A
male
age
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*arlreeves
writes:My girlfriend and I have have been having the time of our lives over the past 8 months. I'm 48 and she's 45. We're both very much in love, and then last week I saw a dramatic change in her. Even in the bedroom she was cold. Something she has always said since we met, is this "mobile phones are as private as a persons diary and no one should ever look at them". Well I made the fatal error of doing this! Call me what you want, I know it was so wrong of me - but when I did, I saw these two messages from another man!!!! "I love you x x x" and, "let me know when it's safe to ring you".....so I confronted her about this and she blew her top, saying that the last bloke she was with was a control freak, and she has told me all about his jealous ways, which she hates, and these are older messages from a man that came onto her and she was flattered, until she found he was married, but he still texts her.She left them on the phone because she knew if I ever looked I would confront her and then she would see the same traits in me as she did in her last partner. Well it has been a weekend from hell, she thinks I'm just a jealous person like him and she is now feeling scared and very hurt, but I was also hurt in the fact I thought she was seeing someone else. I am so wrong and I have no idea what I can do for her to prove how sorry i am !!
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female
reader, PreciousNY  +, writes (1 May 2008):
I agree with Danielepew!! And I think she is a manipulator and had no business setting you up like that. She also came into your relationship with negativity from her previous boyfriend whom supposedly treated her badly. You do not bring past relationships into a new relationship.....she should stay single until she figures that out and stops her game playing. You don't start to distrust someone until "they" themselves have given you a reason.....I don't think you've given her a reason to distrust you and to think so low of you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Not sure what to make of your response. Going to show her all the responses? And the purpose would be what?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (29 April 2008):
 I beg to differ, man. She set you up and you're accepting it. It's your life.
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A
male
reader, carlreeves +, writes (29 April 2008):
carlreeves is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou all for your advice, but I must say to you that I do realise how deeply scarred she has been by this man and how controling he was, yes she admits she set me up for a fall, but she was looking to see if I was like him and because of this she has recoiled, she also understands the pain she caused me in seeing those texts, but she also said I have lots of friends (female because I am a dancer on stage) and they text me, yes she is right they do, but only to inform me of a dance and am I going ? they never say they love me ! because they have no reason too ! I do trust her and now I see what this other man did to her and what a dramatic effect he has had, we have both aplologised for hurting each other and she wants us to take it slow and build up our relationship again, I am willing to do that because we are so good together.Once again thankyou to all that took the time to reply, it really has been a great help in hearing what others think, I had printed all these replies off to show her, if we couldn't agree on going on with it, then she might have seen my point of veiw.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): Dude - Why do you want to be with someone who is either a) Screwing around on you. or b) A tripped out psycho who wants to play head games with you. Either way she's a loser, dump her and move one life is way to short to deal with headcases.
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A
female
reader, PreciousNY +, writes (29 April 2008):
I must agree to the tee with lisard89 and collaroy. This lady is no good and not trustworthy. In my opinion, a cell phone is not a friggin diary and you had every right to look through it especially when you are innocently trying to figure out why her personality has suddenly changed on you. I think that she is a definite player and not a good choice as a companion. You need to dump her and dump her fast!! Don't let her get over on you.....you did nothing wrong and if you want to stay and forgive her, you need to start setting down some ground rules. She is totally wrong in this situation and you need to stand up for yourself and stand your ground.
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female
reader, lexilou +, writes (29 April 2008):
 She's making you feel bad for something she has done wrong. You both need to decide if you really want this relationship to work as it does sound as though she is telling a few lies. If you really love her and can forgive her then you have to try and move on which is not easy. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): Wow, she certainly has great skills at turning the tables -that was very well thought out. Sorry, wouldn't feel bad if I were you, okay you shouldn't have gone through her phone but, there shouldn't have been anything to find....would watch that girl, she is obviously a quick thinker, I dont believe her story for a second!
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (29 April 2008):
 Did she tell you why she was suddenly cold to you?
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A
female
reader, lisard89 +, writes (29 April 2008):
...there was no harm in what you did... yes, invading her privacy, but only to try and solve a problem that was effecting you're entire relationship.
You love her, and want to be on happy terms, and when things started to slide a bit... of course you were going to investigate.
Her excuses and stories were bogus and irrelevant... your nosing around isn't what you should feel miserable about. Her betraying your trust is a bigger issue.
I hope you get things sorted out. Good luck.
X
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (29 April 2008):
Just as other people have said, I'm not buying her excuse, and neither should you. It's clear that she has something going on. She's a player.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): I suspect your new, wonderful girlfriend has difficulty being faithful to just one man, hence her tendency to freak out over trivial things like this. It's pretty simple to me, she set a trap for you, and now she knows she can't pull the wool over your eyes and see two men at the same time. (Something I suspect she's done in the past). Since she laid down the law about how private she expects her phone to be, that sent up a red flag in my books, that she has something hide. She may have seemed like the perfect girl, but trust me I think she hides things from the men she's involved with, which is dishonest. It's just good that you figured it out now, rather than later.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): Your not wrong to be upset. So you came upon the diary; one way at getting to the truth.
Show her how controlling you are; dump her and tell her you don't like being set up so she can act all pompous and righteous.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): It doesn't matter what the ages of the messages are, unless they are just a day old. The fact that they are not deleated means that she still has an interest in going ahead with the request of the messages. I agree that she blew up because she got defensive because she was caught at something that she shouldn't be doing. I have to wonder why she left these messages and made comments that would make you want to look at her phone. All this after she started to get cold in bed with you. Sounds to me like she is trying to find a reason to break up with you and doesn't have the courage to just do it.
I think that she might just want to play games with men's minds. I don't know what that gets her, but maybe it is the satisfaction that she can get attention from multiple men. If that is the case, then I can understand the attention part, but not the game playing. My wife and I both wanted attention from more than one person after our divorces to feel both sexually and socially wanted. One feels unwanted and undesirable after a failed marriage. However, we did not play games with others feelings. We were both honest with our partners about what we were doing.
It seems like both of you have some reason not to trust the other in some way or another. Since trust is so very important in a relationship, this relationship does not seem to be destined for any great success. First you have to decide if she is someone who you want to have a lasting relationship with. If you decide that it is then you both need to talk about all of the problems: cold in bed, saved messages from other men, hints to look at her phone and whatever else is a problem. Communication and trust is critical. If she wants no part in any discussion then I think that this relationship has no future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): I think she's lying about those messages really being old ones. I think she's just twisting this incident around to put the blame on you because she got caught cheating.
It wasn't right for you to snoop like that, but I think her violation of the rules was worse.
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A
male
reader, Andrew83 +, writes (29 April 2008):
 Damn to the line "mobile phones are as private as a persons diary and no one should ever look at them", thats seems like she opened the door their or at least shown you the door, your opened it..
As anon has said, did you get to look at the date of the msg as its the key to abit of this my friend..
I think she is the one with trust issue and kind of you too (mostly her). Why on earth would anyone leave old msges on their fone, is it to remind them of somethin, to remember what they had felt at the time they got the msges.
Why wouldnt/didnt she change her number??
But all that doesnt answer why she had felt cold around you now does it, so you could maybe say she hasnt been the same so that could have pushed you to findin out why by lookin on her fone (maybe).
The both of you sit down and have a long talk ehh, get it out or off both of your chests and hopefully fix whats messed up.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (29 April 2008):
 I may be wrong but I don't feel you were so out of bounds. Most of the time when people blow up like she did was because they were doing something they weren't supposed to be doing and to avoid the blame they switch it around and make it something YOU did wrong. She's twisted it on you. Imagine her looking through your phone. Would you really freak out so much? Unless you were doing something bad I wouldn't think so. She had stuff she didn't want you to see in it and is trying to take the blame off herself and put it on you. You can apologize for looking in her phone but I wouldn't be so naive if I were you. She kept messages cause she knew you would check her phone...? This makes no sense, I'm sorry. Shouldn't she have told you upfront that a man was texting her saying he loved her in the first place..? Maybe I'm strange but I wouldn't allow a man to text me saying he loves me when I am in a happy committed and loving relationship. Sorry this doesn't add up. Realize what is going on. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (29 April 2008):
 Hi,
oh my god, you have got yourself a real player there mate.
She is pissed off at you? O.K you shouldnt have spied on her, but damn it man, she virtually asked you to look in her phone when she said that comment about mobile phones. It's like the parent asking their child to not go into the locked room upstairs - at some stage you just can't resist.
I'm afraid if you believe her bullshit excuse you need to have your head examined. "let me know when its safe to ring you" - this is the comment which seals her fate.
This woman is a master player, she is turning her infidelity around on you to make it look like you are controlling her, where in fact she is the person doing all the controlling. She is the one controlling you.
I don't envy you mate.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): You know that it was wrong to look at her phone, explain to her why you did it, and make her give you a reason to why she's been so "cold"!
Did you actually see the date on the messages? If indeed they are old ones, and it was all a trap, then thats possibly worse than you going through her phone. She's been waiting for you to put a foot wrong, which means she didnt trust you either!
Maybe these trust issues need addressed before either of you can make a proper go at this relationship!
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