A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have absolutely no idea where to go from here. I recently broke up with my boyfriend for probably the sixth time after finding him have cyber sex with random girls. I want to stay broken up for good, I really do, but it is almost impossible for me not to call him. I start off okay, I mean I'm really extremely sad, but I can deal with that. Eventually though, and this has happened with every single break up, I have somewhat of an existential crisis. It is not merely that I am depressed, or sad, but it seems like there is nothing in my life with meaning, there is nothing to hold onto. It doesn't matter what is happening, whether there are potential love interests or amazing future plans, I just... literally lose touch with the reality around me, I become afraid and disgusted with ever aspect in my life,I can not hold on to any one thought and literally feel like I am about to lose it (my mind that is) and I usually call him around this time, wherein he usually tells me to fuck off, and then comes back to me once I am over it. I really dont want to call him this time, but I feel myself edging that way. I don't know what to do. I am not sure if this has anything to do with it, but my past has never been secure. I lived with an alocholic, bipolar mother and my family all suffers from drug abuse. I have been abandoned by each one of them at one point in my life, and I think my fear of being alone really stems from that, and makes me feel meaningless and unimportant. I know that underneath it all, it isnt really about him, but something deeper, only I never can get past the initial insanity... which I am slowly starting to feel creep up on me. Any help would be appreciated
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male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (5 March 2011):
Janniepeg has it right. The only thing I can add is this:
You are absoloutely incapable of loving anyone else, or accepting love from them, until you love yourself. Wholly and completely. Until then, any relationships you could have woud be a mix of lust, obsession, distraction, and addiction. While this can be an intoxicating and overwhelming mix, it pales in comparison to the real McCoy!
You will get yourself through the crisis. We all have to, at one point or another. Just keep telling yourself that you will get through it.
LEarn the truth of the following mantra, and repeat it to yourself when in need:
This too, shall pass.
You need some serious alone time. You need to learn to respect and love yourself for who you are. You need to learn to value yourself, by yourself, and be ok alone.
Then you will be able to be truly open to a loving, value and respect based relationship.
A
female
reader, yomama65 +, writes (5 March 2011):
 Hi there sweetie. First of all, break ups always suck, and it can be really tough to be alone, especially if you have the "fear of abandonment" issues you describe. However, sometimes being alone is a good thing when it forces you to reflect, regroup and ultimately grow as a person. This might be a good time to see a therapist and start focusing on your own issues. Relationships take us out of ourselves, and can distract us from our own pain, but until you get a better handle on what is going on with you, you will likely fall into the same pattern of finding guys who reflect the insanity you grew up with.Put yourself first for awhile and just work on you. If you do that, it will get better in time. Best of luck to you, my dear.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 March 2011):
 Can you try to forgive whatever happened in the past, and grieve for your lost childhood, and the warm, loving mother or father you never had? There was never anyone who told you you are good, and worthy of love. Can you do that to yourself? When I was your age I talked to a school counsellor and he basically told me the same thing, like go back to my little childhood self and hug her. I had a great catharsis that day, and I told him I should accept my parents because they didn't know any better since they behave how they had been raised. I am sure that counsellor had seen thousand more girls like that. That was also the time I got out of a bad relationship after I got my abusive ex in jail. We all go through existential crisis from time to time but at the end we learn that we control our destiny and we choose the people we are with. Start to learn about yourself in solitude and stop depending on other people to tell you who you are. As for your boyfriend, there is no reason to go back to him. He is just a distraction to your awakening and you have to pay attention to the thing that's creeping up on you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): 1.You obviusly love him,you could see that clearly, but if he is doing stuff like that, girl, its time to move on. Dump him and become inderpendent. Trust me, I felt like that once. Your post was unanswerd and I feel like its my meaning to help people. So my advise:
1. Dump him and move on.
2.Relax, no harm done?
3. (What I would do)Shout at him to grow up. Tell him cyber sex and the other crap hes doeing behind your back is well out of order. Tell him to pull his act togther or be dumped. Tell him, you can face the world on your own, dont care wither he cant or not, thars his problem. The lonly stuff, forget about that. With every journey, there are friends that come on tne way. A hole life by yourself is better then 5 minutes of bad company, and if hes does that kind of stuff to you, girl, he is BAD commpay.
Im GS and thats my respones. :c)
(Girl support, also my inisals)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): he's not for you you will find someone else. dont try to be friends cut him off completely. if he cheats in virtuality then he's probably cheating in reality. all the fantasizing he needs is or should be with you..i know its hard but trust me he isn't worth it
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A
male
reader, Jackalus  +, writes (4 March 2011):
First thing is first what is your definition of " cyber sex"
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