A
female
age
41-50,
*airbrain
writes:I need some advice on how to handle this guilt I'm feeling. I'm overwhelmed with guilt for breaking up my boyfriend's family and hurting his children and ex wife. Our affair was brief, only a little over a weeks time before he stated he couldn't do it anymore and he left home. That was two years ago. My boyfriend told his wife he wasn't happy and left one night and never returned. His family wasn't aware he had left to be another woman so naturally they had all the confidence he would get over it came back. Up until she discovered he was staying with me. It was dramatic and I felt like shit the whole time. But he truely wasn't happy and we really felt perfect for eachother (yeah, I know 'perfect' like stink and shit). But no matter how we feel about eachother we still royally f*cked up by being a couple of lowlive cheats. Well here it is 2 years later and they get both along fine, everything seems to be recovering, his children, their mother included. They are polite to me but I still feel so guilty I can't really even look them in the eye. Their mother still hates me with a passion, understandably so. But everytime we are in any kind of situation where the kids are upset or times are hard for any of them I really just want to take it all back because I blame myself for their troubles. He's broke now, so they are too. Household repairs go unfixed because there is no man of the house there and she;s left to discipline the kids on her own most of the time and they can be terrors and all of it makes me wish I never met him so I wouldn't be able to hurt these people and ruin their lives/family. But the damage is already done. There is no going back. We're commited to eachother now all thats left still staring us in the face is me. My ultimate goal is to receive their forgiveness somesday. Which I have some hope for as she states occasionally that her life is much better now and shes happier than ever. But I have sealed my fate, I'm am just the homewrecker/evil soon to be stepmom. I know it every time I hear them talk to their mom on the phone and every time they call their dad to say they miss him. He isn't so receptive to emotions as most people so he sometimes fails to see the effects of what we did. Although he says I'm just paranoid and they like me fine, I cant belieive that though. My mother did a semi-similar thing and brought a ne3w man into our lives and up until I was finally an adult, I hated him. And that was a gradual, thoughtful proccess and I still hated him. I was shoved down their throats and forced to accept me in a matter of days. I just feel like shit and its taking over my life. He says I'm the only one not over it. But how can I get over? It didn't have to happen that way, we could have done thing with more compassion and less selfishness and the hurt they felt can never be undone. I just wish I wasn't so guilt ridden for this. I can't move on I feel so bad! But please, I am fully aware what we did was wrong and we both made a huge mistake by going about everything the way we did but whats done is done and there is no going back so bashing me for being a homewrecker is only going to make you feel better and not help. So please please no moral lecturing unless that is the only thing Ive got coming. But thank you for any suggestions on how to cope with this guilt and try to make up for the wrongs I've done to these inncocent little kids and his blindsided ex wife. Thanks again and sorry it was so long.
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affair, confidence, ex-wife, move on Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Hairbrain +, writes (10 January 2011):
Hairbrain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionVery observant. You're right. You're so right, you're the Master!
So there it is for you. Lap it up. another term forever burned into my soul...again, thank you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): And LoveGirl says : It is only a pleasure!If it walks like a duck, quack likes a duck, sings like a duck, then it is.....In life we all make choices, with these choices come consequences and with the consequences come our moral fibre. It is so easy to spin and story and lap up the sympathy, but it is our actions that speak louder than words.I can always tell u what u want to hear but it will mean that I am no better. Sorry u took offense to my words. But if it made u think or even re evaluate then I think it was worth it. I am glad from all the responses you took exception to my post. It means that I struck a cord and it means that my words are imprinted in your mind. You may pretend and you may feel that I was harsh but I know my words and my message to you hit home. U will never forget it and you will always, always be aware of my advice. And that is a good thing.Take care OPLoveGirl
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A
female
reader, Hairbrain +, writes (13 December 2010):
Hairbrain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses everyone, even you "love girl".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): you need to stop beating yourself up about this. You did not put a gun to his head and force him to leave his wife, he willingly did it. He made the choice. His marriage must have not been all that good if he willingly left it. He could have chosen to stay with his wife over you, but he didn't. That was HIS choice. If you hadn't come along, he would probably have left her eventually when someone else came along.
If their marriage was so weak that he left her, that is something bigger than you and something that preceded you.
This situation is better than if you and him had continued an affair while he remained married, which is what a lot of people do when they hate their marriage, want to be with someone else yet are too chicken to leave the marriage for fear of situations like what you are going through now. at least your situation is now an honest one.
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A
female
reader, Cheeks +, writes (18 November 2010):
 Hey dont let the moral hostility get you down. Make it worth the sacrifice for someone and just live the rest of your life in a way you can be proud of. Stop focusing on negative things. Aim for neutral, not loved start small so you arent setting yourself up for rejection. If you two arent proud of what you did I say thats way better than you two parading eachother around askng everyone whats wrong? Extraordinary circumstances lead to your involvement I would say. Sure a mark of shame but not a noose and it doesnt condemn you for life as long as you've learned from it. Beside, if it weren't meant to be if wouldn't be. Just be real to them and be real to yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): Then Hairbrain if you are indeed wrecked with so called guilt u need to do something about it.
You are slowly wasting away. Can this man not see the errors of his way?
When everything is said and done are u not afraid that he will destroy you as well. 2 yrs is still the honeymoon phase, what happens when he becomes bored with u. Does he throw u away like yesterdays garbage, just as he did his wife?
I think u are slowly seeping into a self made depression, knowing the effects of the adultery made you a person u cannot identify with. Have u considered leaving him to get your own life on track again. U cannot rely on him to make your conscious clear. You need soul searching, honesty and you need to make amends for yourself. You have created this hell u are now living, whether u deserve it, only u can tell.
The only person who benefited from this sordid affair was this married man.
Your story is an eye opener for other women who has contemplated / who have become so called homewreckers and the aftermath, once the sex is settled, shows that there is no rainbow after the storm. You are extremely unhappy and your lover cannot see it. I suggest counselling and the sooner the better. One good thing has come from this: you acknowledge your wrongdoing and if faced with another affair I think u will steer clear from married men .
So the question is : was this married man worth your soul?
What a price you paid!!!!!
Please see the services of a counsellor.
LoveGirl
In the end you lost your self respect, have emotional issues and you basically lost YOU.
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A
female
reader, Hairbrain +, writes (16 November 2010):
Hairbrain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe hasn't abandoned his children. They live in the next town over so it's not practical to run over there anytime she needs help discipling the kids. He's always been a very busy man and honestly, he feels like he spends more time with them now then before he left home. At least more quality time than before. But moving out and the cost of another household/ the bad economy has put a major strain on his finances, she doesn't work so they've suffered. I keep our cost of living to a minimum so they can be taken care of. They share responsibility for the kids pretty equally and she doesn't complain. And if I thought for a minute that they would reconcile, I would humbly walk away. I told him from day one that if he wants to return to his family he doesnt have to worry about hurting me. They rightfully "own" him, not I. But I think if he ever considered it, she must have shut him down. I dont blame her, he hurt her pretty badly. But life without him was never something she was afraid to do. So sending him home is only a thought in mine and the kids heads. They just don't want to go there again. But if I hadn't came along, then they would likely still be together and the kids would never had to feel the pain of seeing their father and mother apart. It's hurting and confusing the kids I hate myself for the most. And I guess I'm also scared of how they'll treat me in the future when they are older. I hope you understand that as far as divorces go, they had a pretty amicable one. I just lost so much respect for myself and I wanted some suggestions on how to make the most of the mess we'v created and stop dwelling on the fact I took part in something so heartless. But when I wrote this I told myself that a negative response is inevitable so take my lumps as they come. And believe me, sending him home is on my mind everyday, it's just not going to happen, he says he made the right choice even if I think otherwise. But thank you anyhow.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): Its a pity Hairbrain that my first response was blocked. Perhaps my words were too harsh and it would have upset you. What I need to say is this: only your actions can rectify your wrongdoing.
If you are so guilt ridden have you not considered sending this man back to his wife and kids. After all they are really suffering with their parents being torn apart.
Why is your lover not more of a father to his kids? He may have abandoned his wife for you but did he have to throw away his kids as well. Why is he not helping his wife to co parent. He threw away his wife but why is he absconding as a father? The vital question is: why are u not being more proactive in making him a better father and better ex? Is he divorced from his wife?
Being with you is one thing, deserting his family obligations is another. Perhaps u can make him to change and become a better person.
It is sad that my post was blocked, it was an eye opener and it was harsh but it was a reality.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, Hairbrain +, writes (15 November 2010):
Hairbrain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the responses. I know it's fruitless to dwell on what I could have done differntly but I guess thats just my nature. I live in a aura of shame and what if's. But that apparently can be overcome. Thank you for responding everyone. Jmtmj, you seem to be a very respectable fellow and I greatly appreciate your response as I admire your honesty and judgement you give to this site. Keep it up guys and thanks again.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (15 November 2010):
 While I can't really relate to your situation, I will point out what struck me whilst reading this...
Normally I don't look highly upon cheaters, let alone sympathize with them. But you sound to me like a good and normally very morale person. You are genuinely remorseful and if you could go back and change the way you both went about getting together that you'd do it in a heart beat. You make no excuses for yourself, you admit you did a bad thing and you've no doubt learned a lot from the whole experience.
I realize that its much harder on you as you've seen the effect you've had on this family, but you really need to stop beating yourself up about this. He wasn't happy with his wife, that much is clear and if he didn't leave her for you- chances are he would have left her eventually anyways.
All I can suggest is that you try not to see this family breakdown as directly your fault and realize that you may not get the families forgiveness. You made a mistake, you're human, you shouldn't have to pay for this for the rest of your life- as lets face it... it took more than a weeks time for their marriage to breakdown. From the wife's perspective, its much easier to have a scape goat and blame you for him leaving than her to accept any shortcomings or realize what she could have done to not let the marriage become that fragile in the first place.
For what its worth, I feel for ya.
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A
male
reader, smile(: +, writes (15 November 2010):
Like you said, you will never be able to undo what you happened. Make the best of the situation, and accept that more cannot be expected of you than your best.
It is a delicate situation in may ways. If you want forgiveness, the best way I would say is to try to unify the family. Your husband's kids need a father. You love him, can you love his children? Perhaps you can help with children. Instead of losing a father, perhaps you can make it so they gained another mother. Family can be defined as whatever is needed. They are treat you acceptably, it sounds like this is a possibility; is there a way it could be made workable?
You will feel less guilty if you are doing something about it. It will also help you get your self-respect back. If they come to love you, they will forgive you.
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A
female
reader, mod_gurl +, writes (15 November 2010):
My best advice would be to learn to forgive yourself. You've said your sorries and tried to make up for it. That's the most you can do. How other people feel about you is up to them. All you can do is control your own emotions and actions. Life's not fair, but that's life. Yes, the children and ex are caught in the middle and hate you for it, but treat them as a decent human being. Like you said it's a long process. Hold your head up high. Just because you made one mistake doesn't give them the right to hang you with it as long as you learn from it. Besides it take two to tango and there's usually more to the situation that what's first being seen. Never ever say your fate is sealed. As long as you think that, there's no hope for the future. Life is ever changing, so who knows? Now the question is, is your man giving you the emotional support you need?
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