A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice, When I was 13 I met a man who was almost 60, and we struck up a bizarre friendship. He understood me and advised me as I was having a lot of personal problems. He took care of me, he gave me lifts places, he listened to me, and i was always welcome just to hide round at his when things at home got too much. He would come and collect me at 3am when i was drunk and sleeping in a door way, so that my parents didn't yell at me. However, he also sexually abused me. He kept telling me he was in love with me, and he wasn't violent. He controlled my thoughts so much that I didn't even try to fight back. I cried because it hurt, but I believed it was normal, and that was what i had to do in order for him to be nice to me. He sometimes was really horrible, and forced dog biscuits inside my vagina then made me sit on the floor and eat them. But other times he just wanted to cuddle me and make me feel better. This went on for about 5 years, during which time I began to drink more and became severely anorexic. I eventually broke away and went to University and we lost contact. I did report it to the police, but they said there was not enough evidence because I reported it too long after it was over. The problem comes now, 3/4 years on, I really miss him. I miss having someone to talk to, I miss how well he knew me and understood me. I have severe depression, and whenever I was upset or had problems he was always the one I ran to. He knows me so well i never had to pretend to be anything i wasn't, i never had to smile when i wanted to cry, and whenever I fell down and couldnt get back up, he would drag me back up. I'm finding it difficult, and I can't stop thinking about him. I eventually got his phone number and rang him, and he was so happy to hear from me. He asked all about how I was doing, and how he was so pleased I had phoned. He told me how sorry he was, and that he has stopped drinking and smoking, and he recently got waxed from head to toe for charity. He says he regrets what happened but doesn't regret meeting me because I mean so much to him. We have talked for hours and hours since then, and he refuses to have my phone number because he doesn't want to jeapordise our friendship by putting pressure on me, if i want to talk to him it should be on my terms, when and how i want to. I know people say that a leapord never changes its spots, but surely people deserve a second chance?At times he was so good to me, and really did save me from myself. he admits he has an unhealthy obsession with women and sex, but that i was the only one who was ever underage. I really want a friendship with him, I miss him so much and he is completely on my wavelength.Any advice would be very welcome.
View related questions:
acne, anorexic, drunk, university, vagina, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (4 May 2010):
 You want to be friends with the man who stuck dog biscuits into you? Then made you eat them? He sounds like a wonderful man... NOT. That's a horrible person you've just described. Seriously. That is not a normal person; he is sick and twisted. He has tried to get you to be sick and twisted too.
Sociopaths can be charming when they are conniving to get what they want. Sounds like this guy has you well and truly fooled. Sorry, but you need to see a professional and get this sorted out because you are suffering from distorted thinking.
No more contact with him until you've been evaluated and treated by a professional. That's the best advice I can give you, not being one.
Good luck and please seek help.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 May 2010):
 Should I just ignore the nice things he did and treat him as though he is all bad?
No, you should just IGNORE him. PERIOD. He is not a good person, he is not good for you. I hope you will seek some counseling and learn to respect yourself a LOT more them you do now. You are worth so much more. You deserve people to treat you nice ALL the time, not just when they want something from you.
*hugs*
PLEASE talk to someone professional about it. Be it your school counselor or a abuse hotline! PLEASE.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2010): Everything he did to you was BAD. Stay away, from him and find support else where. The person you think is your friend is nothing of the sort.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 May 2010):
 Yes! Yes ! Yes ! What he has done- it WAS all bad. No amount of niceties and compliments will ever make up for what he has done to you. It was BAD.
Don't feel you are on your own. Go talk to your doctor. Go talk to your priest ( or the reprentative of your religion anyway ). Look for a free self help group. Call the Samaritans helpline, or some other help line for victims of abuse. There are resorces. You are not alone.
...............................
A
female
reader, togtog +, writes (1 May 2010):
It sounds as though you are trying to deal with this all on your own? That the reason that you are so glad to talk to him is that he seems like a source of support and comfort, which sound as though they are things which are missing in your life?
There are lots of other sources of support out there - don't try to struggle on without help - your GP might be a really good place to start. If you find it difficult to explain face to face with someone what has happened, then you could always print out this post and give it to them?
Don't feel as though you are on your own - there are a lot of people who really would like to help and support you if you give them the chance to.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know why I believe him, but I just do. I know logically I might be putting myself at risk but I don't feel at risk. he makes me laugh and makes me feel better. Days when my depression gets really bad, Id take whatever punishment he could dole out if it meant talking to him just to feel better. Should I just ignore the nice things he did and treat him as though he is all bad? Thank you for taking the time to respond.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2010): You've got a kind of Stockholm syndrome. You need to avoid him - how can you believe a word he says?! If he'd sexually abuse an underage girl at 60 how could you ever believe he is honest!!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): I can easily see why you want to return to contact with him. You need someone to talk to, and he was the person for that back in the day.
Now, contrary to what you may think, there are many out there who understand you better than he does. You should find someone to talk to, but not him. He'll say what you want to hear so he can get what he wants from you, but he wont be there to help you.
It's normal for people to return to traumatic experiences they haven't resolved, but you don't have to do it this way. You can go through your experience with a psychiatrist. Cognitive behavioral therapy probably works for this.
Going to him will probably seem to work at first, until he turns ugly again and pushes the knife into your heart even further.
He's proven he can't be trusted before, you don't need to risk your own well-being for him again.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): I don't have anything to add to what has already been said, except to say: please, please, honey, listen to what CaringGuy has to say. He's very wise.
I also want to reassure you. You will find someone who loves you, and cares for you in that deep way. There are good men out there in the world who are ready to shelter and protect and nurture women without degrading, humiliating or abusing them. But this man is not one of them, and if you start to see him I honestly believe you will jeopardize your chances of complete recovery from the terrible ordeal you have been through. Please - do not speak to him again. Trust me when I say that I know the loneliness you are talking about, but even though it's terribly painful, it's nothing compared to the agony you will go through if you reintroduce yourself to this man and he begins to abuse you once again.
I think you are probably repeating patterns of behaviour: you are now depressed, which makes you vulnerable. Formerly when you first met this man, you were clearly in crisis and lacking stability at a time when you should have been enjoying a childhood. You're basically trying to repeat what you know. What you're not realizing, as CaringGuy points out, is that your problems now are in a large measure DUE to this guy's behaviour - there is a causal relationship between the abuse and the depression, not a coincidental similarity. You're trying to treat poison by taking more of the same poison, and I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that's not a wise strategy.
I think you might find a self-help group useful. It will give you a chance to talk about what you went through with people who have experienced similar crises, and should help you to realize that (sadly) you are not the only one to have experienced this appalling treatment.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 April 2010):
Sweetheart,pls. stay very very far away from this man.
You say you have nobody to talk to.
Talk to US.
You can PM me if you feel too down and lonely. And I am sure other aunts too would be glad to give you support .
...............................
A
female
reader, Emaz help +, writes (29 April 2010):
 what he did to you was disgusting, why would you risk finding him and maybe going through it all again? the only reeason he was nice to you was so that he could get what he wanted...and abuse you. He gained your trust by helping you out whrn no one else could, i understand this but he did all this for his benefit. Speak to someone like a family member when yu have problems because i could put money on it that you will feel even lower if you find this paedophile. Please understand that it is not normal for a 60year old man to want to have sex with a child, because thats what you were. Please get help from other people....not him
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 April 2010):
He did what many pedophiles do, he "groomed" you, by being nice, being helpful, giving you rides, pretending to be your friend... all so he could eventually molest you.
He is one sick FU..!
What I would advice is that you talk to you school counselor and get some phone numbers for sexual abuse victims and you call them. Someone WILL be able to help you. You need to deal with what he did. Those are HIS actions but you seems to want to take all the blame and you want the fantasy he build while "grooming" you. That he was your friend. He really is/wasn't. Friends don't force themselves sexually or otherwise on friends.
You need to deal with the fact, that it is TIME for you to grow, you need to deal with all the "side effects" of abuse, the depression, the anorexia, the self loathing. This is not all that you are, you are so much more.
Right now you are surviving, you need to start living.
Please get help and stay FAR away from that sick bastard.
*hugs*
Maybe this can give you a start:
Teen Crisis
Boys and Girls Town National Hotline
1-800-448-3000
Hearing Impaired: 1-800-448-1833
A toll-free national hotline for girls and boys and parents to call with any problem(s) they may have. Professional counselors give answers and support and can help find services and agencies in the callers' local area. Spanish-speaking counselors are available and there are translation services for 100+ languages.Covenant House Nine Line
1-800-999-9999
1-800-999-9915 (tty)
For teens in crisis. A free, confidential helpline that is available 24-hours a day.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): I'm sorry to hear what you went through. I think 'caringguy' said exactly what I wanted to say, Stockholm syndrome etc!! Sounds like he still has you chained up emotionally and mentally years later. Think this through very carefully- Seeing him again will be very damaging I think.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): What a situation you are in! I once had a similar experience. When I was 14/15 I had a relationship with a man who was twice my age. He made me do some sexual things that at the time I didn't realise were wrong. He was someone I could turn to when things were bad at home and I also felt very grown up being with someone older. The outcome of the situation was that my parents found out and went to the police. I was too naive to want to press charges and I've never been able to tell them the extent of the damage that he did to me at the time. He was given a warning and a restraining order. I since found out that he was also a paedophile. What happened has stayed with me until this day and had a knock on effect to my relationships well in to my twenties. It wasn't until maybe 10 years later, after suffering depression and having counselling that I realised how wrong it was. My advice to you is don't make the same mistakes. You are feeling depressed and your self esteem is at rock bottom. You need professional help. Go to your GP, they are there to support you and can put you in touch with counsellors. I know it sounds cliche, but it really helped me. Going back to this guy is the most self destructive thing that you could do. You are a few years older, but a leopard really doesn't change it's spots. How could you ever trust or love someone that abused your innocence and friendship?Concentrate on getting yourself better for YOU and then think about finding a healthy relationship. Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 April 2010):
Please contact your counselor, or ask your doctor for a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist. This is not healthy thinking. I wish you well on your journey to good mental health.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 April 2010):
I cannot tell you enough how dangerous this is. I just can't. I'm pretty sure you're actually suffering from something called Stockholm Syndrome, where a victim falls for the abuser. This is a man who sexually abused you, hurt you and could have been responsible for killing you. He is a paedophile and a user of women. He is also incredibly manipulative. He IS the reason you are depressed, and by going back to him in this way you are walking straight into the biggest trap of all. You don't know that you are his only victim. There could be many others (and in truth there probably are). This man destroyed you, and you are walking back to him because you haven't really dealt with what happened. This man is seriously dangerous. He doesn't really love you at all. And he doesn't understand you. He just takes what he wants and tells you what you want to hear. DO NOT go back to him and cut all contact, for your own safety. Then seek professional help, because if you don't this will destroy you even more.
...............................
|
