A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all! I am hoping you can help me with this confusion, or tell me I am right or wrong.This is a short version, with few details, but if some details will help let me know, but I hate typing forever.I meet a guy last April. Neither of us were looking for anything, but we seemed to have found each other. At the time he had been 4 months out of a serious relationship which he had his heart crushed, I hadn't dated for 5 years, so we decided it was best to take things slow.We started to grow close and see each other a little bit more. Then one day in September, he reminded me that he wasn't ready for a relationship and still wanted time to himself, which he knows I give him a lot of. He said if I wanted to date other people that I could, but he didn't want to date anyone else. Which was weird, I am not sure if felt I was interested in someone else or what, because then he said he hadn't been dating anyone nor was interested in anyone the whole time we had been together. I told him I wasn't a big dater and that I could never date more than one person at a time. After that, I started to pull away from him, but he keep pulling me in. Wasn't long before I was with him basically every day, except maybe once or twice a week. This wasn't me, it was him asking me to come over, or assuming I was coming over and asking about dinner, but I hadn't even planned to be over there. I even get texts, when I hadn't heard from during the day, wanting to know when I be there and what I wanted to do for dinner. Usually, I would go, but a few times I stayed back.Most of the time I would stay with, cuddling and kissing, but nothing else. We had agreed to that. Then one night a few weeks ago I said I was going home. He didn't want me to, made some comments and I stayed. That night I realized I had some how fallen in love with this guy. I think at the point he told me he loved me drunk, I let me heart out too much, without realizing it.Realizing this scared me, because I had realized I was in a relationship, but wasn't sure if he was. I knew that he took care of me sick, bought me gifts, acted as couple, friends called me girlfriend, seemed to alwasy want me there, we don't fight, says he owes me the world and tells me I made his dreams come true.Well, our first fight finally happens. I told him during this, I didn't know where I stood. He says "I told you I wasn't ready for a relationship." I don't know why I am in limbo, but I am, I don't know what I want. I have feelings for you, and your friendship means a lot to me. I told him I had fallen in love with and didn't know how to be just friends with someone I loved, and we had never been just friends. I left him. A day later he was e-mailing with an ad of basically being a good friend. I responded I didn't want to be unhired help and friends with benefits (I help him with all his projects)and a fill in for time. I explained my feelings and that I couldn't just be his friend, but he wanted to figure his feelings out for me and keep moving forward more then friends we could. He never said either way, but asked me out to dinner and a movie.What is going on with this guy! I can't figure it out and don't want to stick around for nothing :-(
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female
reader, bootyboot +, writes (9 March 2009):
i agree with the above poster, love should be simple, no games!
i too have had a slightly similar situation with a guy. we dated for two months but twice he hinted it was ok if i dated other guys. i kind of ignored it, thought whatever, he'll come around. he had a girlfriend who dumped him out of the blue or something, like a year before, and was still afraid of commitment because of it. well he didn't end up coming around, and then he became distant and grumpy, so i ended it officially, and now we are FwB i guess.
men are confusing, they don't know what they want, and they string you along. i should have noticed the warning signs better, but i wanted a relationship so badly with anyone that i ignored them!
anyway, point is, this guy needs to sort himself out, so good for you for stepping away from him. let him figure his issues out, and maybe in the future he'll get a grip and you guys can date for real.
i never understood why people get so bitter and emotional after a break-up. i mean, it's part of life, we all dump and we all get dumped..that is if we have blood pumping through our veins. it's not the end of the world, there are others out there. that's why when a guy says, "oh, i've been hurt, i don't think i can handle a relationship now." i want to scream "we all get hurt, it's called freakin life, man!"
A
male
reader, gr8Guy  +, writes (14 February 2009):
Its a sensitive situation that you find yourself. However,the man has made it clear that he wants you to be just friends and had even suggested that you start dating other men. Either he is very confident that you wont find anyone as fantastic as he is or he's not madly in love with you. A man would only say this if he does not want you to feel hurt if he finds another girlfriend. You've been going out for about 10months so he should have been able to make up his mind by now. You are not getting any younger. My advice will be for your to start dating other men while you still remain just friends with him. If he is interested in you, he'll ask you to stop and start making serious efforts to chase you. If he is not bothered, then that means he may not be in love with you. Either way by exploring other options you'll not be heart broken if he does not commit to you. If its meant to be he'll most likely tell you to stop going out with other men and commit to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2009): It's hard to say what someone else's true feelings or motivations are. It could be that he still isn't over his last relationship, even though it's been a while. Maybe it left him with low self esteem, or fears of getting his heart broken again. My last relationship ended (badly, by my ex) over 4 months ago, and I've been crying all day today. It feels as bad now as when it first happened, and I honestly don't know if I ever want to fall in love again, because breakups are just so painful. Maybe he's feeling something like this.Maybe when the relationship started you were a rebound and he realizes it now. Or it could be that he likes a lot of things about you but isn't sure about others. Maybe for some reason the timing just isn't right. But shatever his reason, the end result is the same - you are on shaky ground with him, confused and upset. I don't think true love should be so hard. If someone really loves you and wants a relationship with you, he will pursue you, he won't want you to date anyone else, and he will let you know where you stand by making his feelings known. Try to forget this one and look forward to having real love with someone else.
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