A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I really don't know where to start. this is a long story so please brace yourself. Im really confused and honestly don't know what to do.I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. Hes my first bf (Im 18 and were the same age). I want to explain all the ins and outs so that you get a proper understanding what its like.he was in a long time relationship with a girl when he met me. i liked him but knew about her. he told me about the troubles they were having and i comforted him. the day he asked me out i said yes almost staright away. to this day i regret it and wish i had taken my time coz i feel so easy. he told he had broken up with his girlfriend that night but i now know that he hadnt. a few months into the relationship i realised they hadnt because she would still call him. no one knew we were going out. i wanted it like this because he was my first and i wanted to go careful and not jinx it. i then found emails he had sent her and she had sent him. also he had a secret folder in his phone with her name. i never checked that folder and to this day i do not know what was inside. he told me the folder was for a friend and a friend was using his account to email her. it made no sense and i knew it was him, i recognised the way he types. im stupid for staying with him and wish i had left him then.i just wanted it to work so badly.about 6 months into the relationship, stuff happened with the girl he was still with. dont really want to go into it.the sad thins is this isnt even the main thing thats hurting me so bad.he cheated on me about 6 months in. that affair probably lasted a few months. i was so suspicious and in my heart i knew he was cheating on me. i never dreamt he was sleeping with her or taking her to our special places. i just thought he was taking another girl to the cinema and i guess in my head i accepted it.the thing is, back then i was so uncaring and open. i didnt mind that he had other girl mates. thats all i thought it was. he would never be ok with me having boy mates and i just thought that he was just lying as not to look like a hypocryte.the girl he was seeing found out about me and confronted me. she was so nice and heart broken. she told me they were in love and explained everything.i knew i should have left him then and even as i write this i can see how silly it sounds. which is probably one the reasons im even writing this all.i broke up with him but i got back with him within a week. i dont know why.i just love him so much.the thing is he is just such a big liar. this all happened about 6 months ago. he is a liar. he lied about so many things that were why i actually fell in love with him in the first place. like i thought he was smart but he lied about his grades. dumb i know - but i am doing very well academically. and to be honest, stupid as it sounds, if i had known about his grades, i would have never even considered going out with him. before we were going out i thought he was the perfect guy.i know im making it sound so negative. its obviously not. otherwise i wouldnt actually be with him. he treats me so special. he's always looking out for me, hes very macho and defends me. not that i need it, but i dont know, he just treats me so well - if you dont count the cheating a lies. whenever we dont argue it honestly is amazing and i feel on top of the world. we argue like once a week but that doesnt last longer then 24 hours and we end up together again.he has never been man enough to admit any of the bad things hes done and even lies about it. he only admits it when i had solid proof.right now i know in my heart that i deserve better. the only fault i have is i dont always give him as much love as he gives me. when he's upset or angry, i find it difficult to cheer him up. i never know the right thing to say. and i know that hurts him because he always cheers me up when im down is always so thoughtful, buying me stuff when hes out, calling me and saying such sweet things.in the surface, people who dont know about the lies and cheating think he is an amazing boyfriend.i do love him and i just feel scared. i dont know if i should leave him. sometimes during an argument i make up my mind and promise myself that i wont go back no more. but one of us calls each other and i cant help but lock the pain away.its so hard to leave him. i see him almost every day and we have mutal friends.so i guess my question is, what do i do? i seriously love this guy and i know he loves me. but sometimes i think i may be better off without him.
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affair, broke up, cheated on me, fell in love, last longer, liar Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): Sometimes you love people who are just no good for you. It happens. The fact is you are better off without him and if you realise being with him will only cause you unhappiness at least you can try to get by without him. You can get addicted to relationships that are hopeless. It is a shame if he is in your circle of friends so that you can not break all contact. It will be hard for you. Just know that your own sense of well being will be better if he is out of your life as a boyfriend.
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (4 February 2011):
 Wouldn't love have been enough to keep his lies away? Wouldn't love have been enough to keep him away from lying with another girl?
He my care about you deeply but it is not love, or at least, not the sort of love that can sustain a healthy relationship. You know what you have to do and you know how to do it, you know when and why, all that is left is taking action. Look at what you have written, truly embrace what you feel when you write it, revel in it and bask in every bitter thought that crosses your mind when you realize that this is not a good way to feel and yet, because of your own heart you have made it inevitable. You are the only one who can break free of this prison. Break up with him and do not contact him, ignore him as much as you can. This pain is not eternal, nor are you bound to see him everyday for the rest of your life. Break up with him, ignore him and eventually this is will all pass.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, Leodjoneluv  +, writes (4 February 2011):
 Run! Dont waste your time! I will never deal with a women and her ex. You will be the odd one out. Love yourself more than you love him
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (4 February 2011):
 Not meaning to be cruel or anything, but I honestly don't think you love this guy. I know you may think you do now, but once you are able to find true and honest love, you will look back on this relationship and laugh. When you can look at a person and see their flaws plain as day but decide to look past them for the sake of "love", you're only kidding yourself. When you can think about a person and only think about the hurt they've put you through and the wrong they do towards you, but decide that it's excusable because you "love" them, you're only letting yourself down. Believe me, I've been where you've been and I know plenty of other people like you. He's your first proper boyfriend (even though he's lied throughout most of your relationship), and so you're scared to let that go because... *gasp* ...you may not find someone else. Let me tell you something: There is someone perfect out there for EVERYONE. It's just up to you to be willing to recognize them when they come along. If you keep focusing on this closed door in front of you longing for it to open, you will never see the door open that clearly has your name written all over it. You've said it over and over in your post: YOU DESERVE BETTER. You know you do. So why are you trying to deny yourself of that? I know why. It's because you're afraid, you're insecure, you're unsure. Believe me, I've been there. Letting go of this guy and leaving him behind you will be one of the best decisions you ever make for yourself. I kid you not. It will be hard. You will be sad. You will be lonely. But you will be so much better off in a few short months. And believe me, when you're finally living your life for YOU, time flies. Then one day you'll stumble upon a guy who's absolutely smitten with you. A guy who pursues you and doesn't back down. A guy that you may not even be interested in at first until he proves to you that he's a good guy and deserves you. You'll know when you find him. Trust me. That's how I met my fiance. We've been together for over two years and have had only a handful of arguments and have never taken a break. We couldn't be happier together. My point is, once you get this guy out of your system, you will feel so much lighter and so much more driven to live for YOU, not for some guy who doesn't give a shit about you. Please take the advice of others on here to heart. Don't read it and brush it off. Most of us have been where you've been and can tell you first hand what comes out of being strong and letting go.
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A
female
reader, youngandrestless  +, writes (4 February 2011):
 honey, you already know the answer to your own question, the only real question is this: what are you going to do about it? you say he loves you, and maybe he does, but he also loves othe women. this is not right, and deep down he does not respect you. in a relationship there cannot be real love without respect. you know what you need to do, and only you can be the one to do it. you need to bring someone in your life that can help you out of this. it may be a girlfriend or a family member, someone who can keep you accountable and strong. ultimately this is your decision, and you can keep living a lie, or you can take the high ground and do whats right for you! be strong, and know that there are lots of us out here rooting for you.
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