A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm stuck in an abusive relationship and I have a way out, but I never take it. I'm 23 and I've been with my boyfriend since I was 14 and we have a house together. For the past three years or so he has been mean and abusive. He shouts at me, hits me and sleeps with other women behind my back. I know this because my friends have seen him in clubs chatting up other women and leaving with them.Around four months ago, I met a guy at work. He is very lovely, he's nice to me and we got on great from the start. I came in to work once with a black eye and bruises on my ribs. He asked me what had happened and I used the old 'fell down the stairs' or 'walked in to a door' excuse. He didn't believe me and took me in to one of the meeting rooms for a private talk. I immediately opened up to him, I burst in to tears and told him what was going on and I showed him my bruised ribs. I grabbed on to him, I just needed to hug someone. He held on to me, he was very gentle with me and, for the first time in years, I felt safe. He told me that I should call the police but I was afraid that they would just release him after a couple of hours and he would come after me and I'd end up in a worse state then I was then.About a month passed, my guy at work was always looking out for me and doing things to cheer me up. He made me feel so happy. Then, one day, I came in battered again. He took me in to the meeting room again and I held him while I cried my eyes out. He was so nice, he said that he would stay with me all day to make sure I was ok. It was then that he touched me gently on my cheek. It sent shivers down my spine. I knew then that I had developed feelings for him.During the next month I went everywhere with him during working hours. We even went on our lunch together. We started holding hands together when we went out for our lunch. He's the owner of the business, he's only a few years older than me I'm 23 and he's 26, and he gave me a new position working directly for him so I was always by his side. As I said earlier, I felt so safe around him. I ended up beaten again by my abusive boyfriend soon after. Apparently, I hadn't cleaned up properly and was lazy while he did all the work. I ran out of the house and rang my work guy begging him to let me stay with him. He came and picked me up from a street corner, crying my eyes out and in pain. He drove me to his house and he made up the spare room for me. He sat me down, made me a cup of Horlicks and comforted me. I was too scared to close my eyes and go to sleep so we stayed up together. He said that he won't be going in to work that day and neither would I as I need to rest and he will make sure that I am ok. I cuddled up to him on the settee and I fell asleep in his arms. I woke up a few hours later, he was still awake and he was still holding me. He asked me if I wanted something to drink, I said yes and he brought me some juice. I said to him that I wish I could be him and that I was falling in love with him. At first I immediatley regretted saying it as I thought I would scare him off but he said that he was falling in love with me too and if I were his then he would never mistreat me and he'd take care of me. He touched me on the cheek again. That was all I needed and I moved towards him to kiss him. When we kissed it was the most wonderful feeling that I have ever experienced. He was so gentle with his kisses, he made me feel so special. I then told him that I wanted to make love with him. He said he wanted to make love with me too. We went to his bedroom and we maded the most wonderful, slow, love that I have ever imagined. He held me in his arms afterwards and I never wanted to let go. I told him then and there that I wanted to be with him and he said the same. But I'm too scared to leave my abusive boyfriend. Why? I don't understand. I have this wonderful man waiting for me. I think I'm just scared of what will happen if I leave him. I've made love with my wonderful new man quite a few times and I have now discovered that I am pregnant. It is his, no doubt about it as I haven't slept with my abusive boyfriend for a long time. My new guy knows that I am pregnant and is over the moon. But why don't I leave my abusive boyfriend? I recently overheard my new man telling a collegue that he had bought an engagement ring and was going to ask me to marry him as soon as I move in with him. When I heard this, I ran to the bathroom and cried my eyes out with happiness. I want this more than anything but I'm too scared to leave. Please help me!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2009): Oh my that sounds a little like a situation that I was in a few years ago. I was with a man for eight years from the time I was 15 to 23 he was so mean and abusive he hurt me so many times. I have been in the hospital once because of him. One day I finally got the courage to just leave him. But I had nobody there to support me I did it on my own. You are very lucky that you have someone there. Since this guy is your boss ask him to help you move one day when your boyfriend is at work get out of the situation. It will all be over soon and you will have the man you deserve. By the way I cried when I read your story it took me back to the place I don't want to be anymore. In a few years your boyfriend will be a distant memory and you will forget about all the abuse and heartache he has caused you. Until you read a story like your own, that makes you cry your eyes out. Like I just did. It has been three years almost to the day that I left my ex and I have never been happier. Please do yourself a favor just leave you will be scared at first I know I was. You will get past it just leave please I want to help you so much. I would help you if you didn't live "across the pond". I know abusive relationships are so hard to deal with, but you must leave. This new man seems to really care about you, let him love you the way a woman should be loved.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2009): Good advice here, you NEED a plan. There's only 1 thing missing. You need to CALL him. (AFTER you've left) If you suddenly leave and cut him off-- These kind of guys get very revengeful. They will hunt you down. So it's important to call him to defuse the situation. Just be honest, and say "I don't feel safe anymore..our lives are destructive and we both need help...I just can't live this way anymore"
I would NOT stay with your new boyfriend during this transition. Your ex is likely to get steaming mad and do something violent. (you need to think of the safety of your baby too)
Even though your new boyfriend is helpin you, Don't depend on him completely throught this transition. You NEED to be in a shelter or some place safe and speak to counselors about this past abuse. They will tell you things you never knew, and how to help you.
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A
female
reader, Too Sensitive  +, writes (13 February 2009):
Try this link for Love and the Stockholm Syndrome (the first one did not work):
http://drjoecarver.makeswebsites.com/clients/49355/File/love_and_stockholm_syndrome.html
Good luck to you, and let us know how you are doing.
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A
female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (13 February 2009):
I wish I had more time to respond in-depth to your situation, but in the meantime, do yourself a favor and read these two articles:
The Loser:
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
Love and the Stockholm Syndrome:
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=469
Make a plan, protect yourself, and get out. Be strong - for your own sake. You can do it. You've got more strength and courage than you realize - it's there inside you. Tap into it and use it, for your own survival.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2009): Please call asap Women's Aid at 0808 2000 247 or visit their website http://www.womensaid.org.ukPlease plan your way out from your boyfriend's house asap. He is not safe for you nor to your future baby. If he sees you pregnant then he might KILL YOU since it's not his. Try to get help asap and GET OUT BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. Many women GET KILLED BY THEIR BOYFRIEND OR HUSBAND, and in many cases EX BOYFRIENDS and EX HUSBANDS KILL WOMEN EVEN AFTER THE RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE IS OVER. Inform the police aswell, they need to know about his ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR, and then they can protect you. Stay safe and don't be alone, you need to have a person with you. Watch your back!!P.S. Be careful with your new "boyfriend", he might be nice but he also might have hidden signs that he's actually not healthy for you. Since you are not healthy you attract only unhealthy people. Watch out for the red flags and also pay attention to the "familiar" signs like your current boyfriend has. And go to counceling you need to figure out your addiction to abuse, so that you could attract only healthy people. And think really, would you really want to be with your ABUSIVE BOYFRIEND? Would you want to get KILLED BY HIM? Has he DOne anything that shows LOVE? Love is an action and not a sweet talk. If he "loves" you by beating you up or abusing you any other way then RUN ASAP.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (13 February 2009):
 You need to start by making a plan. You need to figure out exactly what to take with you (take what is yours but take as little as possible - you dont want to give him a reason to come and find you claiming you have something of his). You also need to warn your family that you will be leaving him but make it clear that they are not to tell your boyfriend where it is you are staying.
I think it is possible for you to leave without your boyfriend knowing where you have gone - take a day off work and while your boyfriend is out at work you need to pack your things quickly and leave.
The key to getting out is organisation; think of everything from how you are going to transport your things (hire a car, get a friend to come round etc) to changing your mobile number so he cant contact you. There is a lot to think about but once you have it all set up you will feel more ready to take the leap!
It sounds like you have a wonderful man and it must be so exciting for you to have a baby on the way, you deserve to have this happiness after years of suffering. It sounds like your new man will protect you and look after you no matter what, this is the ideal situation to be in if you need to leave your current abusive partner. He would be less likely to hurt you in front of your new man so if you can move straight into your new man's place then I would suggest you do so.
You must think of your baby here, the longer you stay with your abusive partner the more you are putting that child at risk, any knock or hit you experience whilst pregnant could cause you to miscarry.
Be brave and think of your baby and your new life; this should give you all the courage you need to leave that awful excuse of a man.
Good luck to you and I wish you and your new man (and new baby!) all the happiness in the world.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (13 February 2009):
 Please please gather your courage NOW and leave your boyfriend! You are endangering an innocent human being that is growing inside you. If you had time you might want to plan ahead and take some things with you when you leave him, but your life and your child's life are far more important than material things. Please leave him NOW.If you are afraid that your abusive boyfriend will attack you at work or at your wonderful new partner, find a shelter for abused women. If necessary (or possible), get a restraining order against your abusive partner. You'd be surprised to see that there are good people around you that will give the positive support you need most now!My prayers are with you!Cat
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