A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been going out with my girlfriend for about a year, and we've been discussing marriage. I recently found out that my girlfriend is very worried that one or more of her former friends (my girfriend had a falling out with a couple of her friends awhile back, but these former friends are still in our social circle) will tell me something about my girlfriend's past that will bother me. But, I don't know what this "something" is. My impression is that my girfriend has some skeletons in her closet that she'd rather I not know about.I can ask one of my girfriend's former friends and get all the "dirt" on my girlfriend's past, but I'm afraid of what I'll find out. However, the fact that my girfriend is so worried about this makes me wonder what in the world she is hiding. I had thought she had told me everything of significance in her past. If we do get married, and if she does have some skeletons in her closet, it's almost inevitable that I'll find out about it at some point. If there is something really shocking in her past, I'd rather know about it now. I've been trying to convince myself that the past is the past and put this out of my mind, but it's driving me crazy not knowing what the big secret is.Should I just sit on this, or should I talk to one of her former friends and find out what the big secret is? (If need be, I'm pretty sure I could verify any stories with others just to make sure my girfriend's former friends aren't telling me stories just out of spite)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): "it cant affect your relationship if it hasn't already because you both have that right - just dont ask her about it or let it bug you too much it wont work otherwise x"
I wish this were true but it is not. Lots of times these long-buried things turn up years later. Even if nobody finds out something they aren't supposed to, there can be psychological issues that linger for years and may change a person for life. Usually the same person who is so insistent that their past "doesn't affect the future" is also ready to give a long list of reasons why they aren't that person anymore and don't want to think about it. This is exactly the kind of things that put people in therapy.
The STI risk is another whole subject. Lots of things don't show up on tests and they can pop up years later.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): Well, this is a difficult situation to be in because she is "afraid" that you will find things out.How bad could they be?Well, they could be very bad, and she could be very ashamed of them, and she might think that they would be "deal breakers" for your relationship.If she does, then the best thing to do is get them out of the way now, before it goes any further. Why? Lots of reasons, a couple below.--Because she might not have to worry, and may be worried needlessly. Removing that worry can improve the intimacy of the relationship.--Because you might find things out that would lead you to end the relationship. Ending it before marriage is always preferable to ending it after marriage.--Because you may find that things are worrisome enough that lengthy and involved premarital counseling is useful for both of you, in helping you both deal with the past.I'm not in agreement with everything on the following website, but you might find it helpful and some of the questionnaires might be useful for you and your friend to have for discussion. They are at the left hand side.http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4500_resource.html
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): Everybody has skeletons in their closets and its their choice if they want to clean them out, no matter how long or how close together you are she dont have to tell you - its her privacy if she has and it cant affect your relationship if it hasn't already because you both have that right - just dont ask her about it or let it bug you too much it wont work otherwise x
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A
female
reader, Viv Acious  +, writes (14 November 2010):
Hello.
1. Who told you she was scared of you finding something out? Because all they have done is really, really wound you up.
2. I would sit on it or just approach her directly. Don't go behind her back. Isn't rumour and gossip-mongering powerful stuff? It has really gotten to you.
Honestly what could be so bad? She still has friends so let's take gun running, blackmail, theft, arson, trafficking drugs, assassination and buying a Britney Spears album out of the equation.
Just ask her and ask her with a smile...
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 November 2010):
 How did you come to know about her secret? It's a bad idea to talk to her friend because you are intruding on her privacy, and any means of mending their relationship would be destroyed, all because of you. I strongly believe that there are things that can't be shared among couples. I wouldn't talk to her friend, but I would ask her to have a complete health check. Can you accept a woman with herpes? Hepatitis? Any blood problems? Whether she did threesomes, the number of men she had should not matter. The important thing is that she is a mentally, spiritually, physically healthy woman, open to giving and receiving love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): Don't approach her friends, would it really be worth going behind her back like that for something that might not be as bad as she thinks it is? You know how that would make her feel.
Look we all have a past and we all have a right to privacy too. She doesn't have to tell you every little detail of her past as I'm sure you haven't told her everything either. Come on now be honest with yourself, there are things and thoughts you have or had that you will never reveal to anyone, we all do.
Do you trust her? Do you trust her reasons for not telling you?
The biggest question of all is, why are you questioning her judgment in this? She knows it would bother you and wants to protect you from that. Is curiosity worth losing what you have with her?
She is worried that you'll find out, so how would she feel if you actually went out of your way and made a concerted effort to find out? Yeah, it would be a big betrayal of her trust and her right to privacy.
I know you're dying to know now you know there is something. It's like being told you're getting a surprize gift, you just can't help but be curious as to what it is. But this hers, she has made her feelings clear, it is up to you to either respect those feelings because if you can't then you might lose her over some menial thing that she thought might bother you.
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A
female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (14 November 2010):
I would talk to your girlfriend about this. Tell her that the fact that she is so afraid that you will find out about her past is making you worry about what it is that you don't know. That it's probably worse than actually knowing the truth. Ask her to trust you enough to tell you and that you will try your best not to judge her or get upset about it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): I'd find out man. If she is hiding things from you, you shouldn't be thinking of getting married. You still need to get to know her. If she is comfortable enough to sleep with you and talk about marriage she should be comfortable with being honest and not hiding big things from you, right? I was in a weird situation like that too, no marriage talk. But secrets hurt, and create so many problems because you will drive yourself mental waiting for her to tell you, and wondering what they are. I was at the point where I was having minor anxiety attacks over the secrets.
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