A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have secretly been in love with my best friend's husband for 20 years. I have never told anyone this and I have never acted upon my feelings. Recently I felt that he may have feelings for me too! He hasn't directly told me so or made a pass at me but he has sent me an occasional email or text that I know he has not told his wife about. These messages aren't directly flirtatious for example it might just be asking if I am going out over the weekend or sharing a song he likes with me. I also noticed that he became more tactile with me than he used to be, such as, touching the small of my back; stroking my side and hugging me more often than usual. I believe my best friend also noticed this change in his behaviour as she asked me if there was something going on between us. I told her that there wasn't - as he hadn't directly said anything to me or directly over-stepped a physical boundary I did not think it worth causing trouble in their relationship. After this, I made a conscious decision to not spend as much time in his presence but I miss him so very much. When I do see him now it feels as if there is still a really strong connection between us and that there is an elephant in the room. Putting distance between us doesn't seem to be working as it just makes the feeling even more intense on the rare occasions I do now see him. I am worried that other people are going to pick up on this but I can't avoid him completely. What, if anything can I do?
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best friend, flirt, friend's husband, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): First thing for you to do is to take a big step back an take a hard look at yourself. Because, if you've been secretly in love with another woman's husband for 20 years, you're living in fairytale land. A real relationship involves lots of ups and downs and lots of emotional and mental growth. Honestly, you've already betrayed your best friend with your 20 year infatuation of her husband. Yes, your infatuation, (Latin infatuat- made foolish), is very immature on your part. Probably, the husband figured out you've got a crush on him and is just messing around with you. If not, then a man who is flirting with his wife's best friend is a creep. My advice is to get some counseling or read some good books a emotional maturity.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): You say : "......such as, touching the small of my back; stroking my side and hugging me more often than usual." what were u doing while this man hs been slowly feeling you up? i am assuming bec you did not stop him or avoid him you were giving him the come on sign?? i am also assuming that you do not have a hb or a man9bf) at your side during your "get togethers"u say u do not want want to start an affair with your friends hb but if i read all your interactions with him, you have subtly given him the signs to say game on. you may feel that i am being very critical of you, but plse understand that this MM would not have become so "close" to you if u did not somehow encourage some inappropriate behaviour.mere words of not encouraging him is not good enough. your actions should speak for itself. you will be destroying many lives and long standing friendships if you take this further. stop making excuses but make active choices to end "whatever" has happened.i will say that his wife is very perceptive, watch that she doesnt start viewing you as an enemy in her home. meaning she will know that u are on the prowl and that u are after her man (not entirely untrue right now). how would u deal with this? betrayal of a good friend or a loved one is a sin. stop before you hurt people. if you do somehow make that decision to start sneaking around with your friends hb, be ready for the aftermath of the consequences. remember your common friends are not fools and will also make their observations known. next your reputation will be in tatters and you will be the point of gossip/discussion. be careful that other women are not weary of you around their men. THIS IS A REALITY.YOU will be the most selfish friend if you decide to unburden your feelings to your best friend (and her hb). you will be destroying this friendship and if you carry on with this fantasy then lives will be destroyed. unfortunately this time you need to zip your lips, close them legs, avert those fluttering eyelids and get on with your life. anything else is a receipe for disaster. if you tell him your feeling YOU KNOW You will embark in an illicit affair with him. dont tell yourself that you wont, you are suddenly ripe for this affair bec you think he has feelings for you too. whether his feelings are real or not is not relevant, dont be the 3rd party in this marriage.just my thoughts, i know i am harsh but i really do think you need a hard shake to wake up before you destroy livesLoveGirl
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl  +, writes (1 December 2010):
 Thanks for the update! I think talking to both parties about your feelings will be the best way to deal with this. I suggest you talk to them together rather then separately. Otherwise, he may try to talk you into having an affair.
Please keep us updated. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (1 December 2010):
 I PERSONALLY would not express my feeling to all involved THOSE are your feelings you are the owner of those feelings solely.. And those two have nothing to do with how you FEEL..You need to control your emotions and know that he's HER husband and NEVER can be your man. What can that get you but embarrassed? I just don't think that's a good idea. Maybe you should talk to a professional therapist. BUT NOT THEM!! IJS!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. To clarify I have NO intention of beginning a physical affair with this man my question is around how I should deal with my feelings. The suggestion that I avoid him completely won't work because if I do that my friend will think something HAS happened and this would only increase suspicion and I would probably end up loosing her friendship regardless.
The suggestion that I am open and honest about my feelings to all parties is a good one - not sure if I have the strength for it but maybe if I get my feelings out in the open they might feel less intense.
Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, Bee4ever +, writes (1 December 2010):
It would be so cruel to cheat with a married man. Worse if you're cheating on your best friend of 20 years! This is not an option. Her husband is like your brother. Replace the thoughts you have about him and when he reaches to touch you recoil his touch. Force yourself to think of how slimy it would be if your friend told you her husband was cheating on her. Your bond is with her. There are other men. Texting when your friend is not aware is off limits. Do what another reader suggested and schedule girls night out with your friend. Find a man of your own and please don't ruin a 20 year friendship over this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): Most of the advice you have gotten so far has to do with control, limiting yourself, taking a path of inaction due to fear, avoidance, dimishing yourself, and supressing your love. I don't agree with any of that, I don't believe in diminishing your love or who you are.
However, I do agree that being true to yourself, being who you are and having the love that you have should not interfere with your friend and her husbands relationship. How are both possible at the same time? I will explain. It depends on your intentions, and I assume that as you have not acted on your feelings, that your intentions are about love not sex.
Being in love and having a relationship are two different things, and the one is not dependant on the other. The same applies to having sex and being in love, they are two separate things. Sometimes these things are related, sometimes they are not. I am sure you can think of examples where people have sex and are not in love, or are in relationships and are not in love, and vice versa, its not hard to see. Your friend and her husband are married, so it means that it is not possible for you to have sex with him or have a relationship with him. However, there is nothing wrong with loving him, and loving your friend too. The tricky thing is that your love might be fearful to your friend, and challenging to her husband if he also loves you too, which is where all the fear comes in.
To me, the way for you to be true to yourself, your feelings of love, and to your friend and their relationship, is to have a conversation with your friend. You can tell her that you can't really spend time around him at the moment, because you are in love with him and have been for 20 years, and that you don't want to interfere with their relationship, you want to be able to support their relationship, but that because she is your friend you wanted her to know and find out from her what the best thing is for you to do from her point of view. This is you being true to yourself, and expressing youreslf to your friend whilst at the same time showing her that you care about her and her relationship and want to support the love that they have too. This is being loving to yourself, your friend, and their relationship.
She might really appreciate it. She might be full of fear and hate you for it. It might bring you closer, and it might create distance between you or even end your friendship if she can't handle it, but at least you can be true to yourself and you will know the real quality of your friendship. It is the best way for you to more truthfully forward in your own life, for your own sake rather than the sake of others, whilst still doing the right thing.
At the same time you can also let him know. I don't believe in breaking up other people's relationships, but if you love him it is ok to be true to yourself and let him know, it doesn't mean you are pursuing him or asking him to break up his relationship, you are just letting him know your feelings. He might let you know his feelings. If he loves his wife, it will not affect his relationship. If he does not, he might end their relationship but that does not have to be a bad thing, if the love is not there, and this is not your responsibility, it is his. He will act on his feelings only, not yours. So there is no issue with you letting him know where you stand, as long as you are not using your feelings to destroy the love between two other people for your own interests (this is not a loving action!)
Ideally, being true to yourself and expressing your love and feelings will allow you to live more fully in your own life, and will help shift the feelings that have had nowhere to go. You might find it enhances your relationship with both of them and strengthens your bonds. After acknowledging your love, you might realise that your love will not be able to be physically expressed (sexually) with him, which you might experience sadness around, but then ultimately once you have mourned that, you might be freed up to express that love to someone else that might come along in your life.
Take the path of love, honesty and truth, and see where life takes you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (1 December 2010):
 Date and seek out different men, this man is off limits and you should put a boundary between you and him. If he strokes your hair than move easy as that, don't let him touch you because he is a married man. He is married to your BFF which makes things more complicated and if he starts to lose respect for his wife by flirting with you, this will only show you the kind of person that he is. If you seek more in this relationship you will also show the kind of person that you are...going behind your BFF back and taking her husband. Hold your composher and stay back show your friend that you are a friend and not a backstabbing person who will take her man while she isn't looking.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (30 November 2010):
You need to avoid him completely. If he shows up at a party or function you are attending, you need to leave. Period. If his wife already picked up on your behavior, it's only a matter of time before others pick up on it as well.
Do you really want to hurt your best friend, by sleeping with her husband? Do they have children? You could end up losing a best friend and breaking up a family. Is it really worth it? You didn't mention anything about your status. Are you single?
There's nothing wrong with having crushes on others, but this is one that should remain a fantasy. Are you two still texting and emailing one another? What are you really hoping to get out of this?
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A
male
reader, GermanMan +, writes (30 November 2010):
There are some things that you just simply must let go. I am sure you have already realized and asked yourself this question "How would I Feel if i were in my best friends shoes".
Obviously you would think that your best friend was not your friend at all, and you would feel angry (at least these would be my feelings)
If she is really your 'best friend' you should figure out a way to only see her. Make it a point to schedule 'girl's nights' with her. This way you can keep your best friend, and not feel awkward by the lust you feel for your bf's husband.
Since I am a stranger, i will be frank: forget about this guy. He is taken and it would be horrible to break up his bond with your best friend. The only time you should EVER make an advance is if he and her get a divorce without any influence from any outside sources.
I am sorry if this is rough, but there are plenty of men out there. Let yourself explore new things, you'd be surprised where your life may lead you.
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A
female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (30 November 2010):
For 20 years you have controlled yourself!!! I don't see why 20 more years of controlling yourself should be a problem? He's off limits. Shes your BEST friend! I could never hurt my friend, no matter what my heart told me!!! Now is the time to listen to your MIND!!! I hope you do the RIGHT THING!!!
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