A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I guess I am just needing objective opinions on this matter.I have been dating a guy for about 15 months. We have been living together for the last 5 months. I have 2 children and he is very involved in their life. We are our own family. We do everything together from family game night to family vacations. I love this man and he says he loves me and my children.We are both divorced and wanting to get married again.This is one of our major issues. I'm black and he is white. He has met my family but he won't introduce me to his souly because I'm black. I have expressed to him that I feel hurt by this and that maybe he feels I won't measure up. He says I'm silly to think this way. He tells his family he has a girlfriend but hasn't even shared that I live with him. He's 40 and I figure he shouldn't be so overly concerned what his family thinks. He has to live his life and do what makes him happy. He has been saying for the longest about 8 months or so that he is going to have to introduce me, but it coninues to be postponed. He tells me it will happen soon, why can't I be patient and respect the way he is choosing to handle it?I could ramble on forever... just need to hear what other people think about this.Thanks
View related questions:
divorce, has a girlfriend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2009): my brother is living with a black girl and he is white. he has never dated any white girls. however my grandmother doesn't approve because of her raisings but she does not say anything to his G/F. and really doesn't say alot to my brother. she says thats his life. his g/f doesn't come over alot to her house but she is just the quit type. they love each other very much and my brother treats her kids like his own. he takes care of them and they are not even his. gets them to school, daycare, ect. i know what you are feeling. i talk to his g/f on the phone and she says she knows that my gm is like that but thats why she only goes them when neccessary. she is not hurt by it but she understands. so i hope everything works out great for you and your family.
A
female
reader, vamp-gal  +, writes (30 May 2009):
 Hey!
Glad everything going good :)
Hope it continues that way :D
x
...............................
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (29 May 2009):
 Well good! Glad things are going well for you, him and his family. Way to be patient (you have more patience than I ever could), kudos to your good attitude!!
Good luck in the coming months!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is an update. I was introduced to the family about a month ago. As I said they did like me and things are going well so far. Hopefully we can now move on to bigger and better things.Being patient was wearing me out, but it paid off. At least I hope so.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo respond to some of the questions I have received.He sees his family at least once a week. The past weeks have been few and far between, but generally about once a week. His parents live 2 minutes away by car. I only know this becasue he spoke to me on the phone once when he left the house and told me when he arrived.I was married to a white man before so him meeting my family was no big thing. They probably would have been more shocked had I showed up with a black man ... lolI do know from a little snooping (ok so not the best approach I know) but his sister gave him an invitation to Christmas and informed him he could invite anyone at all that he wanted. I figured this might be the time, but he hasn't even mentioned the invite at all.His family was at his first wedding, but his first wife was white. He doesn't have any children of his own. He basically treats mine as his own.I have shared with him that he may be absolutely worried for nothing ( he can be a bit of a worry wart)His comment is that maybe he is, but he doesn't know that and he would hate to have to look at his family differently if they react negatively.He makes mention of things like "next year we will go on vacation with my brother" or " you'll be with me at the games" ( his family holds seasons tickets) These statements of course imply that they will know me by this time, but I sometimes feel that he is just saying these things to give me just a little bit of hope to continue holding on.I love this man with all of my heart(obviously) but it is increasingly becoming difficult to be a secret. Everyone who meets me always comments on my personality and how fun and great they think I am, so I feel why wouldn't his family feel the same. I am a good and honest person, who loves their son/brother and absolutely thinks the world of him. I know in his heart he loves me and my children. He speaks of plans for the future and it excites me to think of the prospects, but truthfully I wouldn't feel 100% in his life if I don't meet the family soon. His last thing that was said was that I will meet them after the first of the year. He says it is really bothering him that he has not done this and he feels rather embarrassed that he hasn't introduced me. I have thought of writing his sister a letter, showing up at his mom's work ( retail store)just to feel them out for myself. But I know that could backfire and be disastrous. He says he doesn't want to lose me and needs me in his life, we are best friends and blah blah blah. But I have to admit it is becoming more and more difficult to hear how I'm his world, yet no ones know I even exist.At best I have been reduced to a roommate and I'm laying in your bed every night. He told me his mom asked him if he was dating the girl he was living with ( I figure perfect segway) he told her he does like having me and the kids around and that he does like me (what????)I don't even really know if his mom ever asked that question, he could have just been telling me what he thought I wanted to hear at the time to again give me a little ray of hope.A big thanks to all those who have responded. I truly do appreciate it. It makes me feel better to know that I'm not crazy (completely ;-) and that others can see the pain. I do feel hopeful but I also know if things don't happen within a reasonable time. I sincerely will have to weigh my options because a man who truly loves me will put me first as I have done him in my life. My family is upset that I live with him and I'm not married, yet I told them I have made a choice to do this, I know they don't agree, but I am an adult and I have to live my life. I just figured he could do something similar with his family regarding me.Well as usual I could ramble on, but just wanted to answer some questions and give a little more insight to the issue.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008): Clearly some of his family may have a problem with your colour. Your bf is trying to find the right time, words etc. No one relishes critisism and he is delaying the inevitable. I wouldn't pressure him he can't avoid it forever. Nagging him will only be detrimental to your relationship. Just bide your time it will come, it just needs to at his pace and under his control.
He loves You!
...............................
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (19 December 2008):
You know what? I'm biracial (and to people who are closed minded, half black and half white translates to Black) and I've never been a secret from anyones family. I can't imagine BEING a secret, I can't imagine being with someone who isn't thrilled to introduce me to his family because I'm cool, fun and I make him super happy.
Your love has to be strong for him, because I couldn't be with someone like this. I realize that it's his family who are the judgmental ones, but he is 40 years old, he is old enough to fight that negative, old-fashioned attitude. He is a very small man if he would rather hide you, the love of his life. He should be celebrating your relationship in the open.
Good luck, my dear.
...............................
A
female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (19 December 2008):
Until you meet them, this will continue to plague your relationship, and will only grow worse over time. This needs to be dealt with and gotten over with. You've been more than patient - you've waited long enough. Now it's his turn to do something about this.
My brother's third wife is black (we are a white family). My sister and I were always open-minded about this, but my mother was not, being from the Depression-era and a completely different generation that was unfortunately raised to be prejudiced. We repeatedly told her that my brother's happiness was what mattered most, not what any of us thought about her. We said who cares what color her skin is? They seem to make each other happy, and it is their choice, not ours. Anyway, eventually my mother agreed to meet her, and almost immediately fell in love with her. Of course, my brother had my sister and I on his side, and we helped soften my mother's attitude, over time. We were all there at the wedding, I might add.
Your bf may not have this luxury. But, if he really feels love for you, he will do the right thing and put you first no matter what. Even if it means he must stand alone in terms of his family. He will never be alone so long as he has you.
He is a consenting adult, as are you. He cannot continue to allow his family to get in the way. He needs to introduce you and your children to his family, sooner than later. This would be out of ultimate respect for you and the relationship he has with you.
Has he even seen his family since the two of you have been together? When was the last time he even saw them?
I think he needs to tell them upfront, before they meet you, that you are black, vs. showing up with no warning, since it seems this will be unfortunately met with opposition. Otherwise everyone may have to suffer through an extremely awkward and uncomfortable situation. If they were open-minded to begin with (and obviously they are not, or else he would have introduced you by now), then there would be no need for this. Did you tell your family ahead of time that he was white? Or did you just show up with him? How did they react initially either way?
He needs to be strong, and he needs to face this, once and for all. For your sake, and for the sake of your relationship. Good luck, and let us know how things are going. You have every right to feel hurt by this.
Maybe he could tell them by phone and then invite them for a visit to your home, so that you will be on your own turf, which I think is important in this circumstance. If they are not agreeable to a visit after he tells them, then that will be his answer - he will know where things stand with his family. Then you can all move on from there.
Or, he could try what some gay people do when they come out to their families - he could tell them he has a brain tumor and is going to die. When they find out the real news, it is not nearly as shocking to them! I am not trying to be funny here - I have read that this is a ploy that is really used.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008): It sounds to me like he already knows this revelation isn't going to go over well with his family and he's hesitant to move forward because of it. While that is somewhat understandable, he is an adult at 40 years of age and should be able to stand up for the life decisions he makes. The bottom line is that he cannot hide the relationship forever. It is highly unusual to have not met the family after 15 months.
I would feel slighted if I were in your shoes as well. In my opinion, he needs to grow a pair and step up to the plate. Don't back down on this. Tell him that you want to meet his family and press him not to postpone the meeting. Who knows? Maybe he's worried for nothing and they will love you as he does. If not, at least it will be out in the open and you can deal with it as a couple. Best of luck to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, vamp-gal +, writes (19 December 2008):
Heyy,
In my opinion, it shouldn't matter what colour you are, what matters are your personality and anything connected with that, it shouldn't matter what you look like.
No, it shouldn't matter what his family think, and I'd be saying the same thing, whether he be 40, or, you both, in teenage years. If he loves you, then he will introduce you to his family.
Has his family tried to arrange a time when you can all meet up? and weren't they at the first wedding? or seen their grandchildren/neice/nephew? I'm just curious here, sorry.
Either way, tell him you think it's about time that you met his family, that you will stand by him no matter what happens. And ask him if he'll do the same. If his family don't like you, make sure he'll stand by you, if he doesn't, I'm sorry to say, but he's not worth it.
Hope this helps.
Good Luck with everything.
...............................
A
female
reader, SoftlyCaress  +, writes (19 December 2008):
 Girl if that man loves you it shouldnt matter what color your skin is and i would let him know if he is ashamed of me then please let me go .... If his family cant except it then that is on them but your never going to know if he doesnt introduce ya . so tell him you think its about time no matter what if he loves ya he will be with you and stand by ya tell his family this is who i LOVE....................
...............................
|
