A
male
age
30-35,
*oshua.james
writes:My wife and i recently had a bad fight. all the info about it is in a question i posted previously. I completely broke her trust. she is still with me, but not really. we haven't been intimate in over a month. she hates coming to bed unless i'm already asleep, and she would rather spend time with her friends than me. I understand it's going to take time for her to heal, but i'm having a really hard time dealing with it. i try not to let her see it, but i cry almost everyday. i havent had a good nights rest in a month. and every time i try to talk about it she gets mad and reminds me of what i did and tells me just how much she doesnt trust me. I know i did this to myself but i'm hurting so much on the inside. I don't know how much more i can take. Any advice Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (28 March 2011):
 There is a pattern in an abusive relationship and that is that one person will hit another cause that person physical pain and than cry and come back saying "I'm sorry" over and over again and than in a blink of an argument strike again. This is to common and maybe your wife wants to be sure she can trust you again. If she can't than you have to respect her decision. Continue with your anger management classes. I wish you luck!
A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (28 March 2011):
 I hope you can both move on from this difficult experience, together or apart. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, joshua.james +, writes (28 March 2011):
joshua.james is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell me and my wife are now separated. The crazy part is I'm the one who suggested it. not that she had any problem with it. I guess i just started thinking with my head rather than my heart. i hurt her once and i feel absolutely horrible about it, but she has been intentionally hurting me every day since it happened and i finally had enough. I'm still supporting her until she gets on her own feet or decides she wants to forgive me and come home. i just hope if this is the end i can some how move on
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female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (26 March 2011):
Ok, it sounds like you truely regret and are remorseful of your actions. You know how bad what you did is so I don't need to tell you. I can hear that you are shocked and disturbed by your own actions. I found your previous post. You said you are getting anger management and that is a great start. You must keep going to that for as long as it takes. You mentioned that the argument brought up something from your past that made you angry. You NEED to deal with that issue, whatever it is. If something hurts you so much that you lose control of your reason, however drunk you were(being drunk is never an excuse, you are always yourself, however drunk you get), you need to sort that out. If that cannot be done in anger management, find a professional counsellor to work through that pain, so you can let go and move on. As for your girlfriend, all you can do is give it time and be patient. You have to try to just give her space and time. She will be going through a lot of confusion over this. A lot of women would leave at the first hint of violence. She's chosen to remain with you so perhaps that shows she understands you enough to know it was a one off and that you are truely remorseful. Or perhaps she is confused but is giving you the benefit of the doub right now. All you can do is prove to her that staying with you was the right decision. And that will take TIME. Things won't be back to normal tomorrow, or in a week, or even a month. This may keep coming back to haunt you. But you have to remember you did wrong and will have to deal with the consiquences of her anger and your guilt. If you believe this girl is worth going through that struggle for then go for it and she will realise how much you love her and are truely sorry, in time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 March 2011):
 Well, fist thing I would suggest is for you to get help. And stop drinking. Drinking exacerbate that kind of behavior.
You need to show her that this is NOT going to happen again. Actions speak louder then words.
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male
reader, joshua.james +, writes (26 March 2011):
joshua.james is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni didnt't cheat on her but in my opinion what i did was worse. we got in a heated argument over something stupid. i was drunk so that didnt help matters much, but something really painful from my past was indirectly brought up and i hit her. i didn't leave any marks. i think i was just trying to push her away from me but i was drunk and can't be sure. beleive me i'm not trying to mitigate this. it is my firm opinion that any man that could put his hands on a woman isn't really a man, and i hate myself for it.The thought of losing her is more than i can possible bear so im willing to go the rest of my life trying to show her that she is safe with me and doesnt have to be scared anymore.
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A
female
reader, Adorskable +, writes (26 March 2011):
If she is still with you must be cause she loves you. I would honestly say I wouldn't be with a person who hit me. Its going to be hard for her to trust you again because she might feel scare to voice her opionion without getting hit or slammed to the wall. The best thing you can do is continue with your anger managment classes and little by little she will trust in you again. Always remember to take a breath, go for a walk, but don't ever ever strike a women.
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female
reader, msnewbeginning +, writes (25 March 2011):
 Trust is easily broken but hard too gain back. Just do not give up. Pray and take it one day at a time. When she begin to come around and forgive you, do not bring it back up if she do not want to talk about it.Don't keep dwelling on the past because the memories still remain in her mind and she may get mad all over again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 March 2011):
Trust is SO hard to regain, both for you and for her. You two need to figure out how to move forward. She shouldn't feel like "dreading" to go to bed. If she isn't able to be intimate with you ( I'm guessing you cheated?) You need to respect that. She is not ready to forgive you, even if she said she did, she really didn't. If you want to be with her YOU need to ask her WHAT you can do to show her you ARE trustworthy. You need to be open and honest to ANY questions she might have.Also, you might consider finding a marriage counselor and go that route if you two can't work it out. Seems like you two could benefit from it.I can tell you that for me personally, forgiveness took almost 2 years and the trust? I still don't fully trust. I hope to, someday, but for now I am struggling with it.
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A
female
reader, Yetilicious +, writes (25 March 2011):
 Well, I can't find your previous questions because I'm new to this site and have no idea how to. However, I'm assuming you probably cheated somewhere along the way?If that's so, well, honestly I have no acceptance for cheaters. It still baffles me how people can say they truely love someone, and then cheat on them. It just doesn't make sense to me. If I were her, I'd be gone. But she's still there and she doesn't trust you. In a way your relationship will never be the same as it was before, she's never going to trust you 100%, if you come home late, if you get a phone call or text, she's always going to have doubts, or wonder who you're talking to. If you plan or think it's possible to cheat again, just let her go and spare her the pain. If not...read further.I think you can get some of the trust back, just not all. I think a good idea, as lame as it sounds is to write her a good old fashioned letter. Tell her everything you feel, explain to her why you are sorry, how much you regret what happened, tell her what you love about her, and why you need her in your life. Then stamp and mail it to your own house, I know it sounds sort of retarded, but when she checks the mail and finds it, it will tell her that you really want things to work out. It's important for you to show her you care, don't push her to have sex, give her a kiss on the forehead or cheek before you go to sleep. Do it in the morning, maybe not EVERYDAY, but every once in awhile is nice. When you are away, call her to see how she is. Send her pics of where you are and what you're doing all the time, that way she'll know you're not in a bar hooking up with some skank. Tell her you miss her. Before she comes home from work have dinner ready for her. Try to agree on a date night where you take her out to eat or to the movies. And next time you get a hinder of a feeling to maybe cheat, don't think about yourself. Think about your wife and what it does to her/your relationship.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (25 March 2011):
What was it that you did? If you broke her trsut, you have to understand that it will take time and effort for you to win it back. It sounds like you did something that really hurt her. All you can do(without knowing more about what you did) is give her time, space and assurance of how sorry you are for what you did. Show willing to make up for the hurt you've caused her. Take her out on dates, treat her to her favourite things. Depending on what you did, it may take a lot for her to trust you again. If you did something like cheating on her, the damage might be irreparable, thats just the sad truth of it. You need trust in a relationship, without it things will just crumble apart, as you are discovering.Hang in there. It sounds like you are really sorry for what you did and really love your wife. Things may be hard for you at the moment, but if your relationship is strong and worth saving, you will get through this and have a good relationship again. Just remember why you got together in the first place and hang in there. Show her that you made an honest mistake that you are truely sorry for. If she truely loves you, in time she will com around, when the hurt heals.Good luck
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