A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey,this is the first time writing to one of these agony aunt things so i'm sorry if this is long winded.long story short, a guy i'm attracted to has asked me out. he's cute, funny, intelligent.. everything i would want in a guy but never seem to find..but there's a big problem.. he's married and has a young child. i don't know if i want to be the mistress, i'd feel horrible if i was in the wife's position..but i'm also leaving soon, i'm going to be on a ship for the next 6 months with the navy (i don't think i'm allowed to give any more information about that) and i want to live a little before i leave. i'm young, fairly pretty, athletic, smart but i seem to miss all the fun, (i guess it's part of being in the military) the guy i'm on about (lets call him ben) doesn't work with me, doesn't have anything to do with where i work or anything, he's just a good friend.i don't have a clue what to do, really enjoy his company and i guess the only real difference would be that we start having sex, but i don't know if i want to be the mistress. it sounds like fun, you know the thrill of getting caught and all that, but still, mistress' are renowned for being home wreckers, and i don't think i want to be that person.please help. (sorry that it's long)anon xx
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female
reader, Curiouser +, writes (21 November 2011):
Thanks for the update.
Let’s face it- it IS frustrating when we meet someone that we like and they're not available for any reason. But there's so much more at stake here, so well done on you for not taking advantage of the situation and for acknowledging the bigger picture.
It shows maturity and responsibility to appreciate when it would be wrong to get involved and to walk away.
And as tennisstar says; you’ll have a whole ship of sailors to choose between soon! I hope Karma will reward you for good behaviour!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): hey,
i am the original poster
thankyou so much for the advice. i know it was a stupid idea, i don't know why i even asked it let alone considered it. i think i was just after some confirmation that i shouldn't do it.. i don't know, maybe it was just the opportunity to act out a fantasy (not a good one i admit)
but rest assured, i thought it was stupid straight after asking it so i'm not going to be going out with the guy.
anon xx
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (21 November 2011):
 A ship full of horny sailors and you go after a married man??? Come on now!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): Never ever do that. You are so young so I will excuse this question. Husband and wife are bonded together by God. To knowingly become a mistress is terrible. Do not do it. Thanks
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (21 November 2011):
 If you're so smart, why are you even considering this? You already know it's a bad idea. Are you looking for validation?
You know the answer to your question. You already know that it's a horrible idea. Find a guy out at a club or a bar somewhere to be your Fuckbuddy for a while before you join the military. Make sure he's single, use condoms. You'll be much better off.
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A
female
reader, Curiouser +, writes (21 November 2011):
You might be young and inexperienced, but you're not too young to show empathy, or to know right from wrong.
I hope that you've asked this question simply because you're hoping that people will tell you to do what you KNOW you should do already. And walk away.
Imagine someone did this to your mum, or your sister or best friend.
This behaviour can destroy relationships, lives, families. And yes- also reputations. But imagine if their relationship falls apart because of this- even if his wife never found out, you could hardly imagine their relationship to stay the same when HE knew, and as she sensed a change in his attitude towards her.
Imagine explaining this to his child in five years when it all comes out? You'll never be free of the risk of this coming out into the open.
How can you set out to fight for and to protect your country on one hand, but actively work to destroy family life on the home front?
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (20 November 2011):
 And yes many of them started like you.. looking for a bit of fun.. then the heart gets involved and it gets serious. I've read every one. Yep, even got one case where the man went away for a year, and then came back and the affair started again. Got cases where the people involved don't even live in the same country. I dare you to read the post before you make any decisions.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (20 November 2011):
Found it at last. Before you go off and have sex with a married man, please read this very important dear cupid post. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/in-love-w-a-married-man-how-do-i-cope-w-break-up.htmlI send all cheaters here, 392 posts and still it continues.. Hundreds of women who slept with a married man and now can't work out how to stop crying. You can join the group of "other women"..Nothing exciting, or fun here.. just many women hurting and suffering. Find someone else to be your FWB. It hurts to know that after he finishes with you, he'll go back to his wife and have sex with her and touch her just like he touched you.The advice for women who want to have sex or date a married man - DON'T, IT CAN RUIN YOUR LIFE AND KEEP YOU TRAPPED FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 November 2011):
 So live a little - there are PLNETY of single guys out there who can provide you with a bit of "amusement"
Don't be "that" girl.. the one people will NOT call the mistress, but the whore. YOU (and the wife) are the ones who will end up getting hurt from this. I don't see YOU being the reason their marriage fails (that is all on him) but honestly is he really all that if he is willing to be a cheat? He obviously fails in the morality and decency department BIG time.
You need to back off from him. That is not a friendship but a budding relationship, and honestly, HE should be ashamed of himself.
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A
male
reader, Cultuz  +, writes (20 November 2011):
Please don't. The world doesn't need more cheaters...
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (20 November 2011):
Why would a young, pretty, athletic, SMART girl consider becoming a mistress when she can get so much better? This so called ideal guy obviously has no regard for his wife's feelings. He doesn't understand the concept of loyalty and trust, something you should be familiar with, serving in the military and all. He isn't nice, he's an a-hole, no matter what 'marriage problems' he may have.
Live up to that image you have of yourself and tell him no. Once you cross the boundary of kissing and sex you have effectively lowered yourself to a disgustingly low level.
Being a mistress isn't fun or exciting. Only naive people think so. It's degrading, and an insult to your own intelligence.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2011): Hes cute, funny, intelligent .... And Hes Married!!! End of storyIf you dont want to become a homewrecker then you know what you need to do.BTW doesnt the navy have protocol of some sorts regarding affairs/husband stealers? Becaure you dont become a homewrecker AND lose your job AND get a reputation.
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A
female
reader, infactuaded +, writes (20 November 2011):
I'm going through a similar situation except that we're both married and have family's so i just can tell you please just leave the guy alone ,I just feel guilty and ashamed and we didn't even have sex or anything i think you guys just need to remain friends.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 November 2011):
No, you don't want to be that person. For several reasons:
1 - You will eventually be found out, and you'll look pretty dreadful for having an affair with a married man who has a young child.
2 - You'll have hugely lowered your own standards.
3 - Once found out, your reputation will put better guys off. Let's face facts, a decent guy won't trust a woman who's so willing to have anything to do with a married man who has children. That would reflect badly on you.
4 - You'll end up falling for him, and he'll hurt you.
5 - He'll probably use you and hurt you anyway.
6 - Imagine if this happened to you in the future. You'd have no right to complain about it.
Basically, do this and you just invite trouble for a long time. Either you'll wreck your own reputation, or you'll find yourself in the wife's position one day and realize how much pain you'd caused.
Don't be a homewrecker/mistress or anything like it.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 November 2011):
 I don't blame you for wanting to be that person, who would? Yes it might be a bit of fun at the time, but he is married, it is not fair on his wife or his child, and you will be the one that looks bad when it all comes ravelling out. Go and look for fun with a single man. It really is not worth a cheap thrill.
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