A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I would appreciate some outside perspective on the situation I'm currently dealing with.I started dating someone last year that I had known for about 10 years though granted we were mostly only acquaintances during that time with limited interactions.I fell head over heels for him, he was charming and funny and made me feel things no other guy had. I was excited and passionate and he seemed the exact same about me. A couple months into the relationship we started arguing over how he chose to spend his time. He always chose something or someone else over me and expected me to be ok with it. I felt like I was the only one putting in effort and before I knew it we were broken up. He said he just couldn't give the time to the relationship and cared about me but had too much going on. He said he didn't want to be with anyone else and just wanted to focus on his family and career. We're now going on about 7 months post breakup and it has been on and off (mostly off) but it's always because he comes back and being not so smart, I take him back. There was an issue with him having a dating profile a few months ago and I told him I was done talking to him or having any interaction for as long as he wanted it up. I told him I respected his right to do whatever with whoever but that I didn't want any part of it. He claimed it was his friends doing and they did it as a joke. I never believed that.We have bad fights that often end up with me in tears. I went to visit him in his new place 3 weeks ago. He made multiple comments insinuating I'm embarrassing to him and doesn't want his friends knowing I'm back in his life. I bought him some house warming type gifts that I knew he needed and had cooked him a nice meal for when he came home from work. He yelled at me for all of this and told me he didn't want any of it. The weekend ending with him telling me to leave him alone and he didn't want to do this anymore.Amazingly, a couple days later he started texting me again and reaching out asking how my day was. I never once initiated any conversation and kept my distance because I'm so tired of being pulled back in only to be thrown away like trash.I recently found him back on the dating site. When I screenshotted and texted it to him, I said I didn't want to talk anymore and that I'm tired of him not being able to own up to it. I know for a fact it's him based on the location of where the app shows him (he lives 2 miles from me at our parents house). Again he claimed its not him and sent me a picture trying to prove he was at work. He very foolishly left the date on the picture and it was from a month ago.. When I called him out on that he said it would be for the best to block my number. I told him to do whatever he wants and that I'm done taking him back. My problem is that I've set up a pattern of being used and thrown away. I allowed him to treat me like this for 7 months while he does who knows what with other girls. I pointed out to him he's the one that always comes back, it's not me. But I take him back hoping things will be different. Why am I so desperate that I willingly take back a liar and someone who treats me so poorly when I know he's not up to my standards? How can I break this pattern once and for all without feeling like I'm missing out on something when I tell him no?
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female
reader, Campari Milano  +, writes (26 February 2017):
Just keep reminding yourself that once you cut him loose, he will find some other fool to be the new you.
Have you ever heard the expression 'It's better to have loved and lost, than live with a psychopath all your life!'
This applies to you, if only because he is wasting your f***ing time and energy! You are disillusioned and hoping that we can give you the magic wand to get this guy out of your head and stop you from making the same mistakes over and over again.
Mistakes we've all made. I have the scars, t-shirts and matching luggage to prove it.
It has to be you. You are the only one who can do this. Move forward and have the life you want. Being single is better than this
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 February 2017):
 Sounds like you are "addicted" to drama. You KNOW he is NOT going to change and treat you as you deserve, yet you continue to talk to him and LET him jerk you around.
Do you think if there is a lot of drama there MUST be a lot of passion too? If so you are mistaken. Drama doesn't equal love or passion.
This is YOUR life. Is THAT how you want to live it? Being this guy's doormat?
Or is it that you think it's easier dealing with this creep than focus on you, making your life what YOU want it to be? Easier to claim that HE is holding you back when it really IS you?
Take responsibility for YOUR own actions. YOU are LETTING him treat you this way. If you don't really WANT that - you KNOW what to do. CUT him out of your life.
Or you can continue and suddenly find yourself in your late 30's with nothing to show for. Feeling like you wasted your 20's and missing out on a happy healthy relationship.
The choice? It's yours.
He isn't "just" doing this TO you. YOU are doing it to yourself.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 February 2017):
 " Why am I so desperate... ": Wrong question ( unless it is a rhetorical question , a " why oh why " to vent your frustration ).
Who knows why. Maybe you have a low self- esteem. Maybe you are terrorized by being alone, i.e partnerless. Maybe you had abusive or neglectful parents and now for you " love " comes enmeshed with " hurt " and " indifference ": Maybe he was just so good in bed, that sex became addictive ! :).
There could be many reasons. You can get counseling to figure this out , if you wish, but in the meantime, while you figure things out- life is simpler than you'd think : just do the " how ", not the why. Just do it. Decide that he is out of your life , and act consequentlu.
Block him from social media , on your phone and e-mail. ( Lucky for you, he does not seem so bothered that he may come and look for you at home or at work ).
Come on, you know it. If you are really mad at someone ( with good cause too, in your case ), if you are seriously fed up with them, you don't go and announce " Now, I am not going to talk to you anymore ... "; you just STOP talking to them, no warning, no apologies, no explanations.
Why dragging the drama on with arguments about the dating site, teh screenshots etc. etc. ?? You know he is on a dating site, you know he is a liar and a prick, and you know that he is not that into you . What more needs to be said between you ? Do you want to win your point in an argument, - or do you want to get rid of his toxuc, poisonous influence ?.
You need to go cold turkey. And no, you can't break the pattern without feeling like you are missing out on something. It's like asking, how can I quit smoking without feeling any craving for cigarettes. You can't; you have to grin and bear. It's temporary ! It will go away eventually ! You tolerate the discomfort ( which at times can be a huge, challenge, like any ex smoker knows ) in the Assurance that you are working for your happiness, mental health and self respect. Three things way more precious and necessary that any lover ( and an on/ off one, as for that ).
You can do it. Seriously. You just need to decide for real that you want no part of this mess, and then to show it ( to yourself, first of all ) through your actions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2017): Cold-turkey is the only way to break his grip. Stop responding to messages, block his number, and stop offering yourself up to be thrown away. Don't stalk him on social media and go trolling online for his dating profiles.
That's so pathetically lame, sister! Seriously?!!
No one can tell you how, it's something you have to do yourself. You implement self-control and override your sense of entitlement.
Smash the needy-greedy self-pity panic-button. Stop pushing it. You're worried that he's going to other women to satisfy his needs; and he's playing that card against you. No penis is that good, girlfriend! You might also want to kill the drama queen. She's the lady behind the curtain pushing all your other emotional control-levers. Making you a hot mess!
You are caught-up in the drama and the repetitive-cycle of on and off. You treat him like an addiction. You've got to convince yourself he's bad for you; even if you have to repeat that affirmation to yourself several times a day. Take a lipstick and write it on the bathroom mirror: "Let him go!" Tack a note on the fridge with a magnet: "Let him go!" Make a screen-saver on your lap-top and tablet: "Let him go!"
Oh...post a sign over the head-board: "No booty-calls allowed!!!"
The point is to convince your subconscious-mind that it is completely over; and there is no hope of things ever getting better being with him. Otherwise; false-hope will whisper lies to you that maybe things will be different next-time.
Several failed-attempts at reconciliation have proven time and time again, there is no hope. The guy is just using you, playing on your feelings when he gets lonely; and when he isn't getting any hits on his dating profile. You stroke his ego, and make him feel wanted. Not to mention sex on-demand.
He's also worried you will find sex and affection from other guys on the rebound. His male-ego is at play, and he's doing all the cock-blocking he can to protect his own selfish-pride. Stirring-up your residual-feelings, and reeling your limp emotionally-exhausted body back into the loop. Giving you another fix until he's tired of you, and gets a few hits on his dating profile.
Combine this with all the other advice you'll get, and you'll be over him in no time.
Good luck, sweetheart!
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