A
female
age
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*imeclock
writes:I want to know if I am normal. I have been involved with an alcoholic on/of for ten years. I miss him deeply, like I am vexed. My mind knows the truth but my heart can not get the message. I weigh out the cons but the love I feel and felt outweighs it all every time. Every day , I wait for an apology from the last horrific episode that involved verbal abuse on my 22 year old daughter. He does not see his behavior was out of line. We have attempted brief chats. he told me I broke his heart and ruined his life yet he has moved on and claims he has stopped drinking for his sonand his ex girlfriend who is a chronic alcoholic moved in with him because she had no where to go . I astruggle with where is his compassion for me? why can t I let go. I have bee n to counseling. I pray continuously for god's will to be done and I still have hope he will become clean and sober and we at least are together peacefully where we belong.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 February 2017):
 If you love an alcoholic whether he is in recovery or not you should be attending Al-anon meetings.
http://al-anon.org/home
Alanon helped me tremendously. I am married to a violent alcoholic. The last time he was violent he was arrested and I insisted that he make a choice. Alcohol or me. I was willing to be without him. You can't make that demand unless you are willing to carry it out. My husband went to rehab and over 2 years later is still 100% sober. We still have issues but we are working on them.
He gave up his first love (alcohol) for me. I was more than willing to then make the effort back.
IF this man you love does not treat you the way you deserve now, and he is in recovery (as he says) then there is not much you can do.
You cannot control him. You cannot make choices for him and you should not live your life for him.
Use the link posted and find a local alanon group and attend the meetings and do the readings. It's hard work but it's worth it.
IF the first group you attend does not feel like a good fit keep looking till you find a group you like then find a sponsor and do the work to do the steps. As you work the steps and get healthy for yourself you will find making the decision about how to deal with your alcoholic (who even if he is in recovery is still an alcoholic) easier.
best of luck.
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (21 February 2017):
 I was married to an alcoholic. It isn't a pretty life or a happy one and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. When you love someone, you don't want to believe that they don't want to help themself. You want to think that one day they will turn around and be that person that you think they should be. Sadly, an alcoholic lives to drink, and booze is their God. Nothing else matter to them at the end of the day except having their alcohol.
My ex husband drank so heavily that he wound up in a nursing home dying of cirrhosis of the liver. He had pushed so hard that he was beyond the point of no return. The doctors gave hi weeks to live, said there was nothing they could do. He was yellow, bloated and having seizures because his body was shutting down. Everyone gave him up for dead. I don't know what else to call it, but a miracle happened. Somehow he didn't die. He was in a nursing home for a year and he got better. Enough to get released. You would have thought "He beat the odds!" Very few people can come back from that type of a diagnosis. Guess what? Within weeks of getting out, he was right back to drinking a 1/5 of vodka a night....Miracle? Yes, I believe it was. Did he think so? He didn't care. AT ALL...that was 10 years ago and he's still alive, still drinking every day, looking like shit and treating anyone around him like shit. He's an idiot.
STOP thinking you can change him, or that he's going to magically quit. He won't. He can't. And guess what? From what you say, he doesn't want to! There comes a point when you have to give up and let an alcoholic hit bottom. Until they care...you can't care either or it can/will destroy you.
He lets his ex live with him because she accepts him as he is, or just doesn't give a damn. That's all that is. Care about YOU...and let him go. He may NEVER give up drinking. My ex will drink till the day he dies. He says so. I believe him. That's why he's my EX.
It comes down to YOU caring about YOU. I hope you understand what I'm saying. He doesn't care about you or anyone else because he can't. My ex husband should have been kissing the ground that he walks on, singing praises and being happy to have survived something so terrible but he wasn't one bit greatful. He was given a second chance at life and is just pissing it away. Alcohol is his God. I find it incredibly sad and disgusting beyond belief to throw away a second chance at life. Again, never expect anything from an alcoholic. They can't give you anything but lies and empty promises. You deserve better.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 February 2017):
 It is difficult to answer you with a yes or no, because basically you want to know if it is normal to believe in miracles.
You have been dealing for the past 10 years with a raging alcoholist who does not love you and does not love himself. You want him to just wake up one morning and decide that he wants to make a 180° turnaround in his life, and also decide that he does love you.
A miracle.
So, people who are waiting for a miracle are normal or are they just delusional ?
Who knows. Miracles are very rare, very unusual. And yet, some times they do happen. People who escapes untact from horrific accidents, people who heals from incurable illnesses...
My advice is practical, then :
It takes a lot of strength, a lot of faith, a lot of coyarge, a lot of passion to believe in a miracle. Keep all these latent resources that you may have hidden in you for when and if ( hopefully never !, of course ) or your dear ones should really need it. For when and if you or your dear ones should find yourself in some really desperate predicament, some life or death situation-
As of now, your emotional and mental energies are wasted in hoping / waiting for a solution to this problem, which is not your problem if you do not make it yours. And God and the Universe have ALREADY manifested their will . Do you things that God or a benevolent Universe or whatever spiritual entity that regulates our life wants for you a lifetime of humilation and neglect ?... I think they'd spare you this and they'want something better for you .... if you only allowed it, and weren't so stuck on this idea that YOUR happiness depends upon this bozo's alcoholic moods.
It does not. It's a pity that he does not want voluntarily change and improve his life, but it is HIS life, and his choice, then so be it. In the meantime, you do take care of YOUR life, and health, and happiness- which all benefir greatly from staying away from codependent, toxic relationships.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 February 2017):
 Do you accept the blame he puts on you? That it's all your fault? I really hope you don't. Because it's NOT your fault. WE ALL have to live with the choices we make.
If he quit drinking for his son, good. Maybe you DID have a positive influence on him. Even if he gives you no credit and you don't NEED this credit either. My guess is, he probably hasn't stopped drinking, especially if he is living with another alcoholic. But that is what he has chosen to tell you. Again I'd guess he hopes it would hurt your feelings that he didn't stop drinking for you.
1. OP, you can wait til Kindom come for that apology, it's not going to happen. Because he doesn't ACCEPT responsibility for his actions. THAT is why he also put ALL the blame for his "broken heart" and "ruined" his life on you. FACTS ARE, he ruined his OWN life with the drinking and not seeking help.
2. CUT the contact. You two are toxic together. He has you believing all kind of CRAP.You can't rescue this man from himself and his own personal "demons". The LONGER you keep him around and keep contact, the longer it will be before you can live the life you want.
3. Have you considered that God's will is for you to move on too? FOR you to find happiness WITHOUT this man? While I don't believe ANYONE but ourselves are responsible for the lives we live, I think, it is presumptuous that you think you can make "demands" to your God on what YOU want to happen, when that MAY NOT be your path.
4. Wishing that he will become clean and sober is good. But don't wish if for YOUR sake - wish it for his.
5. LOVE is not a fix or cure. You have spent 10 YEARS loving this man and has really gotten nowhere. TIME to accept that it is NOT meant to be.
6. He isn't living with this ex-gf because she had nowhere else to go. Those two are undoubtful two peas in a pod. She doesn't make him feel bad about drinking. He can live in DENIAL with her. Something he couldn't with you.
7. You sound like a caring person, so maybe you need to find another way to be helpful in the world. Talk to your pastor or maybe volunteer at your church.
Sometimes what we WANT and what we NEED isn't the same thing. What you WANT is to "fix" him and live happily ever after with him - but that is not realistic and I think NOT what you need. What you NEED is to find peace from this chaotic and toxic relationship that THANKFULLY is over. Focus on yourself and your daughter. This ex-bf has to find HIS own way now.
YOU can not "fix" everyone. You can not "wish" for things and think that will make everything alright.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (21 February 2017):
 "He does not see his behavior was out of line" - that's why he won't really change.
Please seek therapy because he was no good for you. You don't belong together and you need to understand that. God can't tell you to let go of him, but a therapist can help you work on it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (21 February 2017):
 You have already waited for this man to change for 10 years. Are you going to wait another 10 years? Or more? Because I promise you, unless HE wants to change (and gets help to do so), NOTHING will change and YOU will carry on paying the price for his addiction.
You MAY love this man and, in his own way, he MAY love you, but you have to understand he loves ALCOHOL more than you, more than anything. He even blames YOU, not alcohol, for the state of his life.
Come on, sweetheart. Do you not think you deserve better? Certainly your daughter does not deserve to be abused by him.
I don't believe for one minute he has just given up drinking, especially if his alcoholic ex has moved back in with him. Do you really think he will stay sober if she is drinking around him?
You have already wasted 10 years of your life on this man. I wonder why you think you are not worth better?
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