A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need to know if people are capable of change when it comes to cheating?I broke up with my partner of 10 years and father to my child 18 months ago. We had a good relationship. There were a couple of niggles - he was slightly stricter bringing our son up than I would have liked, he changed jobs frequently, but other than that, we were very happy. Beginning of last year I found out he’d cheated on me with a woman at work. He swears it was just a few weeks of texting and they went for dinner a few times, she says otherwise. Frankly, I don’t care for the extent of it, he cheated in whatever form and so that was it. We split up.Since then he has done a lot to try and get me back. He’s remained, to my knowledge, very consistent with staying in touch, he’s a fabulous parent to our child and he’s continued to pay his share of the mortgage in order that I didn’t have to uproot our son. He hasn’t had another relationship - or certainly not that I know of.I on the other hand, have dated. It broke my heart to discover he’d cheated and I wanted to move on. I’ve dated a few guys but none of them have even come close to what I felt for him or how he made me feel. One guy I was seeing for 6 months and got to know very well, but he didn’t make me laugh like my ex and I didn’t feel a good connection to him.My ex is desperate to make another go of things. We still get on well, I wanted to maintain a good relationship for our child and so we do sometimes take him for lunch together and spend time together although this has only started happening recently.Can cheaters change? Does anyone who cheats deserve a second chance? I miss him and part of me wants to try again but I don’t want history repeating itself
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2020): I am not sure if they are capable of change. Not in a deep, soul searching way, unless they only did it once. But if they do it more than once, then I think although possible, it is not likely at all. Then it becomes a pattern of behavior.Here is the crux of it. I think cheaters can stay in monogamous relationships however I believe that even though they may have every intention of being faithful and loyal, they will always have a trigger laying dormant inside them that can always be pulled at any given time, due to any given circumstance, or any given person. So, I believe that they remain faithful so long as an attractive or viable opportunity does not come up. And they feel compelled to explore that opportunity because past issues which have led them to cheat lay dormant, waiting to surface again, yet were never resolved. So, if they don't know what causes them to cheat and never resolve the issues, then they are very likely to do it again. That is why there are some people that cheat on every partner they have been with. They don't admit they have issues. They are just expert escape artists. And if they do not acknowledge problems exist to begin with, then they can never change. Cheaters are so very good at the art of denial and gaslighting. But the only people they delude and fool is themselves. Most people and especially cheaters are NOT willing to look at the broken and flawed person in the mirror so they just continue to activate the escape latch. Self medicating soothes the problem but by the very virtue of continuing the self medicating it only creates deeper wounds in time. Making them feel emptier and even less happy. The pattern becomes more and more engrained and they end up not knowing who they are anymore. It truly is like an addiction. They keep trying to escape the person in the mirror. And once they do it enough times, and numb the guilt enough times, they can keep going without feeling any remorse because by that time it becomes a lifestyle.Now, I think it is a COMBINATION of internal issues which are already present in a cheater when coupled with an external or external components which cause the perfect storm, which leads to cheating. So, they may be the type to need excessive ego boosting and attention and validation as they are deeply insecure. So, they may just flirt harmlessly. Enjoying the attention UNTIL they feel they are being neglected by their partner in some way. Perhaps the partner works long hours, has other responsibilities like raising a family, paying the bills, is tired because of real life. So the cheater, already having deficiencies within, starts to look for outside validation. To feel wanted and appreciated. Somebody inevitably always comes along. Or, if they cheater is really brave, they will aggressively search out opportunities online. Of fall into a chat room just to be friendly or out of curiosity but they know their true intentions and are waiting for the right person to bite. Technology these days is such a bitch. Choices are available as easy as 30 flavors of ice cream right at your finger tips. But often they cheat with someone they see in everyday life. Someone at work or in social circles or where they engage in hobbies. Often with someone with something in common. It begins as a seemingly innocent friendship or aquaintanceship and blossoms from there. They will always say they never intended for it to become an affair. And often yes, this is true. But the fact is they were in a vulnerable state for whatever reason. And they chose to act on an inappropriate relationship rather than act with integrity. I once read that it's like two people wandering around. One with a wine glass and a bottle of wine, and the other person with a wine glass. They find each other.A lot of these people will always need extra icing in their lives. It is a deficiency in them that is to blame. Not the neglect of their partner. In such a case, they should discuss any dissatisfaction with their partner and work on finding solutions. But most keep quiet and it just festers and the indifference and resentment builds. In walks somebody new and exciting and POOF they are suddenly the answer to all their problems. Actually they are not. They are more like a distraction. A flimsy band aid on their problems in their primary relationship. After that fun is over, the problems are still there. At some point they need to confront reality, their relationship issues and do the hard work. But they do not like hard work. It is no fun. They would prefer to escape for a little while. The escape damages the trust and foundation of their long term relationship. It is a very immature, selfish and thoughtless way to deal with problems. When found out, their partner either leaves or their relationship eventually crumbles due to lack of trust. The damage was done. So they find themselves a new partner and repeat their old behavior. It is sad for the trail of broken hearts they leave behind. Every new person has no idea of what they are capable of if it is never revealed to them. So they just become another number.I think most cheaters do it and see they get away with it. And they keep doing it and see they keep getting away with it. It becomes more like a high that they are not caught. So they figure it is okay to keep doing it when the opportunity presents itself because they keep getting away with it. They have a happy life with a comfortable partner and excitement on the side when it comes along. But they often go back to their long term partners. The long term partners have no idea. And if not discovered, they just keep doing it with this sense of entitlement because they are fueled by never getting caught. So they start to feel invincible. So, that is another factor. They play this game with themselves. They keep gambling because they have never LOST. Sort of like when you win some money at a casino. Do you keep what you just won and go home? Or do you gamble it all on another bet? Cheaters will almost always gamble it all on another bet. The only way they can ever be reformed is to HIT ROCK BOTTOM. Their whole world has to implode around them. They may only regret getting caught and losing it all. But in the end, that lesson learned the hard way may actually get them to finally realize how wrong they were, and how much they need to change.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2020): My uncle used to say 'People don't change they just get more like themselves.' But he was an optimist.Perhaps people can change if they are motivated enough to. Maybe losing you was enough to motivate him. I have my doubts because he is still lying to you about the extent oh his affair. That sounds like a less than honest guy to me. It seems you really want to be with your ex. So be with him. You may want to insist on some conditions, like a long period of dating and couple's counseling before you get hitched again. And keep in the back of your mind that this man you had this amazing connection with and makes you laugh more than other guys was probably making his affair partner laugh and severed that connection for a roll in the hay with a co-worker. Best of luck to you.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (16 October 2020):
 The cheater that is going to change is the first time cheater, who immediately confesses his misdeed who gives complete truth the first time.
The cheater who is going to cheat again for sure is the long term affair, multiple affair or serial cheater.
Your man is somewhere between these two. he is nat a hardened serial affair cheater who is addicted to cheating thrill. But, he did plot and plan this affair (it wasn't an off the cuff mistake) He also was made to confess and is still withholding details. So he has more attachment to the cheating than we expect to see in a person who is going to successfully reconcile.
You are in a tough spot and I am very sorry that you are here. Please follow up for more help.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2020): I had a one time fling with a young lady I jogged with. She was in a bad marriage. I have no one to blame buy myself but she offered oral sex "noting he would hate more" and I was too willing to say no. That led to full fledged affair. I changed in that was such a long shot that will never happen again.
Karma part II
Feeling guilty I confessed. Then she confessed.
Around the same time, maybe the exact same time, she was out of town on biz. She felt uneasy the first night in her hotel.
The 2nd night she went to the Hotel Happy Hour and met a handsome Mr Right Now and slept with him the next 2 nights.
It sort of equaled out. We're this All American couple and we both cheated. I really think given the perfect storm many more would cheat.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2020): Code Warrior is bang on.What he said about lack of trust RUINING the relationship is 1000 percent true. It does. You will fight with him all the time, trying to appease your own demons which are triggered by any of his behaviour which may appear normal to others or to him but to you it triggers anxiety and fear. One day you're okay. He convinces you all is well. And loves you. The next day he took too long in the bathroom and had his iPad with him. It was innocent he says. He reads while on the toilet. But you will always wonder if he was secretly talking to another woman. You will pick apart every single thing he does. Get clingy. Paranoid. Anxiety ridden. Depressed. Possessive. PTSD. You will be drowning and take him down with you. Not a happy ending to the love story you scripted in your head.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2020): Can cheaters change? Yes, some do. The question is, has the cheater in YOUR relationship changed?
My first partnership lasted 28 years. Cancer took him from me. Five years in, I caught my partner in bed with somebody. It took me a long-time to regain trust and forgive him. His efforts to regain my trust was exemplary. He changed in many ways; but that's because he had strong-character and was a good person to start with. That's what made it all the more painful that he so easily slipped. He is human, and so am I. I could have myself, on a few opportunities that came my way; but I wouldn't allow myself to. I've had some close-calls, and in recalling how I felt about that cheating incident; it might have been somewhat of a deterrent. Maybe it's because I value trust; and that also attributed to keeping me from succumbing to weakness or impulse, when I was in those tempting situations. I'm not vindictive by nature; so payback was never a consideration. I'd rather dump you first. I was quite young then, but if it happened in my present relationship; I'd still forgive, but end the relationship. We are mature, and the relationship is healthy and well-established. Not without normal problems. To compromise that, has to have severe consequences. If I truly trust you, I also love you. I don't dole it out to Lottie, Dottie, and just anybody!
You have to give yourself adequate time to recover from the injury of his betrayal; so distrust, paranoia, or suspicion will not pester or plague you, while you both attempt a slow and deliberate reconciliation. Proceed with caution. Don't let loneliness or his persuasion through manipulation be the driving force behind any consideration to reconcile. Women close-to and over 40, tend to easily forgive their abusive or cheating-partners. Only to regret it! You don't take anybody back; until you know in your heart and soul that it is the right thing to do. He'll be on his best behavior only to make you quickly forgive and forget. He'll cry crocodile-tears, while begging and pleading on his hands and knees. He wants you to let it all slide! To his benefit, not yours!
Not so fast buckaroo!!! Before cheating, there is always that moment of contemplation and inner-debate; whether to go through with it, and to weigh the consequences. If forgiveness is received too easily, or too quickly; it will be just as easy to cheat again! The breakup should be the lesson learned; and it should be fixed in his mind. If that wasn't deterrent enough, cheating is in his blood. It will happen again without question. Taking him back and keeping him on a short-leash is what weak-minded women do. Too dumb to let-go, and to insecure to believe they can find another man. He'll be all the more careful and clever to cover his tracks! Sorry, but I don't sugarcoat my advice! I have to penetrate deep-emotions that dull the better-judgement and your commonsense. To bypass that all too common refrain: "...but I love him!" That's a shield, and a wall put put-up to fend-off advice to let him go! It's your choice, of course; but when you ask for advice, it behooves you to utilize the wisdom and heed all warnings!
Reconciliation doesn't always mean taking him back. It means forgiveness and moving forward. There should be growth on both sides. It should be evident in your actions moving-forward.
It's good to have an in-depth heart to heart talk about your feelings; and explain to him exactly how much his cheating hurt you. It will bring you closure to that painful episode. It will allow you to vent those things you've suppressed or bottled-up, but wanted to say. That should help him to seriously realize how damaging his actions were. He has to know what injury you bring to the man or woman you love; when you become disloyal and untrustworthy. Forgiveness is not weakness or stupidity; and it shouldn't be taken for granted. You should also consider whether any reconciliation leads to another level in the relationship. If you take him back, where do you go from here?
You don't need to be anybody's perpetual and forever-girlfriend! At some point he should want to be committed as your husband, to become a family, and be a real father to his son. As long as he's a boyfriend, without vows; you're both held together on an honor-system. A gentlemen's agreement. He still senses his access to singleness and freedom; when not bound to keep any vows to honor and be faithful to you. Not that he won't cheat because he's your husband; but this level of commitment is the establishment of trust by making a promise, vowing to be faithful and loyal to you and his family! You've already invested 10 years. Time for your return! Cash-in your dividends!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (15 October 2020):
 ANYONE can change if they want to. Its just that change isn't easy and most people don't want to go through the trouble of changing. For the most part, cheaters continue to cheat and will do so in every relationship.
My ex husband has been married and divorced 5 times. He cheated in EVERY marriage. He's just a serial cheater.
Once you are cheated on, its very hard to get trust back. Many times the trust lost can never be gained back. You will always be wondering if they are late, are they cheating? Are they telling me the truth? ect..ect...Only you can know if you trust your ex and are willing to put your heart on the line. Trust can be regained, but its a long drawn out battle and many relationships just can't survive cheating.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 October 2020):
 Yes, people are capable of change. But it's rare that they actually change. Mostly, they will make a lot of empty promises that they KNOW the other person wants to hear, they will moderate their behavior.
I think you will not be able to trust him fully ever again. You might find SOME trust and rebuild that WITH him, but only if HE is ready to put in the work.
I think the fact that HE tells a VERY different story than the woman he cheated with is an indication that he was ( Like CindyCares brought up) GAMBLING on getting away with it. To have his family unit and do whatever on the side.
I don't think HIM telling you the details will help. But him minimizing his OWN actions is his way to justify what he did.
There is no guarantee that he won't do it again. There are no guarantees that he will. In general there are no guarantees in life, other than birth and death.. and taxes.
If it was me, I don't think I could let him back in my life. I'm not sure it would be WORTH the distress over the mistrust. It is AWFUL to have lost trust and faith in someone whom you GAVE trust to feely. He didn't just make a "mistake" he MADE a CHOICE, a GAMBLE to do something he KNEW would hurt you AND the relationship. But his priority was HIM and what HE wanted.
We are all a bit selfish in a sense. But cheating is more that just a little selfish.
If you ARE going to do this (get back together) I would consider couples counseling. And to not just let him move back in and pretend all is well. This NEEDS to be discussed, the ISSUE of him cheating NEEDS to be resolved BEFORE you "start up again".
But in short, yes people can change. They just rarely do. If you consider HOW hard it is to change little things yourself. Think, swearing (just an example). It takes a LOT of work and effort to stop doing that. Of being on social media posting nonsensical pictures and quotes because you feel you HAVE to post something.... Think about it.
And CodeWarrior is right, NOTHING like cheating and lack of trust kills a relationship.
Once you lose trust the other things will start to fade. Like love, respect, care. I have seen people who took back a cheater ending up BEING a cheater. And they lave to LIVE with that regret, that piss poor choice.
Ultimately, YOU alone can decide this. And decide WHAT you expect from him, what YOUR deal breakers are.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 October 2020):
 We cannot exclude that cheaters may change ; they can- it just does not happen very often.
People can change if they want to, if they have a strong motivation to change. I've known , not just heard of, people who have ditched old , entrenched addictions, with all the absolute misery that this entailed, because they really wanted to change, they stood to lose their life, their health, their family, something they really did not want to lose.
Cheaters are just less motivated, they sort of " hope " they won't find themselves in a situation leading to cheating, like , say , being bored with their life and in need of something new, or going through personal problems for which they did not feel supported enough by their partner, or ... whatever reason ( excuse, actually ) they had for cheating the first time. But it's not like they'd go out of their way to understand what caused the cheating and to avoid ending in the same situation and , in case, to resist temptation with all their strength. It's not that they commit to, or they work hard at, never cheating again.
That because cheaters, deepo down, are also gamblers. Some of them will be sincerely devastated if they have to lose their official partner and their home life, and yet they gamble. They bet with themselves that they won't be caught, ... and if they are caught, they ...bet they can fix it and have a second chance. As it happens very often. Most women decide to give a second chance to a cheating partner, I guess the majority. Either out of charity and humanitarian spirit ( ...nobody is perfect, everybody can make a mistake... ) or to keep the family together if there are children involved, or because they are afraid of living single after so many years as a couple. Or simply, as it is probably your case, because the old feeling of love and connection still weigh more than the new ones of anger and mistrust.
Lo and behold, these cheating people KNOW they just need to act nice and sweet and googly eyed for a while- and they will get , almost automatically, a second chance. What they will decide to do with that second chance, and if they will understand how precious it is,... that's all to be seen.
I realize that my answer... does not answer your question. It is a hard question to answer with a yes or no. As I said, my opinion is that yes, people, including cheaters, CAN change if they want.... how many of these people, and in your case, precisely your partner,- want to change, that's another story , and FWIW, I would have to say , not many. Really not many at all.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (15 October 2020):
I cheated on someone once in my life. I was 18 and slept with my ex boyfriend after a night out when I was dating someone else. I woke up the next day and felt so sick I cut both of them off and have never done anything like that ever again. I am now 35. So yes, I do think people can change after making a mistake. But they need to know why and take steps to know what caused it and make sure that won’t happen again.
In my case, I still loved my ex and was trying to move on with the new guy although my heart wasn’t in it. So since then I’ve never dated anyone on the rebound and made sure I’m 100% free to commit before I do so.
Has your ex done any work to understand why it happened and make sure it won’t again? If so you might have a chance. If he’s just playing it down as a silly mistake then I’m less hopeful because what happens when he gets bored/feels neglected/whatever it was in the future? Will he fall back into old patterns? It doesn’t sound like he’s even told you the whole story about what happened so can you really believe he is sorry?
Aside from that, I agree the real issue is trust. Do you think you can trust him again? Or learn to in time? I think I’d always be suspicious after a betrayal like that but you know yourself better than we do.
And finally, you say you’ve not found anyone else yet but that doesn’t mean you won’t, or you should go back to someone you know you won’t be happy with because you’re scared you won’t meet anyone else. But if on the other hand you genuinely feel there’s still something there that’s worth trying for then it might be worth a try. Only you can answer that though.
I wish you luck in whatever you decide.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (15 October 2020):
 I think the real issue here is can you honestly trust him again?.
I believe that trust is the most important contributing factors that bind a relationship together, once the trust barrier has been broken its hard to come back from.
You say you don't want history repeating itself?. So before you have even tried again with him there is already that niggling feeling the history will indeed repeat itself.
He broke the trust barrier with you so naturally your guard is always going to be up. When his phone goes off, receives a text, or is later home from work than he normally is, you are going to be thinking he is up to no good.
Not many people are that thick skinned that they can just brush it under the carpet and pretend it never happened. Once someone has been cheated on, its always there in the back of your mind.
Can cheaters change?. Well if they are capable of doing it once, they are capable of doing it again.
Does a cheater deserve a second chance?. Again personally I would say no. Once the trust barrier has been broken there is no going back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2020): Sorry to burst your bubble but in this case no, sorry, I don't think so.I think he's desperate to come home because he realises he had a great thing and whatever woman decides to take him on will never give him the deal you gave him. That's always going to be the case with cheaters sadly, they will say anything to get back in the family home and once you let them back in, they then know what you are willing to tolerate.Think about it logically, you had a great relationship, got on well and there were no issues yet he still cheated. Why was that?I very much doubt you will ever be able to trust him again because of the above, because in the back of your mind you know that no matter how good your relationship is, he is capable of cheating. You know that because he did exactly that....whilst there were 0 issues! Not that any issues would excuse it but if there were then you could at-least work on that basis.You've managed 18 months without him and you've gotten this far, don't go back now. Keep running and soon enough you will meet somebody who can make you laugh the way your ex did. You miss him because you miss the security blanket, the cosy family set up etc. I hate to break it to you but even if he does come back, you still won't get that cosiness back. Each time he moves to check his phone or spends too long going out for the paper you will find yourself wondering.On a final note, please also analyse the statement 'that I know of' ....what don't you know of or are scared to know of?
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