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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: HiI have a sister who I believe has border line personality disorder.I'm not a doctor, but she seems to have all the signature traits. I want to preface what I say about her by saying she's actually a pretty smart person. She's a doctor herself and she worked pretty hard to get where she is. Since she's my older sister, I always assumed that some of her behavior (screaming at me for instance) was just something she took as a birth right. I'm a middle child and I understand the big sister/little sister dynamics, so I always chalked it up to this.The more I get to know her though, the more I think something is really off. I suggested counseling at one point after she had a spontaneous crying fit and she shrugged it off.-She can have huge mood swings and tends to see everything in high contrast. Black/white thinking: you are perfect one moment and she will sing your praises. The next day you might as well be her sworn enemy.-When she's angry she's verbally and emotionally abusive. She uses a lot of sarcasm, cursing, and sneering when she fights. -She can be very impulsive whens she makes decisions and has trouble managing her money. She has worked herself into bad financial situations in the past despite the fact she has a rather generous salary.-She has started to drink daily.-She has trouble forming close relationships with friends or lovers from what I can see. Both types of relationships tend to be high drama. They also tend to take on a kind of addictive quality; make up-break up sort of relationships where they seem to make each other totally miserable. She moved faraway from the family, basically on the other side of the country. I went to visit her this summer and I ended up leaving early after we got into a huge fight that ended up with her screaming at me in a parking lot in front of our father. It really seemed to come out of nowhere. She started into me with an ultimatum that if I continued to behave the way I did, I should leave. I was baffled. I asked her to tell me specifically what I had done to upset her. She then sneered at me and said "she shouldn't have to" and basically implied she could read my mind or that I was playing dumb.So I left. Then she basically hounded me out the door saying that my leaving was my decision and I should take responsibility for it.???The reason for the fight was pretty minor. She said I spoke to her "disrespectuflly": I didn't look at her directly and talk at the same time. We had been driving in the car and I was trying to navigate and make a phone call at the same time. This is what set it off.She later emailed me and said that I was being "competitive" with her in front of my father. I'm younger than her, but this really upset me. I told her I didn't feel that way at all. She insinuated that this was subconscious on my part. Again, she "reads" my mind. I told her I'm not angry at her, but I don't feel I can trust her.Alot of the lesser fights we had were also based on these sort of impressions about what I was thinking subconsciously. She would literally blame me for bringing "bad energy" into the house or the car...most often when I was just having a quiet moment or preoccupied with something else. It's been 6 months since I've spoken to her. She is so volatile, I'm literally afraid to call her. At the same time, I know I'm losing my sister and I don't want that.Anyone have any advice on mending a relationship with someone who has border line personality disorder?
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female
reader, lemonyliz  +, writes (4 February 2011):
These do sound like the traits of borderline personality disorder, or possibly a form of bipolar disorder. If you haven't already i would suggest reading up on the subject "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Mason Kreber (I think I might have the spelling of the author name wrong) Is a great book about coping with having a borderline in the family or a close friend/partner with borderline. This may give you tips on how to approach the issue with your sister. Other books to look into are "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" and "Lost In the Mirror" I can't remember author names on these two books but they are very helpful for understanding borderline and how to help someone afflicted with bpd without being an enabler. What I would suggest is reaching out to her in love. Really try to show her you care and gain her trust before you ever suggest therapy or treatment because getting help is always a choice that has to be made by the person needing help. She needs to acknowledge her problem and stop denying it for herself, or nothing you do will be effective. that is, unless she gets violent in which case if worse comes to worse you can forcibly get her into therapy but obviously that is an EXTREME case. Luckily with bpd there is a great new type of cognitive therapy treatment called DBT short for Dialectic Behavioral Therapy which will help her understand why she is borderline what that means and how to cope with the disorder. It has been said to be a near cure for BPD. So All hope is not lost. Sadly, people often have to hit "rock bottom" before they are willing to get the help they need. Just be strong and reach out in love and without judgement and hopefully when the time comes that she is willing to get help, you can help guide her into a program that will really help her get healthy. Good luck
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