A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I discovered when I was 8 months pregnant that my husband of 10 years was cheating on me. I confronted him and his lover in a text message and was assured by both that it would not continue. I had several times where I caught him texting her but her assured me that they had not seen each other. He told me he loved me, been and awesome father and husband, till the baby came ( she was born on his birthday. After my parents left he became cold and distant. I have been trying to get him to open up and tell me if its her or me. He tells me its me he wants. He is hiding his phone, keys to his truck, certain bills are not coming to the house and I just saw in his phone yesterday she told him to come get his stuff. This affair has been going on since Nov and here it is April. Should I continue to wait since hes been here with me or am I wasting my time. We have 3 kids total.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have taken all your replies into consideration. We have been discussing marriage counseling. We had a long conversation the other night where he admitted to me that he has feelings for her ( Which I understand, he is not the type of man who thinks with his dick) And he told me she gave him an ultimatum either it was her or us ( Meaning me and our kids) She said she could not share him with anyone else. His reply was ( even if I left my wife and married you if she called me 20 years down the road for anything I'd give it to her) This was all in a text. We have not heard from her since. I went to my OBGYN for my 6 week postpartum appointment the other day and they proscribed me Zoloft for my panic attacks and they seem to be helping even though I just started taking them. Thank you for all your replies. Any additional advice would be appreciated.
A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (26 April 2014):
Let him go.....he is already gone. If he is treating you poorly I don't see it getting any better. As hard as it is you (and your kids) deserve better. He is never going to stop his cheating ways. He will always be on the hunt for the next one.I think you have been kind a patient. Maybe you should attend counselling for yourself. Find out what your needs are and what is important to you.Good Luck
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (25 April 2014):
 If she's telling him to come and get his stuff, then it sounds like the affair is over, though only recently.
Without recommending it, I can understand staying with him, for the time being, if you're financially dependent on him, but I would start working on a plan B. Having options is important.
You could also arm yourself with information. Find out exactly what your rights and responsibilities are in the event of a separation/divorce. Better to have it and not need it then need it and not have it.
Get your ducks in a row and always have a back up plan. And don't chase him or monitor his movements. Reinvest your energy in building a future for yourself and your children.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (24 April 2014):
 If you stay with him, the lack of trust that you have in him (and rightly so), will eat away at your soul. You will lose so much of your vital energy over this. It will eat you up like a cancer. Get to that quiet place inside yourself, maybe take a weekend to yourself and go somewhere to think about what would empower you and make you feel better about this situation. You need to be at peace with yourself when making this decision. Can you live with him, knowing he is seeing someone else? Can you detach your emotions from this? Or would you feel better starting out on your own, with your three kids? Which situation will empower you more?
From personal experience, I left my cheating bastard of an ex husband, and it was the best decision I ever made. If I had stayed with him, it would have killed me. I am happier now than I've ever been, because I feel empowered.
Do what you feel will empower you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 April 2014):
 We men are interesting creatures. We don't mind barging in to an affair..... but, when it gets found out, we become extremely good liars.... when the fact sets in, that we have screwed up enough so that that strange $-x that we got is now going to cost us dearly..... Specifically, we want to avoid having to "pay" for what we did....
That's where the "Oh, I love only you... and this tramp didn't mean a thing to me....and I was only cleaning my penis and it went off".... B/S!!!!
He's tipped his hand.... he will continue to keep you on-edge for as long as you choose to endure him..... THEN, just when you think you've got the train back on-track, he'll blind-side you with: "Oh, drat, I guess I really did love that other girl, after all..... so you are out, now...."
Get a good, badger-like lawyer and make sure that you (and the kids) get lots and lots from him when you finish this sham of a "marriage."
Good luck...
P.S. Don't worry about the kids. Children usually prove to be extremely durable in the face of childish antics perpetrated by their parents (usually, Daddy)....
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A
female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (24 April 2014):
 It's not stupidity. It's hurt pain and fear and having been there I do not judge you. But I know the pain of sex and love after infedelity. The scalding burning raw pain. I know the pain of divorce and why you fear it. I also know that for me it was worth the freedom.
Your instinct now is to protect your cubs and your relationship so that ten years are not worthless. But you know the cubs need a mama who's whole.
So my question to you is, what steps can you take towards empowering yourself today? Financially? Emotionally and sexually? So that you and the kids can move on to a life with out him and you can make space for the love you know you deserve and want to model for your kids. Never let them say that you were an example of a person who stayed and acceoted this kind of pain and humiliation.
I do not want to push you. You'll make the decision when you are ready. I respect that with 3 kids it can't be easy. But the sex and love and respect you want will only be yours post fighting for it.
It is absolutely your choice.
And to answer your question, "was it her or was it me?"
Niether.
It was him.
You can't steal a man who does not want to be stolen.
What you can do, is show him what it's like to have your spouce make love with some one else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): Why do you want to stay with him after finding indisputable evidence that he has cheated on you?
Is it the fear you can't support yourself, and your children?
You file suit in your divorce for alimony and child-support; and if you aren't working, perhaps find at least a part-time job to get yourself back into the job-market.
It is likely all assets are split down the middle; unless you signed a prenuptial agreement.
Don't stay together for the kid's sake. You'll resent him, and they'll pickup on it. You'll also be holding him, and yourself, emotional-hostage. You will not be free to get over him, and move on with your life. If he wants out, he'll either resort back to cheating; or just make your life miserable.
Don't stay to keep up appearances. People can see through the facade. You can't fake happiness. Misery shows and trying to bury your true-feelings could resurface as a physical or mental-illness. Fights will be enormous, and the pent-up hostility will make you say and do things you'll regret.
Nobody can say for certain if marriage-counseling will, or will not, save your marriage. That all depends on if you are truly capable of forgiving him, and rebuilding your trust. If he is equally-committed to saving the marriage; and will do anything within reason, and humanly possible, to save his marriage and keep his family together.
If you are totally unsure what you should do? Start with marriage-counseling to get to the route of all your marital problems. Get it all on the table. Leave no stones unturned.
You'll need the closure; because most men aren't good at discussing their feelings or opening-up emotionally.
You may be too emotional to ask the right questions; get overwhelmed with drama; or bury your head in denial.
Most couples need a mediator to keep communication from spinning off-track; or ending up in huge fights. Everyone, including the guilty-party, should have their say. The more truth you know, the more you'll know whether it is worth the trouble.
If in your gut, you're just done with the cheating sonofabitch. Lawyer-up and get a divorce underway. While the kids are so small, their limited-understanding is still to an advantage.
They'll miss daddy. He will still have his visitation and custodial-rights. All that can be worked-out.
You'd hate going through an inevitable divorce; after the children get older. That is because they are likely to act out; and they will resent both of you for breaking up the family. It may effect their emotional-development. They're schoolwork will suffer, and the emotional trauma of dealing with your court-battles will take a toll on them.
They will see what you both are going through; and it will
effect how they behave around you, and away from you. In their own way, they will try to find ways to punish you.
You are asking them to make a choice between being with you, or their father. They may not agree with the law, or a court-decision. Older-kids are able to think independently and form their own opinions. They know how to push your buttons.
Talk to your mother. You can come to us for advice; and should still seriously consider marriage-counseling.
Cover all your bases; but get your legal ducks in a row as well.
You may need the advice of the woman closest to you. One who knows your feelings, how to comfort you, and has your best interest at heart. The lady who will be totally honest with you. The one who will standby you through thick and thin.
There is also the benefit of her first-hand knowledge of your entire family-unit; and she will be your support throughout your ordeal. Of course, you will need to include your father. He will offer a different perspective. From a male's standpoint; and may also give you more insight as to how these things do happen. That is, if your own family is still intact; and you are close-nit enough to come together during such a crisis.
If you are a child of divorce; you know first-hand what a child goes through. Your mother will give you an understanding of what you should expect as a mother, and a woman. She can guide and coach you through all the tough areas. She will help you assess the pros and cons of staying within your marriage. However; you should make the final decision.
You should decide the fate of your marriage, as the victim of betrayal. He handed it over to you, when he cheated.
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