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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I need to end my marriage. But I do not know if I have the strength to move on. My husband has cheated on me 3 years before we got married. We were technically on a break but still had sex so I forgave him. He is the only man I have ever been with and given him over 11 years of my time. When we got married, I found out he cheated on me again with the same woman some time last year after 4 years of marriage. The woman got pregnant and I believe she says he is the father of her child...he denies that she ever claimed that he is the father of her baby. I found out about his infidelity just one month prior to her having her child. When I found out about his betrayal, I just started another job and I found it hard to deal with a divorce at that time and also, to find the strength to let go. I know that is stupid of me...right now I am hurting and trying to be strong as we too have children together. How do I move on? I feel so stupid and ashamed. He makes me feel less than a woman since it seems he can't let her go. Please tell me, how do I just let go.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2019): Thank you all for those kind words of encouragement. Yesterday I really made up my mind to end my marriage. I felt like I have had enough and at first I was really calm when I noticed my husband could very much be in a sexual relationship with this woman. I started getting suspicions about a little over a month ago. And just yesterday it was on my mind.He owns a small restaurant. I sat there waiting to speak with him as he was tending to his last customers who were about to leave. While sitting there, his mistress showed up apparently wanting to talk to him as well. We both sat really quietly not saying anything to each other at all. He seemed to be calm, smiling and chatting with his customers. Then as they left, he walked outside. I went after him to talk to him but he became very defensive saying that we (his mistress and I) are both looking to cause conflict.Since she had her baby, she sent me very disrespectful messages but my husband defended me and told her what they had was a mistake and that he loves me. When she messaged me, I just blocked her; so I really was not looking to have any conversation with her because she really belittled me in her messages. But the way my husband reacted getting up and walking out of the place confirmed my suspicions...they definitely had to be still in a sexual relationship. After she saw both me and him talking outside, she decided to come as well and he angrily told her he is coming to talk to her just now. She just kept coming towards him and he started to talk to her like he doesn't want to hear anything she has to say. They started arguing and he decided to walk away from her and go inside of his place...then he said you see you two, do not have anything to tell me! I mean, this man's actions simply showed he did not want to be questioned by the both of us... huge CHEATER alert was blinking over his head. I had loved this man for so many years. I have practically been in a relationship with him throughout my adult years. Last year not to long after her cheated, he started drinking...he was never an alcoholic. So when he started that habit, I felt like something was wrong. I was not sure about him cheating until I saw a message about the woman talking about her pregnancy this year. And after questioning him, he admitted to his infidelity last year. His drinking last year got so bad that I knew something had to trigger that type of behavior from him. When he admitted that he cheated, he begged me to not give up on him. But it is like he has no remorse for what he did since he shows lack of inconsideration and lack of interest in earning back my trust. I have been through hell and high waters with this man. I do not think he was ready to get married, Although he is 12 years older than me. I just wish I could just get over him really fast. But I feel like it would be so hard on me being a single parent. I feel scared. There are so many other men interested in me and I never gave them the time of day. I just want to find myself back. I just do not want to talk to anyone. As for having friends, those people I call my friends are so busy they could care less about me. My parents, hmm...I just feel like they would try to talk me out of having a divorce as they do not believe in divorce due to religious reasons. My father is a minister in church and I spoke to them about getting a divorce sometime ago and my mother somewhat gets how I feel and indicated to my dad that some people are not going to put up with other people's inconsiderate behaviors but at the same time it is like she is studying what the church would say about my father. I got pregnant before I got married and now I am going to go through a divorce...that is what she mentioned to me around the time I found out about my husband's infidelity. My husband never came home last night. He stayed by his mother. Today he wants to talk to me like nothing ever happened. It is a pattern that I encouraged so I know he feels that we would get back together. I didn't get to talk much to him as he was tending to customers but I indicated that I do not want him home again. I need to move on this time. I find I am too forgiving. I was sexually abused as a child and after I forgave my cousins who molested me, I find myself too soft and always willing to forgave anyone especially that bastard of a husband I have. I need to let go...he is not going to stop messing around with that woman. I just know it. So I am going to let go before I get an STD. I still consider myself young...but if I want to move on sometime in life with another guy, I can't even give him any children. My tubes are tied...whilst my husband is free to spread his seed. Sigh...it hurts yes. I am going to take heed to all of your advice. I pray that God gives me the strength to overcome this period of my life and I hope that my eldest son would also find strength in this time...I know it is going to hurt him deeply. Please pray for us.
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (28 August 2019):
 OP, I am going to reiterate what the other aunts have already said. Do not belittle yourself and put discouraging thoughts in your head. You loved your husband and you trusted him. That doesn't make you stupid. A good relationship should always be built on trust. He sadly wasn't thinking along the same lines and you and broke your trust. THIS ISN'T YOUR FAULT.
Darling, believe me, you do have the strength to do whatever changes need to be made. I promise you this. You only have to believe in yourself.
I know this because I have been where you are and I too didn't think I would be able to walk away from a 16 year marriage. I had 2 children, a great job, a nice home, nice cars. He was an alcoholic and refused to get help. Things just kept getting worse. I was scared out of my mind and already felt insecure because it was my 2nd marriage. I didn't want to be a failure. My husband had lied, cheated and then verbally abused me because he was drinking. I just couldn't take it anymore and didn't want my children to continue to witness what he had become.
If I did, so can you. I never considered myself strong but I managed to survive and made a whole new life for myself and my children. Draw your inner strength, turn to family, friends, if you are religious then seek out guidance. Go to an attorney, the first visit is usually free, see where you stand and then plan. Don't live and be miserable. Prepare yourself and trust yourself.
Good luck darling. I promise you can get through this. Let us know how you are.
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A
male
reader, Indiglorex +, writes (28 August 2019):
Nothing to feel ashamed about. This is entirely his fault. My mom forgave my dad for cheating on her once, but when he did it again she kicked him out of the house and divorced him immediately. I was cheated on as well in my first relationship in college and although I forgave her and kept going out with her, the trust never returned. I eventually went through a long and painful break up that to this day has repercussions on my relationships. In short, I've been through cheating situations before and you did not do anything wrong, you tried to work it out and gave him a chance. He went ahead and did the same thing again. You owe it to yourself and to your kids to move on. He wont stop hurting you. I wish you all the best and I sincerely hope you find a way to work through this!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (28 August 2019):
 There is nothing stupid or shameful about discovering you have a spouse who cheats on you. HE is the one who should hang his head in shame for putting what is in his trousers before his marriage, his wife and his children.
You don't mention what your husband says about his infidelity. Is he even sorry? Does he want to work on your marriage? Whether the mistress's child is his is neither here nor there in the grander scheme of things. The fact remains, he CHEATED on you.
If you are certain you want to end this marriage, I would advise taking legal advice to find out the best way to ensure stability for you and your children. You don't need to share this information with your husband until you are ready.
Do you have friends and/or family who can give you support and help if/when you were to leave? This is the time to lean on them and allow them to help you.
Perhaps you could also go for counselling (on your own is fine) to get advice on how to get through this time? This will help you make a clean break and do it in the least traumatic way possible, for you AND for your children.
I can totally understand your fear of taking this leap into the unknown, given that you have spent most of your adult life with this man. It will not be easy. You will have moments when you will doubt whether you are doing the right thing. That is why you need to decide, at your own pace, WHAT is the right thing to do and then, calmly and methodically, do it.
I am so sorry you are being put through this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2019): First-off, there is no need of shame, and you are not stupid. No, you can't be strong; if you're self-demeaning and beating yourself up. You haven't done anything wrong; so calling yourself names and believing you're too weak to handle this will certainly become true. How? By sheer self-fulfilling prophecy! Tell yourself something enough, and you'll believe it.
It's not just what other people say and do that hurts us. What we say and think of ourselves can discourage us; and deplete us of our strength and power. Empower yourself through positive-affirmations. "I can handle this!" Don't give-in to weakness! Fight it with all you've got! You've been a good wife and mother, and you've got that as your foundation and to your credit. Nobody's perfect, you've made mistakes. Learn from them.
You don't have to rush into anything; but you must first get your state-of-mind in order. Remember this, before doing anything rash, or pursuing any drastic-measures. Carefully plan your strategy! Seek legal-advice. The welfare, financial-security, and well-being of your children comes first. Like I have to tell you what you already know! I'm simply being the voice of reason; while your emotions are all over the place, and your life seems in chaos. It's not, you're just in a state of anguish, disappointment, and heartbreak. That's a heavy burden on the mind.
Don't succumb to panic. Fear is the enemy because it paralyzes you. It makes you afraid and dreadful of things that are only imagined and haven't even happened. You worry about the "what-ifs!" You have strength you haven't even tapped into yet. I.e., let somebody do something to one of your babies. You'd rip the head off a bear! You'd forget your human-limitations! Well, that same hidden-strength and fortitude is dormant inside of you.
Your negative-emotions can drain a lot of energy; while your fears can confuse and disorient you. Get your emotions and fear under control; so you can think more clearly. Concentrate on your kids, and what you have to do as a mother to see that they survive whatever comes your way. You'll do fine.
Visit a place of worship, or your usual place of worship, and seek some spiritual-enlightenment. Seek spiritual-counseling from your religious leader. If you don't have one, seek the recommendation of a friend or relative. Pray! The spirit and the soul need comfort and re-energizing just like the mind and body. Then find yourself a licensed professional-counselor or therapist, to help you deal/cope with your emotional-trauma. You need somewhere and someone to vent; and to voice your feelings or frustrations out-loud. You need to attend to your mental-health.
Make an appointment for a full medical-examination. You need to address and treat whatever maladies that may be attributed to stress. Before going to work each day, make positive verbal-affirmations to yourself! "I'll get through this day for my kids and for myself!" You have the strength, and you can do this! It won't be a piece of cake; but in adult-life, nothing is easy-peasy. It takes good judgement, logic, and courage to survive.
Contact a divorce-attorney, get a consultation first. Be mindful of upfront legal-fees and/or retainer-fees. If you are financially-strapped, seek an attorney who might offer pro bono services. The attorney can seek his/her legal-fees as part of the divorce-settlement from your husband. Just allow yourself to settle-down. This has all happened before to other people. By the evidence seen around you; other women have survived this, and came out of it just fine. It depends on your determination and choice to survive.
Stay level-headed. Don't delude yourself. It will be painful at times. It will drain you both physically and emotionally. You have the support of your family, the love of your kids, your friends, and God is on your side. Just ask Him to give you strength. All you need to do is ask, it doesn't matter if you've never believed; or have given-up on Him. He's always there waiting to be asked. I promise you.
No matter what you think at the moment. The strength is within you. You love your children, they love you, and you should also love yourself. There are tough battles we all will be up against throughout a lifetime. We must hone our survival-skills, and stand-up against whatever challenges that come our way. "Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!"
If others can survive it; so can you, my dear! How did you come this far without losing your mind? Divorce is uncharted territory for you; so it is only natural to have some trepidation. It's also frightening to suddenly see yourself out and alone; but you weren't always with your husband. Were you? You were single before, and you dealt with life as it came at you.
You can do this! Don't rush into anything. Prepare yourself both mentally and physically. Seek strength and inspiration from your little ones. They love you unconditionally. As do your parents, other family-members, your friends, and God above. You're not facing this alone. You have love all around you. You just can't see it through the pain and confusion at the moment.
May God guide and be with you. May you find comfort and strength from every direction. Bless you, my dear!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2019): There is NOTHING to be ashamed of. He cheated on you and not vice versa.Focus on practical steps and do not overthink things.Make sure that he has no access to you money. Consult a lawyer. He/she will explain what steps to take. I can't imagine how hard it is, but try not to dwell on the past and focus on your future. Surround yourself with supportive people - only the ones you can really trust.You and your children will need all the help you can get.Try not to engage in confrontations and fights. What is done is done. There is no point in arguing about it. That is why you need to focus on practical side of things. There is nothing he can say that will make sense. What he did is wrong and he knows it. And you know that he will do it again and again.I don't know how old your children are, but they should be kept out of it. If they are old enough to understand why you are getting a divorce, fine, but do not use them against each other.I don't know what is your arrangement, buy ideally you should stay in your home with kids and he should leave. After all he has a place to go. Ask a lawyer ho to go about this. If you can afford to, why not see a therapist? It can be extremely helpful in this situation. I do't know if what he did when you were on a break can be considered as cheating, but what is important is that he did it with the same woman. Obviously there is something there and he kept you in the dark.This too shall pass. You will see after a while how good it was to get rid of someone you cannot trust.
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