A
male
age
51-59,
*aybeSheIs
writes:I am a 40 year old married man. Recently I discovered that my wife has a hidden HotMail account that I am not suppose to know of. I have not confronted her yet and don't want to as I would like to see if there is a way I can tap into her email account to see what and to whom she is secretly writing emails to. She does have another email account - a regular MS Outlook that we both use. So I know that this Hotmail account is for her private use. Also in reviewing the Internet Temp Files I noticed that she has been Googling romantic getaways and has also logged onto free Online Email Greeting cards with "Love" and "Missing You" titles. Do I have something to worry about? Is there a way I can get her password for the Hotmail and she what she is up to?? I have a feeling she may be cheating but need to have proof cause she would deny and/or lie about it if ever confronted. Thank you for your advice.Confused Married Male.
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male
reader, MaybeSheIs +, writes (16 July 2007):
MaybeSheIs is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone here who took the time out to provide me much needed advice. To answer some questions:
Yes, we have children - two incredible ones in fact - they are my heart and soul and could never be without them.
We do communicate - in fact a few years ago I came across an email she had received from her male cousin in South America (whom she had just visited alone for one week) the email was in Spanish and when translated it read about how much he loves her and when they meet they kiss and make love. I confronted her and she denied that anything happened during her trip - her answer was when one translates from Spanish to English the context of the letter becomes different - so what he was referring to was ONE DAY IF they see each other again he would like to kiss her and make love to her. I didn't buy it by she kept denying any wrong doing. So I let it be. I told her if she LOVED ME then she will stop all forms of communication with him because i felt thet HE crossed the line.
Now I find the HotMail account. See how I can be confused? I want to trust her but... and if i do talk to her she will lie (or not tell me the truth) - She cant be open cause she knows what will happen between us. I feel like she wants her cake and eat it to ... Our marriage is otherwise solid -we have a great time, great kids but I feel like she just wants more or is in a midlife crisis. I don't know. But finding out the contents of her letters (even secretly though it maybe wrong) I feel like I have the bsest chance of getting to the bottom of things. I will be able to read if she is in love with someone else if she is cheating, etc. Again - THANKS!!! to ALL.......
A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (14 July 2007):
 You're getting alot mixed advice about talk to her vs. not talk to her. Try to listen to people that have had this happen to them. Communication is already an issue in your relationship obviously or she would have told you that it was an old high school friend without having to ask. I have had this happen to me, when I confronted her without evidence, she told me I was being too paranoid. That was a clue for me, but I loved her and wasn't ready to leave the relationship based on speculation. So, it took me longer to find out she was cheating because she starting hiding it better. DO NOT CONFRONT her unless you have proof. Start first instead to show her some affection. Take her out on a date to a movie or dinner. Get dressed up. Tell her she's pretty, make her feel special. Be "her man". If you love her, then try to show her how much you love her. All this cheating business, if it is happening would be because she's not getting something at home that she needs. Give her what she needs, "a man". If she's grown too far apart from you she will not respond to your affections. Is she spending more time away from home with her girlfriends? More information is needed if you really want to try to resolve this. The question for you is, if she is cheating what will YOU do?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2007): Good advice so far ,I can understand you don't want to confront your wife at this point as (she could be lying) or you don't khow what the outcome will be. There is nothing wrong with what you are trying to do(as spouse who was cheated on) and I know only too well the thoughts that go through your mind, only you can decied how you handle this I wish you well and hope the outcome is what you wish for.
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A
female
reader, 88jane  +, writes (14 July 2007):
 everyone is giving you advise about trying to guess her password and hack into the system! i think this is the wrong way to do it and you should respect her privacy, its like reading someones diary! dont do it no matter how worried you are! the only way you are going to know is if you ask her! scary i know but this is the most honest and appropriate way to approach this. if shes lying you will be able to recognise the signs! you need to talk!!
xxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2007): Hi
You could find what is a called a "keystroke logger" it is a transparent program that runs on the computer in the background and records all the keys that are pressed so you can check the logs later on and find out what the email address and password is. There are also various companies that will hack her password for you that you can probably find on google.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2007): Well there is a thing called keycatcher that you plug into your pc and captures all the things typed. Just google it so you can find out more info about it, or theres another program that you can get called pcpandora, you can just get it online, download it and it does capture screen shots and words typed.
But when you do find out information don't confront right away until you have solid proof and that you are sure whats really going on, if you spill too soon she could deny it and be more cautious of things, because she knows that you are getting suspicious of her.
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A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (14 July 2007):
Being 44 and divorced, I can sense your fear, but fear not my friend, there is life after 40, and damn good. One of my rules now is "paranoia never killed anybody". So having a healthy bit of paranoia is not a bad thing, especially if you are finding the things that you are finding. There are tools out there to be able to see what is being typed into the computer. Do your resaearch, google "cheating spouses computer surveillance" or something of the like, or hire a PI to have her followed. Whatever you do, do not confront her. If you do, it will make it that much harder for you to find out the truth. The most important question for you. What would you do if she was cheating? I know what I would do, because once I'm cheated on, I will never be able to trust that person again. [email address blocked]
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A
female
reader, Kallisti +, writes (14 July 2007):
 Did you feel that she was cheating before you saw these things?
Unless the password is saved on the computer, I am not sure how you could get into the account.
However, if your relationship has been good and trusting up until this point, all of these things may be innocent. I recently planned a large surprise trip for my husband, and I used a different email so it would remain a surprise. Other possibilities could be that she is day dreaming about taking a romantic vacation, and looking through those sites to fantasize about going there with you. The email could be a trash mail account that she uses for things like game sites which may spam. Or that the account is an old unused one. I can also think of a few reasons to send "love" or "missing you" cards, to friends going through a hard time, or friends whom she haven't seen in a long time.
If any of these things I mentioned sound like something she might do, then I would suggest that you calmly talk to her about your fears. Explain that you found these things by accident and that you are afraid. If you remain worried and suspicious, then these feelings will eat at you and cause more problems. I hope everything gets better.
-Kalli
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A
female
reader, oriental tabby +, writes (14 July 2007):
 hi there,
if your wife is up to no good,then sneaking around and trying to access her hotmail is'nt going to help anybody.two wrongs do not make a right!
obviously there is a deep lack of trust going on here but communication is the key.you need to ask your wife outright in a non-accusing way,this does not look good,i admit but there may be a perfectly innocent explanation.if she says that there is nothing to worry about,she may offer proof when she realises how much this has you worried.
good luck and best wishes x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2007): I'm not sure how to hack a email account so not mush help there. But I do have some advice. Before you get too upset about all this wait for actual proof that she is cheating. Right now it could be that she is planing a surprise for you. If you have other clues that she might be cheating then it could be time to panic. Otherwise I think it would be best to wait and see.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2007): There is ways,but thinking long and hard on this,do you really want to know, sorry but it will devstate you if she is, you will feel guilty for spyig if she isnt.
You have kids or no kids? Have to think about both outcomes first before you do such a action.
You can if it is really somehting you realy want to know,and there is software out there,to spy on computer use.Certain websites to where you can download a keylogger to trace keystrokes,but i recomend looking into safe software before you go to a keylogger,if you dont know how to install and remove a keylogger could be a bad thing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2007): Yes, you should be very worried, my wife did all the same in secret, and i only found out because my friend did something with the pc that brings the history up, and when all turned out she had booked a 3 night stay in a hotel with this bloke who shed been talking to on msn, she parted from me for being too "clingy" and advised me that it was a schoolfriend a likely story when everything was booked for two, even a double bed!
I was right and she is now going out with that bloke now, so yes be worried and confront her about it, but she may just be having a laff with her mates so be worried but be carefull
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A
male
reader, AndreC.  +, writes (14 July 2007):
 Well i dnt think theres a way of getting into it either guess it or look at her secret question and try to answer it if u get it right then u can reset the password to anything u want...hope i helped
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A
male
reader, nigelfuxwell +, writes (14 July 2007):
 Love is not a court of law, and you are not required to submit proof before you ask questions about something this important.
This certainly does sound fishy, but I think you're attempting to approach it the wrong way. When you're in a relationship, especially if you're married, there are three C's that are paramount to your success. Commitment, Communication and Comfort. Think about it for a second, and apply it what you wrote about.
You two are in a Committed relationship, so there should be a Comfort level that would allow you to ask her anything, no matter how controversial it may be. It's only going to go one of three ways.
1)She's going to be honest and tell you she's not doing anything, and explain what that's all about
2) She's going to be honest and tell you something you don't want to hear - that she's doing something sneaky and deceitful
3) She's going to lie to you - and you'd better be watching for those tell tale signs, my friend.
The other "C" is communication. And there are two issues I suspect may be at large in your situation. The fact that you aren't comfortable enough to talk to your wife about something as huge as possible infidelity makes me wonder how open your communication is in general. How often do you two really talk? Do you know what's really on her mind and in her heart? Do you ask her? Does she offer that, but maybe you or both of you are too busy to make time to really understand each other? A mistake people make is assuming once you're married the hard part is over, and now you're on cruise control. But that's not the case. You have to constantly work at getting to know your spouse forever. People change. People's needs change from day to day, year to year. It's like keeping up with changing technology or with your favorite sports team. If you stop paying attention to those things for even a short time span, when you open your eyes and look at it again, you won't recognize any player on that team. The only thing that's familiar is the uniform. The top layer. Have you noticed other changes in her behavior? Have you two become more withdrawn or distant? Is there anything besides the email trail that would indicate that she's planning a secret rendevous?
Look, I'd love to sit here and say "oh it's probably nothing" but from what your wrote it certainly makes me wonder. Maybe it is nothing, but whether she's being dishonest or not, it will not make matters any better if you resort to fishing around for things that may or may not exist. It's an awful waste of emotion and time and you'll start to form crazy ideas in your head before the first confrontation even happens.
If she is in fact "Missing someone else" you really need to examine why. What is happening that would trigger that response? One has to assume that by the fact that you're married that she loves you. If the worst case scenario exists, then don't panic, but find out what happened, and maybe it can be fixed. Maybe it can't. Who knows? You're never going to know unless you confront her...
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