A
female
age
36-40,
*rincessjasmine
writes:ok so I know that as a girl, we should be chased. I have made no moves with this really shy guy, except instant messaging once in a while to him. He has called me twice (its wk 2 since we met in another country...so its long distance) he initiated things and called first but after that first call he didnt IM me or anything until i IMed him and he got real happy and said he wud call, he asked me wat time to call and called at that exact time i told him. tht shows me hes interested but then he wont call for like 2-3 days until i happen to IM him again. It's like he needs some sort of approval before he calls from me.... or 'interest back?" i dont get it. He is a very very shy guy. I thought the guys liked the chase and i know something is there, he told me not to message this other guy cuz he'd feel bad and get worried, he sent me texts about taking care of me but then wont call until i put initiative of some sort. Should I up my game and just say what's on my mind or just be patient? Should I text him first to get him to call me more often? shud i flirt more? i dont wanna be too obvious i still want him to do the work.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): Wow! He is probably really really shy, but he also really likes you. I don't think you can have him do "all the hard work." He is obviously too shy to tell you he likes you, so you'll just have to tell him that. Also are you guys ever gonna meet again? Anyway, if you are, you can also ask him if he'll go out with you. He definitely likes you, but you'll just have to make the first move/up your game so he knows for sure you like him back!
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (1 December 2010):
Hi there. You both met in another country. You are from the USA, but he's from another country entirely.
Although you have actually physically met, now it's become like you never met because the only method of contact since then, is via the internet or instant messaging.
He might be hesitant to message you first, just in case you don't feel the same.
The problem with long distance relationships, is after a while you do run out of things to say to each other. It can then become boring, and you might even start to argue. Things that are said via a typed message, can sometimes be misunderstood, or taken out of context.
Sending each other messages is alright for a while, but then it gets to the point where there needs to be more. The "more" of course, being that you need to be able to see each other and be physically together on a regular basis.
Sending messages is ok for a while, but it inevitably happens that you won't always be on the internet at the same time, so one of you will send a message, and then you'll be waiting for an answer to it. When an answer isn't sent, then you get disappointed and a bit angry. So what happens then, is he does message you (when he can), and you might blast him and get angry and sarcastic. So then, you've got your first argument - of many.
It's a frustrating situation to be in, because you really need to be able to see each other on a regular basis. Relationships need to have regular contact with each other - at least once or twice a week, to survive and to flourish. In a situation where you're on opposite sides of the world to each other, this is not happening. To even contemplate being able to see each other, would be far too expensive anyway.
As it's only been 2 weeks since you both first met, it's still in the very new stages of the friendship. Way too early to consider getting together again.
Already you are not speaking on a regular basis. In this situation, messaging a few days apart, is probably better than every single day, because then you will have a bit more to talk about.
Just as a matter of interest, who is "this other guy" that your friend said not to contact?
Just pace yourself with this friendship, and don't only depend on it for your entire happiness. You and this guy both have your own lives to live in between messaging each other, so try to spend some time with your friends and start enjoying life a bit more, so you don't become emotionally dependent on this overseas guy.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't keep messaging him, but more that it's not your only source of fun in life. Messaging to people, can become addictive and can even be an obsession as well. Keep that in mind. It has a magic about it.
There's going to come a time, where simply sending each messages will not be enough for either of you. You both will definitely want more than that. It will even become lonely for you eventually, because you will miss the physical closeness.
The things you miss out on are -
- Seeing each other's faces.
- Looking into each other's eyes.
- Holding each other in your arms.
- Just being together in the same room.
And so much more as well. These things are what you will both miss most. Relationships that are done by messaging, do lack any real substance. They never make up for a real life relationship, where you see each other regularly. It comes a poor second.
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A
female
reader, pixiegirls +, writes (30 November 2010):
 You need to realize that “rules” you may have always been told to follow, or have heard, are never absolute rules. Just as everyone has a unique personality, the “games” or ploys you use, may not be affective. Never just assume that playing hard to get, or not answering in three days is the best way to communicate with someone. Just as women don’t like to be played, neither do men, regardless of what “rules” they were trying to follow.
Shy people already have a high level of anxiety and fear rejection. He may just not be secure enough to initiate contact unless he is responding to a message. Asking you not to message another guy only shows how insecure he may really be. But may not feel comfortable enough to be proactive, and may have been hurt or rejected because of his shyness.
He sounds like someone that games will never work with, but being honest with him, while not overwhelming him would probably be better. You might just let him know that you do enjoy talking to him and receiving his texts (without bring up his shyness), and that you hope he feels comfortable enough in knowing he can contact you at any time. He may just need to feel at ease enough before he does initiate more contact and wanting to see you. Have you met him in person yet?
Forget any games and let him know that you do appreciate and look forward to hearing from him.
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