A
female
age
36-40,
*hloebabeechick
writes:So I have been dating this guy for about 7 months and while I adore him, we had a discussion and he said he was not ready to commit to me, so I began to date other people. He s 38 and I'm 25, he's white and I'm black, he has a very supportive involved family and I don't, so I feel sometimes we don't have very much in common. He has gotten angry with me, saying obviously I don't care about him if I'm dating other people and accusing me of talking to other people that I'm dating when I'm with him (I often stay at his house for 2 or 3 days). But I don't understand, honestly, and I'm not going to wait around like a dope until he decides to commit. I've very casually dated but I haven't met anyone I really liked until recently. It's a Russian guy that I met actually around the same time I met him, but I initially blew him off due to the fact I thought he wasn't my type, he seemed very aggressive, self-centered and vain. Anyway I gave him my number just to be polite although I had no intention of meeting him again or dating him. He continued to text me over the months although I never responded, he also sent me many photos of himself. It became somewhat of a running joke between me and my friends as he seemed so self-centered and absurdly vain and kept sending me Zoolander-like professional photos although I never responded to him. One day a couple of weeks ago, my friend (who knows Russian), suggested I mess around with him and use some Russian phrases. So we were messing with the guy, but to make a long story short, it opened a window, we started conversing and I agreed to meet him over dinner. To my shock, I actually really liked him! He's 35, intelligent, well-read and well traveled, and he's a very likeable individual. So I feel horrible now that I started talking to him as a joke. But he is kind of obsessed with me (he talked about what our kids would look like on our first date, his phone is filled with photos of me and he wants to see me constantly) and that turns me off a little though I do find him physically and mentally attractive. All and all I feel I may hurt him because I'm dating someone else and started talking to him as a joke. To make matters worse I just slept with him too because I was angry with the guy I'm seeing. Now we've made up and I'm set to see the Russian guy tonight and now I feel like I'm hiding things from two people and this could go horribly wrong for me. Even though the first guy I'm seeing won't commit (which is why I started dating others in the first place) I know he'd dump me certainly if I were even semi-seriously dating someone. And the Russian guy has no idea I'm still seeing this guy (I told him he was in my past) and he's so crazy about me while having no idea how much I'm keeping from him. Honestly I want to try with both and see how it goes, because while I'm crazy about the first guy, I feel unfulfilled because he won't commit and the Russian guy takes me out on awesome dates and makes me feel amazing, but I've only known him really for a few weeks. I'm not "cheating" on anyone so I'm not really doing anything wrong, I just worry with both being so involved in my life one or both will find out and I'll have no one. Am I within my rights since I have no commitment?
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female
reader, Nonamus +, writes (11 December 2010):
If the first guy doesn't want to commit, then to me that means you are free to date others. The Russian guys sounds much more interesting.
A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (10 December 2010):
 Well, I would say that you need to step back then if you feel you have to lie. Lying is never a good thing, especially when it comes to dating. If the first guy keeps asking "where you're at", then just respond 'on a date, talk to you later'. That's all you have to say. If he responds negatively toward it, just calmly respond that he wasn't looking for anything serious, so that gives you the go ahead to date other people. If he continues to bother you while you're on a date, time to put your phone away. Because you aren't his girlfriend, you don't have to answer to him 24/7.
Either way, if you lose one of these guys, or both, because you are honestly telling them that you are dating other people, but are keeping an open mind for a relationship in the future, than that's there problem. If it's meant to work, it will. But it will never work on lies.
As for the Russian guy? You don't need to tell him about your sexual life. That's none of his business. However if he does question or refer to the seriousness of your two's relationship, again I would mention that you are casually seeing other people at the time being. Any further detail is seriously none of his business either. You don't have to lie, I just have a feeling that you are afraid of losing both of their attention at the moment. In the end, things could get really messy if the 'lie' continues. Just a heads up for a potential future.
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A
female
reader, chloebabeechick +, writes (10 December 2010):
chloebabeechick is verified as being by the original poster of the question See, the only thing is that I kind of have to lie. The first guy and I are usually in constant, constant contact throughout the day. He's always asking where I am or what I'm doing and if I do not respond rapidly enough he gets suspicious. I've tried to ease up on the level of contact but it always reverts back to that. And the Russian guy is really intense and seems to want to get rapidly serious. I'm trying to slow that down, but I'm sure he doesn't want to hear I'm still sleeping with the "douchebag" I told him abouy. I don't want to lie but I feel I have to.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (10 December 2010):
 If you're definition of dating is "seeing" someone, i.e. that gray area before a relationship then yes you're well within your rights. Another thing is you're going to have to own up to the fact that you're also seeing other people. They deserve to know there is another but they don't need to know the details. It's also wise to practice safe sex, as in they're wearing a condom every time and you're on a form of birth control.
Another thing is this casual dating will catch up to you, one gets ticked off you're not going to commit because you're seeing someone else and move on. Then you'll have one but not the one you really want. Or it could all blow up in your face and then you're left alone. After a while, you will have to choose one or the other. I'd go with the Russian.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (10 December 2010):
I think you are a hundred percent in your right to do what you're doing. As long as you haven't told either of these guys that you are in a committed relationship with them, then all you're doing is seeing other people. The first guy said that he doesn't want anything serious, and the second guy it sounds like you are still in the stages of dating. They don't need to know how many other people you are seeing casually, simply because it is none of their business.
However, if they asked if you are seeing other people, I would never lie. Lying tends to bite you in the end, and if you end up choosing to be with one in an actual relationship, it just means that you have to end whoever else you are seeing. I dated casually (two guys at a time) and they knew I was seeing other people (they asked). I told them that it was perfectly fine if they saw other people as well, and eventually I ended up in a relationship with one of them. And we are happy together. :) I never lied to him once about my dating habits, and I ultimately picked him in the end under full honesty.
So have fun, keep your wits about you, and don't lead anyone on. Best of luck to you.
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