A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a 20 year old male who has never had a date because I've always been to shy to ask anyone. I am, now, perfectly confident in myself and can talk to girls much more easily. The problem is I don't really know absolutely anything about dating and have quite a few questions;Where do you take a girl for a date? Coffee/Film/Ice-skating or something? Should I pay for it?How quickly would/should things progress? I'm actually still a virgin and have never done anything beyond kiss a girl in the past so am a little worried I won't be able to live up to the expectations one might have of an average 20 year old. How often should you meet/contact people you want to date? I have no idea.Could/SHOULD you date more than one girl at a time? My gut instinct says no but is that really seen as a problem? I tried doing a google search but it didn't really come up with very much. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Cheers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow,
Thank you agony-aunts for the very thorough answers! I really felt as if I learnt a heap, what you said made a lot of sense and I really think I can apply it to my current situation.
The only thing puzzling me now is why I didn't ask somebody this years ago! So many missed opportunities. *sigh*
Rated up! :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): How great that you ask! I am quite happy to see a question I can actually answer, this I know all about ;)First, Kapiti answered is fine too! I will probably end up repeating some of what she wrote.Where do you take a girl for a date? I would take my date doing something I enjoy doing with my friends. The point is to get to know her right? So take her somewhere where you can do an activity but still have a conversation at the same time. Dont try anything too fancy, this is the first date, so keep things simple. As for paying: if you are a gentleman you will pay. This is not expected by most modern women these days, which is another reason to love it of you do. However, everything depends on who you are really. If you like chivalry then pay the date. Just stay true to who you are.How quickly things progress depends on the chemistry between you and the girl. If it feels natural then go for it. If you're unsure, give it a few more dates. Many like to wait with having sex until they are in love, or married, or have a time frame of how long they wish to date before having sex. Decide this for yourself, and set the boundaries for how far YOU want to go. This is not only about what she expects, but about what you are comfortable with and would prefer. If she respects you and is genuine, she will agree to your terms. By the way, when it comes to 20 year olds I have met many that are virgins, and I have met some that are outright man-sluts, so as for general expectations I dont think you have to worry too much. How often to meet with them? Well if you hit it off you can meet again as soon as you feel like it. People who fall in love tend to cling to each other like siamese twins. There really are no rules for how often to meet, except for one obvious one: If you dont get in touch with her for weeks you guys have no relationship. If you liked her enough to want a second date or move into a relationship with her, you might as well agree on a second date at the end of the first date, or you can give it a day and talk to her again. Really, if she is into you she'll want to see you again too. If not then it's time to move on.I say YES to dating more at the same time. However there is a line here! After the first dates, if things start to get more serious you need to date only one. If you end up kissing someone then you have sealed it with that girl. Kissing is taking things to the next level of dating, and moving into relationship. This next step you can NOT take with more girls at the same time or it's cheating. And for heavens sake do not tell the girls you are dating about the other girls you are also considering. This because they have no right to know what you do with your life, nor are they interested in hearing they might not be the only woman you could every possibly consider dating. You are free to date as many as you please as long as you are single, but there is no need to rub it in.What you need to decide though is: where do you want the dating to go? Are you looking for a relationship? Are you looking for a woman to marry? As a last remark I will add some examples from my own dating experience:Most common date place is cafe and coffee or a lunch. Casual dressing, just having a good time. However these dates never made me interested in seeing the men again. At one time I dated 6 men at the same time, but I only had one or two dates with the same person, and things never got beyond smiling at each other. There would be no physical contact. The ones I have ended up in a relationship with were: men I met at parties, we'd start by finding each other attractive and be flirting, then kissing, and fell head over heels for each other within days. Others I met at work or knew before I started falling for them, at which point flirting again was of great help to show my interest. So in my experience the most important thing is not the dates but: chemistry and flirting!
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (18 November 2009):
 In answer to your first question, there are loads of places to go on a date, go wherever you like! But as a rule first dates should be somewhere where you can talk properly without having to shout over loud music, or being stuck inside a cinema where you cant have a conversation. My boyfriend for our first date took me to watch the sunset over some lakes that are close to my house, it was very romantic and we had a nice walk where we could talk properly. So really just use your imagination, if you know of any quirky little cool places you like to hang out then take her there. Dont be afraid to show your personality and dont be afraid of what she might think - girls like it when a guy knows his own mind and has his own interests. Plus its always good to be shown somewhere new that not many people know about!
As for paying - in general I think it is always nice if the man pays for the first date, it shows that you want to impress and care about what she thinks of you. After the first date I suggest you continue to pay until she starts to offer, and by your 2nd/3rd date you will have a better idea if she is more traditional (i.e. would prefer you to pay) or if she likes to be independent and doesnt want to have a man pay for her all the time.
In terms of things progressing - only you dictate the pace that it progresses. If things feel right you will spend lots more time together and get to know each other better - I would say it only starts progressing when you have dates at each others houses rather than dates out in public. So if you dont want things to go too fast then make sure you keep suggesting you go out and do things together rather than just staying in. Eventually you will have to explain your situation - I dont think many girls would be put off by it, in fact I think most would think it is quite sweet and a sign that you are not just interested in sex (which is always a good thing to a girl!). I would try not to worry too much about sex when you first start out dating someone, girls dont expect sex early in the relationship although they might get a bit worried if you show no signs of making any physical contact with them (they will think you are not attracted to them!). Hence why you will at some point have to talk to that girl about being a virgin - it is better to be honest than to have her worry that you dont fancy her!
In terms of your next question - meeting and contacting people you want to date. I would say that prior to going on any dates with a particular girl you should be texting fairly regularly, there is no real rule for how frequently you should be in touch but just however much feels right. So text her, chat over MSN - whatever you use. If you have just met a girl and want to date her then try chatting to her for a few days then when you are getting indications she likes you then ask her out. With my boyfriend (we did meet through an online dating site so it is a bit different) we were emailing and texting for about 3 or 4 days before he asked me out on a date. With other guys in the past it has taken them ages to actually ask me out. It all varies so much! I guess the guys that I have been in serious relationships with have all made it pretty clear from the start they liked me and things moved pretty fast - I would say my 2 most serious relationships we went from meeting one day to then spending nearly every day together. It is not helpful to you but you just know when it feels right, you dont need any rules or advice because you just go along with it!
Once you have been on a date I would say you should text her after telling her what a good time you had and then the next day ask her to go out again. Once you get to the second date normally the ball starts rolling so you dont have to worry too much about "how often should I suggest we meet etc". She might mention in conversation on your 2nd/3rd date that she wants to go see a certain film, so you then suggest "well how about we go see it on xxxx". You will talk about stuff you both want to do while you are out on your dates so it becomes pretty natural just to plan your next one!
As for dating more than 1 person at the same time - probably not unless you have 2 girls in your life that you quite like and dont want to miss a chance with either of them. But beware - dating more than 1 person is very time consuming (you will find most of your evenings and weekends get taken up with dates!) and for a guy, pretty expensive! You end up feeling a bit tired and run down because you are constantly dating, trying to make sure you look your best at all times.....and then trying to fit in your normal life too! So generally it is best just to stick with one girl at a time, it makes life easier!
Feel free to ask any more questions!
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A
female
reader, Another_Kapiti  +, writes (18 November 2009):
 Okay, firstly, date venues. Once you find a girl you like, get to know her and ask her what activities she enjoys. This doesn't mean it has to cost a fortune! Just if you make a bit of effort to find out what she likes, you'll have a much easier time. Films, not a great idea for first dates, you can't talk and get to know one another. Cafe? Bar, not really as they're a bit noisy too. Ice skating, good if you're both into it as you can hold hands whilst trying not to fall on your backside!
Paying for the date, now this can be tricky depending on her views on the subject. I always go by who asks who, by that I mean if you invite her somewhere, you pay. If she offers to pay (but only if she sounds like she really means it) then let her pay half. Some girls would rather pay than feel 'obligated' to you.
How often to meet? Well, this all depends on how much you like her! If everything goes well, leave it 1 day then text or otherwise contact her to see how things are going. Don't leave it too long (as she might think you've changed your mind!) A text after you part to say what a great time you had might be nice but also might come across as desperate by some girls.
I think you know the answer when it comes to dating more than one girl at a time, you said your gut instinct says not to, and I'd go with that. You wouldn't like it if she was dating multiple guys, and neither will she like being one of the masses! I'm not saying all girls, it depends on what she's like and how serious she is about you.
I think it's admirable to be a virgin at 20. This is not that unusual by any means. (I was 25) but as a male you might feel more pressure to 'perform', but the best thing to do is wait until YOU are ready, not before.
Hope I've helped you. AK. Feel free to give me an update whenever you wish!
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