A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok,I need some advice. I've been to ashamed to share this with family or friends yet. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now. I'm 28 and he's 26.I found out recently almost by accident that before he started dating me he was involved with a 14 going on 15 year old girl....I was shocked. Also it wasn't a case of him not knowing what age she was.....they are from the same town and know each others families. Although I don't know if either family know about the relationship. I'm devastated. I feel sick about this.....he has changed completely in my eyes. I feel he has taken advantage of a child basically. I haven't spoken to him in 2 weeks since I found out about this. I don't know what to do. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your advice and support. Its been a lifeline. I've decided to walk away forever....I'm not meeting him, I sent an email explaining why we could never be together again. I don't think he will put up much of a fight as he knows I know everything....and on some level I hope knows he can't ever condone what he did.
I'm sad and a little heartbroken,I thought he was a different person......but I also feel blessed that by chance this information came my way.....before we'd possibly moved in together,or even had kids!!!!
I've been thinking a lot was there any clues? And when I look back now there were a few things he said or did I thought were a little strange...nothing outrageous...but still odd. And sometimes I did get this gut feeling that there was more going on with him then he was showing. Thank you so much again for helping.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 You are right to feel sick about this. This guy is bad news. Trust me, breaking up with him will be the wisest thing you can do. He's not worth even a second of your thoughts. Move on, get it out of your system, don't even bother contacting him again. He can try justifying this in a million ways, but the truth is, he was a 25 year old man, involved with a 14 year old school going child. Unacceptable, sick, disgusting, creepy.
I know that in today's day and age kids grow up faster and a 14 year old girl probably looks, talks and behaves like an 18 or 19 year old, but the truth is, she was grossly underage, he knew it and yet chose to be with her. Even if the girl wasn't mature enough to take a decision, he should have. He was eleven years older to her, where on earth was his rationality?
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female
reader, Livejust2bJess  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 I know what it's like to be that 14 year old girl....it makes you feel nasty, gross, used, and like its your fault even though its not. you need to report him, but probably do it anonymously. Then go get a restraning order against him. Don't try to ever contact him whats so ever. there are programs out there that can and will help that girl get through it. It's just sad and strange how people think sometimes.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (14 October 2011):
 PS
He should be HISTORY to you. Not even deserving of a farewell. Say good bye in your heart. Go no contact.
You deserve better than him. And allow no "closure" meeting. He does not deserve it.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (14 October 2011):
Please protect the privacy of this child by only contacting the authorities, so that the child can get the right support from the outset. Privacy is essential to protect the identity of the child. Counselling can be arranged respectfully for the child the right way. And the child can be assured by a very respectful diplomatic counsellor that is is NOT the fault of the child at all. Never should this happen to a child.Some people make it much worse for the child by making a big noise, identifying the accused person, pointing the finger at the abuser, and thus often identifying the child. That is wrong. When ill-informed people do it the wrong way then the already abused child is made more vulnerable. The Child is the innocent one. Certainly the child will need a lot of help and assuring by a professional counsellor that child is NOT to blame. The child is not to blame. Often well meaning but stupid family members can often make it worse if they all try to "protect" the child and gossip about what they think is the best solution to "protect" the child. Their Ignorance can be a danger to the child. And identify the abuser to all and sundry. Not the smart way to do it.The authorities will know the right way. The child needs to be kept safe. If you contact the parents first you may make it worse. The parents too may blame themselves. They too may need counselling so they can best support their child. Please do not contact the parents.It is very good that you have not discussed it with others yet. The proper Authorities need to step in and do things the right way to protect this child and protect the identity of the child. They will follow through with the rest. For the sake of the child please refrain from sharing the abuse you discovered with family and friends, as that could allow the identity of the child to be known to more people. Thereby stigmatising an Innocent child even more.Also do not confront the abuser as he may attempt to cajole the child to "keep their secret"Good thing you discovered what he is. Good if you avoid him for ever more.He will get to discuss it with the authorities. This is too big a problem for anyone but the proper authorities, to step in and always do it the right way, for the sake of an innocent child.
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reader, cmarieky +, writes (14 October 2011):
Whether this happen five days ago or five years ago he needs to be put away for that crime with the young girl. If you don't report him he will continue on to other underage girls. If you were or are a parent wouldn't you want his sick ass caged away. No redemption here. Report this sick bitch.
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reader, ShiShisAdvice +, writes (14 October 2011):
 Pass on this guy, he's a predator. Not worth the heartache, and you will NEVER trust any of your teen family/friends around him. Keep moving.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 October 2011):
 Yeah, that would mean that he was 25 and the kid was 14.
That would creep me out big time, to be honest. I'd feel the same way you do. That girl was a child at 14, and it's made worse by the fact that he knew full well her age. It would also be of note that he didn't disclose this to you, but rather that you found out by accident.
I'm guessing full well that this isn't common knowledge, and it's a pretty serious crime to have sexual relations with a minor. We're not talking about a 17 year old sleeping with an 18 year old. This is 25 sleeping with a 14 year old. There was no future and no other end here. Honestly, you hear about these things in the news regarding child molestation.
I would break up with him in a public place, and talk to him about why you're doing so. I have a feeling that if 2 weeks have gone by and he's not aggressively seeking out why you stopped contact, then he has a good idea why already.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (14 October 2011):
Sorry to reply twice but I can't edit my post. I have one question: has he tried to contact you at all in these two weeks? By now he should know something's up.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (14 October 2011):
I agree with Danielepew, you need to make up your mind about what you think about this and make a decision based on that.
However, I do think that if you choose to break up with him, he deserves to know why. Also, don't forget that 15-year olds can look a lot older than they are. Despite their families knowing each other, ages aren't always remembered as well. That still doesn't excuse his ignorance if this was the case, but it's different from the predator picture you have in your head.
It could be worth confronting him with this and listening to his explanation--after all, you don't have to accept it; if you want you can break up any time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): I think once you're ready to face this problem talk to him. I don't think you can make any decisions until you hear what he has to say about it. It may make you want to leave him, but you can't keep getting yourself worked up until you talk to him and hear what happened.
Goodluck :)
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female
reader, cmarieky +, writes (14 October 2011):
Pedophile. If the age is not of consent in your country report this immediately. Please get up from the computer and contact the authorities you can remain anonymous. This is disgusting. Good for you for getting away from this perv.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 I won't give you an opinion about your boyfriend's behavior. I will tell you that you can do one of two things: break up with him, or go back. The decision needs to be yours.
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