A
female
age
36-40,
*iibi
writes:Today is my boyfriend's birthday, we've been together for one month and a half (we were friends before becoming a couple). I baked a cake, bought candles, made a card, bought tons of presents, I just want to make him happy. First thing he said about his birthday: "you know, it's sad that after 5 years, it's the first time I have to wake up alone." I think he's not over his ex. Whenever I mention I have no intentions of ever leaving him because I adore him, he says I shouldn't put much hope into the relationship ("after all, my ex said the same thing and she cheated on me"). He suffers from depression and has a serious problem with alcohol. All because of this long-term relationship which ended around 8 months ago. He hasn't told all his friends that we are dating (only some of them and his family). As if, he doesn't want to make it official yet. I feel like I'm not good enough to him. His ex asked him to if he would take her back and he said no. Now, she's in a committed relationship with the other guy, and 4-month pregnant.He's my first boyfriend and I have no bagage at all, it is very difficult for me to deal with this situation. I told him we needn't be a couple if he's not ready to be in a relationship, but he said he was (which I can see is not true).I imagined having a boyfriend would be such a nice experience, having someone by your side who takes care of you and you wants to make you happy. But I find myself alone, fighting to be by the side of a person who is thinking about someone else, who is always complaining about his past. I don't get any love, and I'm not a clingy person. I'm always very anxious and suffer panic attacks. Nobody can imagine the hell I'm going through. What can I do to get him to open up to me and accept me in his heart? It's cruel because he decided to take me, if he had let me free maybe I could be dating someone who would care about me. I was a victim of domestic violence and I have been through much drama myself. I just want to lead a quiet life and be loved :(
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 April 2014):
 Then if you just want to be loved and lead a quiet life, you are with the wrong person. I agree with Anonymous 123, and, frankly, ... what did you expect ?. You mention him being an alcoholist as in passing by, an ininfluent detail like " he has red hair " or "he is a Scorpio ".
An alcoholist is someone with an addiction, and addicted people are not well known for their selflessness , care and concern for other people . They already spend a lot of time and energy battling their demons, indulging in their substance of choice, and striving to control and contain the bad physical, psychological and social effects of their addiction in their daily life.
It's not that they can't love, of course, but they will love in a self- referred way, as long as, and up to the point to, where you fit comfortably into their life at the lowest possible level of maintenance, without requiring what for them is too much attention or too much effort.
Like, you are with a dysfunctional guy, and you want a functional relationship ? Not likely. It's probably going to be all lop-sided, with one of the party giving and nurturing and protecting and mothering , basically, just like you are doing, and the other just taking it.
We can chalk it up to your inexperience, but only up to a point, I'd say. What does it mean " I thought having a boyfriend would be a nice experience ? " As if all boyfriends were the same ! It's like saying, I thought taking a vacation would be a nice experience- well, it depends where you CHOOSE to go. You'll probably find more comfortable a week in Paris in a 5 stars hotel than the same time spent sleeping in a snake infested cave in the heart of a barren desert. The things is, you CHOOSE the destination. Choose wisely and prudently, and if nevertheless you see yourself ended up in a different place from where you really wanted to be- go back home. You can only change your choices, you can't change the desert.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (25 April 2014):
 CMPP said it all.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (25 April 2014):
 "He suffers from depression and has a serious problem with alcohol"
That should've been your window! Your first real relationship with a depressive alcoholic is enough to mess up all your future relationships.
Look OP, lets just accept things the way they are, it'll be easier to put things in perspective.
You got into a relationship. Like everyone else, you naturally thought it would be fab. It wasn't. That doesn't mean you messed up or that you're "unlucky" or some such nonsense, most of us have had terrible first relationships or even worse subsequent ones. Why do you think we're all here on this website anyway, if we all didn't have some problem or the other? We came here looking for help and in the process decided to help others. Anyway, my point is, you've done enough and you just have to accept that you cant do more than that. Your B/f's depressed, he's still not over his ex and he's an alcoholic. He needs help, and not the kind of help that you can give him but professional help.
Its extremely sad that you had to suffer domestic violence and your relationship with your B/f was a way out for you. But you know what OP, sometimes not getting what you want can be a wonderful stroke of luck. Wish him well and DO NOT feel guilty about leaving him because in *NO* way are you bound to him.
You've written, "It's cruel because he decided to take me..." Let me tell you something. He hasn't decided to take you at all, you've voluntarily given yourself to him, and the fragile emotional state that he's in, he's seen you as a companion. That's it. He isnt being cruel to you, you're being cruel to yourself.
"I just want to make him happy."
"I feel like I'm not good enough to him. "
" I have no intentions of ever leaving him because I adore him"
Listen to yourself talk OP. If he had "taken" you, as you say, then he should have been the one saying all this. But he isnt, and its YOU who's doing all the work. Its not him, its you. YOU are the factor in the relationship that needs to change.
You cant do anything to make him accept you, you have to accept first that this relationship isn't working. You cant magically change anything. What you can do instead is, leave him and be alone for sometime and do some soul-searching. You have to learn to be happy with yourself first, before you try and make someone else happy. You have to be at peace with yourself first before you try to help anyone else. You *will be* loved and you *will* find love, just not with this person.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (24 April 2014):
 Chalk the cake and presents up as a nice gesture on your part.....
Then, part ways with this impossible guy, and get on with your life.....
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 April 2014):
Listen, if you want to be loved and be happy, you need to find someone who can love you and who makes you happy. Someone else.
If you try to force a relationship to work you'll just end up miserable and broken hearted. Not to mention opportunities to be with great guys pass you by.
You've only been together for a month and a half, you should be in heaven now. Take my advice and cut your losses. Leave. It's not easy, but neither is being with him!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): I think 2 things here:
1. Your BF is RUDE for constantly mentioning his ex, and especially for saying he's "alone" on his birthday, even though he's dating YOU. I agree with you--I don't think he's over his ex, and I therefore think you should break up with him and find a man who is READY for a real, healthy relationship.
2. I think you are codependent. I don't know if you've heard the term, but I know I'M codependent (and am currently reading "Codependency for dummies", thanks to a suggestion from this site.) Your post had multiple flags in it. (I just want to make him happy, I feel like I'm not good enough, etc.)
Having a BF SHOULD be a nice experience, especially in the beginning. But he's not ready, and I think you could do some work on yourself, too.
Best of luck xx
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