A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am a 47 year old male, my partner is 32 we have been together for about 12 years now and have a lovely six year old daughter.I tell her i love her everyday,she only says this if i have said it first. if i go to cuddle her its as though i am in her way and a kiss is only just a quick peck- if i want to get intimate she will always have an excuse- headache, belly ache,tired etc.i have always been the one to make the first move she never ever has and when we are intimate there is no affection on her part- in fact she does not even talk and i get a sense that its something she just wants to get it over with.I love her dearly but really dont know if the feeling is mutual anymore.If it was left to her i know we would probably never make love. Its driving me mad and i dont know how to go on.recently i bought a porn mag - i dont know why - perhaps because i havent seen my partner naked for about six years- she will always be undressed first and in bed before me. unfortunately she found it and now uses this as an excuse because she thinks im sick and a sex mad - i dont see how as we only make love about once every 2 months. How or what can i do to save this relationship and the woman i love? because at the moment it seems to be going downhill fast.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2009): Let me guess, the women in your porn mag didn't have post baby bodies did they? It always amazes me that when us women go through the major physical changes that happen when we have babies , men think its enough to say ' oh you're beautiful' whilst they proceed to ogle 20 year old and women in porn who show no signs of ever having babies. It seems pretty obvious she does not feel great about the changes having YOUR child have made to her body , maybe stretch marks or sags, and youve just gone and confirmed her fears by getting pictures of naked women who have none of this to get to ......men will NEVER treat women with the respect they deserve aftergiving them children. Good luck , I wouldn't stay if I were her but hope it works out better for you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009): Well! thanks for the replies -lots of sensible suggestions and intuitive replies. Yes my partner did have pnd after the birth of our child-maybe its still lurking there eh ?
Yes we communicate fine - unless it has something to do with our relationship/love/sex. then i get "oh here we go again" and then nothing gets sorted and im left with the silent treatment. I then have to wait - sometimes a day before we can talk properly with each other - as long as it has nothing to do with the relationship.Counselling unfortunately is out of the question because as she says "im fine theres nothing wrong" or "well i go to bed to sleep"
I thought the age difference might crop up but there is nothing that can be done to change that. As far as her self image is concerned i think this could be part of the problem having said that she looks better than she did 12 years ago- having lost quite a bit of weight- but i do know she feels that she is to big- which she is'nt. I do tell her she is beautiful everyday-sometimes it is recieved with a questioning smile but more often with "yeah whatever".Any way i shall implement those suggestions that i can and hopefully see some change.Yes it is very hard giving -or trying to give someone love and affection knowing that it is not always going to be returned.Ayway will keep ya posted. thanks AK & Bitch
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): Well said about not leaning solely onto each other for happiness, and being the two pillars of a bridge.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): Maybe you should withdraw a little bit, find a hobby or something to do outside the house. Unfortunately people and things that are always around get taken for granted. Take some time to grow as an individual and encourage your wife to do the same. If you rely on your wife as your sole provider of happiness then it really is time to expand your life. It's hard to be two pillars of a bridge when your both leaning on each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): She is freaking out because of one magazine? Reading porn magz are not illegal... Sounds like she's lost all perspectives and is living in her own imaginary world. By the sounds of it, she is just happy she "thinks" she's found another excuse why not to have sex with you when all her old excuses are getting worn out (the headaches etc). Talk to her. This is serious. Perhaps councelling will work, perhaps this is something you can work on? But also realize that this might be over. She's not pleasing you, she's not making you feel loved, she's not being affectionate. All in all if you were a woman most other women would encourage you to leave your partner and find a more loving partner, with the belief that all deserve better treatment.
She has no right to throw a tantrum over a magazine you bought. Dont let her get to you about that. I dont think at all she's unhappy about you buying it, I think it delights her that now she's got a new excuse.
It is hard when you love someone and the feeling is one sided. Very hard too when you've felt her love in the past and know what things used to be like. But sometimes thats how it is. We can not change what is in others hearts.
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A
female
reader, Another_Kapiti  +, writes (18 November 2009):
 Talk to her. Find out what's going on in her mind.
Maybe it's not a coincidence that you haven't seen without clothes since your daughter was born..! Has she ever suffered from depression at all? She sounds like she's really insecure about herself bodywise.
Choose a time when she's relaxed and calmly ask her why she doesn't seem interested in keeping your relationship going anymore, or why she's acting she way she is. Maybe you could do little things for her, slip a love note into her purse before she goes out, or do something nice for her?
I'd love to know how it's going, any positve (or negative) updates. AK. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): Your partner is obviously angry and disgruntled with her lot. I don't know why but maybe there are areas that you would know about if you spend some time thinking about it that she isn't happy with. Speaking for myself I did not have sex with my husband for 5 years for a variety of reasons. They were:- very bad undiagnosed post natal depression that went on for years, my anger at him generally because our views on life had changed, he drank a lot and I didn't drink at all, he was sociable and I wanted to stay at home with my child all the time and he wanted to still go out to clubs and things and I generally didn't fancy him any more. He would come for a peck and I would turn away and if I had to have sex it was just to get it over with so he would shut up and leave me alone. Now I am the same age as you are now but I was about 34 when this started. I can only surmise that your wife is disgruntled in some way. The age gap between you is quite large too, when she is 20 and you are 35 it is exciting to be with an older man, but 32 and 47 doesn't have the same appeal. Eventually my husband went off and had sex with another woman and this led to our divorce. He pointed out that I had forced him away. Probably a quite fair assumption.
I think that you need to evaluate your life together as a whole and see what areas are missing. Talk to her and ask her what she is happy with and what parts of her life she would like to change. If she gets angry and doesn't want to communicate ( as I used to) then I feel the writing is on the wall for the relationship.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 November 2009):
I think you need to talk to her. Your daughter is 6, and she hasn't been really interested for 6 years. Perhaps she is underconfident about her body since giving birth, or maybe she's suffering from depression and hasn't said anything. She does sound like she's depressed. I would really sit down with her and talk to her about it. Gently explain you feel you're drifting away from each other and that you'd like to know what you can do to make it better. Hopefully she'll open up. It sounds to me like her having a child may have given her depression. Talk to her about how she's feeling.
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A
female
reader, bitch  +, writes (18 November 2009):
I am really sorry about your distress over your relationship. How well do you both get along otherwise? Do you both have a good relationship and is communication strong between you both? Can you talk to her about your feelings and tell her stuff without her getting defensive or upset at you?
I think that all relationships may go through difficult periods and maybe this is just a difficult time for her in her life. See if there is anything you can do for her to help her out on a daily basis. Maybe even make comments about how beautiful you think she is and how much you want to hold her. Not sex, but just hold her and hug her. She needs to feel appreciated and loved and adored and maybe despite your efforts she is not feeling that way. Try doing that first.
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