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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Dear cupid, is my ex boyfriend trying to manipulate me? My 3 year relationship ended several months ago. He told me he was no longer happy and that he met another woman and was very sorry for hurting me. Only about 3 weeks after our break up, he started dating that woman. I was obviously very heart broken as he had been talking to her for weeks before our break up and often wonder what exactly may have went on behind my back with them two. I wouldn't say full blown cheating, but something still just doesn't feel right. He swore up and down left and right that he did not leave me for her. But he was hanging out at her work the night before he broke up with me. They became very close very fast. I'm so very angry still. I did not hear from him at all during our break up until a couple days ago. He contacted me. Basically, he wants to become friends as he 'doesn't want to lose me forever' according to him. He says he still thinks about me and misses me, and will always feel guilty for what he did. This doesn't make much sense because he jumped into a relationship with the woman he started an emotional affair with while we were still together. He straight up told me he wanted to be with her as he wasn't happy with us anymore.I told him I did not want to be friends with him because of the hurt he's caused me and that I just want to heal. His answers were "ok fine I won't try and make you stay in my life if you don't want to" and "I guess a horrible guy is what you'll only ever see me as" and that apparently I'm seeing everything in black and white, and it's not as horrible as it all seems. So now it's like it's my fault that we aren't in each other's lives anymore, when HE is the one who wanted to break up and HE is the one who wanted someone else. It's like he doesn't understand where I'm coming from at all. We see this situation in 2 different ways. So he wants me to sit back and watch him be with the woman he left me for? My friend says he wants me to be friends with him so he can feel justified in what he did, and that makes sense. However, a part of me really does think he still cares about me. I also feel like he is manipulating me. I'm just very confused. What do you guys think?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 February 2016):
 Yes he is manipulating you. Follow your gut instinct. He is scared now he has made the wrong choice, and needs you to be there in case things don't go to plan with this woman. Be the stronger person, delete him from all aspects off your life and allow yourself some time to heal away from him. You deserve better than this.
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (29 February 2016):
 Hon,
He just wants you to be his "Plan B"... if the relationship with the woman he left you for [and he did leave you for another woman regardless of what he is saying] he wants good-ole-you to be there.
Actions speak louder than words, and his actions have told you exactly what he is like.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (28 February 2016):
 I second Honeypie.
He wants the best of both worlds, and while he may not be deliberately setting out to hurt you, he is definitely putting his wants over your well being.
He may want to soothe whatever guilt he carries over the break up and/or he wants to continue to enjoy the benefits of having you in his life (even non sexual) without the added responsibilities of being your boyfriend.
In a way, keeping you around, even if only as a friend could be a form of methadone for him. Knowing you're nearby is easier to handle than a sudden and total withdrawal.
Besides, what kind of friendship does he think he's going to have with you? Most likely one he hides from his new girlfriend.
Nope. He's not a friend. He's acting like a cad.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 February 2016):
 He wants a "spare" and that is you. JUST in case this new girl isn't what he was hoping she'd be.
I think for you need to tell him you are not interested in being friends right now. And after that? I'd block his number. (just make sure all is sorted out between you if you shared items etc.)
YOU do NOT owe him to be his "friend". You have to do what's RIGHT for you, not him. He made the choice to leave you for her (or whatever reason he gave you) and you can make the choice to begin healing and moving on, THAT does usually involve not palling around with the ex.
So yes, I'd say he is TRYING to manipulate you into being his "spare". Right now you two can't be "real" friends - as there is still lingering emotions both ways.
There REALLY is no good reason to be "friends" with an ex. (unless you share kids/property).
By trying to be his friend, you are holding yourself back from moving on. HE doesn't care about that, JUST what HE wants.
Think about it.
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