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age
30-35,
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writes: How to get over being a virgin? I'm turning 23 and no matter what I've tried it hasnt worked out. I've dated a couple girls in high school but we were "too young" to have sex according to the girls. We loved each other when we were dating but we were only 16 and never got past third base. I've only kissed 4 girls my whole life. My birthday is in April to turn 23 and I have this terrible notion I'm going to be a loser because of it. I get irritated very often now, and have low self-esteem as a result of never having a girl want to have sex with me. Therapy has only made me identify issues of low self esteem comes from(which I know) but hasn't told me how to have sex or get girls/women into me. I've posted before and you'd think with the number of friends I have, girls I know, future job I have, personality people say they like, looks I've tried to get I would have lost it sooner. I think its a special case that if I lost my virginity tomorrow, I'd have a surge of confidence and be able to charm and find girls I want to date and like myself. This issue is so huge in my head and I want it to end. It's getting late for me , I'm not going to land a beautiful girl who likes me for me being a virgin. What do I do to speed the process up?I've tried mobile dating apps, being ok with being alone forever, trying new hobbies, improving myself, lifting weights/losing fat. Everything I can think of. There's no way for me to like the way I am until I have a satisfying sex life.
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confidence, lost my virginity, self esteem, sex life, third base Reply to this Question
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female
reader, worriedgirl2012  +, writes (2 March 2016):
You're not going to have a good sex life until you like who you are though...
I didn't lose mine until I was 22 By the way. I still have a good deal of friends that are virgins.
Many girls will even like that you're a virgin. Plus you know you don't have an STD!
I would caution you to meet a nice girl and take time to build a relationship. Random sex is never good and PLEASE don't date someone just to try to lose your virginity to them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2016): I'm 25 and experienced and my boyfriend is 26 and was a virgin. I took his virginity at 26. Virginity is NOT a big deal. He has so much more to offer - he's incredibly caring and thoughtful, intelligent, so much fun, a wonderful conversationalist, and has a great career. We have the same interests and are compatible personality wise. Virginity didn't matter at all. He was confident regardless. Ask yourself - what do YOU have to offer? Instead of focusing on sex, try going out to events and meeting people. Try meetup.com. You'll meet new friends and maybe a potential girlfriend. Focus on improving yourself (in ways other than sex if coursr) and when the right girl comes along you'll be that much more attractive and experienced in LIFE. We women find CONFIDENCE attractive. Your whining is NOT attractive.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2016): I do love medicine. Its nothing to do with being forced on that path. Helping people gives me a satisfaction of belonging and doing good in the world. I also love soccer. I think I'd win many hearts if more women watched me play. It's where I feel the most free.I tried letting go today and it felt good. Transiently, I felt lighter. My friend talked to me about letting it go and to stop punishing myself.Most of my friends at school are female, my male friends are at other schools. My female friends do believe I need/want a girlfriend and lie to myself about wanting to just have sex to seem cool. I agree. My worry is if I let go completely I'd never find someone, have sex, find affection, find love. Have a good sex life, be wanted for me. Things most people want. I fear being alone. Fixating on it made me think I was trying to solve it. Its a terrible cycle. If I break it, which I am trying, I want to know it'll be ok.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 March 2016):
 Maverick, I understand why you're saying to just go ahead and get it over with. However, the OP is rather rigid in his thinking and stated this in that other answer I quoted: "Im also incredibly stubborn in my resolve to fix this. I wont use prostitutes and have written off long term relationships until I attract, seduce, have sex with enough women to make me feel desirable."
You want the "how to seduce a woman" playbook? Watch "Crazy, Stupid, Love" for some funny pointers. There are plenty of pick-up artist sites (I assume you've already studied those though).
Go out with your friends, tell them you need to get laid ASAP and to help you out. You don't need to mention you are a virgin.
Appeal to one of your female friends, explain your dilemma and ask her advice.
OP, what's your joy in life? As in, what is your passion? You talk about losing your virginity as this sort of Holy Grail quest but don't mention your love for your chosen profession. Do you really want to be a doctor? Are you happy in that career choice? Are you stuck on some sort of pre-determined life path? If so, who determined it? You? Your parents? Your culture? Your ego?
You get all flighty here, creating accounts, asking lots of questions then you flounce off in a self pity party. You don't present as calm, relaxed and laid back. You present as demanding, unrealistic, stuck in negative thought patterns, stubborn and frankly, entitled.
You have low self esteem issues yet expect things that just aren't handed out like candy to every one. You're kind of your own worst enemy....
Stay in therapy but stop spending so much time thinking thinking thinking analyzing obsessing etc.
I would recommend that you take yourself on a type of Outward Bound program, where you learn to work with others and are disconnected from social media, the internet and connect with nature, your body and yourself in a healthy healing adventurous environment.
You're so desperate to lose your desperation that you become more desperate. It's not a good look. It's a chick repellent. You know this on some level but don't know how to stop.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (29 February 2016):
This is going to be unpopular advice and I'd normally be against it, but go to a prostitute and get it over with. You've made your virginity such a huge thing in your head I wonder what's left of your identity without it.
Because you'll find that after having sex for the first time, you'll still have all the same issues you had before. Except now you can't blame your virginity anymore.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 February 2016):
 So you have sex tonight with what you imagine to be a beautiful woman, then she leaves and all off a sudden you are fixed? You have confidence? You have less chance of dying alone? Do you really believe this to be true?
If you want a girlfriend, then think less off the sex and more of getting to know a girl without thinking of having sex with her, you are 23 you are hardly on your death bed, yet you are talking about dying alone. Nobody wants to be with someone who is down on themselves all the time, having all these negative thoughts will not get you a girl.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2016): "But then, as you pointed out back in November, I'm an older woman, so my opinion is invalid." I'm so sorry about that Tisha-1. I only meant that because I've been called handsome and a catch multiple times by older women either I'm friends with or my parents and it irked me that it never translated with women my own age. Nothing to do with me, all to do with my anger at myself. I'm trying to let it go. Trying to be ok being a virgin forever because apparently you grow special powers as a 30 yr old virgin. As for bitter, well yeah. I don't see how I couldn't be. Not at women. At myself for not having sex yet and entering weird territory(23+)I'll keep trying to do whatever I can to minimize the importance of getting laid, but the fear of dying alone is there. I'll stay in therapy and try to loosen up. In practice, it'll be painful to let it go, but I'll try my best.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 February 2016):
Oh, and CindyCares is quite correct, your approach is topsy turvy. It's kind of like the chicken/egg thing, you know, which came first? You think it's the egg, when in fact, it's the chicken.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 February 2016):
Hi OP, I see you've deleted your account, so all the time the aunts have spent here trying to help has been, well, wasted.
You lost me back in November when you posted this in a followup up to a question:
"I also dont want to date older women so asking their opinions is invalid."
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-desperate-for-women-to-notice-me.html
I'll tell you frankly that I doubt you are much fun to hang out with or to get to know. You sound as though you believe you are entitled to sex, that somehow the women are withholding what is rightly yours.
You lay out all sorts of requirements for the woman you expect will be drawn to your animal magnetism. There's no sense of warmth, no sense of humor evident in your posts. You sound bitter, childish and whiny.
But then, as you pointed out back in November, I'm an older woman, so my opinion is invalid.
Good luck with the self-awareness project. I think you have a ways to go. The anger with your situation saturates your posts. The problem isn't the problem, as Captain Jack Sparrow might say. The problem is your attitude about the problem.
Until that changes, you're going to be riding that little hamster wheel in your brain forever. Step off the wheel, stop overthinking things, grow a sense of humor and humility and continue the therapy. Even though the counselor's opinion is probably, in your mind, invalid.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2016): Yes it was. I want to delete my account here and focus internally and hope it improves my life internally and in terms of dating.
Anymore answers will be appreciated
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (29 February 2016):
Was this post yours as well?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/we-kissed-on-our-last-date-should-i.html
If it was, let me know and I'll try to write a better reply later when I'm not in such a rush
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2016): I don't think you will take any notice of the answers as you have asked this question quite a few times, people give you great advice but then you still ask again.I get it's frustrating when you feel nobody wants to but I think you think way too much about it all.I think one problem may be that you have said you want a beautiful girl, I know you said your friends thought your ex was a 6/7 but it just makes it sound like your friends are overly concerned with appearances. The type of people to mark women are a bit shallow I think.If you want the confidence that sex will bring then there are so many sites on the net that will allow you to do this. You are letting this issue get to you and you are thinking about women to purely boost your ego and get something out of the way to make you feel better. You said if it happened tomorrow you would use it as a way to boost your confidence and then you could and charm other people.You need to forget about this and putting time limits on yourself. Be the happiest person you can be and don't try different things to improve yourself purely to get sex from it at the end.If you have friends, lots of positives and you have had a girlfriend then you can't be that bad! The only problem I can see is that you are slightly desperate about it happening. Stop thinking about it, give yourself like a month or so without this going round in your head and chill out.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 February 2016):
 That poor duck again :). Second time in few weeks. OP, you need to convince the mods that you don't want a new down comforter, you just want to have sex !
Anyway, as you know I have answered your posts various times in the past, I have already given you my advices and now I'll leave to other Aunts and Uncles the pleasure to try their hand at making some headway into your brain :)
I feel though it mat be useful to remark just a couple of things.
- You are taking things from the wrong end. Topsy turvy. You do not suffer from low self esteem because you are not lucky ( or ducky ? ) with the ladies ; you are not lucky with the ladies because you have low self esteem.
Therapy confirmed that you have big self esteem issues ( as you already had thought ) - well, then now work on those issues, work to solve them or at least to manage them. THAT's the point and scope of therapy. You can't really expect the poor therapist to give you a list of pointers to get better game as some self styled "Pick Up Artist ", or to act as your wingman when you go out drinking. Your relational difficulties are a part, or a symptom, of a bigger issue. Tackle the bigger issue and the rest will come consequently.
If you can change first the way you perceive yourself, THEN quite possibly this will make you attractive to women, because self confidence and self acceptance are big aphrodisiacs. Those who feel good into their own skin have Always MUCH better chances to get what they want, should he/she be 5' tall, 250 pounds .. And if it does not " work " ? If they still do not make all the sexual conquest their ego would need to feel validated ?... Well, that's the point. They do not NEED to measure their value by the number and ease of sexual conquests. They can wait for things to develop naturally and harmoniously , without freaking out in the meantime.
- I find interesting that you mention landing " a beautiful girl ".
Why has she got to be beautiful ?
and mind you, I am not telling you that you should be attracted just to their spirit, or that minding the outer appearances is shallow . I happen to be convinced that chemistry is very important, and it generally develops from things and people that also please your senses, eyesight included.
But why your senses can be pleased only by " beautiful " A perfect 10, or 9 at least ?
Are you beautiful too ? Extraordinarily handsome ? I don't think so... I think I remember you described yourself as short, dark, and-not-so-handsome.
So why do you demand something that you can't offer back ? Couldn't you do with " cute ", " pleasant ", " nice looking " or any description other than model quality ? .....
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A
female
reader, Ormskirk360 +, writes (29 February 2016):
 There's no point telling you anything. You consistently ignore/shoot down everything you're told.Since you don't want advice, figure it out yourself and stop whinging.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2016): Sex won't change much in your life. You could pay for sex and I sure that you would have the same issues. You are just focusing on sex because you have normal needs and because it's easy to think that that would be a fix-all.It's not. You'll be stuck with same issues you have now. I think you are looking at it the wrong way. You not having sex is a consequence not a source of your problem(s).You say that you tried everything, but it's not true. You haven't really focused on something else. Your life for instance, as a whole. You being a virgin won't be a problem to any girl that is normal. Although I see that you have some standards (beautiful girl etc.).People sense desperation and it's not sexy. Change your focus. Also, if it's just the sex, girls you could be interested in can sense that and run in the opposite direction - not because you are a virgin - but because it's the only thing you care about.There are plenty of sites where people look just for a hook up. If you think that sex will change your life, then look for somebody who wants just that and get it over with. Don't mix in your head sex with love or relationship.
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