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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi,I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. I love him so much; he is gorgeous, intelligent good job etc. I could not ask for someone better. From what he has told me he feels the same way about me. However we have big relationship problems, which have led to me doing something awful!!He is not a good communicator and I have many insecurities. He has lied to me in the past (about talking to past girlfriends – through email etc) which has led me to distrust him. I also have problems of my own, low self esteem etc. This combination has led to huge problems in our relationship, we constantly row, and we rarely have sex even though we are only in our twenties. This leads to more insecurities on my part (thoughts of him not finding me attractive, being with other people etc). We have tried to talk about it but it always ends up the same way but we both know we want to stay together. However, I recently met a guy who I get along with; he is fun and is constantly complimenting me. I told my boyfriend about this guy. I do not find him sexually attractive nor do I want a relationship with him. One night I went out with him and his friends ( my boyfriend knew I was going out with him) got very very drunk and ended up sleeping with him. I don’t know why I did it, it is very disturbing really. Maybe I was curious I don’t know- it doesn’t make sense in my head. Anyway, the sex was terrible, my boyfriend is so much better. Immediately I regretted it and do not want anything to do with this guy, I have broken all contact.I feel so unbelievably sick right now, I know if I tell my boyfriend it will ruin everything that we have together and he will probably leave me. I understand why he would want to do that but I also know that if I tell him it will hurt him so much and if we are to stay together it will cause even more problems in our relationship. Having slept with this guy really makes me realise that I don’t want to be with anyone else, the thoughts make me feel so sick inside. However there is a part of me inside that tells me I must tell my boyfriend. My boyfriend knows I have mental issues such as low self esteem and insecurities, he believes that I do crazy things because of this but I know if he found out about this crazy thing he would go crazy. Maybe he would understand and forgive me but I really don’t know. I really feel I should tell him but then I think is it really worth it. I mean I know now that I really love him so much, and will do everything to make our relationship work and telling him is just going to make things worse. The thoughts of not being with him make me want to die. I don’t want to be with any one else ever. I feel so miserable and confused.I don’t want to tell anyone else what has happened as I feel there could be a chance it will get back to my boyfriend. Therefore I have no one else to discuss this with. Please any advice will help me. What should i do? If i don't tell him will the guilt go away or just eat me up inside and lead to more peoblems in my head?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): Personally, I would tell him.A. You tell him. He might dump you. Or he might not.B. You don't tell him. He never finds out. But you feel bad keeping this from him. And it becomes a burden on you every day. Also, you always feel you are in his favour. C. You don't tell him. He finds out. He dumps you.Be strong! :)
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male
reader, RosesAreRed86  +, writes (7 November 2009):
You are right anonymous, I should have just said "so few decent PEOPLE" instead of "so few decent WOMEN". Didn't mean to offend anyone. I am certainly not one of those males who would tell a cheater not to tell the truth. I hate all cheaters and liars.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): "It really disgusts and appalls me how many women there are out there who tell all these cheaters to keep it to themselves and not tell their significant others. There are so few decent women left out there. "
Hi Roses, i think this is a very very harsh statement generalising about women. it must be pointed out that MEN on this site too very aften advise cheaters not to speak the truth.
Bluntly put, there are too few decent men and women around.
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male
reader, RosesAreRed86 +, writes (27 October 2009):
Cheating on a man is literally the absolute worst thing you can do to him. It is far worse than emptying his bank account, totaling his car and burning all of his possessions.That being said, given the fact that you had the courage to tell him you have really redeemed yourself in my eyes. Doing so took a lot of bravery on your part but was definitely the right thing to do. Keeping secrets from your partner is the same as violating their trust, which is the cornerstone of any relationship. It really disgusts and appalls me how many women there are out there who tell all these cheaters to keep it to themselves and not tell their significant others. There are so few decent women left out there.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): To the OP, you may feel that i was not helpful in anyway but i think my candid comments actually pushed you to make a decision to be HONEST with the bf. I think it shocked you into doing the right thing. To R AND B 2. I normally agree with what you post but this time i humbly disagree. When a couple are in a COMMITTED relationship, there is no room for cheating. There should not be one set for partners and one set for married couples. A legal piece of paper shouldn’t define what is more acceptable and what is not. once you start making a distinction, then the real issues crop up. when you are in an exclusive relationship, whether married or not, cheating is cheating, is cheating.........And to Grimm. YOU are still my hero. You are consistent with your responses and you tell it like it is. Hard but necessary!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): I am sorry Grimm, I disagree with you on some of your points.
I don't think this is a justification forum, I think you and the female anon have taken some of her comments or reasons for what she did and have run with it and chewed her a new one.
I hate cheaters and I don't think it is ever justified to cheat in a committed relationship whether married or not.
I do think that if it is a one time mistake, a one night stand and was sort of triggered by her unhappiness with her relationship and the problems she has with the relationship and she comes away regretful and having learned something about herself and what is important then she is rather selfish and self serving to tell her boyfriend about it and I will tell you why.
Telling someone of a sexual indiscretion does not make a relationship stronger, if it had been an ongoing affair then absolutely she should disclose to give the boyfriend the option to leave the relationship or to work on the issues.
If her goal is to work on herself and her relationship, then telling her boyfriend about this one incident serves the purpose of dumping her guilty conscious on him.
It is like holding a very hot baked potato (guilt) and then tossing it to him and saying, now you deal with it (my guilt). It only opens him up to emotional pain that he doesn't need to deal with as she will never do this to him again. If she chooses to leave the relationship, she will break up with him. If she chooses to stay she will have the confidence to bring up issues and conflict and deal with that, not by going off and having a one night stand to make herself feel better.
I don't think telling serves her boyfriend or her relationship. It is a selfish thing to tell and now she will most likely lose the relationship and it will be about her cheating rather than about the problems that already exist in the relationship. Her boyfriend will go away not having learned anything other than to not trust women. He will not learn about the mistakes he was making in the relationship that lead to her unhappiness and his.
Usually cheating is not just about the sex with a stranger it is a symptom of problems already present in the relationship, it is not the fault of the cheated on spouse or partner as the cheater made that choice for their own reasons instead of turning towards their partner and trying to work on the relationship.
Now she has driven a deeper wedge by telling, she will most likely not have made her relationship stronger, but a loss of trust has been established due to her off loading her guilty feelings onto her partner. It wasn't warranted in this situation and it won't help her with her relationship which she wishes to perserve at the very least and to make better by adjusting her own behavior and asking for the support and help of her partner.
So I don't think punishing her and villifying her is going to keep this couple together....or help her in any way with her problem which she came on here for advice.
I draw a much harder line myself with married couples. Because I don't care how committed you say you are when you are dating, it is not the same as standing in front of God and everyone else and promising to love honor and cherish until death do you part. This man has never fully committed to her, he hasn't asked her to marry her after four long years, and he may have never intended to ask her for all we know....so no matter how flat a pancake is it always has two sides....right?
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male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (22 October 2009):
 Just becuase you "told him" does not leave you with any right to determine the future of your relationship. You lost that right the minute you screwed somebody elseYou think his love for you is strong...don't be so sure. These things have a tendency to gnaw at a guy who has just been made out to be a sucker for a cheater. Yeah maybe he tells you now he is ok with ity, but now he has to deal with thye visions of you with someone else..Your love is strong, huh? we'll see about that. HOW SMUG! You may rip Female Anonymous but she is right 100 percent. This forum is a justification party most of the time. The fact remains that cheaters are selfish, careless people who never take into account the needless hurt they cause if they would just be HONEST IN THE FIRST PLACE!And the fact that you became defensive and insulted her is proof positive that you have absolutely no clue as to the hurt you have caused. What you did is not a mistake, it was a selfish stupid act that by your response and your "epiphany" (like "look mommy, I told the truth...now give me some candy") indicates you simply have not reached the maturity level necessary to be involved in a romantic relationship of any kind.I am sure you will be cheating on your man again sometime down the road, because your original post and the subsequent response has all the earmrks of a serial cheater.You are now making all these promises to us as to what you are going to do. Why promise us anything? It's not us you have to impress...well maybe the justification you came here to seek and only partially received has made you hungry for approvalApparently your man is a doormat who let you off lightly. I feel very sorry for him. Because you will do this to him again...of that I am sure.If he had an ounce of common sense he would find the nearest curb and dump you off at it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell guys, I told him today. I told him everything and he was angry at first, he calmed down and is now thinking about things - I think we have a lot to work on but I think and I hope we will make it. As we both really want to make it work.
The reason i was contemplating on not telling is not because i wanted to cover up my mistakes it is because i hated lying to him, i want to be honest with him and i hated keeping this from him, I also did not want to see him get hurt.
Our love for each other is strong enough to get through this. Also i think this will make our relationship stronger, i realise what could have happened if i lost him and that scares me to death. I am going to put more effort into our relationship, go to therapy stop drinking what ever it takes and hopefully he will do the same. I am really so lucky to have such an understanding boyfriend
As for the comments made by "A female reader, anonymous" i think you have some real issues of your own. Your comments did not help me in anyway, i felt it was not advice but a slander full of hate and resentment due to some past experiences you may have had.
Thanks to everybody else for giving me some supportive/constructive advice - it really helped me think things through and make the right decision. This experience has also made me less judgemental towards others.
Anyway, thanks again. Wish me luck.
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male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (21 October 2009):
Just when I thought there was consensus I ran across this question..To quote Frank Costanza"SERENITY NOW! SERENITY NOW! SERENITY NOW"!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): Dear r and b, “We pardon women cheaters (most of the time) and we condone men who stray’. It should have read “ condemn men who stray” . please do not take this opinion/statement personally. It is merely highlighting the inconsistencies when responding to aspects dealing with cheating. R & B, i agree with you, this 4 year relationship may have passed its sell by date.
I just want to add the following as well:
The only reason the OP decided not to confess to sleeping with the other man is this: SHE IS SAFEGUARDING HER OWN INTERESTS. She now claims not to stray again. Whether it is a 4 yr old marriage or relationship, the same rules should apply. She is in a committed relationship and being in a relationship of this nature she should have known better. When she was removing her panties and the rest of her clothing during her sexual escapades, where was her concern for her bfs wellbeing then? Have you heard of the “deliberately unintentional” concept.
“Maybe I was curious I don’t know-..............As for my boyfriend, i know i love him so much, and never want to hurt him in anyway - it would kill me to see him so hurt so..........” you loved your bf so much that you repay his love by doing the dirty with someone else. Your great love speaks volumes! It is actions and not empty words that speak volumes. Having a low self esteem does not justify cheating. It just cheapens the act even more. It is like saying “i was sooooooo drunk , should not have been driving, killed a child but i have learnt from my mistake, i won’t kill again. “ see this is after the fact. See how ludicrous this argument then becomes? Our OP, was feeling appreciated by this other man, she enjoyed his company, she enjoyed his compliments. In fact she KNEW that she was enjoying being with him a bit too much. Surely there should have been some sort of boundaries she should have established. Oh, but wait, because she suffered from low self esteem, it justifies her cheating?? See, i am not grasping the concept and the reason why she cheated.
I repeat myself (again), the only reason she would not confess is to safeguard herself. Her lying has nothing to do with hurting her bf, it has nothing to do with loving him, it has nothing to do with sparing his feelings. But it has everything to do with serving her own interests. It means that she does not own up to her actions. It means that she will continue to hoodwink her bf. It means that she is not ACCOUNTABLE. And in not being accountable, It means that she is DISHONEST and self serving.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): Last week I sneaked out to a neighboring town and killed someone with an axe. But there's no point in sending me to jail for it because I have already learned my lesson. I thought it would be fun but it wasn't. So I swear I won't do it anymore. Turning myself in and going to jail for decades would only succeed in wasting one more life because of this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): Excuse me female anom...."On this site women have the false perception regarding indiscretions. We pardon women cheaters (most of the time) and we condone men who stray. It sends out the wrong message every time, just as it will with your situation."If you are going to criticize the advice given here by the aunts, then have the courage to not post anonymously.First off, I don't know what the hell you are referring to when you say "we" (who is this we?) pardon women cheaters and condone men who stray.What advice have you been reading? Nothing you say here applies.The OP has not been "pardoned" for straying, she clearly states that she did the wrong thing, she isn't asking to be pardoned, she is asking whether or not it is the wise thing to do to tell her boyfriend about it.I think the general opinion is no, that it will only lead to more hurt and pain to offload her guilt by doing so.She is dating the man, she isn't married to him, what she did was stupid, wrong, didn't solve anything for her and she swears she won't let it happen again. Not telling him does not suggest pardoning her for her indiscretion, but telling him will not serve a purpose in this situation either.Frankly, I think the couple sounds like they have problems in their relationship and she is unhappy. My suggestion to her was to pardon herself right out of this four year relationship that doesn't seem to be progressing....but the decision is clearly hers to make.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): You claim to have had mental issues therefore you had sex with another man. You said that “He has lied to me in the past (about talking to past girlfriends – through email etc) which has led me to distrust him.” All he did was talk to ex bf’s, you did worse, you actually deliberately and knowingly had sex with another man. Your bf trusted you. And you rewarded his trust by going out and having sex. Wow, good on you!!!!!!!!!! To tell or not to tell?? No matter what i tell you you will connive and deliberately lie and cover up. Strange how after a nights f*cking the other guy , now you decide that your bf is the man you love?? Where was the feeling while you were engaging in sexual intercourse with this other man? I am not understanding this. What happens the next time you drink? Will you go out and drown your sorrows with another round of sex with someone else? I think you think you are being pardoned by all for your indiscretion. You claim to now be suffering from immense guilt. Well by lying, by deliberately withholding the truth , your so called self esteem issues will only fester. Think very carefully as to what you are choosing to do. When that choice is made, it defines the person you will become. On this site women have the false perception regarding indiscretions. We pardon women cheaters (most of the time) and we condone men who stray. It sends out the wrong message every time, just as it will with your situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): I think four years is a long time to have the same boyfriend at your ages. You have admitted that you have major relationship problems.I agree with kc about you just wanting to off load your guilt, don't do it.I think you need to assess whether or not this relationship of yours has run its course and it is time to be single again.If your boyfriend has a good job as you say he does, why doesn't he marry you? Surely, by now he knows if you are the ONE.Maybe he doesn't and he is just happy stringing you along until he finds someone else or decides to be single himself?I think there are some issues that you are not willing to face such as these. Get up your courage to have that discussion instead of your drunken one night fling.
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female
reader, torngirl  +, writes (21 October 2009):
Everyone is different but I know I would want to be told. My boyfriend recently cheated on me and told me about it. It hurt, but a lot less than it would if I'd found out about it another way. Also, the thought that we could have continued as we were with him having slept with someone else and me never find out sickens me.I think if your boyfriend means what you say he does, you owe it to him to tell him. Perhaps it will be the end of your relationship and perhaps that will turn out to not be such a bad thing in the long run, painful as it feels now. Or alternatively it could be the wake up call to stop hiding difficult subjects under the carpet and finally address them once and for all. For your own self esteem and sense of self worth, you need to identify what you wanted to gain from this. Whether it was a feeling of being needed, wanted, feeling attractive, or whether you did this as an act of revenge, escape or something completely different, please take the time to look at this and figure out what it meant to you. Your sense of who you are, what you stand for and altering any behaviours you don't like are crucial to being able to live as a person you respect. Being happy with yourself is the first step towards having a happy relationship with others. Of course, I know all too well that this is easier said than done!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionk_c100: wow - thanks for making the time to answer my question. I know this will never happen again, im 200% sure. I have thought about it so much - it consumes me.I know that the most honest thing to do is tell him but i don't think that is necessarily the best thing to do. Having read your comments and having weighed out the pros and cons - I don't think I will tell him. I am going to stop drinking and I am also going to go see a therapist to deal with some of my issues. As for my boyfriend, i know i love him so much, and never want to hurt him in anyway - it would kill me to see him so hurt so im just going to be the best girlfriend i can be, and really work on our relationship. Anyway, thanks again for your help. Much appreciated!
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (21 October 2009):
 Ask yourself this - what happens if you get drunk again on another night out and have argued with your boyfriend that day? Do you know deep down that you will never ever sleep with another man again, no matter how drunk you might be? Basically can you trust yourself never to cheat again? Or do you have doubts and think there is a chance that if you were that drunk again you might cheat again?
I personally believe that it isnt always best to tell your partner if you have cheated, but there are rules and circumstances to that. I think that often the only reason people admit to cheating is because they need to offload the guilt onto someone else. And realistically what has telling them achieved? You have hurt them massively, ruined your relationship and for what? So you feel less guilty? The guilt only turns into pain if you tell him, believe me.
In your case because you were drunk and it was a one night thing (rather than an affair) then you have got the opportunity here not to tell him. But you have to be 110% certain that you will never, ever cheat again. And I mean certain! You have to trust yourself in all situations, so that is when drinking with other male friends, when on a girls night out....etc. If you worry that you could possibly do it again then you have to tell him - one night of drunken bad sex can be put down as a mistake but twice is not acceptable and is a sign you shouldnt be in a relationship.
As for your ability to handle the guilt - well if you have a few "mental" issues as you say then I dont think you will handle it well and might well lead to more problems in your head. Because with guilt it either consumes you or you are strong enough to forget all about it and never let it into your head again. The chances with you are that this guilt wont go away for a long time so you will end up projecting your guilt onto your boyfriend, by acting cold with him and being more arumentative and less trusting with him. Because you know that you have cheated so in your head every time some little thing (often innocent thing) will make you paranoid he is cheating. Guilt often leads to paranoia and the one who has actually cheated becomes obsessed with the idea that their partner will do the same to them so your trust for your boyfriend will go out of the window.
It is up to you what you choose to do - decide if you can trust yourself not to cheat ever again, decide if you can handle the guilt and then take it from there. I personally wouldnt tell him because you would lose more than you will gain by telling him, but that is just me who would be able to put it down as a stupid mistake and move on, I would be ok to just let the guilt go away and try and be the best girlfriend I could be from now on. But this is you we are talking about - you know yourself better than anyone so do you honestly think you can handle the guilt and not let it affect your behaviour? The answer to that question should make it easier to make a decision as to telling him or not.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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female
reader, bitch +, writes (21 October 2009):
Look, you don't have to say anything. It was a mistake. I think we all make mistakes. You are not married to this boyfriend. You guys have problems or I am sure you would not have cheated on him. You both need to communicate better or end your relationship because this could happen again since you are not truly 100% happy in your relationship with him. I would not feel bad, it was a mistake. Just learn from it and move on and be a better person from it. We all learn from our mistakes and become better people. That is what a mistake teaches us. You can become better now. Learn from this. That is the best thing that can come out of this experience.
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female
reader, brunettebarbie +, writes (21 October 2009):
 You need to tell your boyfriend what happened, the more you leave it the more harder it will get for you to tell him. The truth always comes out someway or another.
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