A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello Aunts and Uncles I’m in a rut in my life and need some help. Bit of a backstoryI grew up as a child and in my teens around abusive relationships. My mom and dad divorced when I was young and my dad use to beat my mom. My mom then went through a long series of other abusive relationships. It was always the same. They would date for 6 months max before he would move into our house. Then the emotional and physical violence would start. It once ended up in me having a physical fight with one of them when I was 16. We always had the police around our house. I was always trying to protect my sister. She has a new boyfriend who lives in the house. He was recently diagnosed with lymph node cancer. I was living alone at the time But the lease was up in my apartment and I was having to find a new place to live. As my moms bf was going through treatment my mum asked me to move in with them for a while to help them out financially until his treatment is over. I agreed as I didn’t want my mom to struggle. My moms new bf isn’t violent and treats her well but there’s a few things about him that I don’t like. One of them being we found hidden cameras around the house. My mom confronted him and he made up some silly excuse and everything was forgiven by her. I’m now at a point in my life where I wonder if I have depression. I’m 33 living with my mom who questions everything I do and criticises everything. My moms bf who I don’t trust and makes me uncomfortable (he also spyed on my younger sister in the bath through the door that was broken). I struggle with dating. I’m attractive and get attention. However due to my past I struggle to make connections with men. We date and then they get bored because I don’t let them in. I struggle with affection and almost clam up. I generally feel nothing for the men I date UNTIL they break up with me - then I all of a sudden get feelings for them after I realise it’s my fault they couldn’t make a connection with me. I can flirt with a man but when I find out they like me it’s almost as If I get scared and go into my shell. Think I’m scared of men in general in a romantic way and relationships. Every time I start dating someone new I always say it will be different and I will open myself up - but I just can’t do it. It doesn’t happen. Ive had bfs before although I don’t know why they stayed with me. I never let any of them in, we were more like friends who had sex. They all tried with me but they all realised they needed more from a gf. My last bf literally was begging me for affection but I just ignored it. It’s only years later I realise that’s what he was asking for and it wasn’t fair of me to dismiss him. I always realise too late. I have a good job and a few friends. Although I generally struggle with connections to people in general - these are mainly life long friends. But even if they didn’t want to be my friend anymore I wouldn’t care. I wouldn’t care if I have no friends - that’s not normal. It’s all effort to me. I don’t feel sad or lonely. It’s almost like I feel nothing most of the time. Almost numb. Not a lot makes me laugh or happy. I like to spend a lot of time alone. I’m a very private person and don’t like anyone knowing a lot about me. Nothing makes me sad either, I can’t remember the last time I cried. It’s almost like I have no emotions except anger but even that is rare. I’ve even been called a robot a few times in my life. Could this be depression or PTSD? If it is this has been my whole adult life I’ve been numb not something new. It’s only now I’m in my 30s and expected to settle down that I’m finally being honest with myself. It didn’t matter so much in my 20s and I was in denial. If I have depression I feel like I’ve wasted my whole life. I don’t think I’m going to get over my issues anytime soon even with therapy as I’ve been This way my whole life. If id of gotten help earlier then there would be hope for me. I struggle talking about myself so will I even let a therapist in. Apart of me wishes I lived alone on a remote island. No one to answer to and I can just be myself and not have to fake emotions or put effort into friendships or anything. My question is does this sound like depression to you? I don’t want to live my life being numb anymore, I’m sick of people asking me why I’m single more than I hate actually being single. I’m considering therapy it’s just getting the motivation to do it. Sorry this is long
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2020): I suspect that there was more than the abuse that you touched on so lightly in your writing.It mustve been extremely difficult to cope at times.You're probably suffering from 'burnout' and this brings depression and makes it hard to see a future pathway.You could ask your doctor for talking therapy.You don't have to retell it and relive the trauma of past events of you don't want to.You can talk about finding coping mechanisms amongst other things and you can go at your own pace.It can come as a shock to find out that events that were relatively nontraumatic at the time were actually part of an abusive pattern that you were taught by the adults in your life were normal.I would consider moving out and renting elsewhere but the effect of therapy can be that very high walls of constraint come tumbling down, leaving you with space in your mind to have a normal thought or emotion because blocking stuff out also can get very tiring.If you did this from where you are now you would feel a subtle shifting in attitudes that eventually will give you the freedom to live without carrying others burdens.If you have cash or a ready income you can pay about $50 per month and have continual access to online help.This is useful if you don't want to travel to talk or haven't got the time or space. Also if another problem crops up unexpectedly you can still make contact with your psychologist who can show you what is really going on or how to cope with it.You can opt out any time.Also you can write in your experiences rather than speak them which can help if you are particularly overwhelmed or don't want any information in the regular health system for insurance purposes etc.You can get beyond burn out and slowly regain access to your emotions and recreate your life.So far you have had the strength to keep on going but it would be heartless of me not to tell you that you don't have to suffer in silence for ever.And you will find the power to seek a better life for yourself.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 October 2020):
 We cannot give you a diagnosis, we are not medical professionals. FWIW, you do show °some° symptoms of depression: persistent " empty " or " numb " mood, loss of interest or pleasure in activities and social interaction, feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, pessimism...
Then again, you don't mention several other things like sleeping too much or too little, crying spells, eating way too much or , au contraire, losing your appetite,- and other stuff generally associated with depression, so, who knows.
I think you'd have nothing to lose in consulting a specialist and hearing his opinion. Depression comes in various " sizes ", from very mild to very severe, and , TBH, not to dismiss your feelings and your discomfort... from what you say it does not sound , if it were depression, as a particularly bad case. You are functional, you have a good job, you have a few friends, you care about your mom and sister, - most of all , you care about your love life,i.e. about getting one by overcoming your blocks, - men and boyfriends and romance are the very last worry in the life of clinically depressed people, they have trouble enough gathering their energies to get out of bed in the morning and brushing their teeth !- In a way, worrying about romance is a luxury for semi-healthy people :) . My point is that, even if a medical professional should choose to give a specific name to your current mental state , who ever told you that you could not get over your issues, and in a short time too ? Who told you that it would be so hard and difficult and time consuming ? Modern psichiatry is much more oriented to short- term therapy too, they can , not make all your problems go away with a touch of their magic wand, this they can't do it, but in many , many case they can teach you the tools to deal with your problems in a different, proactive, self-empowering way in 10 to 20 sessions. The long hours spent , year after year, on a psychoanalist'couch, rehashing that time when you were 3 y.o. and Aunt Myrtle waved her finger at you saying " Bad, bad girl ! " ... are by now more a literary and movie cliche' than the real thing. In most cases , the approach to therapy is different, solution oriented. Some people can afford and LIKE to spend 4 hours a week on the shrink's couch, a la Woody Allen, dissecting what they dreamt last night ... but many , many people now won't do that anymore- and therapy adjusted, sort of re-invented itself and came out with new , more effective methods.
Of course I don't know IF you have a mental health problem , which one and how serious.... but, all in all, I think chances are that taking steps toward your healing would be nowhere to the major production you are making it in your imagination.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2020): Any diagnosis of your mental-health has to be made after an evaluation done by a qualified mental-health professional. You should look for a well-qualified psychiatrist; who can do a medical-analysis, determine if there is in-fact a mental-health issue or disorder; then decide what treatment or therapies will be beneficial for your mental-health. Psychiatrists are medical doctors; and they can write prescriptions. They can conduct many different types of therapies; like talk therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and other forms of treatment. Avoid doctors too quick to dope you up on medication.
You can see a psychologist; if you'd like talk therapy. They cannot write prescriptions. Psychologists are not medical doctors.
It would not be appropriate for us to practice medical diagnosis here. We only give advice.
It would be safe to give our observations and opinions based on what you've shared. It is abundantly clear you don't trust men. You've had nothing but the worst experiences throughout your childhood and teens. Your mother didn't consider how her choices affected you and your sister. She needed professional-help and counseling; but she never sought any. Her series of bad-choices and traumatizing-situations have seriously affected how you relate to men, and interact with people in-general. You've figured that much out on your own.
"Feeling numb" is what you've had to do all your life. You had to shut-down, shut-out, and isolate from people; to avoid dealing with all the emotional-trauma or harm you fear they will cause you, if they get too close. You've developed a bitterness and loss of faith that people can be good, and you can feel safe around them. You won't allow yourself to trust anyone; because all your life you've seen dysfunction; and not given much of an example of what a healthy relationship looks like.
Most unfortunately, you have seen only the worst in men; and getting too close to them triggers fear. Being numb and unresponsive, keeps them at a safe distance; so you won't grow any attachment. Your only use for them is to keep you company when you're lonely; but that soon wears-off. You are doing your best not to become your mother. Once they leave, then you can lower your shields; that's when you realize that you were being too defensive of your feelings to allow yourself the pleasure of exchanging affection. You are capable of loving someone. Only you fear it will be wasted, or a disaster; because he'll only prove to be a disappointment.
You are terrified of growing emotionally-attached to the men in your life; because you believe sooner or later you'll see the devils your mother always seemed to find, in almost every man she ever knew.
You're not numb, it's your indifference being used as a defense-mechanism. You shut people out; so they won't hurt you. You probably have constant flashbacks of those beatings and scary situations that were ever-present in your childhood and teenage years. You don't just forget what you've described. It seems you've spent your whole life fighting to keep you and your sister safe. Watching men treat your mother terribly.
You should see a psychiatrist to determine if you suffer clinical-depression and/or PTSD. Even a laymen could safely guess you suffer PTSD! The sooner you seek professional-help, the faster you'll address your issues to determine what they might be; and then pursue the needed therapy and treatment to help you deal with whatever it is.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 October 2020):
 I think you have walls a mile high and a mile thick and you feel "safe" within them, thus never really let people in.
From what you grew up with I don't find that so strange. I think it's a sounds survival strategy. But long term or if you really would like a healthy relationship, you know you have to work through your issues and find a way to open up.
I know you say you don't THINK you could open to a therapist, but you did open to a "room full of strangers" on the internet, so maybe you ARE ready to work through you past.
However, I would probably suggest you find a place to live and if you can have your younger sister move with you, your mom's place is NOT a safe environment, and she is more focused on holding on to this BF than protect you, your sister and herself. She probably don't know how.
Even if it means she will STRUGGLE financially without you there, YOU need to be in a place where you feel safe. A HOME should be a safe place to be. And I wouldn't leave your sister there. You mom is an adult. She needs to figure out how to GET on her feet without having to rely on her ADULT child financially.
So for me, moving out, creating a safe HOME would be step #1. THEN I would seek therapy. You say you fear you don't have to motivation, but what else can you do if you WANT to move forward?
There are a couple of choices.
#1 Stay with your mom and make it worse.
#2 Move out, feel safer. But stay numb.
#3 Move out, feel safer and SEEK help. And begin to live a life you want.
If you mom has an issue with you taking your sister out of the situation, I'd tell her that you will involve Child protective services or the police. Because she is NOT doing her job as a mom keeping your sister safe.
There is no magical fix. Just a LOT of hard work and hard choices.
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