intending injury), yet despite that and the fact that they are strangers to the OP, he and others here are prepared to believe them without question.
One of the effects (if not one of the causes) of retroactive jealousy is that many sufferers seem to assume retroactive ownership of their partners. They hijack that partner’s past and dissect it to see how it affects them without any thought given to how it might have affected the partner it actually belongs to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): Cerberus,You described how I feel very well. It's not rational. I know that. That doesn't make it hurt any less. It just means it is my problem and not hers. The past is the past. I get that. I have done a lot of thinking about this and I think a lot about the men who marry porn stars and the like. My brother's situation made me fixate on that. There are men out there who are 100% okay with the fact that thousands of men have watched their wives have sex with another man. Some of those men continue to allow their wives to "act" even after marrying them. I don't know how they do it. Part of me is disgusted by that and another part of me respects it very much. However, how I was raised, I do not agree with my wife's activities. It would be bad enough if she told me about it, but how I found out (and what I found out) is much worse. She herself would probably say that it is in opposition to her Catholic upbringing.Two things really bother me these days:1. *WHY* did she do this? What was she thinking? What made her change her attitudes? She is entitled to say that she was experimenting and made some mistakes, but the fact that she won't explain herself is tough on me. I realize she doesn't HAVE to explain herself, but I think I need to know that in order to heal. Otherwise, I am speculating, and I am also wondering if maybe she's unhappy in our relationship given what transpired before. I really need her to explain to me what was going on in her head at that time and how things are different now (or not). 2. We sat down and talked about it again this week and her most sympathetic comment was: "I guess you didn't get to have the college experiences I had." This completely ignores her lies/misrepresentation. It completely ignores the fact that we apparently have completely different attitudes towards sex. I didn't have the experiences she did because I was OPPOSED to that, not because I "didn't get to have" them. This is a fundamental difference. I'd really like her to be a lot more understanding not only of my current feelings, but also a huge philosophical difference that I never knew we had. At a minimum she certainly compromised her own morals for whatever reason.In fact, I am re-examining lots of aspects of our lives now. I always gave her the benefit of the doubt, but now I am very skeptical of her. It's almost like our history has been rewritten or like in the movie "The Matrix" I have now been awakened to the "Real World." Every word she spoke and every argument we've had (and there have been some as you might expect after this time) is now up for scrutiny, for reevaluation in light of the new facts. I think a big part of that is her own silence and dismissal of the issue. In general, I would like to have less information. However, now that it's all out there I'd like her side of it. Right now all I have is some old scribbled memories and my imagination. I'd also like her to appreciate exactly how disturbing this is to me. To be honest, I think she's forgotten (or blacked out) what exactly she did and what's in the journal. That's probably why she didn't bother to hide it. I read a post here where someone said: "You think about her past lovers much more than she does." Completely true, but that's because I just read graphic descriptions of men having sex with her like it was yesterday. To her it's lost in the mists of time after 9 years with me. I bet I can recount her sexual encounters better than she can at the moment.--Original Poster
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): Ciar in all fairness I think you're missing the point.
"The OP's wife is the same person now as she was before he read her journal. She had the same habits, the same interests, the same dreams and ambitions, and the same sense of humour now as she did then."
OP knows this, but knowing it doesn't help the situation, it's make it worse because having illogical feelings and being unable to deal with them is kind of shit. He can't just turn off what this is doing to him or how he feels after *the image* he had of her in his head was blown apart.
We all build up our own images of our partners and a lot of that is based on the assumption of how we think they were based on how we see them now, the reality is not always as nice as the image our love for them has created. Most people are good enough to protect us from that kind of thing, OP's wife did protect from him that information for a reason.
We all have things in our past we're either not proud of and we're smart enough to not ruin our image in the eye's of others. OP's wife was a complete idiot leaving something like that lying around when after about 10 years you'd think she'd know her husband wasn't one of those kind of guys that could deal with knowing those things, especially when she had made herself out to be a paragon of virtue.
She technically might be the same woman but she's not the woman he thought she was which is almost the same thing really.
I mean I can be nicest guy in the world for 20 years married to a woman, a great father, a great lover but if she found out I did something like molest young children before I met her then it would destroy everything, but I'd still be the same guy, with the same habits, the same dreams and ambitions as you say but that one morally reprehensible act would change everything wouldn't it? So the past does matter and it does have a bearing and it can change your view of a person in the present. It's not always possible to suck it up. For a sexually conservative virgin to read that his wife was very laid back and casual about sex and had lots of rough crazy meaningless sex when she had told him she hadn't is a pretty fecking huge kick in the teeth.
You can't expect a man or woman who suddenly finds out something as profound as this after all these years to just suddenly think "but she's the same person she always was" and that make everything okay. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way and unfortunately retro-jealousy is a very profound and torturous emotion that cannot simply be gotten rid of through rational thought.
It takes a long time and it's an uphill struggle all the way. For you perhaps it's easy to accept those things, perhaps you'd have no problem going over the gory details of all the sex your partner has had and how profoundly they loved another but we're not all like you. Some of us prefer to not know those things in that much detail.
Fine, you've had other partners in the past and loved others that's grand, but I for one would not like to think or know the details of any ex of my girlfriend who "fucked her 'til she bled and threw her away""fucked her up the walls and left bruises" or anything detailed shit like that, I certainly wouldn't like the idea she has kept these details written by that guy on a piece of paper that I can possibly see. I love who she is and everything about her but there is limit to how much detail I should be exposed to so I never probe her for those kind of details and she never offers them and the same is true of her.
We all have our boundaries and while yours may be different that isn't to say you can just turn this into a thing of saying "well we women have had to deal with this shit from men so screw them, suck it up like we have to." I don't think so, you want to suck it up fine, the rest of us will try and deal with it as best we can the way that is relevant to us as an individual. There are plenty of women and men that find retro-jealousy an all-consuming pain.
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reader, Ciar +, writes (22 December 2011):
Male anon:
What defines a woman is what is between her ears, not who might been between her legs. The OP's wife is the same person now as she was before he read her journal. She had the same habits, the same interests, the same dreams and ambitions, and the same sense of humour now as she did then.
Retroactive jealousy is not biological. Nature is only concerned with perpetuating the species, any species. Retroactive jealousy actually limits mating opportunities by creating friction in a formerly harmonious union or when a man risks passing up a woman with superior genes and access to greater resources simply because he was not her first.
And women stand to lose considerably more than men do when their SOLE provider and protector is also 'providing' and 'protecting' several others.
If you want to engage in an intellectual exchange of ideas, by all means, start a new thread. I'd be happy to particpate.
Getting back to the OP, I recommended he do whatever works for him. His problem is because of what is happening today, in the here and now. Not because of what cavemen may or may not have done tens of thousands of years ago.
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reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 December 2011):
 Sorry for jumping into this thread rather late, but from what I gather from your post and subsequent follow-ups is that you are horribly hurt and you cannot understand how to move beyond this.
OP you HAVE to undergo counselling, either alone or as a couple. Its very easy for people to say, "oh get over it already, its in the past", but sadly its never that easy.
Take one step at a time. First of all, seek out a therapist and start with your counselling and based on that, see how you feel. Its not going to change overnight and its going to need all your efforts to get over this, but if you can, then trust me, it will make your relationship stronger.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): Yes, I fully agree with Tisha-1.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 December 2011):
 Why can't you simply tell her you believe she has lied to you about her past and that had you known how promiscuous she appeared to be, based on her journal, you would never have married her?
Look, the invasion of privacy is one thing, but the fact remains that you believe you have learned something awful about her past and cannot move forward without dealing with it.
If you can't believe or trust her, the marriage is over, you will not be able to bury this "knowledge" for the rest of your life, not in any healthy way. You seem to be unable to take control of your own life and your part in the relationship. "My dear, I have learned something about your past that I cannot tolerate. I am unhappy and devastated to learn that you have lied before our marriage and have continued to lie. This is unacceptable and in order to salvage this marriage, we will need to go to couples counseling. If you do not go, I will go on my own, but I do not expect to be able to live a lie any longer. It's time for the truth to come out." Basically, it's time to be brave.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): @ Ciar:
The OP would not be going to therapy to cope with his wife's past. He would be going to therapy to cope with the fact that he was tricked into marrying someone other than he thought he was marrying, and now he needs to decide if he even wants this person now or not.
A man's wife's past carries a hell of a lot more weight to him for EVOLUTIONARY REASONS. We cannot compare male and female feelings about sexual pasts as if men and women are the same creatures. They are not. Men historically stood to lose a hell of a lot more if their wife liked to lie about her sexual habits. It makes perfect sense that men would have very strong feelings about her sexual past at a biological level compared to women, particularly if she LIES about it.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (21 December 2011):
Thanks for the update, and it is relevant... your story isn't the normal type we usually get here. It's not just a diary, it's a journal written in by tons of people.. it's more than a sexual experience between a wife and a previous boyfriend.
Go to therapy by yourself, and ask them to help you to discuss it with your wife.
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reader, Ciar +, writes (21 December 2011):
Go on your own first. It's better to sort your thoughts out before talking to your wife.
To be honest, I think this is really very sad that you'd have to seek therapy for something like this. Like I said earlier, we women have been dealing with men's sexual pasts for centuries and we managed to suck it up without therapy.
Do whatever works for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): Original Poster again:The journal's pages were not all bound together as a hardcover book might be. They were loose pages which were bound into a book - think like a scrapbook. Sometimes different people wrote on the same page or on opposite sides of a page. An example might be if a man wrote something then underneath might be comments from my wife or, more often, comments from her or a friend and then the guy's note written later on the other side. Every page had a date and it was chronological.I have no idea exactly why she did this. I didn't even ask her how it started or why. Clearly she was keeping more innocuous notes previous to her sexual exploits so that wasn't the original intent. She's an artistic person and she is the type of person who does keep diaries and even a book where she jots down her dreams. Like I said, her first was a guy that used to publish erotic literature around the time that she met him. (He has a very unique name and I knew a little about where he lived and such from her so it was easy to Google this and find this out.) Maybe it was his idea originally and she liked it.From my recollection, at least a couple of men said that they were giving her something to remember them by. I know the man who took her virginity said that for sure. Some wrote to her that they had fun and that they hoped she had no regrets. I presume she asked them to write something to her, because I don't know any reason why a man would write such a note otherwise. (Well, maybe some guys might, but not *every* guy.) Have you ever seen those journals at bed and breakfasts where couples write notes about their stay to the future occupants of the room (and, I assume, the owners)? "Loved to sit on the veranda and sip wine. Very relaxing time in the hot tub. So romantic! Made our 10th anniversary special! -John and Cindy from Vancouver" Those aren't explicit, but I have seen people write some things in those that don't leave much to the imagination. The tone of most of these notes was the same. It wasn't just men writing about sex acts. They were writing about the experience, which often included (or inferred) sex. Some were more sweet and some were more dirty. I also know that one of her friends who made comments in it must have seen her with it. I can't remember exactly what she wrote, but it was something like "What are you constantly scribbling down? Well, I am going to write, too" and then she did, commenting about the man that my wife had met at a bar the night before and saying like "Are you recovered from your rough night with guy? I've never seen so much saliva in my life. Get a room next time!" Something like that, followed later by a note from the guy himself.I am not sure any of this is relevant. I don't really think so. However, I hope it helps some of you better understand. If I do go to therapy do I take my wife with me? Do I ever tell her about it? I am afraid she will think I am a real wack job if I tell her I am going to therapy over her journal. Should I just be vague with something like: "I have issues I need to work out?"
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reader, Miamine +, writes (21 December 2011):
Ok, so you updated your post.. story still sounds odd..
The only thing I can think of is fantasy.. This is writing, there are no pictures... you sure she wasn't writing her imaginations and trying to write an erotic book.
A notebook, and her friends and tons of men write in it about sexual encounters with her... yep, maybe she was a swinger or a sex worker.. but again, why keep the book, after you were married, and then send your husband to find it.... A private journal, but it's public for the whole world to see..... none of it makes any sense at all.
I think you should go and talk to your wife and get her to explain what it all means.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): Go to a therapist but be prepared to get no help from it. In my experience all the official channels of dealing with retroactive jealousy basically make you the 100% bad guy. It would be nice if you can find a therapist to help but they usually don't in these matters.The fact that your wife said she detested casual sex, didn't do sexual things with you like she did with others, etc. This is a total lie about who she is and I don't find it remotely excusable. I really would not have any interest in salvaging the marriage if I was in your shoes. She had her sexual fun in life before. Now you are here to be the nice vanilla guy that she doesn't feel that way about but makes a good-provider husband. If I was you then my self respect would not allow me to stay married to someone like that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): Your wife is missing the point.
As are many responders.
This is a case not of "retroactive jealousy" or what ever you want to call it, but of your wife lying to you, for years, and continuing to lie to you, throughout the course of your marriage, about her past.
Lies destroy marriages, destroy trust, and make those who are being lied to feel less about themselves. This makes the person being deceived feel like they are somehow less than all the other people in the journal.
If you want to make someone feel bad about themselves, lie to them, take them in, then make sure they find out about it later, so they can know that you lied to them and got away with it for a long time.
It is one thing to live in a town, marry a woman who has had sex with many guys who you know, but who you know about and she chooses you and you choose her and everyone knows that they weren't "The One" that could make her happy, and they couldn't. You walk into a restaurant, they are all there, and you can truthfully feel like "hey, I got the one none of you could land".
It is entirely a different thing to have the same scenario, with all the guys knowing about each other, all her friends knowing about the other guys, and you the husband being kept ignorant of it by everyone...and everyone in the restaurant looking at you as you both walk in and thinking I fucked his wife before they met and he hasn't got a clue".
The first scenario is strengthening, the second is destructive.
But hold on before you blow your lid. This whole story is odd. Why does someone keep a journal, that they have their sex partners write in? That is way odd.
"was not written by her. It was written by a man. The man who became her first. He wrote about details of the encounter....their sex was more graphic, stark, and brutal than I would have ever imagined"
Really, how many women have men write in their journal? A journal that she keeps hidden today. A journal that all of those men knew about?
"Other men had signed her journal...None depicted anything so horrific as the first....graphic details"
Again, very, very, very odd.
"One time two guys signed it on the same page."
Like what was that all about.
Her friends knew about this as well.
So, like I said above, all very odd. Your wife lied to you about it. You wife hid it and started pointing fingers at you when you found out.
Chances are there is a lot of hidden stuff with her life, that she can't talk about, that affects your relationship day to day...but you can't tell what it is because she can't talk about it. She sounds like someone who has serious sexual issues, because this story is not "normal".
As far as you reading her journal, if she hadn't wanted to share it with you she would have thrown it away, and the simple fact is that she didn't, and she had plenty of opportunity to do so.
There is a lot more to this story.
"I know now that he used to publish pornography"
What about his encounter with her? What about pictures? Do you have kids, if you do or don't this all needs to come out now, not later, because you may very well need to have a plan in place in case some of this surfaces in the future.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 December 2011):
Oh for heaven's sake, why wouldn't you take the 'risk' of talking to a therapist? What do you have to lose at this point?
Just go make an appointment and get it started. The more you let this sit and fester, the worse off you'll be.
It sounds like some sort of fiction-writing exercise, this elaborate 'journal'. Well, you'll never know until you face it, in therapy with a mediator. Go be brave.
Good luck.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (20 December 2011):
First of all, you had no right to get in there and read her journal. That's hers to keep and if she wanted to share it with you, she would have. I believe in honesty and openness during a relationship, which means I will be open and honest about everything that applies and is taking place during that time in the relationship but that the past before that--my past-- is mine to share or not to share. That's not lying, it's simply choosing not to tell. Your girlfriend did not want to be judged for her past. And why should she be, it is HER past and you had no part in that.
Of course she is not sympathetic. I would have probably smacked you for looking through my things without permission--after all aren't you at an age where diary locks shouldn't be needed in order to have some privacy?
But alas the damage is done, you have read her journal and now you're stuck with the consequences. You are going to have to deal with this. In order to do so, I highly suggest reading these posts, like someone else suggested:
http://www.dearcupid.org/people/yos
And keep in mind:
NONE of those guys were able to make her happy enough to make her stay with them. She chose to be with you. That must mean something...
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): I've struggled with RJ myself. I found myself trying to estimate how many times my wife has had sex with other men before me. I realized shortly that it was such a high number that it was effectively infinite for all intents and purposes (i.e. would it really make any difference if a woman had sex 500 times with 5 different men or 1,000 times with 10 men?)
At your age, almost any woman you find will have had sex many, many times with many different partners. She will have loved it with many or all of them. The only real difference in your case is that you've read firsthand accounts by the men involved.
If you can't deal with a woman having an extensive prior sexual history, your only other choice is to get divorced and stay single. If you are seriously considering divorce, don't maek the mistake of comparing your current situation with an unrealistic fantasy wife in your mind.
My advice is to just try to accept it as reality and try to stop thinking about it. I do think her dishonesty makes it a little worse in terms of the shock value, but most women are going to lie about their sexual history. Once again, just try accept it as reality and try to move on.
If you keep bringing it up, it will probably destroy the relationship at some point. This could be a good thing if this is not the right situation for you, and if you are able to find something better. But, unless being single is better, I wouldn't put much money on being better off in a different situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): Thanks for so many thoughtful responses.I guess one thing that really bothers me was to read these accounts in the words and the handwriting of the men themselves. Some were printed, some in elaborate script, and at least one completely in French. (My wife speaks French and has been to France several times.) To know that these men had held the very same book in their hands just minutes or hours after having sex with my wife troubles me. That's not quite the same as just hearing something second-hand. There was something tangible.Another thing was the nature of the encounters: so many one night stands and week-long flings. There was no love, no real relationship. This stands in stark contrast to things my wife told me when we were dating, about how she detested casual sex. I know now that she detested it because she had so much of it. Last, I just don't understand the personality change and how she would go in her own words from a level-headed virgin to a woman having lots of casual sex in a matter of a week - and sometimes kinky, bondage-style sex at that, on at least one occasion with two men at once. This is a woman who was too shy to give me oral sex when I first met her. Frankly, she never did me with lots of the things she did with these men and that feeds my jealousy.However, it's not as much as I am jealous (or maybe I am) in that I am really disappointed in her. I definitely would not have dated her had I known about all of this. I love her now, but I am in a lot of pain and she could care less. Do you really think talking to a therapist will help me get over this?-Original Poster
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reader, Miamine +, writes (20 December 2011):
Personally I would leave any guy who was disrespectful enough to read my private diary. What are you going to do.. you decided to invade her privacy, you didn't like what you saw.. now you keep nagging her for some unknown reason to torture yourself with more.All sounds kind of strange.. some strange man writes in her book, a book from when she was a virgin.. then every single man writes in her book too.. was she a porn star and these are autographs, did she sleep with the whole world and ask them to grade her like she was in school..All sounds like bullcrap to me.. virgins don't do such things. You mean she took back this book, put it in the attic and never ever looked at it again... it was filled with rubbish (that's what you said) she never wrote anything important in there... so why didn't she throw it out.. Did she take this book to every sexual encounter.. why did she do that, was she auditioning or somethingThen she takes this book, and gives it to all her friends, and they start grading it and writing comments.. and she leaves it out in the open so you can see. Didn't her friends think this is strange. Guy writes *girl is crap at oral* and she goes and shows her friends that and ask them what they think.... nope, nope.. that's nonsense. Hey, why don't you find one of her girlfriends and ask why your wife did such things. Cause it all sounds strange to me. I don't know maybe she wants you to join her in an orgy and that's why she left it there.Nope, nope, nope.. I DARE YOU TO UPDATE YOUR POST... cause none of this seems real to me.. if books like this exist, (they don't) they are either thrown out, or published under the heading "erotic literature" and sold in the shop.Nope, don't believe your post is real.
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reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (20 December 2011):
 Her sexual history is technically none of your business. I can see why certain people feel the need to keep this a private matter and refuse to discuss it. Your wife had the option to tell you: "hey, I am not comfortable talking about my sexual history. It's something I don't wish to talk about as I feel it's not relevant. I'd much rather focus on on us."
She had that option, but she chose to lie about the actual number of men she slept with. The sad thing is, it's such a stupid, unnecessary lie. Leaving her over this though does seem extreme. I do find her refusal to acknowledge her lie surprising and unacceptable. A lie is a lie, no matter how stupid. She needs to acknowledge it, so you can move on from this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): Whatever sex your girlfriend had with these guys, she's still the same lovely, wonderful person that you fell in love with. All this time, it didn't matter whom she'd slept with before, and it doesn't matter now. If it had been 1 or 11 or 111 or 1111 men, she'd still be the same adorable person.Yes, she lied to you - but perhaps she did that because you were special, and she didn't want you to think she was easy to get into bed. Maybe she didn't tell you the whole truth, but your reaction to this discovery suggests that she had every reason not to. It's a bit judgemental and old-fashioned, don't you think, to believe that a woman who enjoys herself in bed will be less of a worthwhile and loyal partner to you? I'm a former model, and I've only slept with 2 guys my whole life, because I had so many men fawning over me when I was a wee lass that it really put me off. I like to think that my fiance would love me just as much if I'd slept with the hundreds of guys who offered, though! I think the stuff the guy on here has written about the 'sanctity of sex' is a bunch of crap. What you're suffering is retro jealousy, no more or less, and you need to get over it!
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reader, Jen1689 +, writes (20 December 2011):
 You mentioned here that you were not asked to sign the notebook, nor was another gentleman who she had had a long-term relationship with. Hmm... Ever think that maybe her life didn't consist of much outside of these encounters when they happened until she was genuinely happy with her life and who she was?I have diaries dating back to middle school, with stupid details about crushes that I never once spoke to, and relationships that quickly went from fantastic to over and "what was I thinking?". Right before I began dating my now-husband, I was chronicling my "love and passion" for a guy who wouldn't even admit to anyone that we were dating. I claimed that I love him more than anyone, and that if things ended between us, that I would kill myself as I had nothing else to live for. Wow, right?Well, things ended with us, and guess what? I'm still here, and I'm happier than I've ever been. Guess what else? I haven't written in my diary once since getting with my husband. Why? Because happiness and true love can't be described in words of a diary.My husband has asked me, "what did you feel for ______". I know now that I felt nothing for him other than loneliness and unhappiness with myself, so that's what I tell my husband. But if he were to go back and read my diaries, oh boy would he be taken aback. Is it because I'm lying? No. He also asked me if we ever did anything. I told him we made-out a couple times. In reality, we made-out, dry humped, and he felt under my bra. What would be the point of telling my husband those details? Does it affect him? No. Does it affect our relationship? No. Should he care? No.Your wife didn't tell you about all of her sexual conquests in college? You're really considering divorce over this? Strange. The thing is, you're not even fixating on the lying in your post. Do you even care about that? Or are the details that you now know about her sexual past more meaningful than that sinful act? If you can't move past it, understand that it is due to your own foolishness and curiosity that you now know these details. It's not your wife's fault. She knew that you'd feel this way, and that's why she spared you in the first place. If you hadn't read those entries, would your life be any different? Would your feelings for your wife have changed? No. Perhaps you should sit back and take an honest-to-God look at why YOU felt the need to snoop through these details, because she obviously didn't care to share them with you. And you sure do spell out a lot of reasons as to why you went through the journal. Do you feel the need to justify your actions because you know they were wrong? Also keep in mind how these other gentlemen must have felt signing a book that others had signed. It's like a guy who asks a girl to post her photo on his wall, along with hundreds of others (not that your wife slept with hundreds). She obviously didn't see a future with these guys, and that's why she kept you away from all of that. She saw something in you.Your wife didn't cheat on you, nor did she keep something from you that affects your life here and now, other than the fact that YOU'RE dwelling on these sexual aspects of her past. She's not bringing them up and she's not reliving them. She's happy being where she's at now and being the woman she's always wanted to be with a husband that she's always wanted to be with. What if you had read that she did hardcore drugs and drank way too much when she said she never did? Would it still be affecting you this much? Would those details even matter Probably not. YOU are letting this get the better of you. You and only you.As far as what to do, your wife's done it. She's put the journal out of sight. Good. Now you can no longer indulge yourself in the gory and overdramatized details of her old sex life. Now, you need to not talk to your wife about this. Don't ask her about it, don't make her feel guilty, don't punish her for her past. Let it go. Continue living as you had before. As far as the images go... Yikes. That will be hard to get over, but you can do it. Look at old photos of the two of you. Re-read old e-mails or love letters. Remind yourself of the woman YOU fell in love with, not of the woman that she was depicted as over the course of a few pages by a few sleazy men who longed for her devotion. Go away together and do nothing but take new photos of the two of you to build new images with.For your marriage's sake, for love's sake, and for the sake of anyone who can ever go through anything to do with retroactive jealousy (myself included. See my old posts if you must), PLEASE let this go. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Good luck.
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reader, Ciar +, writes (20 December 2011):
OP, men have been known to inflate and embellish accounts of their sexual encounters. Yet despite this, and the fact that you don't even know these men, you and the male anonymous below are acting on the assumption that whatever a man says about a woman must be fact and anything a woman says should be subject to doubt and scrutiny.
You would be feeling this way if the entries were consistent in every way with whatever your wife had already told you. And what you're feeling is very common, among both men and women (though traditionally women had to suffer in silence because we were told 'A man has needs. Get over it.').
Yos, one of our uncles here has written extensively on this subject so rather than repeat everything he's already said, I recommend you look for those. They contain some very practical and useful exercises that will help you.
Some will chalk this up to biological imperative, others to morality. At the end of the day, you cannot control the past, you cannot control what others have done or will do. You can only control what YOU think and feel.
Your wife doesn't need to understand, change, or justify anything since it isn't her thoughts that are tormenting her. It would be nice if she were supportive of your efforts, but you have to be specific about what kind of support you need. You can't expect her discect her life for your inspection and approval, or allow you to use her as a whipping post to vent your anger.
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reader, bluecow +, writes (20 December 2011):
 I think you need to be realistic here...
You went snooping and voila you found out something you wish you hadnt, lesson to be learned there.
Anyhoo
Your girlfriend has chosen YOU
your girlfriend hasnt cheated
she hasnt abused your trust
What she has done is hidden a part of her life that she is/was ashamed of from someone she respects. All marriages have little lies and this by comparrison is TEENY. Its not like she has had a child or was born a boy or is the local serial killer. No... she made a few mistakes and shagged the wrong men in college. BIG DEAL!
So she isnt quite the little nun you had pictured, and she had a bit of a wild sex life. You know what, not one of those guys gave her what she wanted. YOU did that. You were the one who took her for walks in the park holding hands, you were the one who showed her what a real man is like in a relationship, you were the one she chose.
She hasnt changed, she hasnt morphed into someone you dont know. She is still the same beautiful woman you married. If you love her as much as it sounds its time you put this to rest.
I suggest you close that box, ask her to put it away and never ever mention it again. If your thinking about it, go and do something mentally challenging (crossword?, soduko?, paint by numbers?) to stop those thoughts. If you think you need to, then counselling may help to let you overcome your feelings about this.
Hope that helps x
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): I am a very open and honest person. I was taught that we are accountable for all we do and say and that bascially, you best be owing your sh*t. With this, I have never felt the need to lie, hide, or conceal anything about me or my life. Of course to the ones I love and trust, they will know more about me.
I have such an openess that strangers will come up to me and ask me a question and I will answer it, honestly. I think some people are actually shocked that I will. Why the heck not?
So I can see how something like this would be a soul wound.
Its not kind, loving, honest, or just to be mislead and lied to from someone you love and trust. Regardless of it was their past. Hiding, concealing, omitting is LYING. You were lied to and that in itself is a betrayal.
No one likes to be lied to, especially when Wife seem to know you were looking for a certain type of woman that lived a certain type of life and she decided to pretend to be that for you. The relationship started on a lie.
So fast foward through the years and you find out. Thats one helluva shaky foundation your wife created.
Now shes not being a friend, she's not being supportive, she's not being loving, she's not being fair, and shes not owing her sh*t.
I'd feel betrayed and wounded too. There is a reason we should be open and honest with those we love and want to build a life with. This way they get to decide for themselves if they want to be with you.
Amazing how one lie has accrued and gained momentum.
I say take this to couples counselling. Wife needs to understand she LIED and betrayed your friendship and trust from day one. And upheld the lie to present day. Thats not good. It is a big deal.
Hope all works out. Hang in there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): First off you should appreciate that she is going to feel unsympathetic just because this feels foisted upon her. She hasn't done anything wrong in the present day but she is being blamed for wrongdoing now. That will feel unfair to her, never mind the logical reason that something from years ago suddenly comes back to haunt her now.
The bottom line is that you do not really know your wife. You never did. You only know the person that she presented to you that she thought you would like better.
The fact that she is not very sympathetic now, it's a perfect example of this. The 3-partner woman you thought you knew would probably have been more sympathetic. Someone who cared about the sanctity of sex enough to keep herself to so few partners, would most likely have a better understanding of how this news hurts you so much. But the real woman you married has such a different set of beliefs about sex that she probably can't relate to why this even bothers you. (So she will probably blame it on weakness of some kind. This is what most people blame retroactive jealousy on when they don't understand the moral component of it. You must be insecure, your Fragile Male Ego is wounded, you want punish women for having sex, etc.)
I'm sure part of the reason that she is not sympathetic is because she feels that she didn't do any thing wrong. And technically her sex life is not wrong. But the lying to you was VERY wrong no matter if she wants to see it that way or not. She probably thinks her past is meaningless to you but she has no right to decide what you should have strong feelings about or not. Just like she has a right to her own opinions about sex (and the different sex life that comes with it), you have the right to your own opinions about sex too (and the different marriage partner choice that come with it.) You had the right to choose someone whose feelings about sex matched yours. She robbed you of that right by lying to you.
I don't know if you can salvage this relationship. If you do it will be because your relationship completely starts over now and gets rebuilt into a new one with a new pair of people. You can't have your old wife back, she never existed. All you can do is decide you want this woman you are married to now. You may or may not want her. She is a liar as well as someone whose sexual values are completely different from yours.
Step #1, She needs to understand that this whole thing is not going to be shrugged off. She needs to understand that either the two of you are going to be dealing with this or else she is going to quickly find herself divorced. "Dealing with it" includes her admitting that lying to you was wrong.
Step #2, She needs to understand that you didn't knowingly sign up for a wife with this past. Therefore she cannot expect you to "just accept it" now as if you did. If she wanted that kind of total acceptance for the whole story then she should have told you the truth and let you make up her own mind about being with her back then.
Of course you also need to admit wrongdoing for reading her stuff. It does not match her wrongdoing but you both should try to meet each other in the middle if you can.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): Oh Rainonfire posted while I was still writing mine. DO NOT prober her for more details. Do not go further into this. How is giving your mind more fuel to burn you, more images, more experiences for it to replay going to help? It's not.
It's not a lie to not tell you all the gory details it's called protection and lying to protect your partner is perfectly acceptable anyway. I never once told a girl she was fat for instance even when they were and they asked.
Everyone has secrets in a relationship and if it doesn't effect the other person then they're okay to have.
I think rainonfire may never find himself a lifelong partner if he expects there to be zero secrets and zero lies. I would never tell my girlfriend that her new haircut looks crap even if it does. I would never tell her even the number of partners I've had, nor would I tell her that I lost count after a certain number. We all have our past secrets and if they have no bearing on the present then they're irrelevant best kept hidden because they can only mess with the present and they can't be changed so why bother?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): Yeah, you have a bad case of retro-jealousy. It's a horrible indescribable torture, that fades in time.
How can she be sympathetic OP? You were a virgin when you met her so she simply has no concept of how you feel. So you can't expect sympathy from a person who doesn't understand. Plus it was your own fault for snooping. It's a hard lesson to learn just a pity you had to learn it this way.
You do know your wife, you know her better than anyone and you know the person who she is now. Of course she's proud of her past, she kept a journal of it sure and having her conquests write detailed descriptions of shagging her in her journal doesn't exactly say she's ashamed does it? Honestly OP she has no reason to be ashamed anyway. She was a young woman who bowed to the pressures all women at her age have and that's to go out get laid, the more the better, the seedier the better because that's what living is all about these days and you haven't lived if you haven't been somewhat promiscuous (apparently).
Your brother and the female poster before me took the easy way out and didn't actually want to fight hard enough to move past it, I use the term very loosely of course because there's nothing easy about walking away they still had to fight even after they had left. Because you see you knew all these things were possible and she did you a favour by not telling you because look at your reaction, I would never go into details of my sexual exploits with my girlfriend and I don't have any keep sakes or evidence of that time because for most people not knowing that is very important. Unfortunately for you women keep everything. Memories aren't enough they need photos and keep sakes of every single thing they did. My girlfriend has two boxes full of photos alone and 3 journals. After 6+ years I still have no wish to delve deeply into her past, although we have had photo browsing sessions but she's been smart enough to have all her exes and stuff in a another box.
With all due respect to your brother and the female anon before me they gave up so while their experience is handy to know they can't actually be counted on for advice to work through this because they just cut and ran. It's like asking for advice on how to fix your broken carburetor from a person who just walked away from their car and bought a new one. I went through a similar experience and the pain is immense. Knowing the graphic details and being able to see the face of the guy and knowing how your girl reacts, sounds, smells, and acts during sex means your mind will play back all those gory details in extremely graphic and detailed way. At the worst times too, like in bed at night or when you're trying to relax.
The only way to move past it is to put that keepsake box somewhere out of sight, so you never have to see it again and then just wait, that's all. Don't stop your mind from thinking about it and re-enacting it, it'll burn itself out eventually but it will take a time.
You have to treat this like a loss and grieve in the same way. You're mourning the loss of the person you had envisioned she was. It's a very profound loss too that will take time to heal but it will heal and the person she is will come out on top if you give it time. Counselling may help and talking about how you feel with your brother may help as long as he doesn't try and give you advice, if he can just listen and empathize then you will have a powerful asset. Look take your time and don't be afraid to tell your partner you're devastated but as far as talking to her about it it will do nothing to help you it will only make things worse because you did this to yourself and it is for you to work through.
She did nothing wrong, she does not deserve to be punished and she can't empathize. The only support you can ask for is her patience and for her to understand you're in pain but there's nothing she can do to fix her past, no one can. The only thing you can do is to give it time and give yourself the chance to love the person she has become now in your head. This beautiful pure image you had has been crushed but the new image you have must be that of the beautiful fun, intelligent, funny woman you married. She is who she always has been it's only your perception of her that has changed so you just deal with it and take your time.
Don't give up on her, don't give up on your marriage just fight it and keep going.
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reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (20 December 2011):
 You opened pandoras box well in this case the box pandora keeps hidden in closets. The truth shall set you free thats what they say anyway and at this point thats the only thing that can help the situation.
What exactly do yo want to talk to her about every detail of her past life? What if she tells you she did porn to pay her way through college? I can understand why she didnt tell you she probably likes the way you treat her compared to the men who used her as a living sex toy.
But now she needs to come clean your her husband you should know the truth if she cant talk to you about it then i feel shes just using you to escape her past and have a traditional relation ship and marriage.
A husband and wife should have no secrets between them. I only ever considered marrying one women and even as freinds i told her everything she kept a few things from me thats why it wouldnt work between us she couldnt be honest with me someone who loved her and was putting her best interest first. I never even looked for lies she would just slip up. Like with this box of yours you just came across it.
I couldnt be with some one who lies to me I think i would be contacting my lawyer and be thanking my lucky stars i had a prenup. Good luck with what ever you decide.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): Welcome to retroactive jealousy. Its where souls die, and your love is forever shattered. I have been here, my friend and like your bother you cannot ever get over it without getting rid of the parter. I am a woman and found out about my ex-husband. IT must be worse to find out about your wife.
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