A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone,I'm having a bit of a crisis in my love life right now, and I've reached the point where I feel I need some impartial advice, so here goes:I'm currently going out with a girl who I've been seeing for about a month. The relationship has progressed quite quickly, and I can confidently say she's quite into me. She has told me she loves me and that she can see a future together. All this would be fine and well but I fear I'm still not over my ex girlfriend. To make matters worse my ex has indicated that she's still in love with me. I suppose now would be the time to go into a little more detail...I went out with my ex for a good year or so, during that time I must admit I fell for her harder than anyone I've previously been with (I'm 24 and have had my fair share of long term relationships). While I was with her, my father, who was living overseas, passed away. His death hit me quite hard and within a few months arguments between the ex and I had reached a pretty regular occurrence. Since I was living with her at the time, it must have been unbearable for her, and eventually she finished with me. We went on for a while meeting up and having sex, but despite my best efforts she wouldn't reconsider the break up. It's been a year or so, and we don't see each other much anymore, though we remained friends. As I previously stated, I've been with the new girl for about a month, and as soon as my ex found out she was very upset. She told me that sh'd been waiting to see a change in me back to the way I was before my father died, and that she still loved me and hadn't slept with anyone else since we broke up (which I must admit I believe). Now she says that she wants me back, but even if I split with the current girl it would take some time. She's met up with me a couple of times since and we're still very close. I ought to say at this point that my ex has some pretty complex issues, which existed before I went out with her (but got heightened probably by the way I was when I was with her). Although she is very attractive, she ha a complex about her looks and constantly compared herself throughout our relationship to the girl I was with before her (who was a glamor model). She is quite insecure and was always very suspicious of me. I think I was her first proper boyfriend (she's about 5 years younger), and something else that came about when I was with her was her issues with food. I'm a professional sportsman, and my diet is usually carefully monitored and controlled. I take a lot of care to remain at a certain bodyfat composition and I spend a lot of time at training or the gym. This rubbed off on her and she became obsessed with what she ate, blaming me for this. Although I don't feel I had ever pressured her to look any different or eat any other way than what she chose. Anyway, my present girlfriend couldn't be any more different. She's very confident, outgoing and unconcerned with what people think of her (at least outwardly). The problem lies in the fact that I just don't think I love her, and while I'm still in love with my ex I don't think I ever will. It sounds terrible, but I don't want to fall into the trap of dumping the girl I'm with for something with my ex that may never happen. I would tell my ex to back off, but the fact remains that throughout the entire time we've been split up I've longed for her back, and I don't think about much else even when i'm with the current girl. I'm very confused, and I'm not sure what to do. I cetainly like the girl i'm with, but in my mind I will never like her as much as the ex. Should I split up with her, if so how without being cruel and admitting that I've made a mistake and effectively led her on into a stiuation in which I knew she would get hurt? Should I just try an put my ex to the back of my mind and (in my eyes at least) possibly throw away a chance with the person who I feel is the love of my life? Its all very confusing for me and I'd appreciate any advice. Thanks :)
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broke up, ex girlfriend, insecure, my ex, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, TexasTexas  +, writes (8 February 2011):
Hi,I read this with heart. Are you positive that you don't have a need to accept some guilt (father) via dealing with your ex's issues?LONG term....... Do you want to deal with these blame issues in all facets of life? This is surely only the tip of the iceberg, and that is a heavy burden to bear.If you are torn between two girls, then the right thing to do (my opinion) is break up with the happy, confident, energetic sweetie you have right now. You are not "in with both feet" anyway, and it sounds like she is. If you do the right thing then you won't make this emotional burden even heavier. It will be honest and you can get yourself sorted out.The "love of your life" girl needs counselling and I think you already know that. Can you see her having and nurturing your children? Can you see her giving you a positive and fulfilling, supportive partnership? What if you lose your job; is she true teammate material? These are some things for you to think about. I've been in the exact situation (differences, of course) and I followed my heart. But I was too young to ask the truly important questions. Hope this helps.
A
female
reader, Miss sunshine  +, writes (8 February 2011):
 Hello,I am in a quite similar situation as you (split up with my ex of 2 years and a half relationship, 8 months ago and still love him very much, realizing now that he was the one). If it has been over a year you too broke up and you still have strong feelings for her it means that she is the true love of your life. This new girlfriend might truly love you but since you don't feel the same you shouldn't throw away the possibility of being again with your true love. You might never fall deeply in love with your new girlfriend and you don't want to regret letting go of your ex. You both have strong feelings for each other and apparently she has a hard time moving on with her life.Concerning the issues you should know that every couple has its problems and that eventually you will have your issues with your new relationship. Do not forget that it has only been one month you two are dating and that you don't know everything on her. You have to be sure of what you are doing so that you won't regret it afterwards when it will be late. If you want to get back with your ex that you truly love do it now before you hurt more your new girlfriend.Love is hard but it might come only one time in your path and you shouldn't let go.Hope i helped. Good luck :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPink_daisy,Whilst we were going out I did try and make things work, but with my father having just passed away it was difficult for me, because although she was very supportive, I had a lot of issues of my own to work through as a result. He lived overseas, and I spent very little time with him leading up to his death. She wasn't at the time, equipped to deal with it I don't think.I really wouldn't think much going through the rest of my life helping her work out her issues, or at least dealing with them, but the sensible side of me does see that this isn't exactly an ideal situation. I think part of my issue is that I have my heart and my head telling me two different things. With other relationships, I've not been willing to deal with baggage, and I haven't exactly been emotionally receptive, but in this case I genuinely think I put my all in, and accepted a lot more than I would have (or would do now) in the past. Thanks for your answer :)
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A
female
reader, pink_daisy +, writes (7 February 2011):
 Ask yourself this:
Did you consider your ex "the love of your life" at the time you were with her?
If so...
Why did you allow the relationship to tarnish?
And you mention how your ex has issues with insecurity (her looks, blaming her healthy eating habits on you, etc). Did you two ever fight about these issues? If so, would you want to get back into that? But if she's the love of your life, would you be okay with spending every day of the rest of your life calming her insecurities?
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