A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I normally have a really good intuition about relationships and men, but oftentimes ignore it in hopes that I am wrong. I'm sort of hoping that I'm wrong this time around, but I digress.I met with this guy about a month ago. He is older than me by 3 years, super intelligent, handsome, and hard-working. He's been in my town for a year, but travels back and forth a lot to visit friends and family. Upon first interacting with him, I knew I would grow to like him, and I did. But I've been noticing things that would entail that he doesn't necessarily like me. At least, not in the way I would hope.1. I always have to make the first move. I've already expressed that I like him, but our dates are generally affection-less unless I touch him first. Even then, our connection ends almost as quickly as it begins; he doesn't linger or do anything "just because" unless we're in the safety of his home. Even then, it's typically me making the first move.2. His texting habits suck. I've brought it up during casual conversation and he blames it on his work load. His texting is only consistent when he's home from work. During that time, he likes to keep his mind occupied--reading, listening to podcast, doing leftover work assignments--so texts are responded to but incredibly spaced out. When he is at work for the week, I can literally only expect to hear from him on a Wednesday or Thursday when he's ready to make plans with me. My friends say that if a man really likes you, he'll text you whenever he can; other say that's just not feasible to expect that type of attention all the time, especially from older men. I do notice that he rarely picks up his phone while we're out, however, so I don't think he's talking to other women.3. He's been putting off having sex with me. He mentioned twice that he has only performed sex on two women; The first being is girlfriend of 8 years, and the second a close friend. I told him I understand, and I'm not with him to rush anything. But I'm wondering if it's because he truly wishes to take his time with me or if it's because he doesn't see himself committing. We do other things, however.4. Literally I've only spent time with him during the evening/night. I've been trying to get him to come out during the day, but his job keeps him very occupied until the evening. All of our dates have been dinner and drinks because of this, and we usually end up drunk at his. I recently spent the night and got breakfast with him, then asked if he wanted to spend a little bit more time outside to enjoy the weather. He initially said yes, but then decided last minute that he was tired, and wanted to go home to take a nap instead.5. He only confesses certain things to me while under the influence. The first time he said he liked me was while drunk and the only time he opened up about personal matters was while drunk. After he got into it, he said, "Wow, too deep of a conversation, huh?" I assured him that I liked this side of him, but thought it was a shame that he had to be intoxicated in order to share his feelings.There are other things, but these are the major issues that have been bothering me. I have been dating other men, but this the one I really like and I genuinely enjoy his company. I'm just afraid that I'm letting my emotions get in the way. I've done this before and ended up badly hurt in a previous relationship, and I really don't want that to happen again. I promised myself I will see the red flags once they appeared and take heed, but I also don't want to ruin something that could be because I'm rushing things and making expectations on a man I've just met. We have plans to see each other again soon, but I may just nip it in the bud if my suspicions are correct.
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at work, drunk, move on, older men, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 February 2017):
 Honestly I wouldn't waste your time any longer, he just does not seem interested in you enough to pursue it. He would find time to write to you if he was really interested. Maybe he just doesn't know how to let you down, or maybe he just wants someone to date casually. Either way I have a feeling you might get hurt if you continue to see him.
A
female
reader, Campari Milano  +, writes (26 February 2017):
You are saying the things we've all said a millon times when we really like someone but they are not reciprocating.
Stop doing this to yourself! There is a man who wants to treat you like a queen, and make you feel like the most beautiful woman on earth!(I have had a couple, not currently!) But being single is better than kidding yourself!
All you are showing him is either that he is a god, or that you don't have enough self respect to know when you are being taken for a ride!
I don't mean to be harsh, but actually I do! I've been there. We've all been there. Half of the posts on this site are women who should be treated better!
It's so easy to say, I have been a fool so many times.
CUT HIM LOOSE!!!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2017): In such situations I'd find it difficult to *decide* it's time to just let it go too.
"She is just not that into you"/"She is not interested in you in that way" would just not satisfy me.
Only he can know for sure whether he is interested or not. From your standpoint, don't make it about being 200% certain that he is genuinely not interested; instead, make it a decision-making process, i.e. *your* decision based on the best information you have at your disposal at this point in time.
This way, you can rest assured that afterwards you'll know you need not have regrets even if walking away is not what you had wished for. That's Maturity.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 February 2017):
 He's really not that into you. But he's a good guy so he does not want to hurt your feelings.
The best thing to do is let him take the lead. Sit and wait for him to contact you. Do not call him. Do not text him. IF he gets in touch with you let him lead the conversation and do not ask to see him.
You are doing all the work to make this relationship work. IF feels off because it is. It feels uncomfortable because you are making all sorts of excuses and explanations as to why it is going the way it is when the truth is...he's just a nice guy who does not want to hurt your feelings but is not really interested in you the way you want him to be.
Sorry.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 February 2017):
 ... He's just not that into you (:
If he is relatively new in your town ( one year ) , and swamped with work and personal committments, it makes sense thar he may not have , or wish he had, time and energy to meet someone for a relationship ,and he is contenet with somebody he is not crazy about ,but can fit in his busy schedule and spend some time occasionally ( when he does not go to see his " real " friends home ). I am not saying that he necessarily must be a jerk- he just seems to signal that he is doing " hanging out " or " relationship light " without the need ot desire for any deeper involvement.
Very telltale the sex thing : Come on, he is postponing because he only had 2 partners ?... Heck he was with one of them for 8 years !, you suppose he must have got the hang of it in that time; we cannot explain his reluctance or prudence with shyness or insecurity.
We could explain it though, if he has scruples, with the fact that does not want to lead you on, and does not want you to get more attached than you should , or read any big thing in the fact of having intercourse , as women are often inclined to do. Or, if he has no such scruples - anyways he gets his sexual needs met ( you do " other things " when you go to see him ) and, not being particularly attracted to you , nor interested in impressing you / fulfilling your needs / rocking your world, he can easily leave things as they are without further steps to intimacy.
He sounds rather lukewarm toward you ; I am not saying mean, or a jerk or anything, just lukewarm. Unluckily it sounds that you are into him more than viceversa, so , if you want something more mutual and passionate, probably it won't come from him.
If you instead can stay in the moment, accept and enjoy what you have for what it is and as it is, and keep in check your romantic leanings, then keep seeing him - unless , or , until something better comes along.
Ref. his texting habits though, your friends are damn wrong, and this is no generational biase due to my pre-texting date of birth. Quite simply, people at work... are paid to work, not to cultivate their social / love life !. Isn't that intuitive ?! Texting your friends from the workplace, unless it is an emergency, or a quick , once - in - a - blue - moon thing , is a big, inconsiderate, shameless " up yours ! " to your company / boss / clients.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 February 2017):
 OK, I have to agree with Wise and Anonymous 123, I don't see MAJOR red flags, just a guy who ISN'T into you as much as you are into him.
1. YOU make ALL the effort to keep communication going - unless it's to make plans. So basically he doesn't want to talk to you unless it's to plan to DO something together. Doesn't even sound like a friendship. More like you are an option to prevent boredom. Having someone, anyone to do stuff with on days off.
2. He shouldn't HAVE to text you if he is busy at work. I know it's getting to be the norm these days that people are busier texting, posting to social media, taking selfies rather than focus on WORK during the work hours.
3. He has put off sex because he DOESN'T want to use you. Which means he is probably a good guy who knows that if he involves sex, YOU will want more from him. Something he ISN'T willing to give. Be it relationship or commitment. OR he isn't sure he WANTS to have sex with you so soon IF at all.
4. He spends evenings drinking with you and spends the night and the FIRST thing he wants to do the next day is NAP - not spend further time with you. If he was interested in MORE with you, HE would RATHER go DO things with you being tired, than just nap.
5. He ONLY confesses feelings when drunk. Becuase when drunk it "feels" right for him. And he can ALWAYS make light of it or take it back when sober. Some people get a little lovey dovey when drunk because the buzz from the alcohol is making them feel mellow and affectionate. IF he can't and doesn't say it when SOBER - don't depend on it.
You can't MAKE him want to date you. And I don't see him really WANT to get romantically involved. HE is happy to have a woman (you) who isn't DEMANDING anything from him whom he can hang with, in an AFFECTIONATE but PLATONIC way.
YOU want more, he isn't willing to step it up.
SO IF you are looking for a BF... HE isn't it.
And you are WAY too deep in the analyzing of this ONE MONTH friendship.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (21 February 2017):
 Sorry OP but he's not interested in you. Maybe he's trying to be but it's just not coming from within... because it wasn't there in the first place.
If a man likes you then he will go out of his way to be with you, to spend time with you, to woo you, to do anything that it takes to make sure that his romantic intentions are obvious.
This man seems to be doing the exact opposite. He's a good guy as he's not taking advantage of your feelings for him by having sex with you because he knows that be won't be doing justice to you. He isn't touchy feely for the same reason...It doesn't come from within and he doesn't want to lead you on.
Sorry but it doesn't seem that it'll go anywhere. So far you're a friend who likes him a bit too much and he's going along somewhat because either there's nothing better to do or he started off thinking there might be something but now he doesn't know how to get out of it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2017): I see no red-flags. Red-flags are bad behavior. I see a man who just doesn't seem interested in you romantically. He's not that into you and/or he is emotionally-unavailable.
It's a sure sign someone is not into you when they seldom get in-contact, and you always have to initiate things. He is avoiding any commitment or romantic involvement by avoiding sex and not offering any affection.
He enjoys spending whatever time he can with you; but I think you're in the friend-zone. Yes, even men can do that. Barring the possibility he's holding back something and that could be that's he's gay; or in the closet. He made a lame excuse he had sex only a few times and it was way back when.
I don't recommend you go down that lane with him; because that's pure speculation. He will deny it or take extreme offense. Just because a man doesn't want you romantically or show sexual-attraction doesn't make him automatically gay. That conclusion may be a cruel or vindictive face-saver for some women; but it is a dangerous assumption without solid evidence. Bruised-egos and rejection brings out the worst in some folks.
I think it's safe enough to accept that he is not interested in you romantically, for whatever reason. Take it for what that's worth.
Your best option is to stop trying to force a romance. Another is to cool-down and just enjoy his company and date other guys. He's made no overtures to the effect he wants to be your boyfriend. So stop trying.
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