A
female
age
41-50,
*ammy27
writes:please help.I have been with my guy for about 4 years now. the problem is he is still very much in contact with his ex who he was only with for a year! he has met up with her behind my back and they are always txting and calling eachother.. he lies to me by telling me that he dosnt talk to her or txt her but i have seen the evidence myself! he also said that if he wanted her back then he would not be with me... we live together and he never ever txts me. i have asked him to stop talking to her and tell her to back off but he comes out with the excuse that they dont talk but i know they do... what should i do?? he clearly wont let go of her... she is also with someone else now and has a baby with this person but they wont move on
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (12 October 2009):
 You've heard of intuition. That's what you have to rely on. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. So, you have to read between the lines. Where someone kept their logs, now makes sure they are deleted, doesn't that too show a certain level of guilt, or needing to hide something?
You two have a major honesty, or trust gap. If nothing is going on, their wouldn't be any reason to hide it, right? So, he wouldn't be so careful about making sure the evidence is erased. So, how long are you willing to put up with dishonesty? Why do you feel you have to stay in this situation? Why not demand to be treated well? Isn't that your right in a relationship to expect being treated well? I think so, and that you need to demand you be treated with respect, and truth and trust. That's the least that you deserve.
A
female
reader, sammy27 +, writes (11 October 2009):
sammy27 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmy problem is i have no prof at the mo because he now deletes all call and txt history on his phone. what should i do ?
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 October 2009):
The problem is not his talking to his ex, it's his lying about it. Although I have kids with my ex, so I have to remain in contact. I tell my fiance when I have and what our conversation was about, because I have nothing to hide from her. A big part of trust is telling the truth. A relationship that works, must have trust, or at some point its going to crumble. Think of trust as being the foundation which your relationship is built on, if that foundation starts cracking, everything built on it will begin to loose strength too.
Saying "I could have her back and not be with you." that's not an excuse and doesn't justify his talking to her. All it does is compares you with her. That's not right. He should want to be with you because of you, without his ex coming into his reasons why.
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A
male
reader, GuyWriter +, writes (11 October 2009):
 I dont think its fair to say you over her, he was with her a year of his life and that is a fairly long time for some people, they were obviosly close but better as friends state them breaking up, she sounds like shes in a happy relationship with child, so doubt she wants to break up her new family unit, and he is happy with you else he wouldnt be with you, stop worrying though i understand where you come from,though does he pay attention to you when your at home? does he make you feel wanted at other times? if not then prehaps then ask him to choose, but if he does accept their friendship, because im sure he would much rather be with you.
Best Wishes
x
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A
female
reader, sammy27 +, writes (11 October 2009):
sammy27 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks guys, i guess your right... i just love him so much and i guess i have been fooling myself into thinking it will stop.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 October 2009):
It comes down to this. He has to make a choice. You or her. And yoou need to make it clear that you will not be seocnd best. He's lying to you about keeping in contact, so the chances are he really has never got over her. Don't be second best. Make him choose. If he doesnt' want you, end it and find a good guy who will commit to you and you only.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (11 October 2009):
Well you either have to lock him in a box and take away his phone.
Or you tell him to make a choice.
Either he cuts contact for good, by telling her over the phone, in front of you, or you walk away.
But the tough bit is you actually have to mean it. You have to be prepared to walk away if he's not prepared to put you over her.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, shane in dallas +, writes (11 October 2009):
 He is a liar. He lies. Ok, now knowing that, think about why you want to be with him. Why do you love him? Do you love him? Is he just convenient? You already know you deserve better or you wouldn't have posted. Do you want the next 4 years to be the same? If he won't let go of her, then he can't hold you.
His issues have already ruined your trust for him. If he won't move on then, you're just a distraction for him while he can't be with her. That would be an unfulfilling life for you. You need to be in a relationship where you are not only number 1, but the only one.
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