A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there aunts!I have a problem. Me and my girlfriend (2 years an a half) had a relationship breakdown quite some time ago. She went to another guy and she told me that she used the moment when she was weak and kissed her. She hinted that they had sex but when I asked her if they did she said that they didn't.I forgave her and we went on with our lives. The problem is that I still think that they did have sex because why would she hint on it if it didn't happen? Sometimes when we have sex I just can't help thinking about it and due to it I loose my erection and get depressed. Can I ever have normal sex with her again? I don't want to talk to her about it because she isn't proud of what she did either and it torments her as much as it torments me. I just want a way to get it out of my head. Please help!
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (26 January 2008):
 I've been in a not dissimilar situation to you and I imagine you'll be feeling the other answers here relevant but somehow not helpful (no discredit to the other aunts i should add). So i'll try to give you different advice.
The only person who can stop this is you. It's not about your girlfriend any more, don't involve her.
You are obsessing over it. The thoughts invading your mind unwanted and then not leaving as you grab onto them and play them over and over. This is unhealthy behaviour, you're feeling the effects of that now. It's like a bad itch that you can't scratch.
The way past this is quite literally to learn to not think about it. It sounds easy in theory, but is very hard in practice. Hard, but possible. You have to gently push the thoughts from your mind and replace them with something else. Something positive, like how much you love her. They'll come back, so you push them out again, over and over. Do it gently but firmly and over time you'll become more able to do this, and eventually it will become second nature and they'll no longer bother you. There is no overnight cure, it takes time, but once you feel you're making progress it gets better since you at least feel you're improving.
It's very similar to the techniques taught in meditation. If this is really getting you down you might consider some meditation classes to help you learn how to do it, or something similar like tai chi or yoga. Those three (and a few others) teach you how to focus on the moment and push unwanted thoughts from your mind in a good way. Plus they are fun and good for you too.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (26 January 2008):
 Your cynicism and your imaginations is destroying your sex drive.
If you really love her, you must believe her and have no doubts.
We are all humans and bound to make mistakes.Imagine if the one was you , how would you feel? Nobody is perfect. You need to really forgive her and let go of the past.Look to the future and do not look back.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (26 January 2008):
 CherriePie has this exactly right. If you can't put this totally away, you're just going to kill the relationship. Seems you guys have a lot of time invested here.
Do you really want to let a good woman go because something happened when the two of you were "separated?"
Do as you want, but I would say get back into the woman in every way and love her. Or you could piss it away and be a jerk.
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A
female
reader, stargazer08 +, writes (26 January 2008):
 I think that if you both see a relationship counselor you will have better chances of recovering from this traumatic event. People are not perfect and certainly relationships never are. I believe your girlfriend was attempting to right her wrong by telling you; however, it seems it has just brought you heartache. If you two truly love each other, you can conquer anything...but please, get professional help!
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A
female
reader, Lily Moll +, writes (26 January 2008):
What if you talked about and she admitted that she had sex with him? Maybe if you just knew everything, even if it was the worst, you two could work through it. Perhaps it's just that there are things unknown and unsaid.
Also, I think that a kiss could torment, especially if it was coupled with emotions for the guy. Some people just feel more guilt about things than other people.
Maybe you could bring up that you felt she hinted that they had sex. Be specific, and ask that she be specific too. Maybe there's something else, or some other reason she said whatever it was she said. It could just be a miscommunication.
Also, yes, it torments you both; it sounds like it's eating away at your relationship. If it is, saying something to her might hurt you both, but not saying anything will be worse in the long run. If you talk about it, at least there's a chance that the torment will go away.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Cherriepie +, writes (26 January 2008):
 I dont think a "kiss" would torment me like its doing to your girlfriend. it sounds like she did sleep with him. she wont admit it, but if she did, would it hurt any less? i think not. and as so much about sex depends on the brain, its really affecting your performance, which is a shame. i dont know if this can ever be repaired because its not so easy to forget, even if you did forgive. i think this spells the beginning of a breakup.
if your performance continues to lack, she just might make it easy for you and end it. when cheating affects that spark its hard to get it back. i wish you luck hun, but i think its over for you and her.
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A
female
reader, Ele  +, writes (26 January 2008):
If it would torment both of you to talk about it, then don't. The issue here is not whether or not she has slept with him. If you asked again, and she denied it, you would still doubt her. If she confesses to sleeping with him, then you'll feel awful about it all over again.
It takes a long time to get over these sort of things. Leave the past in the past and realise that right now, you love each other and want to be with each other.
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A
male
reader, Moviefan +, writes (26 January 2008):
 Well you may not want to talk about it but you are going to have to if you want to set things right, even if it makes you both upset. Unless you both deal with this it will just fester in both of your minds until things become worse. And chances are any akwardness brought on by this act of communication will go away with time if any forms. And talking about it just proves you care. And you may want to promise her you wont get mad or do something drastic before you ask. And it cant make things worse if she did at this point, just the possibilitie is having the same effect as if she did.
And it could be that she didnt do anything, you may just be reading her wrong. In this case just say your sorry for questioning her. And make it up to her.
But in any case you need to settle things betwen you two in some way.
Good luck!
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