A
male
age
36-40,
*pawnuzer
writes:I will attempt to make this as short as possible, but I'd really appreciate advice on this.. I will go into detail so those who do reply can have a better grasp on the situation and the people involved. I apologise in advance in regards to the probble length of this. But I feel it is neccesary. I'm 22 years old and my GF is 23. Just a FYI. *Ahem*My longtime girlfriend of nearly three years has just asked me for "Space".. She has told me repeadidly that it is NOT a question of if she want's to continue our relationship, but that she know she want's to be with me but wants to be in a healthy emotional state and she needs time to deal with and move on from what has happened in the past. What I don't understand is how her "week or two" of space will help what we've been trying to work on for over a year. Also, up to this point, things had been going great between us.. So I thought? She's also said she want's to e-mail back and forth once a day to keep in contact. These "issues" she's refering to include body insecurities,her temper, not being able to deal with problems, and trust issues. (all regarding our relationship and her) I don't know what to do really or how to feel... I though everything was perfectly fine and had been for nearly 6 months.. How does a week or two make something better that we've been working on for over a year? Aren't couples supposed to work together on their issues? Not appart? I feel like a closet boyfriend.. Like she want's to talk to me, but on her terms and when she wants to. This "I need space to fix me" doesn't make sense to me, because the issues she can't let go haven't happened for over six months to more than two years in some cases. I just don't know what to do or how to feel.. It doesn't make sense to me and to my thinking, thing's don't add up between what she's telling me and her needing "space".*below is a account of the major issues in our relationship for those who wish to know*-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To explain "the past".. Our relationship has been very rough.. Allot of love between us but also very volitile. We've both said and did things we wished we hadn't. But can't change them now.Three months into our relationship, she stopped taking care of herself (no makeup, going out in pajamas, etc) and gained 20 lbs. in the span of a 4 weeks. I brought the subject up and asked her what was going on, went about it poorly. In turn she bacame very insecure with her body. This continued for over a year despite my reassurance, support, and many many apologies and talks about what had happened. At one point, she became very "boring" in the bedroom and was not participating. She was "doing the deed" because she felt it would keep me around and happy. Not to go into explicit detail, but "just lying there" hits the mark. Therefore I went and took care of my own needs and would watch pornography... To clarify, I DID NOT choose porn over her, or wish she looked like women in said material. Nor did it get in the way of the bedroom.. Well eventually she found out what I was doing and again felt insecure and inadequate. Not to mention some very big fights about it. The thing is she asked me to stop, and I did for a time, but later lied to her and continued watching porn to satisfy my own needs since things between us were not getting any better after seveal months.. This cycle repeated about 3 times and created a trust issue between us. I have since stopped for at least 6 months and we have accountability software on my PC for some reassurance. Also, because of our problems, we went elseware for attention.. I was flirting with two different workers (months appart) and got drunk and made out with another girl.. In regarding that last instance, my GF had told me "We're done, don't talk to me anymore, I hate you, etc etc" and by all reasonable standards broke up with me that day.. I tried talking to her to work things out but she would not have it.. Later that night I made out with somebody else. Pretty shadey.. But she broke up with me.. Not making excuses here. Those are the major issues she has with me.. Weight insecurities and trust with people and my computer. These things were over a year ago though.. And i've done everything I possiby can think of to fix them or make her feel better.. I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I don't go out.. It's just her and I. I sit at home at play Xbox and stuff when I'm not at work and we can't hang out.. She has done quite a few things as well.. Not as many, but some real doosies. To be brief. She seems incapable of talking about our problems like an adult and throws what I've done in the past in my face whenever I try to tell her she's doing something i'm not ok with.. She also leaves pretty frequently instead of sitting down and talking about dissagreements. Walks out and says hurtful things like "i'm done with this relationship." This has happened over fifty times easily and that is not an exajurration. I then have to chase after her to get her to talk and not just storm off. SHe has cheated on me once for about two weeks when our relationship was vey very rough, but did not have sex with the person. And lastly, she has lied to me about going out and not drinking.. Telling me she has been drinking fairly heavily when she's been going out. She told me this at the same time she said she needed space. There have been more things, but they are not worth typing up without a novel being published.. I'd also like to note that she has come to me and told me about all of these things she's done herself. Witch counts for something, but she has still lied and kept things from me.
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female
reader, MissKorang!  +, writes (10 November 2010):
Give her the space she asks for. But keep in touch as u do with emails and maybe text messages. But don't push to see her in person. When the 'space time' is up, meet and have a heart to heart. In the meantime while you wait, do not just sit around, find something you love to do and do it. It takes your mind off things
A
female
reader, sugarcandy +, writes (9 November 2010):
You need to take her email at face value.
Stop reading into the "i love you" and "i miss you toos" and recognize that it is what it is.
Like I said, she thinks the relationship is unhealthy and is taking a step back from the situation.
No, it won't be easy for EITHER of you - but actually, she's being the stronger person in the situation. Like she said, you can't see it now, but it will be good for you.
You two may not get back together, you have to recognize that as a succinct possibility.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): She sounds like she has a lot of issues to deal with. You may as well from the sounds of it.
Take a quiz and see if it rings true for either of you. Answer it for yourself, and then take it as if you were her.
Don't discount the results either....
http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm
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A
male
reader, Spawnuzer +, writes (9 November 2010):
Spawnuzer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the continued replies everyone.
As for an update on the situation.. I actually called her in the early hours of the morning to just ask her to explain to me what was going on so I could understand better and deal with it.. This obviously wasn't a good idea since she asked me for "space".. But I needed some clarification..
We talked for 15 minutes, and what I got out of the the conversation was that while she loves me, she is unsure if she can get over & move on from what has happened in the past, and isn't sure if she can do Us anymore. She also doesn't feel like I would ever ask her to marry her. Witch is untrue because right now (or before all this) I WOULD if I was able to.
On another note.. To one of the replies here.. I never called her fat. I asked what was going on with her because she gained allot of weight in a short time-span and stopped taking care of herself. I never actually called her "boring" in the bedroom, I told her that I felt like it was just me and she wasn't a participant in the bedroom at all. I never chose porn over her or looked at it excessively. I think she is beautiful and I'm very into her sexually, I don't wish she was anything else than what she is now. Lastly... again, SHE broke up with me that day, and I went out, got drunk, and made out with somebody else for maybe 15 seconds. I made a mistake, but cheating? I personally don't think so. Definitely a mistake & shady though.
"I don't love you anymore, I don't want to see you again. I hate you. Stop calling me. etc etc." - Hearing those things for two hours straight when your trying to talk about something is a pretty clear to me.
Moving on.. No she hasn't ever been to the doctor about going out in her PJ's. She hasn't done that in a very long time (2 years?) either. She actually takes care of herself now and has for a long time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): Hello,
After reading your post, If my boyfriend watched porn, cheated, tryed to call me fat and called me boring in the bedroom...i would need a life time of space away from him. I don't think this relationship will ever work effectively. Some people can get over things and some just cant. I think this girl needs a new lover who won't have these issues and you need someone who is "everything" you want.
Goodbye
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A
male
reader, Spawnuzer +, writes (9 November 2010):
Spawnuzer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies.. though there definitly not what I wanted to hear.
To add to the OP, she said this in a e-mail to me.
"I know where I want to be I just want to be there in a healthy emotional state. I understand hurt feelings. Just know this isn't a picnic for me either. I have some issues and I need to work them out. What I'm hoping is this time apart will cement our relationship and make it stable. It's been volatile for a long time and we have both done things and said things we shouldn't have. I myself, need some time to get over the things you have said and done and to learn to control my own temper, actions and words. I love you. This is good for us. You will see, even if you don't right now. "
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 November 2010):
 I don't think she wants to fix all the many issues weighing down your relationship in just a couple of weeks.
She is just inching her way out of the relationship.
She realizes things are not working out between you- and, wisely, wonders if they ever will. But is reluctant to just call it quits because there are strong feelings involved from both sides- and also because people are afraid to be alone after a long relationship.
I guess basically she wants to see how bad she feels without you, and if she can handle it. It's not that she stopped loving you,- but half of what you said happened between you would be enough to make the thought of giving up cross her mind repeatedly.
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A
male
reader, hiro06 +, writes (9 November 2010):
Ok I need you to sit down for this please realize what im about to tell may not be true but with most situation like this it is the true are ready.........She is seeing or is getting involved with someone else. When a girl say she needs "space" code name for I about to break up with you or I found someone else and I need time to find out, which one I want to be with. If you dont believe google "what does it mean when a girl says she needs space". Same shit happened to me the good news is while she is waiting to dump you. You can date other people with no remorse. So, get drunk and play the saddest music because when a girl say I need time space 80% of time she is gonna break up with you and in about 3-4 weeks she will be with someone else so let me know how it goes.
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A
male
reader, Spawnuzer +, writes (9 November 2010):
Spawnuzer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell. In our second e-mail to eachother, she said that she loves me and misses me.. That this isn't easy for her either and she just has issues to deal with..
Made me feel better.. But not much.
(sorry for possible double post)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): My husband sounds like your girlfriend, only worse. he gained 80 pounds after we got married - yep, 80 pounds!! He is downright obese and I find it completely disgusting. I haven't felt attracted to him in 9 years. I've been asking him to lose weight for years, and yet he never does instead he's gotten fatter. so I just "lay there" in the bedroom cos i'm so repulsed I literally can't bring myself to do anything. This in turn has led him to have serious body-image issues and depression which in turn sours our dynamic in other ways. Both of us have betrayed each other (I had an affair, he developed a porn addiction) because of the worsening relationship and unmet needs. We both have major trust issues as a result. He also - like your girlfriend - does not want to talk about problems to work them out he just leaves the room if I try to talk. This has been going on for almost 10 years. I'm ready for a divorce but in trying a last time to work things out I have been asking for just more "space" because at this point I cannot muster up the strength or patience to even want to work things out unless I can find an immediate way to lower my frustration and anger. This is why I need 'space'...I'm just telling you my story to give you an idea that I understand where this "I need space" thing is coming from. I am the one in my relationship who needs to have space and time apart while he doesn't want that he sees it as a sign of even more trouble. But I've been sticking to my guns otherwise I will go nuts I will have no choice but to divorce him to free myself from the pain. Surely, "space" is preferable to divorce?But since I can't just go out and get an apartment since we can't afford that on top of our mortgage and other bills (you be thankful that you are not entangled with your girlfriend by marriage!) instead I get my space by simply living in a different part of the house. We sleep in separate bedrooms. When we come home from work we eat dinner together then I go to my bedroom and spend most of my free time there. It sucks and is no way to live, but I NEED this space and time apart from him in order to continue to not be divorced.so what is this need for "space"? sometimes when you are just so fed up and "done" with the relationship or the other person you just don't have any energy or motivation left to deal with it. Just seeing the other person or just their mere presence makes you feel crappy. But you want to be rational and not end the relationship yet because you know that you are not thinking straight when you are full of negative energy. Thus, the "space" is a mental break from all the negative emotions that get invoked when you see your partner. It is to give your brain a respite from feeling negativity and crap, for awhile. that way hopefully you can clear your head enough to where you can then work on your problems calmly and rationally and not from a negative foundation.Yes couples need to work through problems together. But, part of working through the problems CONSTRUCTIVELY includes not pushing each other over the edge. Having space enables the partner (the one who needs the space) to experience some brief respite from all the negativity that they associate with being around you.You should be glad that she is only asking for space and not asking for a complete break up.
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A
male
reader, Spawnuzer +, writes (9 November 2010):
Spawnuzer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell.. She's said the loves me and misses me in one of the e-mails with me. Saying that this isn't easy for her either and she just has issues she needs to deal with.. That made me feel better, but still begs the question because this whole situation doesn't make sense to me.
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A
female
reader, sugarcandy +, writes (9 November 2010):
I only read the first few sentences, but I can give you your answer (I did the same to my boyfriend).
In all honesty, we ask for space to see what it would be like to not be in a relationship with you. If we're with you all the time and in a relationship that's unhealthy, we'd never be able to tell if it's actually unhealthy, or not.
"Space" is when you step back from the situation and look at it from a different angle.
If you feel relieved, and have thought everything out over the span of a few days, then you know what the answer is. Break up.
If you realize (like I do all the time) you miss the person 24 hour after you declare "space" then you know it's meant to continue on.
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