A
female
age
41-50,
*enna_50
writes:The one thing that is so diff. B/w me and My husband is he wants material things to make him happy. Always has. Yet these things just create more work for him that stresses him. I get happy from the close moments doing nothing that requires $. My life goal is to be completely spiritually and emotionally happy. I can only do this when surrounded by people that think the same as me especially my spouse. I've tried and tried again to teach him by example, communication, bible teachings, etc. He gets it one sec and then gets lost again and forgets what he's learned. I need to move forward but don't want to hurt anyone I love including him. What do I do? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, jenna_50 +, writes (24 July 2012):
jenna_50 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all! I will keep trying for counciling. I agree that is prob the only thing that will help us and I can't go on like this.. It's no fun! I want a fun and fulfilling life for me and my family. I'll keep you posted.
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (24 July 2012):
 Maybe YOU should see a counselor without him then? I know you have children, so you would have to find a sitter or work around their schedules, but it could help both of you if you went. Just a suggestion.
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (24 July 2012):
There is a reason for the saying "opposites attract." I think it is a good thing you have different views - IMO it helps balance each other out.
I think by being only around people who's views completely agree with yours can be a dangerous thing long term.
...............................
A
male
reader, Leykis101 +, writes (24 July 2012):
 your last post almost changes the entire dynamic, counseling, plain and simple, it is THE ONLY!! thing that's going to fix this kind of deep rooted problem, this goes way beyond anything you can fix yourself, i promise you that, if you cant talk him into going(which it sounds like from your description of him might be hard) then you are in a horrible dilemma, try counseling, its the absolute only thing I can recommend for something this complexed, good luck and let us know.
...............................
A
female
reader, jenna_50 +, writes (24 July 2012):
jenna_50 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you bondgirl ... I think the same..and I've said that to him more than once really meaning it. Only prob is, he has no time. I bought some 5 star rated books to help him become happy. Waiting for them to come in soon. I know deep down that I ordered them for nothing because he won't read them, but I'm trying
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (24 July 2012):
After your latest post, I think some form of counseling would be your best option. I have to be honest, I tend to let life's stresses get to me also...especially with my job. I do not completely shut down, but I recognize that I change during the work week. I'm also sometimes curt or pushy with my family members because the stress to "get everything done" and "be on top of things" is always there eating at me.
The problem with loving you back is that your husband may not be able to love you back in the exact way you want. He may not be capable. He may try, but he may not have the tools and may be struggling with things of his own. I would do research on good counselors in your area and start going.
...............................
A
female
reader, jenna_50 +, writes (24 July 2012):
jenna_50 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI never said I didn't like material things. I do. I love them and are proud of what we have. We've both worked hard as a couple to get and maintain these things. I thank my husband everyday for what he does for us & he thanks me also. It's alot deeper than what I can say in a paragraph. He just lets life's stresses take over his mind. I love him deeply and always have. I pay attention to him in every way and take in and remember all the wonderful moments in our lives. I do accept him and love him for his differences. My only problem is certain differences....I love communication and conection to him, I love intimacy, making love, kissing, holding hands, enjoying simple everyday things, I even would love to disagree or argue with him if he could talk to me, I love excitement and some adventure in life, I love to go out or try something new, I like showing him how much he is loved by meaningful gifts on special occasions or complimenting him etc. These are some of our differences that I conquer with. I love life and to live. Life is hard but it is what you make of it. Our lives are extremely busy but whose isn't especially when you have children. My husband is a wonderful man, husband, & father. He is a great provider and hard worker. That's not the prob at all. My prob is he misses all the wonderful moments because his mind is on something else all the time like his "to do's". He lets life stress him to where he gets irritated and tunes out the good things and gets mentally exhausted from that that his only relief is sleep. He has no drive for intimacy or life. He has no fire. He doesn't remember things that I've told him a billion time about me. He doesn't pay attention to me or my desires. I don't ask for much more than the things he already does, but these few things that i've mentioned happens to mean a lot to me. Ive already tried writing it down in detail, talking a billion times, crying from my heart. I don't just say I need these things to him. I tell him why and what it means to me. I know men and woman are different on expressing feelings etc. It just hurts when I want so badly for my husband to love me back on the level that I love him. That's all I'm trying to say. Being on this level with him is what I need to grow stronger spiritually and emotionally....to be truly fulfilled. One of my biggest fears is growing old with him and not having anything to talk about because he didn't take in any of what matters in life. I know it's hard for some people to grasp exactly what I'm trying to say. I was just hoping for little bits and pieces of advice from someone that may have been in this situation before. Just nonjudgmental, open minded guidance. I've tried getting him to exercise with me, buying him natural supplements, he's done a sleep study, been on anti depressants for a short time, he's changed to a much better and less stressful job...etc. Thank all of you who are helping me with your personal thoughts. I'll take in the pieces of info that suits me and continue to live, learn, love, and grow. That's my goal. That's my destiny.
...............................
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (24 July 2012):
Who is the unhappy one here? To be happy with your partner concentrate on what you have in common. If your quest for spiritual happiness is newfound then you shouldn't expect he will want to do the same. If you both grew up in N.America then there is no doubt that your husbands seeking happiness through material toys is pretty normal. If you fear he is putting this desire before you and the children then you have an issue but it is nothing to do with being more spiritual. If you want to get more spiritual with him I suggest you drive out and find a hayfield to roll in - its the best religion you will find.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2012): You said he's always been like this, so it's very unlikely that anything you do will make him change now. and besies, you don't marry someone and then try to change who they are, that just isn't fair.You chose to marry someone who has an incompatible in your outlook on life from you. That wouldn't be so much of a problem if you were willing to get out of each other's way and let the other just be themselves. But you seem not to be able to do that, you seem to be trying to change him, and it's no wonder you're frustrated because you cannot change people, they are who they are. If he were to some day have different priorities it would be from his own personal life experiences and his own journey that leads him to change his mind, not from you harping on it. He's probably just going along somewhat to humor you or to avoid conflict but he's not deep down going to really change. my advice is to quit trying to make him change, and either learn to accept the husband that you have and who you made a supposed commitment to, or if it's very important for you to be 'in tune' with your spouse then you need to divorce him and so you can move on to find someone who shares your goals and philosophies.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2012):
Stop trying to change him, stop trying to 'brainwash' him into being like you.
OK I understand that you dont' share his view and you just want to have a closer relationship to the guy you're married to. There's nothing wrong with that. But your approach that he has to change to be more like you, is a problem.
for example, can you work on accepting him for who he is so that whatever time you spend with him is meaningful? Maybe you are the one who needs to work on yourself, to be more OK with what he CAN give, than to be trying to change him to suit you.
Ask him if he desires to have a closer more meaningful relationship with you, and what that looks like TO HIM. You can't foist your idea of "relationship" onto someone else and expect them to buy into it. Make him part of the process, not the problem. that's a start.
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (23 July 2012):
Sorry, we are just trying to understand. We can't give very good advice if we don't fully understand the situation. If your husband is lost spiritually and emotionally numb due to his upbringing, it sounds like maybe the two of you should try couseling together? There could be a lot of different responses to this situation...such as your husband could be extremely depressed and could be using material things to fill a temporary high, but then is let down. If this is not something you can help by yourself, I would see if you can get your husband to go to counseling either alone or as a couple. You can even get counselors who specifically focus on spiritual matters. That is what I would suggest right now since it sounds like while you still want to help him, it is getting a bit frustrating for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (23 July 2012):
Sorry, we are just trying to understand. We can't give very good advice if we don't fully understand the situation. If your husband is lost spiritually and emotionally numb due to his upbringing, it sounds like maybe the two of you should try couseling together? There could be a lot of different responses to this situation...such as your husband could be extremely depressed and could be using material things to fill a temporary high, but then is let down. If this is not something you can help by yourself, I would see if you can get your husband to go to counseling either alone or as a couple. You can even get counselors who specifically focus on spiritual matters. That is what I would suggest right now since it sounds like while you still want to help him, it is getting a bit frustrating for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, jenna_50 +, writes (23 July 2012):
jenna_50 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk ... I typed that question very broadly this morning while avoiding my husband and children. There is way more to it, and I don't have 3 days or more to fill in all the missing blanks right now. I will come back another day if I can't figure my problems out alone. I have all the best intentions for my husband and my children and will do anything to make us all happy with our lives. My husband will be the first to admit he is lost spiritually and emotionally numb. He says it was do to his up bringing. He is, however, a wonderful man and father, and I have devoted 13 yrs to trying to make him happy so that I can be happy... I'm still not giving up because I see his soul. That's why I married him
...............................
A
male
reader, Leykis101 +, writes (23 July 2012):
Biblical teachings?? what the hell does any of this have to do with your being happy? sounds like your husband works his ass off, and enjoys the rewards from his hard work, what because he doesn't slap on a robe, and some sandals, and head out into the jungle with you to pray and meditate, that he cannot be happy with you, it genuinely sounds like you've gotta screw loose, I don't really understand what you want out of us, as I didn't see your question, seems more like you want an OK from us that your doing the right thing, I absolutely think your doing the right thing, you need to move on, and do it as quickly as you possibly can, you do not and should not tamper with your spiritual happiness, he obviously doesn't get it, so you cannot teach that, you say it's like he gets it then it's gone, no sorry, it's not gone, he gets it, understands it, perfectly fine, he probably just thinks it's boring, and uneventful, and doesn't subscribe to it, as his sole source of happiness, maybe you need to buy some toys, and material things and try to be happy through those, why shouldn't you? learn to be happy spending money and buying things, i didn't hear you mention you had tried to spend money and be happy buying things, so I don't see the give and take with you.
...............................
A
female
reader, jenna_50 +, writes (23 July 2012):
jenna_50 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk ... I typed that question very broadly this morning while avoiding my husband and children. There is way more to it, and I don't have 3 days or more to fill in all the missing blanks right now. I will come back another day if I can't figure my problems out alone. I have all the best intentions for my husband and my children and will do anything to make us all happy with our lives. My husband will be the first to admit he is lost spiritually and emotionally numb. He says it was do to his up bringing. He is, however, a wonderful man and father, and I have devoted 13 yrs to trying to make him happy so that I can be happy... I'm still not giving up because I see his soul. That's why I married him
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (23 July 2012):
I am not sure what the question is. Are you saying that your husband will not conform to your philsophy, so you want out of your marriage?
Your husband is like many people and wants to enjoy material things during his time here on the planet. Is that so terrible? Is he otherwise a good and loving man?
If he has ALWAYS wanted material things to make him happy then maybe it is time for your to be accepting of this part of his personality. Just because he enjoys material things does not make him the anti-Christ. If we weren't meant to have material things, God would not have given us such wonderful brains and creativity to use with which to make so many things.
You talk about him as if he is a child..."he has it one minute then gets lost". If you don't have any respect left for this man because you are "so far above him" then maybe it's time for a divorce.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (23 July 2012):
 Sorry I dont quite understand what is going on here - you say your husband ALWAYS has been materialistic, therefore you married him knowing this fact. So why are you trying to change him? What makes you think that just because you believe in something everyone else around you must agree with you too?
If you wanted to surround yourself with people who share the same values then you never should have married this man. End of story.
You have no right to try and change him and force your values upon him, just because he likes to have material possessions does not make him a bad person, it just makes him different to you.
Part of being a good Christian (and good person in general) is accepting people's differences and accepting them for who they are - not try and change them just because you believe in something different.
So you have to make a choice - either your love for him is strong enough to accept who he is and love him for who he is, flaws and all. Or if you desperately need to be surrounded by people that think the same as you do, well you need to leave him and probably marry someone from your church group who shares the exact same morals as you do.
But you have brought this on yourself, you agreed to marry him knowing who he is and what values he holds. In my opinion you should love someone for who they are, not for who you want them to be and you should never try to change them. So if you said your vows to this man to love him for the rest of your life, through good times and bad - well you are just going to have to learn to be a better person, stop pushing your values onto others and live a happy life with the man you love.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 July 2012):
 To be COMPLETELY spiritually and emotionally happy is a pretty hefty goal. Other than your husband, do you have people around you who think just as you do?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2012): I thunk yuo should leave him, he clearly accepts you as you are and he even tries to learn your spirituality stuff, but some people are just not born that way, some people do not feel fulfilled on the same way as you. Since you cannot accept him as he is, then none of you will have peace and he will be frustrated because you took him away from his dreams.
Think about it,bible also says not to be selfish, so maybe you should let him be happy
...............................
|
