A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I "insulted" my husband and I think I deeply wounded his ego. He cant please me in bed and he has stopped trying to quite a while back. I told him that what he is doing isn't working. He told me he never had problems pleasing women in the past. I said that women arent going to tell you the truth, most just fake it. I am a brutally honest person and dont believe in faking a climax, however, I do enjoy being with him sexually. I felt I was being honest with him so that we could change things. He became very upset, said I insulted him, and is now giving me a brutal cold shoulder. He has insisted that I not touch him or come near him. Was it his ego that I bruised? How do I fix this? Was I wrong to say that? Help!! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (30 November 2011):
I am not sure how you thought brutal honesty was going to get you an orgasm. Unless he's incredibly blind he probably realised that you have a problem climaxing. Just because you do certainly doesn't mean the women in his past didn't have great orgasms from him. What you said, whilst in general may be true, sounds a lot more like a snide attack on your husband. It would have been much smarter to come up with some ideas, to touch you differently, etc. Having a successful sex life needs both people to join in, its more than one person being responsible for the others pleasure. Now you have added a whole heap of stress that you need to get out of the way before you will have any fun. Start with a bottle of wine followed by an apology and a suggestion that you try something different together. If you are suffering from a loss of libido then maybe a visit to the dr is an idea. Doing more exersise helps as well I think.
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male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (30 November 2011):
 Well I have waited a while before answering this question because I am not sure there is a way back for you.
The first sentence tells me everything we need to know about this situation. I "insulted" my husband.
You don't believe you did insult him, otherwise the word would not be in speechmarks. But you did, I'm afraid. And yes he is hurt, because no matter how frustrated you feel, or how vindictive or bitchy a mood you are in, hiding behind an 'I am brutally honest' statement is neither here nor there, and your attitude is almost ending your marriage.
How can he possibly feel anything for you now? The magic you had for each other is long gone, he now feels under complete pressure to 'perform', knowing that you are judging his performance in a highly critical manner. Thats not how sex should be, is it? But for him, with you, thats how it will be from now on. FOREVER. Your words are burned into his mind, he will never forget them. I doubt the man will even get a hard-on around you.
The power of words is amazing.
I dont know what to suggest except profound apologies. Even those might not be enough, you know him better than most.
Let me just spin your words, into something that he could have said to you, and then let us know how you would have felt:-
I "insulted" my wife, and I think I deeply wounded her self esteem. She can't please me in bed, and so she has stopped trying quite a while back. I told her that what she does isnt working. She told me that she has never had trouble pleasing men in the past. I told her that men just told her lies to get her into bed, they wanted to come inside her as quickly as possible, get off, go home, and add her to their list. I am a brutally honest person, and cannot lie - I prefer to jack off, rather than have intercourse, but I enjoy her clumsy attempts to arouse me. I thought I was being honest with her, so we could change things. But she got upset, said I insulted her, and now is giving me a very brutal cold shoulder. She has insisted that I not touch her or come near her. ETC .......
How would YOU feel? Let us know ...
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 November 2011):
 You got to be careful about how you criticize a man's sexual technique. If you are brutal, you'll do more than hurt his ego, you'll make him frightened to have sex and his dick won't come up any more.
Apology won't do much now. Give him as much kisses and cuddles and compliments as he can. Then if you can get him to relax and talk to you again.. show him the website http://www.sexinfo101.com/ each of you pick something position or technique you like and then go off and play.
Being brutally honest in sex is always wrong.. there are better ways to tell him what you want.
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female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (22 November 2011):
 If he is going to crawl under a rock to nurse his little male ego over something so silly, I say let him. Why feel bad? You told him the truth and it's not your problem that he is handling it like an immature child. If he cannot comprehend that different women require different techniques and that his current skill set does not work on you, that's his issue. The fact he stopped trying to please you for a while now, as you state, is a bad sign. If he is not interested in pleasing you....well, I'd say that is the real problem, not that his bruised ego.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 November 2011):
 Well as a woman who has had many many many partners and only ONE who could bring me to orgasm I get what you are saying.
the man I am with now is a lousy lover.. but he loves me so purely in so many other ways I accept it as part and parcel of my life...
his feelings are destroyed because I cannot orgasm when we have sex.... and I do not know how to fix this for him.
I make sure to tell him I want him and I want to please him and be close to him...I don't know what else to do.
you have to try to break through this hurt and anger he has now... it will be hard... you need to be open and affectionate if you want to try to save the realationship.
IF You are that unhappy however and you want to end it, this is a good springboard for that.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2011): This is for ALL of us guys to think about. Husbands are Master Love makers. Players are not. Why? Simply because of practice. Every single woman are diverse characters. This means that when it comes to sex each womans' sexual response is unique. Every individual woman can only derive pleasure & sexual satisfaction through a very specific way from a man. Therefore, every woman can never be satisfied in the same way simply because they are individuals. Thus porns' promotion for a big Winky as your master key is a flaccid fallacy. You can only really & truly as a man satisfy just one woman in your entire life. This can only be done through practise. Also being promiscuos doesn't amount to practise. You will never be good at playing in any sport if you continuosly switch sporting codes. Having said that, being a husband means that you are the ONLY man who can truly satsfy your wife & make love to her JUST the way she likes it. Is it any wonder why men & women never find sexual fulfillment in a promiscuos lifestyle?
Apologize to your husband for your bluntness. Tell him that you love him & he's the only man you want & desire. Tell him that you were wrong to criticize his performance & assure him that he can be great in bed if he is willing to respond to what you like & would like him to do to you when making love. Tell him the power to pleaure you unbelievably is in his hands. All he has to do is respond to what you desire for him to do to you.
HAVE AN AWESOME NEXT LOVEMAKING SESSION.
CHEERS.
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male
reader, anonymous420  +, writes (22 November 2011):
That will just take time he will man up. but for the future that is a touchy subject for men. i suggest next time he dosent exactly please you take a different approach new positions never hurt, or just lie and fake it.
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male
reader, Hugh.J +, writes (22 November 2011):
 Some good answers here, as usual, but I particularly liked "Odds"' mind-reader comments. A bit off-topic, but mainly for the men....have you ever had a woman go quiet on you, know something was wrong but not what? SHE won't tell you - you should KNOW! You just have to backtrack over recent events or try your ESP skills.....
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (22 November 2011):
 Yeah, you did insult him. Pretty harshly, in fact - you strongly implied that he's never been able to please a woman. Give him a little time to cool down. In the meantime, you can plan your strategy to fix things up. There's no reason your sex life and relationship can't be better after this, if you go at it right.
First, a little background. One of the things about being a man is that you're basically expected to know exactly how to please a woman, without practice and without asking her what works (actually, that "mind-reader" problem shows up in a lot of parts of our lives, whether you're a man or woman, but let's focus on how it applies here). So, whether he was with you or any past conquest, the pressure on him was to be a great performer... without ever actually getting to know the woman's unique turn-ons, or without actually going through an experimental phase, learning what works and discarding what doesn't.
It's like expecting him to know how to play the piano without taking any lessons. And really, I'm not sure whether it's women or other men who put the most pressure on men to be "naturals". The point is, it's there.
So in all likelihood, he never has asked about his technique, or even just taken mental notes about it - because he feels like if he doesn't magically know this stuff, something is wrong with him.
The solution? Every now and then, have an experimental sex session. Try out different speeds, rhythms, positions, angles, whatever else you can think of, and give each other some feedback after the fact. Learn about each other's bodies - make it a mutual thing. Don't assume you know anything (that goes for both of you), and more importantly, don't expect the other person to be a mind-reader (that *also* goes for both of you). By definition, half of all sex is below average anyway, so stop putting pressure on each other to be superstars every night and try some stuff out.
Finally, learn some tact. Honesty is a good thing, but when something like this happens and you inadvertently insult someone, take the time to figure out (or even ask them) how you could have said that better. Tactful honesty (as opposed to brutal honesty) has the advantage of actually facilitating the process of two people making each other happy, rather than just making them aware of failures. Between that and the sex, you and your husband might have a useful side project for a while.
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male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (22 November 2011):
It's not wrong to try to help a partner improve. He wasn't smart to compare you to other women. The compassionate, constructive thing for you to have said was that you aren't other women, that every woman is unique. What you actually said, well, it's just about the most devestating thing a man could hear.
To be frank, I doubt I could ever get past it. Any time I was in bed with a woman who'd said that I'd think I was getting a mercy f**k.
You said you enjoy being with him sexually. Tell him why that is. And tell him what he could do that *would* work for you. But please think about being diplomatic.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2011): "I am a brutally honest person"
are you proud of this, or admitting a defect?
"Was it his ego that I bruised?"
You think????
"Was I wrong to say that? Help!!"
Hell yes you were, unless you're trying to kill your relationship!
Ok, you've probably figured out that you screwed up and have done SERIOUS damage to the man's ego and sense of being a man. After you make a serious amends, you need to start initiating sex with him and teaching him (in a loving way) how to please you. Criticism is NOT AN ACCEPTABLE tact. Get involved, show him! When he performs, give him a BONUS- something that turns his crank and makes him want you even more.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2011): Poor bloke, no wonder he reacted. Theres being honest and theres being subtle and compassionate.You were brutally honest about him as a man, not just with you but his past conquests as well
Imagine if it was the other way round and he had told you, basically that you were rubbish in bed and probably always had been.
I dont know if its fixable to be honest, its there hanging between you and cant be taken back. You can try and entice him, flatter him, make yourself irrisistable - no mans an island. But you may have put him off you sexually for good.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2011): ok what if I have told him or gave heavy hints of what I wanted already. He doesnt seem interested in trying to please me anymore. He told me that I am very hard to please and its not worth trying for something that you know will never happen. He basically gave up on trying with me. Typically I dont mind, because I will "finish" myself off, but sometimes I would really like to enjoy it together. How do I get him to be interested in trying or at least caring if I am satisfied?
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (22 November 2011):
 I know you didn't mean it as harshly as you did but you basically said not only do you not pleasure me but you've never pleasured ANY woman, which does go beyond necessity to say. I would give him a couple of days to cool off, tell him you were out of line bringing up other relationships he's had in the past, you don't know what those relationships were like and you were overstepping just assuming that they were all disingenuous in feeling pleasure. Offer solutions, not put-downs. you need to tell him what works for you, if not what he does. show him, or teach him, or get a toy, or go to tantric sex class, do something new and 'spicey'. tell him you enjoy being intimate with him but you want to make sure you have as good of a time as he does, something like that. this should be fixable, you just have to tread lightly when it comes to talking about sexual competence.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2011): Damage done, could have been avoided but it's out there now.
You can't and should do nothing. He will have to cowboy up to his ego and maybe he will come back with what am I doing wrong. He also might not, but believe me, if he's heard it from you, he's heard it before. In other forms, but he's heard it. Let it lie with him, if he brings it up be honest but with a huge helping of love and compassion.
Plus... never ever never let it be known you talked about it online.
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