A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ive been with my boyfriend who recently asked me to marry him for 3 years now, he is the kindest and most loving guy and he treats me like a princess. However over the past 8 months i have been getting feelings for an old friend of his, and the feelings just keep growing and growing the more i talk to this guy. I have asked myself if it is just lust but im sure it's not, i am in love with him. This guy has told me that he loves me and he is willing to let me choose. He says he will wait around for me untill i choose as he is crazy about me and i cant stop thinking about him either. I dont know what to do because i dont want to upset either guy as i love them so much! but i cant have both.please help me. Thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (5 May 2010):
 I quite agree, Q, and I think it works both ways. I always assume that my skin is made of glass and that everyone could very well be picking up on at least the essential emotions of what I'm thinking and feeling. Counter this with the possibility that they might actually have missed the important and/ or more subtle parts and so tell them everything you need them to understand outright; and I think you have a good honest and open communication basis on which to work on!
But either way, you can only decide as fast as you can! And I think that panicking would only slow and confused the decision process.
Hmm, OP, your follow up is very interesting. 'Emotionless' is not good. However, it can be translated from what's actually at the heart of the matter. It could actually be that he is 'steady' or 'balanced' or simply 'content. We are all too ready to assume that calm people are feeling more dramatic emotions than they let on.
Could it be that he is calm because he is happy and he has you, and that if he was right for you, you would be calm too? -Not least because the one who is 'right' for you would be listening to and sharing your anxieties? It would help us all to be stronger, but we need the support of those that care about us to help us achieve that.
I wonder if the realisation that he might lose you would be the one factor that would make him lose his cool, and cause him to panic and really open up to you emotionally?
Is the other guy open to you emotionally? -Could this be what is missing in your current relationship to make you look elsewhere? Maybe if you could talk more deeply to your boyfriend, and share more of an emotional connection; you would be happier in your current relationship and become happier and stronger in yourself?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are so right!
The other 30% of the time is pretty rubbish really. i often end up in tears, and feel like i cant talk to him about it as hes not a "talk and resolve" type.
He is the most emotionless guy i know really, which makes it hard as im extreamly sensitive... thats a weakness in his eyes.
But the 70% hes completely amazing and i feel so good about myself. Its like there is no in between, Its either pure wonder and joy or pure heartache and dispare with him :/
Another thing is that im currently on medication for depression and axiety disorder so i find it very hard to go out and do thing alone and i can get days where i feel so low, obvioulsy him being a very practical and logical type he doesnt understand these feelings i get and i get no sympathy at all. he often tells me im being silly or stupid if i cry about something he has said to me or similar. He has told me i need to be stronger... but im not a strong person i never have been, but i dont see that as a weakness, im just a sensitive person thats all.
I dont want to make out like hes not a nice guy here though, he really is. I depend on him so much.
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female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (4 May 2010):
Aww, I'm glad if I've helped a bit. From the outside it sounds like such a 'good' problem- being in the privileged position to choose- but I honestly think that it can be one of the hardest dilemmas you can face when there's no clear answer.I think that as time went on, I increasingly found that, although there was no 'bad' choice, and no one gave any reason 'not' to be with them- there became a clear answer of who I simply couldn't ever leave! -not for oodles of money, or financial security, or based on any pros and cons list you could create! -and no matter how well anyone else might treat you, you might come to find that; if one of them really is the one for you- wild horses couldn't drag you (or even your attention) away from them!Thank you for your follow up. It sounds like you're on the right track towards making sense of what you really want. -And not committing to anything before you clear about it.When you say only for 70% of the time- what's the other 30% like? Is it just short of the mark, or far less than what you are looking for in a relationship?I think that you can actually afford to be a little selfish here- Don't make any decision based upon what you think ought to, or for any feeling that you 'owe' it to anyone. In the long run, the only decision which can minimise the hurt to everyone else is the one that makes you genuinely happy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShare Bare - Thankyou SO much for that reply! There are so many questions for me to find the answers too and im so scared of making the wrong choise and hurting people in the process.
I have a lot more lists to make in my head and a lot of thinking to do, I am definately going to delay the marriage because there is no way i can commit the rest of my life to my boyfriend if im not even sure if i can commit myself for just today!
Although i love him with all my heart, things are only ok 70% of the time i would say which is a high percentage i guess but is it enough to stay with for the rest of your life, im not sure.
Again many thanks for all the help i have got, i really appreciate it. xx
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reader, Share Bear +, writes (3 May 2010):
I really feel for you in this. It's a horrid situation to be in if you genuinely don't know which way to jump. I experienced a similar situation myself once upon a time. Looking back, the decision seems obvious.My gut feeling is that the answer IS there inside you, if only you ask yourself the right questions. And of course they're not always easy or quick to answer.Although it is wise to give any relationship a fair try before we jump ship, if we never moved on to greener grass- well; we'd never move on. -Simple as that.Broadly speaking, there would seem to be two category extremes. Either you're forever seeing greener grass, and would be wise to focus on what you've already got and give it a fair shot without keeping one eye on the door; or there are genuine reasons why even after 8 months, you are STILL in a quandary and interested in another guy?You've been with your boyfriend for a committed 3 year stretch. He treats you well, he generally does everything 'right'- and staying with him would even be the 'easier' choice; you're already with him. No risk, no jumping ship, no drama or starting again... And even after all of this, you STILL think you might want the other guy. And have done for 8 months.If you were going to make a list of good and bad points and there's an obvious winner 'on paper', and you still want to pick the other guy... well, do you see where I'm going with this? Love and relationships cannot be figured out by statistics and pie charts.If you were asking this a year after marriage, I'd speak differently. But you haven’t yet felt able to promise forever to him, and you're feeling this at the critical time when you either consider his marriage proposal or jump ship. I'm not saying that you should back away from this relationship, and it could be that you choose to stay with him but delay the commitment to marrying him (Maybe you’d be a lot more comfortable in your current relationship without the pressure of marriage?). But I do think that you should have a serious think about WHY you're feeling as you are.Could you be feeling cold feet towards how serious the relationship is becoming? (I have actually experienced it in the past that the only thing 'wrong' in a relationship was how good it was; since it suddenly became an issue of looking at the rest of my life) -Or could it be that even if you turn your head away from this new interest, that you will only be looking for another and another a few months later?-For all that your boyfriend treats you like a princess, is he your 'one'? Does he make your heart sing? Are you ready to commit for him for life (and at a relatively young age) -and indeed, is there any way that you could be ready to take his hand in marriage FOR LIFE if you're seriously considering jumping ship to be with his ex-friend?On the flipside of this- if anyone you were dating asked a similar question shortly after you had proposed to them, would you think it would be fair of them to marry you with such a lack of commitment in their heart?I'm honestly not suggesting a rash decision away from what is clearly a loving and committed relationship. But after being together 3 years, and yet wanting this new guy for 8 months; this clearly isn't 'just' a rash decision. But give this a really hard think. By all means keep trying more pros and cons lists to try and jog your decision. And give yourself a deadline (or try two or three to see if you immediately regret any decision you ‘try out’ in your head) by which you HAVE to let these guys know. I’d suggest that you need to do this not just for your sake, but also for theirs’. You KNOW all too well that this indecision cannot go on forever, and that you're putting yourself through hell in the meantime.
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reader, rcn  +, writes (3 May 2010):
 q1605: I'd see that as more of a probability than a possibility.
Exactly my point. You can't choose, so tell him, he'd leave, then you'd be left with one guy to choose from.
There are so many guys out there. You need to keep to your choices, and be firm with who you are with so you don't go off again weighing pro's and con's. The other one doesn't have any, well get to know him and that list will grow.
Since you are staying with your boyfriend. I want you to remember this quote. I ran across it on this cite, but can't recall who stated it. It states: "Never leave someone you love for someone you like, because someone you like will leave you for someone they love." You can head downtown and see many people of the opposite sex that may interest you, but where that leaves you is always looking for something new, and never having something that is real.
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reader, Laura1318  +, writes (3 May 2010):
 Well! No one is perfect and one should not have too high an expectation of one's partner.
You love him for who he is and not what you want him to be.During the early stages, he can morphed into anything you want him to be ,but after marriage his real person will come out .
Many girls make the mistake of thinking that they can change the men.They will only realize their mistakes after the marriage.
Life is not without problems.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe pro's and con's havnt really worked as my current boyfriend has a lot more pros and cons altogether because i know him better! There are a good few things i have discovered about him that he will not change as he refuses to believe that he is like it. i have tried many times to tell him i dont like some things he does but nothing has changed. The "old friend" i noticed doesnt have any of these things in his cons list so maybe that was what attracted me to him in the first place. He has what i crave from my currrent boyfriend.but overall i think you are right, i should stay with my boyfriend. hopefully most the problems we have will go away once we can get our own place together.
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reader, Laura1318 +, writes (3 May 2010):
You are involved in a triangular affair.
Making a list of pro's and con's is a good way to decide .
Your choice is actually pretty clear. You should choose your b/f. He is committed ,he is the kindest and most loving guy and he treats me like a princess.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
What more do you seek in a partner?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for your replies, they have helped me. I cant imagine my life without either of them to be honnest.The only reason the 2 guys arnt friends anymore is because of me. my boyfriend found a text off this "old friend" on my phone with x's and a dirty joke. (this was before anything was actually goin gon with us) He took it badly and threatend the "old friend" that if he says things like that to me again he will break his legs!!! This was some time ago and they talk sometimes now but not very often, they dont have a friendship anymore.The "old friend" is still a virgin and hasn't had much luck with relationships in the past as many have cheated on him.I think i am going to make a list of good and bad points for each. the thing is there will be more bad points on my boyfriends because we have been together a long time and its gone past that first stage where everything is perfect, im worried i may choose the old friend and ruin what i have now and then things dont work out with him and im left with neither of them :(
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reader, Laura1318 +, writes (3 May 2010):
You will have to choose between the guy who loves you more or the guy whom you love more? The guy who will put you first on his priority list and the one who can spend more time with you .The answer is to choose the guy that you cannot live without.If you can't decide ,then let mother nature takes it's course.In time, one of them will give up and then only true love will prevail.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 May 2010):
 I think what q1605 means is that if the "old friend " convinces you to be with him, after he'll just use you and dump you. Which is a distinct possibility- I am not as cynical as q1605 :) yet it's true that many males are competitive and they are more interested in women who are "taken ",precisely because you are taken.Maybe you need to take a break from your current bf, and gibe yourself some time alone to reflect about what you really want deep down.also because right now you are with yr bf but you are in love with someone else and that is like cheating even if nothing physical happens.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiong1605 - I dont understand your answer at all ?rcn - I dont understand your answer either. If i was to include my boyfriend then he would know and leave me for sure. Him and this other guy i like arent friends anymore.
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reader, rcn +, writes (3 May 2010):
Why don't you include your boyfriend in this process. He may choose for you, then you wouldn't have to worry about it much. The old saying, "With friends like him, who needs enemies" holds true here. Over the years, I'd had friend who have had very attractive girlfriends, but because of who I am, I assured myself, no matter what connection I saw was there, that a boundary be place between myself and them. I do that because that's how I respect my friendships.
I'll leave you with that, but I assure you, you can really tell someone's character by how they treat their friends. I see taking a friend's girl as being just about as low as one can get.
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