A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently met up with an old uni friend who I hadn't seen for over a year. He took a picture of us together and sent it to a group chat. It turns out that 3 out of a group of 4 of us from uni had set up a group but I hadn't been invited to it. He showed me the photo he'd sent in the chat app and another friend replied to him about the photo whilst I was looking. It was a really unpleasant, rude and unkind remark. But k took it as 'banter' and tried not to take it too seriously.Later that day I sent the friend who messaged me a message asking how he was, saying how long it'd been and saying we'd have to meet up at some point. He replied with simply the word 'yeah'. I then said I'd heard him and his partner had gotten a house and congratulations etc but he didn't respond.A few days later I messaged again to ask if he had any days off over the next few weeks to meet up. He just said 'Can't. I work 9-5, Mon-Fri'.So I said how about a weekend over the next couple of months? And he never responded.I know he is always someone to immediately respond so I know he is ignoring me.I can't think why he'd dislike me now. We used to be very close in uni but we did drift a lot. I have recently been talking a lot more with the other 2 again and there doesn't seem to be any bad feelings between us so I don't know what it is. They haven't mentioned him disliking me but the fact he was bad mouthing me on their group chat makes me think they are probably talking behind my back but only one of them meaning it seriously.The only thing I can think of was that I wasn't able to make one of their stag do's last year (not his) and then a different friend's stag do earlier this year so maybe he was annoyed I didn't go. Other than that I just don't know.I suffer heavily with depression and anxiety and cannot cope with confrontation or bad feelings/vibes towards me. It makes me physically sick and unable to sleep. My heart and head are racing.I want to try and call him but feel that it will either end in him ignoring me or being unpleasant which will make it worse. I also think it might be a bit pathetic keep trying to push for someone to respond when they don't want to and that he may be enjoying the fact he's hurting me and I'd be giving him more power. In many ways it might be best to just ignore it but I'm struggling mentally dealing with it.Any advice would be very much appreciatedMany thanks
View related questions:
stag Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2020): This whole ordeal is a tremendous trigger! I think you should just back away from it altogether!
Your suspicions may not even be true; and there's probably some paranoia attributed to your anxiety disorder.
This group is best kept at a good distance. You can't stop people from talking behind your back. If you can't handle it; you'll be better-off finding yourself another social circle.
Personally, I think it's unmanly to be gossipy and catty. If they're that petty, maybe you're right; they don't want you in their group. If you have bad-feelings; that should be enough to urge you to move on. You were just fine until you got involved in this group. If it turns out they are talking behind your back, you should have listened to your gut; before letting it get to you so badly.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2020): Time and people move on. He may well have a full life and doesn't want to catch up with old friends. He may have a controlling wife/girlfriend who doesn't like him spending time with anyone but her. He may have just found out that his wife/girlfriend is having an affair/is ill. Or his parents, or himself. See what I mean? I VERY much doubt that this is all about you, as CindyCares says. People have far from perfect lives that are difficult to contend with sometimes, he might just not be feeling sociable and up for an evening of Auld Lang Syne at the moment. The pandemic might have hit him hard, he could be depressed. I think all of these possibilities are far more likely than someone plotting away how to hurt you and enjoying it?!You sound a little paranoid, as if every single response you get from someone is because of how they feel about you and not about what could be going on with them.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 October 2020):
 OP, ... it's not all about you. It's unfortunate that you have to suffer from depression and anxiety and I am sure that being in your shoes is uncomfortable. Still, having this problem does not give you permission to make a pest of yourself and harass people who, for whatever reason of theirs, don't want to be around you.
You are basically saying that since being rejected makes you feel bad, basically you expect and demand from everybody to accept you, like you and appreciate you,- and if they don't, you'll make them ! by forcing yourself on them more than it is sensible or polite.
This person already signaled in every possible way , short of spitting in your face, that he does not wish to reconnect with you. Leave it at that, and leave him alone. Show some respect, respect his decision. It may be a bad decision, a wrong one, because you know that actually you'd make a wonderful friend and a brilliant company if only given a chance....but it's his decisison and he does not owe you a long , detailed explanation ( which , I suspect, you would not accept or agree with anyway ). His loss. Too bad for him. Maybe he is missing out on something good- but he has every right of missing it out, and your attempts to make him reconsider are not just a bit pathetic, they start becoming invasive and obnoxious.
As for WHY he does not want you back in his life, I have no clue , obviously, but it can be much less personal than you'd make it. Some people simply have no interest in going back down memory lane, they prefer to stay in the present and look forward to the future, and just find gatherings of ex best friends boring and awkward. This is far from unusual, although , like probably this ex friend of yours, generally people won't just come out and say it , they 'd rather you catch their hint.
Not all friendships are made to last forever, some people fit in your human landscape for a while and then life just goes on , it's not that they have done something horrible, it 's just that life brought you on different paths to different places in life, with different interests , priorities,goals.
To make a long story short, OP, my bet is that this ex friend does NOT hate your guts and it's NOT enjoying the fact that he is hurting you - also because he has no idea you are hurt so much, generally speaking someone in your shoes would be slightly annoyed, but not " hurt ".
My bet is that... he just can't be bothered . Now, having such a conniption , because some guy from your past can't be bothered with you .... TBH I wonder how much is about clinical anxiety,... and how much about a very blown up ego...
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (17 October 2020):
 Just carry on being yourself, you have done absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever.
You have initiated contact, even congratulated him on his new place. He has decided to ignor you, so the problem lies with him.
I'm sure they are not talking about you behind your back. And if they are forget about it, they need to grow the hell up.
Carry on being polite and friendly to the rest of the group, and forget about this guy, he sounds like a jerk.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2020): You need to accept that not everything goes your way. This guy is not interested - accept it and stop pushing.
Sometimes people who say they have depression find it hard to accept the World for what it is. People all make choices, this guy has a right to decide who he meets up with and spends time with, everyone has. Actually you do not have depression, you suffer from sadness, which is very different, you get sad when things do not go your way, which is not an illness it is needing to learn to see things and people a different way.
When he said he cannot meet because of work it was obvious he did not want to so why go back for more of the same?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 October 2020):
 Why not just leave him be?
It doesn't seem like he wants to be friend so why TRY so hard?
He sounds like a bit of a dick, not really someone you'd want in your life.
He might not like you, so what? Not everyone will. Just like not everyone will be YOUR cup of tea either.
If he talks smack about you be4hind your back there isn't much you can do, but DO remember it makes HIM look bad... not you.
I'd probably just "forget" his number (as in delete it or block it) and let it go.
...............................
|
