A
female
age
41-50,
*ialight
writes:I have been going out with my boyfriend for 10 months now and he still does not want to have sex with me. I have brought this up a number of times and his answer is that he does not want to dissapoint me. I have tried to make he feel comfortable in bed and put no pressure on but all he ever does is kiss me, does not touch any part on me apart from my arms and gets upset if I try to take things further. He ends up coming on my pjs or nightdress. This is as far as he will go and this has only happened propably about five to six times in ten months. I confronted him over a month ago and said I was feeling very frustrated with the lack of contact or sex. I suggested we go and see a counsellor together to discuss our sex life problems.When he gets into bed he turns away from me and just goes to sleep. But he tells me he loves me all the time? I am now feeling very angry with him and know that I am picking at him about petty stuff just lately. To be honest I am really considering breaking up with him as I cannot see a future. I love him but I just don't know what to do anymore?
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male
reader, bytex64  +, writes (16 June 2007):
 I am reminded of a quote from the great Dr. Drew Pinsky: "He's gay."
Ruling out homosexuality, I will bet you dollars to dildos that he does want to have sex with you. Men are hard-wired for it -- the only times we don't think about sex is when we're thinking about beer or cars. So there's something else going on. Here's what comes to mind:
1) Religion. Is he saving himself for marriage? There's not a whole lot you can do about this one, except maybe tying him down and forcing yourself on him.
2) Anxiety. Have you had more partners than him? Is he a virgin? He might be nervous that he won't "measure up" when the time comes (pun not intended). Try to put his mind at ease
3) Fear. Maybe he's afraid of getting you pregnant, or that he might get a STD. If he hasn't been properly educated on sex, he might not be skittish about the risks. Or maybe he's just too embarrased to go buy a condom.
4) Psychological issues. Maybe he's just wired differently, or perhaps he was sexually abused as a child. There's a lot that can go wrong in the brain.
Regardless, there's something he's not telling you, and you have to get him to admit it before any progress can be made. Once you figure out what's stopping him, you can work together to help him through it.
A
female
reader, Carina  +, writes (16 June 2007):
 Hmmm. I can understand your frustration and it does sound a bit strange. Very sensible of you to suggest counselling. What was his reaction? It may be there's something he's embarrassed about and doesn't want to tell you. Tell him that if he won't go to a counsellor with you, would he go on his own to try to find out what the problem is? Point out that he will be very unhappy through life if he doesn't sort it out, whether or not he's with you in the end. He owes it to himself.
Approach it from the angle of helping himself rather than you. I know it's difficult, but try to take the pressure off having sex as such. Tell him you're more concerned about touching and cuddling.
I think if you love this guy then it's worth hanging in there for a while to support him through this. If things haven't changed at all in a few months time, then I agree that you might be better off breaking up. However the chances are this is something that can be dealt with.
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A
female
reader, myp +, writes (16 June 2007):
 is he a virgin? he sounds like he has real self-esteem issues. Talk about it, he seems open to communication he jus sounds scared hes not going to be enough for you.
best of luck
-Myesha
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