A
male
age
36-40,
*onnie
writes:Hi guys, I apologize in advance for this long story, but it is just complicated and those who read it, I appreciate it a lot! Well, I met a girl on Facebook. At first we communicated there for over 6 months, exchanging messages on almost a daily basis. Initially she was a bit distant, but after a couple of months we really hit off and we talked longer and about more meaningful topics. Everything went so well, that she asked me to chat with her on ICQ because she wanted to talk with me more often.The first two times on ICQ went really well, but then something strange happened. I did not came online for a couple of days and suddenly found out that she deleted me from FB and ICQ. I send her a new friends request and asked her why….she apologized and said it happened accidently. She added me again, but was a bit more distant. A week later she suddenly began talking with me again on ICQ, saying that she was sad because she decided to temporarily split with her guy. I tried to support her, gave her advice, and so on. From that moment on, everything became more intense. She deleted her profile on FB, but we would talk very regularly on ICQ for the next 6 months. It just became a normal thing for us to chat a couple of times during the week. Note that in this period, she quit her job, and temporarily quit university. For me these 6 months felt like a rollercoaster ride. Sometimes she made me feel very wanted and said very sweet things to me (she would often ask me whether I would come online the next day, that talking with me was a daily need for her, that she would not be able to breathe if I left, etc. I guess she just needed someone to be there for her. And sometimes she would be absent-minded or be gone for a couple of days without saying anything. At times I felt like air (sometimes very needed, but also invisible). I always treated her very well, I was never angry at her and never said or did anything to upset her. She would often ask me to wait for her 5 or 10 minutes when we chatted, while eventually leaving me in the cold for 2 or 3 hours. I never made a big deal out of it, because I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable. After these 6 months things suddenly changed dramatically. On one day we had a normal conversation, and she told me to meet up with her on a specific date. I agreed, but she never came online that day. At first I thought that maybe she forgot, so I waited a few days. Eventually I decided to contact her on her new FB profile (she never told me she had one). I asked how she was and if everything was alright between us. Her reaction….well, she deleted everything, her profile picture, friends, status, etc. I was dumbstruck and thought that she did not want to talk with me anymore for whatever reason. I wrote her a farewell letter and an hour later she suddenly phoned me on Skype. She apologized, told me that she did not know what came over her and asked me to forgive her which I did. She made a new profile on FB and ICQ and added me there. The strangest thing is….on the same day she suggested to talk on Skype every day, which never happened of course. Everything seemed back to normal, but things would soon turn out to be different again. She suddenly became absent for a long while, saying absolutely nothing in advance. After a week of hearing nothing from her, I asked her about it and told her how I sometimes felt so confused.She told me to exhale and, at first, explained to me that she was just tired during the day and wanted to relax in the evening. She said it was not related with me and that she would definitely write me, only she did not knew when. Later she told me because she had guests, and eventually that she was just too busy with her study. It was tough for me, because I assumed that surely she would have a minute to write sometimes. I realize now that I should have just waited, I just felt like I was losing her.Over the next three months, things would remain like this. She became more distant and it seemed like every time when we talked, she was in a hurry or something. I would (too) often ask about this, and even suggested whether it would be better to take a break because I thought that it might be better to her, while I would also have some clarity. She never answered the question, only saying that everything was fine and that she would definitely write. She said that she was communicating less with everyone, and that she thought that I was a wonderful person but that she could not write as often as before. In September everything seemed to be a bit better again. We send each other messages on FB, although her replies were very short. I would ask her how everything was at university for example, and she would not really answer the question, instead just asking me a question. Late September I made a very big mistake. I woke up early on one day and saw that she was online. I asked her how she was. She did not answer, so I wrote her if she was busy….again nothing. Then I joked that it was going to be a monologue again and asked if I could write her later. I left and in the evening I saw that she still had not responded, even though she had been online for hours. I made the dreadful mistake of writing her again and asking if everything was still good between us. Again nothing…..then wrote, that I just wanted to know if she was still going to answer that day and that this was the lowest point after communicating with her for more than 1,5 years. I told her that I was not angry or something, but that I am a human and not a robot. Immediately after, I regretted writing those things and I apologized, asked her to forget everything and wished her a good night.That same night, she deleted me from FB and ICQ, and even blocked me on FB which meant that I could not send her messages there anymore. I did manage to speak to her on Skype, again apologized and begged for a chance to explain everything. She told me that she deleted me because she already explained to me many times that if she does not respond immediately, then it means that she will respond when she has time. She told me that I just did not understand. She told me that she could not communicate every day and that I did not had to wait the entire time until she came online (while before she would always wonder where I was if I was not online for one or two days). I told her that I never wanted to communicate every day, and that for me the main thing was that to her it was comfortable. I asked if she could add me again, but she said that she did not want to. She told me that we would talk later and left.I felt sad and scared, and on the same evening I wrote her a letter on Skype explaining everything. I decided to give her time and did not come online for a week. A week later she wrote me, asking me how I was. However, in the meantime, I already made a video message for her, because I wanted to apologize in person. I said that I understood her situation and that I behaved like an idiot, and that I wished I had understood her better and just been more patient. I asked her to forgive me, wished her all the best, and I told her that if she still wants to communicate with me, we would talk when it would be comfortable for her. After I send the video message, I was online on Skype for the entire next week, usually almost the entire day hoping to see her and reconcile. I did not see her that week, but suddenly on one evening noticed that she deleted me in Skype (I guess she used the “show me as offline” function). This was one and a half week after I send the video message. I was very upset, and made a new profile on FB in order to send her a goodbye message. She also blocked that account, I don’t even know if she read it, and so far that has been it.I know I ruined everything by being too pushy. She is the most instable person who I have ever met, but I just don’t want to lose her like this. For me the whole situation is just terrible. I don’t even know the exact reason why she deleted me. Was it because of the video, or because I was online so often on Skype which made her feel uncomfortable, or could there be another reason? Did I ruin it permanently?I made a (normal) video for her and posted it on my FB profile. I did not send it to her, I just hope that someday she will see it. There is nothing left to do then wait. Feel free to ask questions. Thanks in advance.
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a break, facebook, period, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Fonnie +, writes (12 November 2011):
Fonnie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for giving your thoughts on the situation. I guess I was being a bit hard on myself, blaming myself for everything...it's just difficult to see how my "friendship" with her totally broke down because of something seemingly small, well at least in my opinion.
YouWish, I agree with you and I have a strong feeling that she is back with her BF. When she started to "dissapear" and neglect me, she updated her relationship status to "in a relationship"...I guess it would explain a lot. I always felt that we talked more often when she had relationship problems (she would sometimes just refuse to go to sleep and would constantly ask for my attention and company, so I during those times I would spend nights staying awake and talking with her).
Do you think that she ultimately just got tired of me, being needy and all, and therefore just chose to completely cut me off? Or was she freaked out by my continuous presence? I
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 Yikes. You may not feel this way now, but she actually did you a favor by deleting you altogether. She is acting on the internet as if she already has a boyfriend or husband. This is common when it comes to long absences, touchiness, and erratic online behavior.
Many people can portray themselves as a certain persona on the internet. You were a diversion for her, but she was never willing to pursue anything resembling an actual healthy relationship with you.
You *have* to let her go. No more trying to contact her, and no more sending of videos and such. You must disengage from her so that your mind and emotions can slowly cool off from her. The relationship wasn't healthy for you to be so obsessed and yet so terrified that anything you would say or do causes deletion. Indeed, there's nothing you could have done.
A good, healthy relationship needs no feelings of desperation. People don't just cut other people off like that, and you deserve better. You didn't ruin things with her. I'm strongly feeling that she was not who she portrayed herself to be online.
In short, the woman you developed feelings for and interacted with never truly existed.
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A
female
reader, concerned2009 +, writes (14 October 2011):
 Sounds like to me you are better off without her. Instability is hard to handle and you sound like a good person. You should not be too hard on yourself, so you got a little pushy if you want to call it that. I think after a year and a half she could have just told you straight up front what she expected.
Good Luck
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