A
female
age
30-35,
*lmo120790
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for almost 8 months. We have known each other for 8 years on and off. I had a crush on him when I was 12. We never went out or did anything until I was 19 with the exception of a drunk mini makeout session when I was 14. That is just a bit of our history. We were part of a love triangle for several months because his best friend liked me and I turned him down to be with my current boy.I am happy with 75% of our relationship. The other 25% has been magnified lately in particular. My boyfriend, while sweet, had a serious weed problem. For the first 7 months of our relationship, he was a habitual smoker (daily). He had one 3rd shift job for a few months, but it didn't last. He has been unemployed for 5/8 months we have been together, establishing havoc on my money situation because he likes to eat out. He doesn't work or apply for jobs. He filled out one application at a locksmith store where his family works and is convinced they will call him in another 2-3 weeks (it's already been 3 since the interview.) For this position he is required to pass a drug screen, so he quit about a week before the interview. He hasn't taken one yet. The sudden end of marijuana use has proven to make him very anxious and cranky. The anxiety tends to produce physical manifestations because he has Tourette Syndrome, resulting in repetitive physical tics like head nodding and blinking that end up making his neck tired and thus making him stress because of that pain too. Great. My boyfriend loves heavy, death metal, and though it's not my music of choice (Latin, R and B, hip hop/rap, and classic rock before the 80's) I am unconditionally accepting of it, including but not limited to allowing it played in the car constantly, going to concerts with him (where I ended up getting hurt because of the proximity to the mosh pit), and praising his love for learning, loudly, the songs on guitar and drums (he is good at both, it's just loud). On the contrary, particularly when I play Latin music (I am Hispanic), he is very critical to the point of being hurtful. He calls my music crap because of the pattern of instruments, the lack of harsh vocals, etc. This is particularly offensive because this music is my culture, I am always going to be a Latina. I have told him more than once how I feel. He refuses to go to any concerts with me even if I like the music and I would like to go and throws offensive fits when I play music in the car or at my house.We typically don't do things I'd like to do because of his nature to constantly think of what is in it for him. Thus, I can't really expect him to do anything fun with me because he doesn't think it will be fun FOR HIM. This means the majority of our time is spent watching Netflix in addition to me watching him play video games. He has gotten to a point where he sometimes refuses to drive me to complete errands, and tells me to illegally drive myself. A lot of the things I do, we can do together, it's just a matter of him choosing to wait in the car so he can use it against me later. The worst part of this is his constant attitude, which easily changes. I attribute it to marijuana withdrawal. Currently, my drivers license is suspended, so he drives me to work in my car and to my appointments, to the gym, etc. However, he is so resentful about having to wake up early although he doesn't put any gas in the car and he can use it and I buy him food at least once per day. He knows when he gets a job he is off the hook, it's the least he could do if he isn't working.So fine, I love a man who doesn't work, has no interest in further education, is a bit selfish with music and what we do daily, constantly wants to feel me up or do something sexual, and can sometimes be rude supposedly when outside factors upset him (i.e. When I bought him his favorite salad he looked at me and the salad all pissed off because the Internet was not working and he couldn't play the video game). This is where it gets complicated: I work for a company that dispatches technicians do to inspections, and I am the dispatcher. I dispatch 5 male technicians ranging in age of 24 to about mid-40's. We all have exchanged numbers for work purposes. However, I began noticing the frequency of my youngest technicians texts. They always included flirty things like "hey ex-gf," "that was the most beautiful thing you ever said," as a joke. I didn't see him much, but when I do he is very sweet and pokes me and stuff, looks at me in the eyes, and whispers to me like "where are you going?". It is totally obvious that he is flirting with me, so I decided to ask him. I told him to change the oil on my car and he said okay. We were planning on doing it at our work's shop, but it closed early so he told me I could bring it to his garage. I did, alone. We spent a while talking about our lives while he changed my oil and afterwards. He has been in a long distance relationship for a year and has been abstinent in the relationship. I could tell when talking to him about it he was unhappy but I couldn't understand why he stayed.So I confronted him about the flirting. At first, he tried to deny it saying that he was just friendly but I'm not a moron. Then, he casually began letting his guard down while still flirting and maintaining his stance. I texted when I left and I told him that I didn't care that he had denied the flirting because I didn't believe him. I knew he liked me, it was just a matter of him admitting it and figuring out what he needed to do. He texted back saying that he liked me and was kind of surprised I put him on the spot. We texted back and forth for a little while. This night he had a late job that lasted until 3am, when he called me and we talked for an hour and a half.Let me bring up some of the qualities of the other man:He is very nice and clearly hardworking. He is very smart and has been to school. He is a Hispanic man, like me, which means I wouldn't have to be ashamed of my music or culture. The fact that he is abstinent is really attractive nowadays. The problem is, he has a girlfriend who lives in another state that he barely sees. He and I went out to lunch yesterday, my treat, for the oil change. It's obvious I have established an emotional connection with this guy, especially since he has a lot of the qualities lacking in my boyfriend that I don't even know for sure can change. He told me that he wants to see me next week, so I definitely will. The whole first date kind of thing was a bit awkward, but it got better, and we hugged goodbye.I don't know what to do. I've almost decided to wait things out with my boyfriend to see what happens. At the same time, I am not really sure if the other guy wants to begin a new relationship or just continue the emotional affair. I just want to be 100% happy, not 75% and have to find the other 25% elsewhere. I'm pretty irked overall.
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affair, best friend, crush, drunk, exchanged numbers, flirt, has a girlfriend, long distance, money, text, the internet, video games Reply to this Question
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female
reader, elmo120790 +, writes (2 February 2013):
elmo120790 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I got married... And it wasn't to either of them LOL
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (13 February 2011):
 "I didn't see him much, but when I do he is very sweet and pokes me and stuff, looks at me in the eyes, and whispers to me like "where are you going?". It is totally obvious that he is flirting with me, so I decided to ask him. I told him to change the oil on my car and he said okay."
You aren't being honest with yourself, you are pursuing this guy. He has been flirty with you as young male coworkers tend to do if they like you, and you took the bait and are pursuing him by asking him to do something for you that is manly. That is the oldest female tactic for pursuing a guy without really pursuing him in the book.
You are justifying things by reading into his flirtation too much and saying that he must not be happy with his current relationship. You don't know that, you know nothing about his relationship and you don't care about it either.
Suit yourself, but a guy who dumps a woman for another can just as easily do that to you...I personally would back off and let him pursue you, that way you know what he wants and why, not because he thinks you are a sure bet, easy lay....etc.
He could just as easily just be looking to use you while keeping the other chica on the string.
Also keep in mind if you start something with a co-worker and it gets messy one or both of you could lose your job, then how would you pay for those traffic tickets.
How about slowing down a bit lead foot.
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A
female
reader, elmo120790 +, writes (13 February 2011):
elmo120790 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to clarify that my license is currently suspended for 2 speeding tickets I attained, one in 2008, one in 2009. I have 15 days left. The rule here is two under 21 is three months suspension. I don't feel it is valid to insinuate that I am attempting to steal my coworker because I didn't make the first move, I simply asked him whether I was misinterpreting his actions because it's not okay to act like that, and I was right. I never had the thought to consider this until I recognized this guy was hitting on me. I just feel like I am in a vulnerable spot in my relationship and this other guy is basically a reminder of the things that are pending in mine. If he was so happy with his current relationship I don't see why he would have even made a move, so to speak. Though it seems like I'm putting off ending a relationship just to have a back up one to take its place, I can assure you it is purely coincidental that this situation managed to occur as I am in the midst of this internal conflict with my boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, Worried64 +, writes (13 February 2011):
I think you need to get rid of the current BF but dont dive into a new relationship take some time for yourself take a break from relationships and realise what u would like in a man It may make ur current BF appreciate u more, it seems as u are leaning on ur work mate because he is showing u good attention which every woman loves so get your mind right and then u will know where happiness lies
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, Shelley Harris  +, writes (13 February 2011):
 Hi,It is not normal for a partner to treat you the way you have suggested, the fact that he has no respect for your time or your efforts, walks all over your feelings and has a disrespect for your culture. I was in a relationship like this and felt compelled to do everything he wanted but what I wanted wasn't important, I left eventually and now I am out of it see how badly I was treated but whilst I was there allowed this behaviour and obviously didn't think I deserved anything else. It sounds like you are experiencing something similar. I don't know if the other guy will want to have a relationship with you. But clearly the partner you have now is being emotionally abusive. I would rather be happy on my own than sick with someone else. Perhaps you need to ask yourself the same question.
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A
female
reader, Lisa206 +, writes (13 February 2011):
 Wow chica you are in a difficult place.Going out on a limb, depending on how your parents raised you, and how traditional you are, I would say probably any man that you find attractive is going to be controlling. It's natural for you to choose that type. I think what you need to do is do what it takes to get your license back. If all it takes to make you happy is being able to listen to your reggaton or cumbia or ranchero etc and drive yourself to your work and errands, then you certainly don't need a man for that. Especially not a pot head or someone else's boyfriend (even if they are far away).It's hard when you are dependent on the person you love and they don't treat you right.Build yourself up and get ready for when you can depend on yourself.Let us know what happens.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (13 February 2011):
My concern for you is that you think you have to have a man at all, like you are going to leave your current crummy boyfriend and relationship only if you have a new one in the pocket.That is very immature on your part. Break up with your boyfriend. No one is responsible for your happiness OK, and no one is ever 100% happy, ever, that's life.Why is your license suspended? DUI, too many tickets, what? Get more responsible, and take your own inventory, not someone elses. You have plenty to work on improving your own self without taking on some other guy's issues.Break up with your boyfriend because he isn't good enough for you, he is a dope fiend which is illegal and lowers his motivation in life. In short, he's a loser. Break up with him because of that not whether or not you can steal this co worker away from his LDR, which is what you are trying to do.If you like this guy, just be his friend. Don't start dating him or making out with him until he ends his relationship ON HIS OWN.Date other men. Dating is how we learn about other people and find the right person for us. We don't cast our hook in the pool of our workplace to catch a boyfriend. We date and let the guy pursue us, let the guy step up to the plate and prove to you he is a worthy person to spend your life with...you don't go setting yourself up and pursuing men, it doesn't work.
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