| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I hate having to compete with media beauties. My boyfriend (23) admitted that the girls on TV are supposed to represent the fantasy of the ideal female. He says they're hotter than the average female because that's what they're paid for, the same as strippers, porn stars.I feel horribly insecure, as I'm sure I don't measure up! He got very angry when i brought up the subject and when I felt bad when he said that. I've always struggled with body image, and he said that and made me cry. He got angry because he says he loves me, so what if another girl is hotter? But it hurt me. I hate to think that an anorexic fake breasted whore is better than me. He said it doesn't mean I'm not beautiful or hot, just that they're the ideal and that every man would tell me the same, if they didn't they'd be lying. He says why do I complain if he can't do anything about it, it's the way it is, it's what sells. Well, he doesn't have to see males with huge packages everywhere he turns, eh? And most girls hate HUGE packages anyway 'cos it hurts. And muscles aren't what appeals to me, he knows I hate the Beckham/Pitt stereotype and even if I did want muscle, he can just go to the gym, but I can't grow breasts! I can't change my shape just like that, I can only lose weight and tone up, but there are things I can't change, but males can! It's so unfair, and he doesn't even sympathize! He doesn't see how much this affects my self steem, he thinks I'm being shallow and worrying about stupidities, but to me it's a concern! I don't want him to salivate all over someone who's hotter than me. And airbrushing... pff, but a stripper ain't airbrushed, right? This sucks!My therapist (male, also) told me that it's ok if men look, it doesn't reflect on what they feel for their partners. But I hate having to be a goodie girl and just grin and bear it, just having to deal with it and suffer in silence! Please, how can I solve this? I feel awful about my body and when I make love. I just feel unsexy. I feel awful.
View related questions:
anorexic, breasts, insecure, lose weight, muscle, porn, stripper Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2008): Hi,
You need to love yourself for who you are not for how you look?
Men in general all like to look some take it further and if they are paying for their fantasies then you have to realise they are the ones with the problems not you!!
I would not change my body shape for any man if he could not love me for who i am tough shit get lost and look elsewhere is what i'd be telling him!!
Yes it is ok to look good keep yourself fit etc; but when it borders on the "I want to look like the movie stars or pop singers we all see touched up in mags then i think maybe you have issues ask yourself why you want to be like them? for what purpose?
I have a friend who is a size 18 weighs 13 stone is 5ft 3 in and is the shapliest women i know and has a personality the width of the world! and has no shortage of men admirers and boyfriends so what's the big deal it would be a very sad world out there if we were all stick insects i personally am a size 14 and love it i have no need or desire to be a size 10!! i could'nt think of anything worse.
Love yourself for who you are you can't enjoy your life for worrying about being this perfect person none of us are perfect try and realise this i wish you well.
Gina
A
male
reader, hdell  +, writes (6 August 2008):
Your boyfiriend may talk about the ideal girl he sees on TV or in the movies, etc, but he has you. He may admire the shapely legs of a movie star but he can stroke your legs. He may admire the breasts of a movie star but he can caress yours. Let him have his imagination, but you are real to him. He fantazies about others, but he loves you. Your legs and breasts and ass are real and available to him. This make you special.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008):
I agree that your insecurity about your looks and your concerns about your BF seeing other women in the world are two different things. And I agree that you could be the most beautiful and flawless woman on earth and you could still feel insecure.
Women in the media are indeed unrealistic, but read what LazyGuy said. Men in the media are every bit as unrealistic as women. Male fake-ness in the media is just not quite as directly focused exclusively on their appearance. It's VERY true; men DO feel a lot of insecurity about how they measure up to their media counterparts in all areas of life too.
Flawless women can be kind of like candy to men. It gets our attention and we might want them impulsively. But not many men want to be married & growing old with a porno star, and nobody really wants to eat candy for three meals a day.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): "Why can't I be hotter than them? It's not fair! We were not created like those men and women, we were created as we are, with wrinkles, rolls, and bellies"
Because that is what is NOT hot or sexy. why would a guy around your age 18-21, want to date a girl who has wrinkles, a belly cellulite and rolls on them. Might as well savor our youth and get beautiful women with NO rolls, wrinkles or cellulite while we're young and it's still easy to find a woman like that. All that stuff you listed is for women in their 40s. I would much rather enjoy my and have eye candy than your "realistic" look. thx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): just concentrate on the good stuff about you. and ur probably a lot more interesting than all the porn stars and shit and a relationship isnt based just on physical stuff.
...............................
A
female
reader, hollydawn  +, writes (25 July 2008):
ahh im sorry that you feel this way. i feel the same about my face, it feels like everyone has a prettyer face than me. i can put on makeup but i carnt transforme my face to be all pretty and cute, so i might be slim but its not like men are going to look me in the bum and tell me how much they love me.
i reel like my face really lets me down. i feel luycky to have this body because if not then no men would not even look at me.and my body is devently not like a skiny anarexik big boobd bimbo, it's just a good shape. i think everyone has insacurites, and mine is my face and it hurts me to thik that my boyfriend will look at all the pretty faces but i do know that if he didnt think i was all beautiful then he wouldnt be with me. to him im all comletly atractive. you must be to him.
you should completly pretend that you have changed your atitude and be like god i dnt know what i was thinking before, i totaly see where you were comeing from now, that there are alot hotter men than you. you should just pretend that you have had a change of mind about how you feel about you and the brad pit men and stuff. you should make him feel inadiquited as he has made you feel then see him drop to the floor like an ant. truth is there will always be someone better looking and worse looking thn areselfs. you should just totaly pretend that you can see things from his point of veiw, and be like there bodys are so nice looking and looking at a biger penus next to a smaller one looks alot nice, more satisfying and more capable. you should say that must be why they ALWAYS stick masive penuses in porno moveis, cuz idealy that is what women want. and then you can see how he feels to feel like he not good enought. i know two wrongs dnt make a right but i think that is maybe the only way he will know how it feels if you do that. whenever my boyfreind has stared at women and made me feel like there all better than me i have tuck my chance and done the same to him and he would hate it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2008): get a female therapist. they understand better. i know from experiece. xoxo
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2008): Oh my God, Yos, that was cute and funny... although a bit sad. It's a reflection of things nowadays, isn't it?
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (25 July 2008):
 Your therapy should be helping, thats the main route for you to improve. In the mean time it can be good to remind ourselves of how much of a 'fantasy' those images really are:
http://www.threadless.com/product/1000/Runnin_Rhino#zoom
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2008): If guys don't want such a girl, then why do they dream and fantasize about them? If they want a real girl, why do they crave and desire a fake one?
...............................
A
female
reader, domino21 +, writes (25 July 2008):
 A lot of women feel insecure when it comes to the medias portrayal of women. Im not going to lie I tend to compare myself as well. But to be honest every guy I've ever met/date/friends has liked to look at them but every single guy has a different ideal when it comes to the girl they date. Your boyfriend is gunna look.. hes a guy. You cant tell me you not gunna look when you see a yummy toned guy on the tv. But theres a difference because he wants to be with you. He may look at that body type but he likes being with you. I think its great that you talking to someone. I hope that helps you. When I went it helped me out. Just remember the girls on tv are the type guys dream about but they arent the ones they wanna be with at the end of the night. Most guys want a real girl by their side.
...............................
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (25 July 2008):
Oh and just another thing to add...
If say you were to get the figure just like the majority of women on tv, I can say with 100% confidence it will not cure your insecurities. This is because no matter how great you look, no matter how much people say 'your beautiful', you wont feel beautiful on the inside until you yourself can see it and believe it. You need to work on the insecurities, not changing your body.
Those women who you see as amazingly beautiful can have deep insecurities just like you.
...............................
A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (25 July 2008):
There are two issues here.
One is you feeling so insecure about your looks. Alot of the issue does lie with you and I say that because you said you have struggeled with self esteem for a long time. So your insecurities have been there all along and you havent dealt with them.
So when your bf says what he said, of course you are going to react how you reacted. I think part of the issue lies wiht him too though as his reaction to your feelings being urt was VERY insesntiive. So he has to take ownership here to.
Your bf can have his opinions, but it doesnt mean he has to vocalise them all if they are going to offend or upset some people, especially you his gf.
You shoudlnt have to just grin and bear it. If he goes on and on about how beautiful women in the media are in front of you, then hes not being sensitive to your feelings, in fact hes not even considering them. You need to tell him that you understand he finds those females attractive, but ask him to keep those thoughts to himself.
Once you have done that you need to work on your self esteem. You said you're seeing a therapist so thats a good start. You may also want to consider changing to a female one. Im not saying females are better then males, but talking to a female can give you a whole new level of understanding that they just cant teach males in 'therapist school'.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2008): Yes, but why do we women have to put up with this?
Guys have a hard time too, there's no questioning, but it isn't the same! Plus, in my case, as I stated, I hate the male stereotype. I can't believe people are attracted to fakeness. I've just had enough, why is a fake version of a woman hotter than the real thing? Why can't I be hotter than them? It's not fair! We were not created like those men and women, we were created as we are, with wrinkles, rolls, and bellies. This is what should be sexy, not some unrealistic fake thing.
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (25 July 2008):
 Hi
Woooahh chill. To a certain extent your guy is right, those girls ARE the ideal, to look at. Thats why they get paid th dollars they do. But they're not a typical female no. But the guy in the porn films isn't the typical male, they are a bit rare, size wise! which is why they get paid the dollars. I think Randy Orton looks yummmmmmmm! Got a few signed pics of him round the house. Would i wanna marry someone that loooks like that? Er no ta.
Not all men fancy the Pamela Anderson type, my sisters husband has always preffered the Fern Britton look. Size 18 homely type (not sure how else to describe it) but most men like to look. They are visual beings, where we aren't so much so.
There is a lot to be said for the media and how it portrays women, why do you think we have so many anorexic girls. Its annoying because we've all lost sight of whats really important in my eyes, and the media have played a part in that in my opinion.
I can see what your bloke is saying to a certain extent, going back to my Randy Orton thing, and ive not dated a guy yet that feels threatened because Randy is eye candy, nothing more. They know he isn't the type i would actually date. Guys cant just go to the gym to get muscles either, it takes time, much the same as if we want to lose a few pounds. But the breasts bit, no, no aount of time at the gym will change those! But thats life, people need to accept what they were given, and be happy with it. Or pay i guess!
I still think its you with the issue here, not so much him. Your opening line, you hate having to compete with...why ndo you feel you need to compete? because of low self asteem. And your guy is right in the way that, most guys would say to look at, those are the ideal girl, so you would be hard pushed to find one that didn't, but they are talking about physically. Its normal when your young to feel insecure about famous models, its when you get older, you see it for what it really is, and know that you dont have to compete. Looks aren't the b all and end all. Lots of te famous models are nice women, but a fair few of them, their looks are all they have. But they get paid a lo so who cares ey. And unless your guy is saying he wans someone like that, its your confidence, and perception of what lifes really all about that needs to change.
C xxxxxx
...............................
A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (25 July 2008):
 Oh right, I forgot. Every male out there looks like a action movie star.
Every male has clear skin, wears make-up and has a hairdresser on standbye.
For that matter, all males can of course hold down a high paying job, pay for luxerious apartment at 20 and still have all the free time in the world able to take days of work at will.
The movies/tv are fantasy, not just the women or the men but the entire lifestyle is fake.
Take the series Cheers. A busy sports bar, run by just 4 people? When do they have their days off? Just where does Norm get his unemployment, when does Cliff deliver the male, in later seasons how does Sam pay for a Corvette on minimum wage?
Don't ask yourself this, it is fantasy. An episode of Friends is no more real then the Fellowship of the Ring.
Oh, and it ain't nice to call women with healthy weights anorexic. Stop shifting the blame for your own issues.
...............................
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (25 July 2008):
I really like what Replacement said, and I think it's true too. It may be helpful to realize that if everybody looked the same then nobody would be interesting. I mean seriously, if every girl out there looked like a Barbie doll then guys would start being attracted to the chunky, pasty white chick with frizzy hair. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I know several guys that have said that they hate "fake chicks." They're down-to-earth enough to know that when she takes off her makeup, her hair isn't done, and she's in sweat pants that she's just like everyone else.
If you feel that eating better and working out at the gym to become healthier and look better will make you feel better about yourself, then do it! Don't do it to please other people. If it will make you feel more attractive and less insecure, then go for it. You don't have to decide to get implants and lip injections to feel better about yourself. If anything you'll have a lot less money (or debt) and you'll probably just look weird. It's pretty obvious to everybody when someone has had work done. Do what makes you feel good.
My first boyfriend (about 6 years ago) would say things that made me feel insecure like telling me I should get implants and that I'm, "movie star pretty, not porn star pretty." What an a-hole! Glad he's gone!
...............................
A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (25 July 2008):
 Your man has some weird views. I assume he's around your age (18-21), so maybe that's the reason for this- he's immature. Or maybe the stripper aesthetic is REALLY what does it for him. Either way, try to ignore his idiotic proclamations.
"They're the ideal and that every man would tell me the same, if they didn't they'd be lying."
If a guy wants a girl who looks like that, he can find one. They are a dime a dozen... hell, teenagers are getting breast implants for graduation presents these days. It's not hard to find a skinny, tan, big breasted, etc, etc... chick.
I see dozens every day (maybe I just live in a special part of town? Or is it like this most other places as well?). Anyway my point is that girls who look "anorexic and fake breasted" are common... because it's what is shown on TV and in porn, so girls try to emulate it in order to seem sexy to guys. These women aren't special, and to be honest, they aren't even that interesting to look at.
They are... Mcdonalds french fries. You know what I mean? You can pick them up on any street, in any city, in any country.
Young men tend to like them because it's what they grew up on. It's in every lad mag, every TV show, and nowadays, in every club and bar as well. That's why they sell... not because they're so amazing, just because we are over-saturated with this ONE image of the 'ideal woman'. If someone tells you something is sexy enough times, you will start to believe it. And then you'll buy whatever they're selling.
As he grows up, he will realize that a cookie cutter definition of hotness will become tiresome. Before long, he'll ditch mainstream porn and start looking up amputees, fat women, midgets, and uber kink porn. Because he'll get bored with big, hard breasts, and collagen-filled lips. He'll develop a more nuanced idea of sexiness and sexuality,
and the pre-teen ideals will fade away with experience.
If you want to, you can stick around with this guy who thinks (apparently) that you're not as attractive as he likes (why is he with you then?), and let him batter your self-esteem a bit more. OR you can tell him that he's an idiot and to stop justifying his ridiculous worldviews by saying "all guys believe this" because it's crap.
Oh and, duh, people look at things that they find attractive. Men AND women will look at someone on the street and think "he's dashing" or "she's gorgeous" or whatever, and it's totally harmless. But it is harmful for him to look at other women and think "that's the ideal, she's much hotter than my girlfriend".
Your boyfriend sounds like a loser.
Sorry.
...............................
|
