A
male
age
41-50,
*asonX
writes:Please don't judge me for what I write ....My wife and I have been married for 5 yrs. I love her deeply but I look at her as a whore. We have had a very interesting sex life since meeting, engaging in group sex, 3 sums, public sex and often swinging. A few weeks ago she came to me saying she was ready for a child. I cannot for the life of me think of us as parents together. I want children but not with her . I lost a lot of respect for her once we started experimenting sexually. I don't see how should could teach a chidl self respect when she has none. She has let more guys in her then I can count. How do I explain to her I don not want kids with her.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 March 2010):
 The whole question was worded wrong. Here's why I would have asked it:
"My wife and I had experimented with sex with multiple partners for years. I was tired of it but she continues this swinging lifestyle. I want to settle down and have kids and I don't feel she is a good candidate because she is disregarding my wishes to have a monogamous relationship. What should I do and how should I confront her about this?"
This way he wouldn't get so many attacks from people.
I think it's possible his wife read this post and was pissed off.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (19 March 2010):
 Whatever Mr... your advice is no help at all, as I said before the poster has moved past all of this, and wasn't looking for your defence.
Now do you have any advice or suggestions that will actually help, or are you just here to look down upon the rest of us.
I'm gone.. I'd rather not get into arguments which are far removed from this guys life and current circumstances.
Good luck Jason, I hope things are going well with you.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (18 March 2010):
Lonely Two, this is a long conversation that we aunts have had with Jason. He accepts that we were offended by his words about his wife, and we felt the need to defend her. He has apologised, and we have all moved on.
Please read the conversation more carefully next time. No one here has judged Jason or his wife for their lifestyle. However, some people like me are now judging her harshly for giving up this wonderfully man and walking out of her marriage.
No woman deserves to be called whore unless she gets paid, and even then she's a professional sex worker, who is helping people in need.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 March 2010):
Wonderful Jason, thanks for the update, got to admit, I was a little worried about you. Glad your looking into what this means and how you'll rebuild your future in a better way...
As you say, everything happens for a reason.. :)
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (3 March 2010):
 Thanks for your update. Just follow your destiny.
You will become a stronger person and what the devil takes , God will give you more in abundance.
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A
male
reader, jasonX +, writes (3 March 2010):
jasonX is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell everyone, after many drunken days and nights I have come to realize that what has happened has happened for a reason. I have been seeing a lawyer and a counselor (realized I had more issues then I thought. I not really lookign to date any one rigth now, but I have met a pretty amazing girl at work,total opposite from my wife. thanks to all of you that took the time to answer my questions and for those who found it in your heart to not look at me as a bad guy.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (18 February 2010):
In times like this, you should not go abegging after her.
She would despise and look down upon you and run further away from you.
Instead go chase other girls or date any willing girl. If possible find a new g/f quickly and make her seethe with green envy.
Show her that you can be happy even without her. This will be sweet revenge .
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (18 February 2010):
Don't be a defeatist! Be an optimist. Look at the situation in a more positive way.
You will be OK after you have drowned your sorrows and get a big hangover. Pick up the pieces and start a new life.
You are now single and available . Congrats on your new status!
You can now go out and date as many girls as you want .Enjoy your new status before it will be taken away from you again.
Appearances can be very deceptive.What you see may not be what you think.Your perceptions could also be wrong.
When she is alone and lonely , she will have regrets and remorse about leaving you .
It is like she is walking in a stupor and don't really know what she is doing.The realization has not sunk in yet.When she wakes up , she will be more rational.
Her conscience would be troubled and she will have no peace .It will torment her day and night.
It is not only you are in pain, she is too.It is her pride, ego and vanity to prove that you were wrong and that you must suffer for that decision.
Human beings are creatures of habit.They would want to go back to their old habitat after they find their new surroundings are worse than the old one.
Be patient and treat it like a long holiday.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): and i know others personally that im fixin to push back in the pit.....
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (17 February 2010):
LAWYER!!!!!! You got to get one of those right away.... no more booze, you got to protect yourself.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (17 February 2010):
Yea.. please stay off the alcohol and booze... I don't want her to see you crushed and needy, as you said, there's already enough talk. You got to keep your head clear and held high. What's wrong with a man wanting to have a normal married life.
Where's the bloody talk, where's her reasons, her explainations.. just walk out, just like that.... grrrrrr
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 February 2010):
 Well you've only wasted 5 years and in my opinion it wasn't much of a marriage anyway. I mean that "forsaking all others" kinda flew out the window at the get go. So pull yourself up by your bootstraps, stick out your chin, start making yourself visible around town (sober). If you can do some volunteer work for a worthy cause it might be a good idea. People will see you in a different light and so will your ex. You also will feel better about yourself. No more pity parties, it's time for action.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (17 February 2010):
To q1605;- Thank you for your opinions.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (17 February 2010):
Jason, has she had any sexual abuse in her childhood, or abusive relationships in the past?
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (17 February 2010):
I don't like her so much no more....no thank you, no talk... nothing... at the moment, I got a lot of nasty words to say about that lady.... sorry.... she dosen't bloody deserve you. I so wanted things to go well. :(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): there are a couple of things that i want to say...first the past cannot ever be changed. It will always be part of what shaped you into who you become. This is not the end sweetheart. At this moment you feel like no one respects you, you think no one ever will, you despise yourself and you are trying to self destruct. its possible that no one respects you. But that does not mean they never will. It wont happen overnight. But some of the people i respect the most have stories as bad or worse than yours. They made decisions to change. And they overcame. There will be good women who will be willing to date you if you are a good man. I have personal friends who have crawled up out of degradation to places of respect in the community. You wont get there drunk sweetheart, its time for a deep breathe and a firm resolve. Its time to focus on jason and what he can become. You have the potential for a good strong man. Its up to you to realize that potential. This will make you better or bitter. Your destiny is up to you. I believe you will come thru this. I believe that one day you will like who you have become. You will have the respect of those who know your story and those who dont. Hang on honey, the sun will shine for you again. ..Mal
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (17 February 2010):
Sorry to hear that. Your marriage maybe technically over but it is still not the end yet .You just lost another battle but the war is not over yet.
I have seen woman like her floating from one guy to another and then wanting to go back to the original husband.
Time will tell.
Try to keep your communications lines open with her. Be loving and kind to her and it may change her mind.
Women are fickle minded creatures and they can change without notice.
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A
male
reader, jasonX +, writes (17 February 2010):
jasonX is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell,it's offical my marriage is over. My wife called me yesterday and asked if she could come by and get the rest of her things. I thought it would be a great time to try and talk things over with her, but instead she showed up with a guy that she worked with. She told me that she was renting his basement apartment from him and that she had already made an appointment to see a lawyer. The look he gave me when she said that was like he was happy, so I came right out and asked if they were sleeping together and she said she was a grown woman who could sleep with who ever she wanted then he walked over and put his arm around her. It took a lot of energy to not go over and kick the crap out of the both of them right there, but I walked away.
I know I brought all of this on myself. I just didn't excpet it to end this way. I spent the greater part of the last few days drunk , trying to figure out where I go from here and I just don't know what to do.I love her ands always will. I know that there is no way I can ever have a normal relationship in this town,. no respectful woman will ever want to date me, why would they, right. I think I will always be known as the guy that shared his wife. I have heard it, my friends have heard and my co workers are pretty much laughjing at me saying "what did you think would happen?". I can honestly say I have no idea what I thougth would happen at the time. I guess I was caught up in the thrill, the moment what ever it was. And now I'm stuck in hole I can't dig myself out of.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 February 2010):
Hi Jason.. thinking of you today on 14th February, hope things are going a little better for you.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (14 February 2010):
Thank you Miamine for your warmth welcome .I deeply appreciate your kind thoughts .
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (13 February 2010):
sorry.. OFF TOPIC, but it's nice to see you back Laura.. with your spirtality moving the world, there is never no judgement, people are people, and you always have that guiding light to solve every problem or leave us with wisdom instead. In your world people who love find that all mountains are small. Welcome back honeypie, we missed you
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (13 February 2010):
To true Mal, you always got to look at the man (woman) in the mirror.. there are compromises you can make, you can talk.. but if you can't look yourself in the mirror, then it's the wrong decision and it's the wrong way.. :(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): Q as much grief as i gave you this week, i will have to say that you are 100% right on the money on this one. and miamine....just great answers. jason honey, i dont know what the future holds either, but i know that it could not go on like it was. get thru one hour at a time. dont worry about the days, weeks, months and years. Focus on the next step. there will be a day when you look back on this time as a time of the beginning...but right now it looks like the end. i have no idea what your wife will do. but i know that you can get thru this. in the end you will have self respect. and really thats the only thing in life you can control. work on the man you face in the mirror. when he is pleased with you....you will have been successful in life. and YES you CAN change your life. its never easy, but it can be done. hang in there buddy, mal
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (13 February 2010):
Exactly Q.. live and let live, have fun, one life to live..
But Jason's not happy, and you know how kids change things.. Jason's story is different, but it would be good for people with minor stories to hear what he has to say.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (13 February 2010):
Damn Q .... I was already feeling sad over Jason and his wife's story... so much love, different interests make it difficult to work...
And now you go and hit me with this....
"She will be the one that go's down as the person that turned her back on love. She will be known as the cruel and heartless one that turned down a shot at mending fence's and creating a family where once there was none just to continue pursuing cheap and meaningless sex."
You got it in one.. :(
Jason, as I said, I'm feeling that everyone liked your wife... they sure took a lot of time to defend her. Compromise works sometimes, she likes adventurous sex, you've done it already so it's no new thing to you.. kids is a problem though.... you don't want a swinging lifestyle with kids involved. As I said many couples have sex and can organise themselves to keep adults business private....
Right now, I would love to be a fly on the wall to see what she is thinking..
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (13 February 2010):
The kind of life she wants to lead is just meaningless and empty . In the end ,she would feel being used ,lonely, dirty and stupid.
If she wants to self destruct,there is nothing much you can do about it.She will have to go to the very depth of despair before she can turn around.
Sometimes , it could be due to a mid life crisis or temporary insanity where they become irrational and unbalanced.
You did your very best in that circumstances and it is just unfortunate that your good works are not appreciated.
There is a silver lining in those dark clouds. Try to think more positive always.
Her leaving is not the end of this episode. It is just an intermission or time out .It can only end when death separates us.
There is still hope and faith that she will realize her mistakes and come back to the right path.A period of separation wouldl bring her to her senses and realize her folly's.
If she does not come back , it means that your destiny and hers have gone separate ways.Accept the reality and move on with your life without her.
You can only keep sowing your good deeds and some day you will reap bountifully.
Don't apportion blame on anyone because we are only human and make mistakes.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (13 February 2010):
Jason, she hasn't just gone like that babes.. you two are married, walking out isn't the end of the story. We had to push you to make a decision, you were so angry with her, you were starting to loose respect.... Wait, she'll be calling soon, but I don't know if she will change her mind or if adventurous sex means so much to her.
She'll find it hard to find a guy who will accept her lifestyle, she'll find it hard to find a man who loves her as much as you do. Go to sleep, it's late, tomorrow is another day and you need to be clear headed when she calls and she's ready to talk.
I was hoping things would end differently, but it's not over yet...
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A
male
reader, jasonX +, writes (13 February 2010):
jasonX is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow could she at one moment what to have kids with me and the next leave. It makes no sence. All I wanted to do was give her what she wanted... a baby, but I wanted her to feel loved and wanted by me. It's like I tried to be the good guy and I get kicked in the balls. I am so pissed at myself and her right now. I am stuck in a crappy town I didn't want to move ot because hse wanted to, I bougth the house she wanted, I did ever thing she wanted yet she couldn't do this for me, in the end I am the bad guy that is sitting alone at home drunk. I hate women
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (12 February 2010):
 Gentlemen, you are facing emotional crisis. It is all in emotional crisis. You love your wife, but she do not wish to play the role of 'wife' with you, which will be more hurting to you then anything else. Only sex cannot please all the time, to have sex is one thing, but to have sex with love is most admirable and satisfying thing.
You have seen both aspect of life, and your decision is matured and admirable. I would love to encourage your decision. Be firm, and work to reorganize your life. Love is acceptance in totality, and when acceptance in totality is not possible than it can not be love. Your wife cannot accept you as you are and reverse is also true, you cannot accept her as she is.
So, please be bold, face the reality as it is, and be sure that you have time to reorganize your life with most relevant choice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): well, you have to ask yourself why your wife is constantly seeking that type of sexual gratification. The outcome will be bad in the end for her. No one will want her.
For her as well. She will never get the gratification she is seeking. Does she want to feel desired, does she have an unusually high sex drive? Either way, material gratification is not the answer. It is a never ending black hole of wanting the next thing, and each time it will have to get more extreme.
She is unhealthy for you. THe best thing in life is to be surrounded by good quality people. She is bringing you down. This is a blessing.
IF you are a good guy, you will find a good woman, who will find gratifcation in a meaningful connection, rather than an empty woman who needs to get penetrated to feel any kind of stimulation from life.
You did the right thing. Be tough. It is always a great loss to lose anyone.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (12 February 2010):
I am sorry to hear that your wife have chosen to walk that road. It is sad but it is still not the end yet.
She may have regrets after a period of separations and may want to come back to you . She could have taken that decision too hastily without much after thoughts.
You need to stand your ground and be patient.Do what ever it takes as long as your conscience does not troubles you.
Let cooler heads prevail.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): oh honey right now you are just hurting and for that I'm really sorry. it will not be easy, no one thinks it will be, but be true to the path that you have chosen. in the end it will make you a better man. i have found that everyone has regrets. the harshest among us sometimes have more to hide than anyone. i certainly have some huge regrets. i have found that you can never go back and redo. you can only try to be a better person from this day forward. to those who condemn you for your past...so be it. there are repercussions for our deeds. there is a price to pay. sadly we live with cause and effect. but the sooner you begin taking care of those things the quicker you can move forward. it will not be easy, and i would tell you to find a support system somewhere, somehow. it is crucial to your well being. don't be embarrassed to come on here and ask for support. there are many good and caring "aunts " and uncles here that will be there for you to lean on.you wont be the first and you wont be the last. my heart goes out to you and i wish you strength and courage for the journey, mal
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (12 February 2010):
 I do think you got what you deserved: freedom from a wife who is not capable of loving you the way you need to be.
Don't look at this as the end, but the beginning of a new life for yourself, perhaps in a new town, with new people, and new experiences.
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A
male
reader, jasonX +, writes (12 February 2010):
jasonX is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell folks, I did what you all said I talked to my wife gave her time to think and today when I came home form work she was packing her things and moving out! The only thing she said to me was "I hope you find some one that makes you happy." I asked her to rethink things, I told her I loved her. SHe asked me if I could continue what we were doing and when I said no she said she couldn't stay. SO now I am sitting here alone, in a town that I hate, with people who know that I let other men fuck my wife and now she is out fucking someone else and I am alone.
I know some of you are thinking that I got what I deserved but I never wanted her to leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): good luck, dude. you know you've done the right thing by talking to her about this. you're a good guy. i hope counseling works out for your two if you get it. and if it doesn't, i hope you can find someone who can see more on the same page that you do.
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female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (10 February 2010):
 You know what, we have a saying how you fixed your bed thats how you sleep in your bed, so if you fixed your bed like a scramble paper that not matter what you do even you iron it'll still scramble. Then be it. Dont expect that people here will think you are clean ang your wife is not, because you are more mess than she is. at least she marry you and she knew exactly what she is doing. But you" you marry her but you didnt know exactly what you are doing. I wish she leave you and never even see you anymore, because she dont deserve you.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 February 2010):
Jason, Jason, Jason.. thank you very much. Sorry we are asking you to stir up a hornets nest by being truthful and putting things on the line. But this is necessary, things can't go on like this, the truth needs to be told. I am hoping with all my heart that your wife understands what she will be given up if she looses you. I hope she'll have the courage and strength to follow you in your new lifestyle. You are right, counselling would be helpful to you to make sense of what you've done and how you feel about it. Good luck to you and your wife. We are all hoping that she chooses you and everything turns out alright.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (10 February 2010):
It is great that you had a one to one talk with her on this issue. You need to communicate with each other about your wants and aspirations and seek a consensus about the directions you want to go.
She may not respond immediately but you have given her food for thoughts.Give her some time to think over.
Have faith in God and my prayers for you and your wife to reconcile your differences and to overcome all those obstacles and mental blocks.
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (10 February 2010):
I'm happy to hear that you were honest with your wife--and yourself--about the whole situation. Good job, Jason, and good luck!
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta +, writes (10 February 2010):
Gentlemen, I love and admire you for listening our well balanced opinion. I note your this statement, 'I will not judge my wife for what we did together , I won't hold that against her,. I just want to put it all behind us thats all."
However you note that your wife is not with you, with your new vision about sex life...that blank face. Even though you want to try counseling, is also good.
And last thing, if it do not work, then you are free with your judgment. In such case, be firm in telling your judgment.If she is not ready to cooperate with you, with proper respect, then you are not at fault, but I hope all will be well at the end. I think from your post that she also love you, and wanted to be with you, and wanted to have children with you.
I advise you to start to learn " Tantra Vision" with your wife, which say lot of thing about spiritual aspect of sex life, which is more exciting and pleasuring even in normal family type couple relations. Tantra is science; spiritual science, which will fill your sex life with new fresh air.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): My hat is off to you honey. It is a start and at the end of the day you will know where you stand. i truly hope that this works out for you. hang in there and keep us posted, mal
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male
reader, jasonX +, writes (10 February 2010):
jasonX is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand how most of you have very harsh thought on me and I do know that it was wrong for me to say such a harsh word about my wife. I did take a lot of your advice and did some soul searching. I sat up all night and thought about our relationship and all the things I love about her, and how we had let our marriage get to this point.I realized that I have a lot of anger issues built up inside over letting this happen and I think that deep down I let it continue for this long because I was afraid of losing her and had such low self esteem. This morning at breakfast I told her how I felt and how I couldn't continue on living the life style we had, I explained to her that I never thoght it would be so often and how I personaly hated the thought of her with another man, and how I think I continued it for as long as I did out of guilt that I even let it happen the first time. I told her that I want to go to marriage counciling (I also think I may need some one on one couciling to get over all of this myself), and that I wanted her to take the day to think about everything before she made up her mind. I did tell her that I could not continue our marruage this way, that I wanted just her and her only and that if she could do that for me then I would fill our house with happy babies and take care of her. She seemed pretty blank, and said nothing. I just hope that she does take this day to reflect on everything.
I am not a bad person, I know that I won't get a lot of sympathy from most of you , but I really do want to change. I will not judge my wife for what we did together , I won't hold that against her,. I just want to put it all behind us thats all.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (10 February 2010):
"Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned, forgive, and ye shall be forgiven."
~Luke 6:37~
Do not judge others or you will be judged with the same high standards you used to judge others.
I would advise you to have more patience, more forgiving and more compassionate to your wife.
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
It is not self-seeking, nor easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongdoing.
It does not delight in evil,
But rejoices in the truth.
It always protects, trusts, hopes, and preserves.
There is nothing love cannot face;
There is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things that last forever:
Faith, hope, and love;
But the greatest of them all is love.
~1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Everything happens because God wills it to happen. I believed that one day you will see the truth and it will set you free.
You asked us not to judge you but you have judged and condemned your wife . You have not given her a chance or opportunity to come back to the right path.
You have become her judge,jury and executioner.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): as i see it there are three options open at this point in the day...1) Don't have kids 2)Talk to your wife with an ultimatum....she stops and has kids or you go 3)have kids and keep swinging.
the problems are that with #1...you really want kids. you are thru with the wild young years and are ready to settle down to one wife, and children. So this thought really doesn't appeal to you. #2 you don't think you can talk your wife into stopping. and truthfully if she does it for the reasons that are laid out and not because she wants to will it still be in her heart and will you trust her? #3 you don't want to bring children into this mess. and honestly even without kiddos i think you are just sick of sharing your wife. The only answer here and i do mean the only answer is for somehow you and your wife to get on the same page. there will have to be a compromise somewhere. and I'm not sure a compromise can be reached without some changes in the hearts. i feel for you...like so many things in life people live for what makes me happy here and now with no thought of the long term consequences. i wont judge your choices but it makes me thankful for my one mate, whom i raise my kidlets with.
at the end of the day i think that you are going to have to find someone with the same hopes and dreams for the future. otherwise the future for you is one of a childless swinger. my heart actually goes out to both you and your wife. she because the man she married was on the same page and now wants to change the rules....and you because you are now ready to change and the woman you love isn't. its a very very tough question honey..good luck and please keep us posted, mal
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 February 2010):
Totally understood Katyani, if you look down, you'll see an apology from me as well.. :)
Mr husband, as you can see, we want you and your wife to be a happy.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 February 2010):
hahaha.. sorry original poster, for some reason, it seems like all the aunts and uncles have fallen in love with your wife, and keep thinking about what's best for her and are ignoring your valid complaints.. she must be one hell of a woman.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 February 2010):
Harsh and unfair Katyayni, he said he just wants the sex games to stop, so they can settle down to have a normal family. Yes he played, but now he wants to stop and she won't. He loves her, but he can't get her to leave other people alone.
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male
reader, bharat mehta +, writes (9 February 2010):
Be pleased to read this your statement,'We have had a very interesting sex life since meeting, engaging in group sex, 3 sums, public sex and often"
To use sex for enjoyment is one thing, and certainly to use sex to have a children is another thing. But, How one can say that former is immoral, when done with mind's consent? It is done for 'PLEASURE', and not for 'MONEY'. The second category is certainly 'IMMORAL'. And, the word 'WHORE' is proper, if sex is used for earning money.
This is- I think, is dividing line between morality and immorality.
I suggest, you both can discuss morality. You both can change your sex life, and promise each other to follow the new decision. There is still a space to respect your wife, if she agree with your new judgment.
Sex is not bad thing, but it has bad use. Your emotion of admiration should be based on mutual admiration. If your wife do not show proper respect for you, then you are right in condemning her. I am just suggesting to check if marriage is saved for good point. If her respect and love for you is honest and not fraud, then you should invite second thought on the matter.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 February 2010):
mmmm.. time for some old fashioned man behaviour..
Do what you said, grab your wife and shake her and tell her.. "NO BLOODY MORE! I WANT YOU, I DON'T WANT OTHER PEOPLE HERE NO MORE..." maybe it's time to stand up to her and stop letting her call all the tunes. It's your marriage too, maybe it's time to stop following her around and start taking control.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (9 February 2010):
Slezzy!!!! NO! There are far too many judgemental people here for what is supposed to be an advice site for people with sexual or relationship problems. From what I can understand our aunts and uncles mostly were only defending your wife from your rude attacks. We are not the moral police, we shouldn't judge what people do sexually. I don't do "swinging" just like I don't do anal sex, but that's my choice. I do understand why people get attracted to trying other sexual things.
Swinging is a hard one. Many millions of people raise families and are happy having multiple partners in their marriage. But it's all about consent. Two people have to like this lifestyle, or else it can't work and it creates bitterness. You and her are mismatched. Like a good husband you agreed to share in her "hobby" to keep her happy. But you don't like it much and it's not what you want, you two are mismatched. Again, is there any possiblity of having a serious talk to her about the way you feel. Or maybe booking in with a marriage counsellor to find some type of compromise. I don't know, maybe a night of sexual excess once or twice a year might keep her happy and stop her from getting bored.
The problem with swinging is that there is so much choice, so much adrenaline and excitement. It's very hard for people who enjoy that type of thing to go back to normal man-woman "vanilla" sex. Sorry husband that we can't help you and solve your problem with the wave of a magic wand. Unless she realises how unhappy this is making you and chooses to put you and her marriage first, I agree, children won't suit you at all. Children will just make you more determined to give up this lifestyle or leave because you don't think that it is right.
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reader, jasonX +, writes (9 February 2010):
jasonX is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do LOVE my wife, and yes I did engage willingly in these activites. BUT when they first started I never thought that they would become such a big part of our marriage. After each time I would think ok that was fun, but now I want my wife to myself. But she was always go a head and arrange something more. I try very hard to make her happy, and I do love her. When we got married I pictured us with lots of kids, but I also pictured us being the only ones involved in our sex lifes. If she came to me today and I said that she wanted to stop everything and let it just be us in our bedroom.I would grab her up and take her on the best vacation and try to make babies. I just do not want children involved in our messed up life. And for some reason I cann't see her changing.
Yes,I know I was involved. I know I was a slezzy to do those things too. I think about that daily. But at least I am trying to stop them , trying to do the right thing. As for the poster talking about STD's been there got tested and I'm clean.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (9 February 2010):
"My point is that no matter how unpopular this O.P. is, he is fundamentally still just a man who has changed his mind about being married to his wife"
Hold your horses anonymous, I don't remember this guy saying he didn't want his wife. You seem to have your own agenda, that's nothing to do with this guy's personal case. This guy doesn't want kids with the wife he loves and is angry with. Your putting words in his mouth that he did not say, please read his post and follow up response again.
We are waiting on a response from the original poster to see what he's going to do about staying married or seeking a separation or divorce.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): Carrot2000, I think I understand your point but I do not think you are understanding mine.
Does an abused person not have the right to seek a divorce just because they already knew their spouse was an abuser before the wedding date? After all, when the abused person got married they were agreeing to live with that aspect of their partner. (Many abused spouses even encourage the bad treatment and find it emotionally and sexually attractive, despite all the damage it does them in the long run.)
My point is that no matter how unpopular this O.P. is, he is fundamentally still just a man who has changed his mind about being married to his wife. It's always unfortunate when a once happy marriage ends, but this guy is not deserving of any special criticism for his decision.
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reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (9 February 2010):
Anon,
There are many posts on this site from men who discovered their wives had been promiscuous in the past (before marriage) and they feel they have been deceived. Unlike these men, the poster of this question has participated in threesome, public sex, swinging, etc. WITH his wife for the past 5 years!
He was not mislead. Chances are, his wife was all freaky-deaky before he married her and that behavior continued into their marriage--with his approval.
My opinion was based on information provided in the original post. Now that he has given an update, we now have
a fuller picture of the situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): Im seriously not having a go but how can you say that you have lost respect for her when you engage in this type of behaviour just as much as she does. Also what nice self respecting girl would want to go out with you or have your babies if she knew what you had been up to? You are not an innocent victim with the morals of a saint, not by a long shot. All I can say is if you get with someone else please please tell them what you have gotten up to because any future partners have a right to know exactly WHAT they are getting themselves into. Also get a full STD check before you sleep with anyone else. Im not sure either of you should be parents by the sounds of things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): Carrot2000, how does the before/after have anything to do with it?
As if the women in my example who marry jerks just didn't know their husbands were jerks when they got married. Right.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (9 February 2010):
Actually I was flippant with my answer, because I'm angry the way you talk about your wife. But the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. She really needs to know that the "swinging" scene has made you loose respect for her.
As far as I know, "swinging" needs the consent of TWO partners, you and her. As soon as one person changes their mind, then having sex with other people becomes "adultery". You no longer want to live this lifestyle, and she seems hooked on it and has no wish to change. You say you love her, and you probably do. But you don't want to continue and the fact that she dose is making you angry.
How did you imagine this marriage will continue to work. Are you gonna allow her to sleep with other people and stay quietly at home. Are you gonna force yourself to join in, and hate her every time you do it, until you finally can't take no more. And what about children, she's not good enough to be a mother, but you love her and never mentioned divorce. Dose that mean you will never have children, you'll just continuing screwing around, and regretting the fact that no kid will call you dad. Or are you planning to dump her and find yourself a faithful woman who might bore you in bed, but bakes nice cookies, and is what you see as a proper kind of mum?
How the hell is this thing supposed to work out. That's why you really need to tell her exactly what this "swinging" has started to do to your relationship and your feelings for her. Somehow I don't think you'll feel better about her until she decides to give it up, and even then after all you've seen, I'm not sure you'll ever regard her highly.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (9 February 2010):
You know what.. show her your post, show her exactly what you wrote to us. Then she will understand exactly what you think of her. I don't think she'll mention anything more about children, and all your problems will be solved.
I am so glad that I could help with your problem, the solution seems as clear as daylight to me. :)
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reader, jasonX +, writes (9 February 2010):
jasonX is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAt the time I thought it was all in fun and after each time I would think "I won't let it happen again", then SHE would bring it up again. I have told her that I am done. I want a normal relationship and she said that she likes the way things are, she doesn't want to change. I don't want to have kids at home with a siter while we are out fucking others. I want to be a parent, a normal one.
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reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (9 February 2010):
Male Anon, if a woman came on here spouting the same crap I'd be all over her ass, too. If the poster said he found out AFTER they were married that his wife engaged in all kinds of freaky stuff, I'd be more understanding. But the fact that he participated in the fun, too, makes him a hypocrite.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (9 February 2010):
I wouldn't want to have a child with a gigolo either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): This discussion is funny to me. This guy is sure unpopular.
I guess only women are allowed to indulge in fun relationships based on lust & attraction, and then discover that they still really want a different kind of partner when the factors of long term marriage and parenting start to come into play.
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reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (9 February 2010):
If you lost respect for her when you were experimenting, why did you continue? Because you enjoyed it, that's why! Now you have the nerve to question HER morals and HER values and HER ability to parent. If she's going to be a bad mom, then you are also going to suck as a dad because you engaged in all of that freaky shit with her. How can YOU teach a child self-respect when you have none? After all, no self-respecting man would allow his wife to sleep with a bunch of other guys, would he? And while you can't count how many men she's had in her, how many women did you run up in?
The sad thing is that if she hadn't done all of those things, you probably still would have wound up on DC complaining that your wife is not sexually adventurous enough.
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reader, eddie +, writes (9 February 2010):
 This must be a joke.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): if started not respecting her than you shouldn't have married her, but i am wondering something here would you feel the same as you do if this was a mans sexual past and not a womans who happens to be your wife and the person you supposedly loved. if you really loved her than you'd have respect for her and actually consider having babies with her and apparently your problem is that shes to experimentle in your guy's sex life, DUDE YOU WERE THERE TO! you were there when you guys had sex in public and all that other crap you started spouting about. and you know what you didn't tell us anything about your sexuall past just hers, and you know what people make mistakes it doesnt mean that you get to be an ass becuase you happen to not like them. everybody has a past some are just more colorful than others and if your seriesly freakin out about having babies with her then tell her why and don't come snivelling here for support here for being a close minded jack ass!
ps. i hope she leaves you, you jiant piece of poo!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): just sit your wife down & tell her the truth, obviously it is going to hurt her but if you say something to her then mabye she might wise up? if you are not interested in her anymore then you should move on with your life & tell her were to go, there is plenty more fish in the sea & most of them have respect for themselfs. good luck let me know how it goes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): call it judgment if you want, but i'd say it's realistic to observe that you suffer from a giant double standard. you have been her co-conspirator all of these years, but she's the whore, yet you are not as well?
anyways, if you don't want to have kids with her and she wants them now, maybe it's time to part ways. it's not fair to her to be lead on by you and your double standard. it's not fair for you to still be having sex and good times with this woman when you don't respect her at all.
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reader, LilPixie +, writes (8 February 2010):
 How can you expect any of us not to judge you? You're calling your own wife a whore! If she is a whore, than sure you can't be any better, after all, you engaged in all those activities too!
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