A
female
age
41-50,
*ostandfound
writes:Dear Cupid,I am smart, extremely attractive (I may even be an actress or model) very good hearted, honest person. I have been dating my current boyfriend for over 2 years. I for the most part have never even looked at another man in that time. I am funny and a romantic.My boyfriend is very handsome, well set up money wise, clever and loving. But lately we have almost nothing in common anymore.He loves 'skiing' and I don't ski. It's all he can think about and he has told me "why take vacations somewhere unless I can also ski?" I want to go to many places the don't involve his interests, but he is a bit selfish. He has never bought me a thoughtful present, last christmas he printed my present out christmas morning of something that I already was shopping for for myself and said "here I'll buy you this" when I presented him a lovely expensive wallet i had picked out and brought back from europe when his was falling apart. He hates concerts and new restaurants, I love them. BUT he loves me he supports me through everything, he will do anything to see me happy. Except, he also has the weirdest knack for making me feel like and absolute loser, and when I break down and cry after a huge argument where he was being mean, he tells me he loves me and everything will be ok. It's making me insane to feel like the problem all the time! Plus our sex levels are pitiful but it is ALL my fault.. well he has high sex drive but doesn't like to do anything romantic to start.. he just wants to f*ck.So I took a trip for a month to try and heal myself and find a way out of depression. My boyfriend gave me permission to make out with a guy if it would help me 'be the old you' and he said I could go do all these romantic things with a guy he hates doing while I was away "picnics etc". I thought that was weird, it was kinda a joke, but it wasn't.I'm out one night an a friend of a friend sees me alone not talking to anyone... He offers to get me a drink and I accept not thinking anything of it. We start chatting and before we know it we have an avalanche of things in common. I think neither of us were expecting this. He makes me laugh all night is a total gentleman, and the best part... cannot take his eyes off me. He wants to hold my hand... if I walked away to talk to a girlfriend I would look over the crowd and he would catch my eye and smile. I haven't felt that romantic in so long. He leans in to kiss me and I don't fight the first one. Feeling bad I tell him my situation, he politely backs off in public but cannot stop looking. I tell him he's better off persuing someone he can sleep with cause that's not me and still he doesn't waver.He is handsome, sweet, and sweep you off your feet material..we're talking cinderella even he castle he lives in. Prince effing charming.Me and mystery boy are the same age, my boyfriend is 9 years older. Around my boyfriend I feel like a child sometimes, around this mystery guy I just felt amazing.He pulls me into the bathroom later and we make out, my body was so alive, like butterflies and electricity and omg.I ran away, I was scared it would go too far.He tracks me down the next day, making up and excuse that he left something in my bag I was carrying for him ...to his friend. He texts "i really want to see you"Problem is he was getting on a plane for europe that same day back to his "castle" He invites me to see him, says a plane ticket can appear at my doorstep... just say the word. I refuse, I call him a playboy just looking for a good time, i give him hell.... he endures. I cannot stop talking with him, we laugh, we have even more things in common. I've only known him one night and he has thrown my life into upheaval. I cannot stop thinking of him, but I am back with my boyfriend now.... and my BF is soo sweet. He really is loving. He really wants to be with me. There is so much more. You cannot imagine..... a seemingly perfect guy who had made me feel more alive than I was even at the beginning of my relatonship with my boyfriend. And then my boyfriend stubborn frustrating and entirely different but endearing and sweet. How could I ever decide what to do??I have decided to try very hard in my relationship for next 2 months... if nothing changes I will take time away from my boyfriend to be alone. in this tim I will visit new guy to see if there is really anything there (or if he even stuck around that long) and then tke more time to think about my discoveries?So long winded I know... I'm a bit of a writer and I never feel like stories have enough flesh in them to fully understand the situation at hand. Please help me, I may have a rich man's problems but I am still loosing sleep at night and giving myself an upset stomach, my nerves are shot.... scared to lose one way or the other.Lovely Lola
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female
reader, lostandfound +, writes (11 November 2010):
lostandfound is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Everyone,
You have all been so indulgent and helpful! Thank you for your time and your sweet words. I would like to hit upon a few replies first and then some updates of my situation.
Cerberus- I cannot be sure at all about Prince Charming's ( PC hereafter) intentions. I mean that why I chose the name... cinderella's life was looking pretty grim until she got dressed up one night went out and was swept off her feet. The only real dfference is she was going out with the sole intention of meeting the prince... I was blindsided. Either way he could end up being a real jerk that was just wrapped up in the chase. I get that, hence I did everything in my power to "release the hounds" on his ass. He's been genuine thus far, I cannot trust him at all... but I also cannot condemn him, he could be a good guy. I mean a little back story on him he just got out of a 3 year relationship two months ago... which is in his favor... and also further complicates things as it means it's a horrible starting point from both our ends. But at leat he was in a LTR at some point.
TrAnCeDrHytHmeAr- I agree I cannot overlap these guys at all without creating more disaster than I am already experiencing. I've got the perfect social mogul to date if I wish, he wrote me poetry just days ago (not a huge fan of it but it was sweet I guess lol)... but I'm not interested in playing the scene at all. I wasn't really interested outside my boyfriend at all, I just knew I was unhappy, until PC came around and blew my mind. You don't seem at all a terrorist, you are quite civilized I'm sure, appearance (muscles!) aside. :)
Anonymous- Wow you certainly know how to have a good time. I love classical music and a good scrubbin in the bath :) I have also experienced a wide enough range in sexual activity (bondage anyone?) that I know how to play naughty and nice. My boyfriend has expressed to me that having a "relaxing vacation" is his idea of hell. Those are his words verbatim. I was complaining I said "babe we never go anywhere just you and I, never anywhere romantic" he said "well what about when we went to *** with ***" I said "going on vacation with your friends family doesn't count even if it is the most luxurious vacation in the world because I never really feel alone with you we are always on someone elses agenda, doing forced activities etc. Why can't we just lay by the pool and drink margaritas and pay attn to each other" he says "lay by the pool and do nothing all day? That's my idea of hell" Your vacation is so sweet and lovey... and even I couldn't go as deep into sensuality as that.. close but not that deep... but it really sucks when you know you can't even get your boyfriend to dip his toe in the water because there aren"t any extreme sports involved.
Anonymous II- I agree with everything said.
Anonymous III (top of page)- He is actually not a ski fanatic I got freaked out and didn't want too many similarities in this story so I tried to find a parallel to what he really is which is a dyed in the wool surfer ocean sports extremist. Which I believe actually limits our traveling more than skiing would. Because not only does he need ocean, he needs waves, not just any waves, perfect "overhead" like surf champion waves. eff me, I am so tired of looking at him on his computer checking the surf.... geeking out on surf videos, sand in the bed.... smelly wetsuits in the car. I want to go to India or macchu picchu, or rome... It's like "I can't surf there"
Now for the update. Had dinner with my boyfriend last night, from one of the places we eat at all the time "to go" in the dining room... like we've done a billion times. Anyways, during the whole conversation I was hoping something interesting would come up... It didn't I found my mind wandering to far off places...
It doesn't help either that I just found out a family member is stage one cancer and will need a bilateral mastectomy later this month. For some reason I have been unfortunate enough to lose people early on in life ... my brother passed a year ago, and my mom died of Breast cancer when I was 16. I watched the whole gruelsome process... my sister and I took care of her at home till the end, it's what she wanted... It was unbelievably hard. Needless to say after finding out about my stepmom last night. I've been on the verge of panic since. It's like hving post traumatic stress and being sent back into a war situation. Very uncool. I feel emotionally blank. I want answers from mother earth. what the hell is she tryin to teach me here? All I keep thinking is "are you kidding me right now? really?" My stepmom has been my only older female I can confide in since my mom passed. She has been in my life since I was 7. I'm so angry at breast cancer right now I could just explode.
Needless to say I texted PC a couple hours ago and told him I'm not doing to well. Told him I'm feeling emotionally blank, empty, tortured and that I have no time for anything outside of the necessary... I was trying to warn him that I may be a real jerk for no reason and or disappear entirely. Nothing personal but I just don't have time to "flirt" right now. Not my concern.
Boyfriend tried to give me a pep talk after I hung up the phone and was in tears.. he said she's gonna be fine and it's not so bad blah blah. I wanted to strangle him. I appreciate he was trying to soothe me but don't tell me it's fine when it's not. Ass.
I'm angry. I might just need to find my own way in the world for awhile and not give a crap about anyone but myself... and obviously my family. I may go and see PC in that time if it'll cheer me up. But it's funny how something comes along like this and makes an already emotionally guarded person just clamp up. My boyfriend was trying to tell me about a scary nightmare he had last night... he always cuts me off when I want to tell him my dreams saying "dreams aren't important they don't really happen"... so he proceeds into this long story and I was thinking "i never get this courtesy from him, this is crap!!!" and his words just turned into blah blah blah...I was cold... I said it was hardly scary cause the person lived after all in the end... my scary dreams are massacres, being raped and swimming in my own blood. He said "you are always trying t undermine me!"
I just didn't care at all. I wanted to tell him to go fly a kite.
It's looking as if my relationship will bomb for the time being... If I can convince him I need 6 months off to travel and ask mother nature what the meaning of life is, reset my emotions and maybe even my sex drive well then I'm doing it, and so be it. Maybe it'll work and maybe there really isn't anyone better out there for me than him... even Prince effing charming.
Anyways what does he care? He's planning a surf trip to Hawaii with his buddies over thanksgiving, and he didn't even ask me if I had any problem with it... until I announced last night that my idea of thanksgiving is not getting on a private jet full of models going on a surf vaca with people who are devoid of problems in their life did he ask "why not!!???" I'd rather eat a nice dinner with one normal humble person than all that ten times over.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): if 'skiing' is a euphemism for using cocaine please LEAVE your boyfriend asap.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): your man needs to learn that choosing, and delivering on the right day, at the right time, a lovingly chosen and appropriate gift is a loving thing to is the right thing to do.Tell him to get with the program. When the sensuality gene was being distributed your man missed out. Serious work is needed. Tell him to lift his game. Give him a night of pampering to show him how good foreplay is. Ask for him to do the same for you another night. If he will not i would say he is in real trouble of losing you. But at least try some things that might light some fire in his cold unsensual heart. Tell him it nit about him, it is about pleasuring you the way you like it. Also your man is in a rut. Always going to the ski places. Tell to stop being so boring. And book somewhere romantic for your next holiday without skining included.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): it does not matter if a man has lots of $ or little. That just allows him to purchase bigger toys. But your selfish man is not exactly being very good about indulging you. Seriously selfish and inexcusable on his part. That aspect shocked me. He needs to plan and learn that it is the time and effort to understand and choose the perfect gift that is part of showing his love. A late present is an insult. A picture of what he was going to get you is pathetic. This aspect needs a serious talk. He does not understand the essense of you, and he needs to learn all about that, and soon. You can't do it for him, he has to put the effort in and grow. To'demonstrate how little he knows about you i suggest you put together a written quiz for him to answer. In which he has to name your favourites. For example: Your favourite flower, colour, diamont cut, precious stone, white gold or platinum or gold or rose gold or sterling silver (bet he can't say your favourite) destination, shoe designer, architecture style, song, ballet, painting, restaurant, fruit, event, memory, teacher and why, etc. Have all the answers pre written to show him later so he gets an inkling of his ignorance of your needs. Now the next problem: I think your existing relationship needs rejuvenation and refreshment. With a sensuality night with your man. When my husband and i travel together we take one extra case for our sensuality Pleasure. Neither of us smoke and neither of us has ever used illicit drugs. Do not ever let anyone tell you to use such stupid things to enhance pleasure. You enjoy the best sensuality when your senses are not dulled with rubbish. We buy the fruit and champagne we need for our pleasure night when we get there. Customs eyes usually pop when they see what is in the case, but nothing there is illegal and nothing dangerous, and how anyone interprets what the things are for is for their imagination. I shall explain. Develop a contract for a whole weekend of sensual pleasure with your man, in which the phone, email, all forms of communication must be shut down. plan your sensual evening to be enjoyed in a place where no one will interrupt you. The contract must include that you agree (both of you) to each enjoy a night of sensuality without him rubbishing the concept at any time. And without you giving up too early to his request to just stop and let him f***k.The first night is for him to be pleasured for as long as you are willing to do it. The next night he has to pleasure you for the same length of time you gave him. If he forfeits you can decide in advance what price he will have to pay if he fails to do the same for you the next night. Have the bed made up with satin sheets or the best white sheets or black sheets - you choose what you think is most sensual. Get the most delicious (but not slutty) long side slit classic 1930s night dress in a pale colour. Wear good perfume - chanel no 5 is good. Keep your high heels on as long as you can. Set up an evening of sensuality with a sensuality table. Forget candles - hot wax can burn and an overturned candle can burn the place down. But do have some very soft (no words) classical music or what you think is sensual playing in the background. But no heavy or loud music and no human voice as it is too intrusive. I do not favor blindfolds as that ruins the visual pleasure he also needs to enjoy in all this. A table set up with peeled grapes, long feathers, ribbons to tie his hands and feet for short periods to the bedpost, silk gloves, satin gloves, velvet gloves and chainmail cold metal gloves so he never knows what to expect next. Then champagne, strawberries, caviar so he never knows what taste to expect next from your mouth. Include the KamaSutra to read to each other. Include a book of erotic poems to read together. Include a book of antique erotic drawings of couples from an earlier era in ancient history. My husband and i enjoy looking a reproduction of one with Indian couples from the Moghul period and a reproduction Chinese one, depicting couples making love 300 years ago. We dont use contemporary 21st century porn for sensual interludes as it is not sensual enough, it is often too raw and in the gutter, and is thus for other uses. Purchase or have made a tiny soft calf leather whip or similar. Not to hurt him, just for playful flicks on his posterier to encourage him. Spreadable chocolate to smear on him and lick off, iceblocks to pass back and forth while you tongue kiss until the ice melts in either your mouth or his, depending on who receives it last. Let him experience some serious foreplay and sensual pampering the first night from you. Make sure the shower area is well equipped with some wonderful shower gels that smell amazing and anything else that will pamper you in the shower during your sensual day. Have a good stack of soft towels ready. Have some moreish snacks - savoury on one tray, sweet on the other tray, in the fridge, for later. If he gets too aroused stop and go slower, and move to a different area of his body, at a different pace. Show your man what real foreplay is all about. I know this looks like he is getting all the benefits. But if he is selfish to you with foreplay after this pampering (above and below) you will know you did your best, and by his own actions, if he consistently still will not pamper you, then he will be invalidating himself out of your life. Now back to pampering: Vary how you kiss every square inch of his body, or how you touch different parts of his body. Blow on parts of his body you have wet kissed him. It will cool his skin. Kiss with your eye lashes on his most sensitive areas. Vary how and where you lick. Long slow licks. Short quick flicking licks. Spiral licks. Deliberate long continuous licks. Use your fingers, finger tips, the palm of your hand. . Vary how you rotate your massaging fingers. If you think your head and shoulders or foot massaging techiques could be improved before the night then get same done for you and remember what was done to you and how, so you can replicate it on him. The best Chinese massages for feet and head and shoulders are consistently better than western massage. Those guys just seem to have much more understanding of what, where and how to massage feet and head and shoulders really well. Now after you have fully pleasured him you can look forward to him doing the same for you the next night. Tell him you can't pamper him again like yesterday, until he's replicated what you did for him the night before. He may take some serious training before he gets it right. . He is obvious ignorant of the value of foreplay. Perhaps tell your man he is becoming like an old man, in a rut, stuck in his ways, always wanting to just go skiing. Book an exclusive island resort with your own pool and lots of spa treatment pampering. Get your guy involved in lots of sensual pampering where the couple go in together to all the treatments. Book something romantic and different, go stay in a castle in Scotland, your travel agent can work it out. But what does matter is respect. And not belittling you or trivialising what you say and do. I sincerely applaud that you did not go too far with your George Clooney look alike. The ego of some seriously attractive men leads then to enjoy the flirting and fleeting here today and gone tomorrow little fling. But they never settle down for long because the thrill of the chase excites them too much. Your Prince Charming seemed too good to be true because he was exactly that. He knew your situation but still pursued you. He should have backed off because if you ever did break up he would find out soon enough. Then he would be free to pursue you. But if you were really available he may get sick of you. Stolen fruit always tastes sweeter when it feels naughty and stolen. It's an illusion. It does not last.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): With respect to your current BF, I will just in a civil manner state that he seems to not be a good person. Now, focusing on you. You seem to be dealing with a lot of emotions and from what you write I can reasonably infer they are driving your decision making. In all honesty, this is completely human. However, I feel that youd be making a mistake if you continue down such path as emotion clouds judgment. Logically, even if you did end this relationship with ur current guy, it wouldnt hurt for you to take a little time and absorb the hits before you jump into it with your newly found gentleman. Taking time allows you to recover and analyze what has happened so that you can learn and better yourself so that you are ready and have a clear head entering your next relationship.
If you continue to see this new guy, esp while overlapping the end of your current relationship, you risk carrying some issues into the new relationship which wouldnt be fair to you or the new man. I see youre upset, I see you are frustrated...these are all normal feelings. Please be careful when making a decision based upon them. From my eyes, if you elect to proceed with the new man you need to get to know him better and be sure he is in fact genuine ( ie his words and actions are consistent).
Id try dating someone without a status in your society cause I feel money and love get easily mixed up and can throw any person off. Im not saying to go date some idiot terrorist looking hulk of a schmuck like me, Im just saying do not limit yourself as keeping your doors open to everything can help you as long as you know who to filter in and out of your life. My best to you on this miss.
TrAnCeDrHytHmeAr
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (9 November 2010):
 Your boyfriend may not have been as caring to begin with. Your problems stem from vanity and selfishness where there should have been devotion and selflessness. Instead of holding you to tell you that everything was going to be alright after a huge argument, he should have halted himself from being angry and hurtful in the first place. Instead of 'skipping' the romance and advancing straight to sex, he should have thought about romance first, sex should have been the last thing on his mind. This is not a difference in personality, this is simply your boyfriend being a hollow tyrant. But I cannot truly judge.
As for the man soaked in mystery, he seems to be completely compatible with you but, how can you be sure after such a short amount of time? I am not saying it is impossible, I am merely suggesting that you be wary of the possible negatives that may follow.
I hope that helps.
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