A
male
age
36-40,
*LUVMYWIFE
writes:I have been married for almost 5 years, a while back my wife and I stopped having sex as much (maybe once or twice a month) she has never had an orgasm (in her life) so I assume that is part of the reason and she just do no be in the mood. Once the sex slowed down I use to ask for sex all the time and that just made it worse. Once I stopped asking for it I began to feel unwanted, unattractive, unloved, etc.... so I was getting hit on by other attractive women who wanted to have sex with me.... like a dummy I started flirting with those women, and even tho my wife was not having sex with me just knowing there were women out there who wanted me kept me from coming home and being mad at my wife for not having sex with me. So in my twisted mind I felt like doing that was helping my marriage (helping me with being mad at my wife and helping her by me not asking her)... we had a couple of falling outs and decided to stay together I have been caught flirting multiple times and it really put a strain on the relationship. I would never physically cheat on my wife but it has been 5 months now with no sex. I have not flirted or anything but its killing me inside and I dont know what to do?.... She feels like she cant even talk to me, and she not interested in talking about anything sex realted with me. I have always wanted to try things to help her receive her first orgasm but never tried it cause she is very conservative and I was too afraid to piss her off and not get sex the little bit i was. I dont want to divorce my wife just cause of sex and I will not cheat on her cause i really do love her, but i have needs and I would do anything for her to please her and i dont understand y she will not open up to me. Its frustrating and i want it to get better rather than to give up. Its become such a big problem that even if she goes out I question if she will cheat on me, even tho i know she is a good woman but if she dont even want to kiss me, or have sex i know a total stranger will have a better chance turning her on because I am just old news with no chance on bringing the spark back in the marriage. It hurts and its tempting because there are a few attractive women that just want to have sex with me even with knowing im married. I will never do that but I dont think I can continue to be in a marriage were there is no kissing, sex, affection, or communication. We also have 2 children which makes it even more difficult. I know she isnt fully satisfied with me because of my past mistakes and im not satisfied because of what is currently going on, I have changed y wont she??? Would we be happier with somone else???...Should we just go our separate ways?? I really dont want to leave her cause I love her more than anything in this world but I have beeds and I am also miserable cause nothing is going good.
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divorce, flirt, in the mood, kissing, orgasm, spark, unloved Reply to this Question
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female
reader, AuntyMaur  +, writes (18 December 2010):
 Imagine this ! you have an accident and you can no longer can have sex- would you agree to your wife having sex with someone else - Perhaps your wife is already having an affair! hence why she doesnt want sex with you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): I'm sorry but I disagree with the male anon poster who says you are under no moral obligation to stay faithful to your wife if she refuses sex.Um, no...there is this thing called DIVORCE Marriage means being faithful as long as you are still married. It does not mean you are not allowed to leave the marriage.If you are going to stay married, then you ARE under a moral obligation to remain faithful to your wife no matter what.If you do not want or can't remain faithful, then get a divorce so you are now free from that moral obligation.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): Listen brother. If she refuses reasonable requests to have sex with you all the time then you are under no moral obligation to stay faithful to you. It isn't cheating to have sex outside your marriage if there is no sex inside the marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): I know you don't want to divorce because you have kids and you still love your wife, but marriage is about meeting each other's needs. If you go for a long time without having needs met, it will damage your relationship even more or you will be tempted to cheat.
It's better to end a marriage that is not working out, than to insist on holding on until something really really bad happens.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): it sounds like she has huge issues with you that she is not talking about. When women stop feeling positively about their partners they also stop desiring them sexually too. Then when you keep pestering her for sex it just further lowers yourself in her eyes and makes her even more turned off by you. then when you do more things that offend or hurt her - like flirting with other women - she now hates you even more.
You mention your "past mistakes"...whatever they are, it's possible that she just has never moved on past them but maybe is refusing to say anything because to admit that she is not over it is to look bad so she's trying to pretend or convince even herself that she has forgiven your past mistakes yet she hasn't and they are festering inside her and turning her mind against you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): Firstly, I feel sorry for you. U love your wife but it seems she does not love u or she is just put off u or she is having an affair.- try talking to her. Make an official appointment, no disturbances. Write down everything u want to discuss. Tell her everything. How u are feeling, your actual thoughts, your fears, dreams, needs- ask her outright if there is some one else. Do not be like other spouses and think just bec my spouse is so good and decent they will not cheat. Do your homework.- personally I feel your spouse is very selfish to cut off all affection and sex from you. What has made her do this? Any crises, bad experiences, any trauma or is she just full of her self and punishing u for something u did/did not do?- tell her you want to go to a marriage counselor. Force her. If she wants to save your marriage she will agree.- I also want to congratulate u on not cheating on your wife. But soon, very soon after u have tried to get to the bottom of the problem, u will have to make a decision. Either stay in a cold unaffectionate, unloving marriage or divorce her in order for u to experience love and affection. Do not cheat on her while u are going through this process. Then when u leave at least u can say u tried everything, u left no stone unturned in your attempt to save your marriage . Walk away proud , do the right thing for your kids and rebuild your life. This is a sad situation. Many people here on DC can identify with. Too many couples are just coasting through their marriages, unable to bond, unable to express their true thoughts, feelings, desires. No love, affection, no bloody intimacy. Why???LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, pink nails  +, writes (11 December 2010):
go to counseling
force her to talk, for the sake of your kids and marriage
you won't get anywhere without proper communication, and it seems like she does not have any with you.
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A
female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (11 December 2010):
 AuntyMaur, give the guy a break. He isn't even cheating on her and he hasn't got any for 5 months and you tell him to be a better lover. Do you know how many women HAVE NOT had an orgasm ever? The last I read, it's just above 30% of the US population. Oh, and some women can't get off during cunnilingus anyways.
ILUVMYWIFE, have you tried counseling? I know some people give it a bad rap, but one of my friends is currently going with her man and it's helping. Maybe there are issues that you are not even aware of that are hurting her. They may not even have to do with you or your relationship. You obviously love your wife, you've made that very apparent. Ask her how she feels about counseling. If she asks why, be honest with her. Tell her what you have said here. You feel unwanted due to the lack of sex. Sex creates a bond between partners, and you obviously are not getting that.
Good luck with it all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): I also am like your wife for some reason I'm not intrested in him not sex I still think about it all the time but just not w/him. We had a lot of trouble in the beggining of our marriage and it pushed me away so much I don't look @ it the same we worked out our problems and all but the sex thing came out of nowhere and the more he asked the more I hated it. It got to the point where I would rather divorce then have sex and its not because he's unattractive its because I love him but not inlove anymore. The only thing is 5 months is a realy realy long time sorry to say but she must have somebody or something on her mind there's no such thing as hating sex its more to it try to work it out if not u need to move on that's being way to selfish your still young,what's gonna happen when u guys r older live in seperate rooms what's left. Good luck!!
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A
female
reader, AuntyMaur +, writes (10 December 2010):
learn how to do Oral sex so the poor woman can have an orgasmn. Be a better lover.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (10 December 2010):
 I think that if you want to save your marriage you two need marriage councelling. There are bigger issues that she's not vocalizing. No progress can be made without communication. I think you need to seek help in facilitating that communication.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (10 December 2010):
 There are many steps and answers that you can go through in order to attempt to fix this marriage.
First off. Sex is really important in a relationship, especially when it comes to marriage. True it isn't the only important factor, but it's something that brings two people together. I can definitely understand where your frustration is coming from, and it wasn't right that your wife wouldn't participate in sex for long lengths of time. That being said though. Maybe her lack of a sex drive had to do with her being busy and tired from raising two kids? There are a lot of personal factors that kill libido, and the fact that she had sex with you often before this marriage confirms that it isn't her personal beliefs, but something different in her life.
You should have talked to her in the first place, or maybe suggested therapy for the two of you, because the fact that you flirted with other women has even further damaged her drive to have sex with you. You broke her trust, and she now associates sex with you as something no longer private, special, or personal. You have to cut off these urges to flirt with other women and focus on your wife.
I would sit her down and explain why you feel you flirted with other women without sound like you are blaming her. You need to tell her without giving her pressure that sex is important between a husband and wife. If she is still unwilling to talk, then you need to end it with a suggestion of couples therapy. She has a lot of issues to deal with now on top of whatever was bothering her before, and that's trust issues with you. It also sounds that there are more issues in this relationship than just sex. If she is unwilling to talk about anything at all, then the ultimate choice is a divorce. It's not just about withholding sex, but now it's about refusing to communicate, which makes a doomed relationship. Best of luck.
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