A
female
age
30-35,
*uppenZeCake
writes:My boyfriend who I love more that anything else told me we should take a break so he could deal with some issues. A week later I saw he was taking someone to prom and I knew he liked her. Out of jealousy and a need for security, I had sex with a friend of mine who has been interested in me sexually for some time. But my ex and I have been talking and he said he loves me to death but couldn't believe I did that and that we could never be intimate again because he sees me as "dirty". He wanted my virginity but now I'm almost ugly to him....Please help me! Is there anything I can do to show him I'm not dirty???? I really love him and tell him all the time what a mistake that was....
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a break, jealous, my ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, jayokayo  +, writes (30 March 2011):
 your young and still learning about life, what you did doesnt make you dirty. my suggestion is that due to the fact of how he feels towards you now will only make life hard for you both. he wont trust you and you will be using up too much energy convicing him and before you know it time has gone by, sress levels are high, depression sets in and your left at the bottom of the pit. so my advice is to accept what happened and move on, you are young and have your whole life ahead of you so stop wasting your time on realationships and use it to have fun because before you know it you will be in yer 40s and looking back on all the times you wasted on your youth worrying about a relationship. so get out there and enjoy your youth before your youth goes for good.
A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (28 March 2011):
 You probably made a mistake but I wouldn't call you dirty!
Dirty is such a harsh word and could have many different interpretation, but putting in the same sentence with sex is as if your boyfriend used the word dirty to substitute for a harsher word for example slut,whore,or ho and no one has the right to disrespect you or to call you DIRTY!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011): I have read what the others comments are and I find myself agreeing with Dirtball.
Let's rewind : you gave your virginity away to get back at your bf. Perhaps if u start valuing yourself then other will value you as well. You broke off for a week and within that time you had sex with another guy.
If u start your life using sex as a weapon you will find out pretty soon that this will (and it has) blown up in your face.
As for the ex bf, why did he break up with you. Why did he want a break?
What did u try to achieve by having sex with another guy?
Instead of viewing the 'ex' bf negatively I think your priorities need to be questioned.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (28 March 2011):
 I'll start by saying I didn't read what the others posted.
Wow, you're not going to like this, but you are dirty. You used some poor guy friend to get back at your ex by using his feelings to your advantage. Instead of something special, you used your first time as a weapon to try and create jealousy. I think your priorities are badly skewed here! You need to use the fact that this completely blew up in your face to assess your goals and thoughts about relationships.
Please don't interpret this as me agreeing with what your ex did to you. He was a jerk, and deserves to lose you. There is zero doubt about that. You should be less concerned about changing his mind though and more concerned about how you may have hurt a good friend in the process of your revenge.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (28 March 2011):
The only thing that comes to my head is that he wanted a break to take another chick to the prom and nail her, since you being a virgin you were off limits.
He sounds like a complete idiot and didn't think clearly on his decision of taking a break from his relationship. He obviously wanted to get laid he went out with someone who would do it and than return to you to eventually score with you too. He finds out you gave your goodies to someone else and now he is the offended boyfriend, correction you were on a break therefore not in a relationship.
A women chooses who to give her body to and also has the right to give her virginity to whoever she chooses.Don't feel bad or embarrassed about your decision you shouldn't feel bad and he has no right in calling you dirty.
I would recommend you leave him and start fresh. This guy will never fully respect you because he has a lot of growing up to do.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011): Several things:1. If he is worth it?If you want a closure, find out what he was doing in the Prom. From what you said, he was taking another person to "Prom" as "The" date. What if he just wanted a real "Girl" "Friend" to company him?Anyway, what he said was nasty. Unless he apologizes and really means it, I wouldn't recommend to go back to.2. If you are worth it?I can understand that young people these days are sexually active. However, you had sex with other person just because you were jealous, that is not a good reason to me.
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female
reader, janey229  +, writes (28 March 2011):
I agree with everyone else here, I don't know him but from what you say he doesn't sound very nice and you deserve better.Yeah you may have been a bit quick with your friend, but he has absolutely no right to be upset, taking someone else who he liked to prom sounds horrible. If he had any respect for you or cared about you he would not have done that.It seems to me like he wanted to check if this other girl would have him, and as she has probably rejected him now wants to turn back to you.Don't be second best seriously, find someone who's going to treat you with respect. And it sounds very weird to go on a break with someone and then announce that you wanted their virginity, it's a strange concept saying that for starters and secondly you don't go on a break if that's the case!Steer clear!
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 March 2011):
 I totally agree with the aunts, especially Honeypie. Your boyfriend will use this incident as a club to keep you under his control and in his back pocket. Wise up to his machinations and show him the door.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 March 2011):
 You can dump his dumb ass.This guy will hold this over you heard for the rest of your relationship. Every time he is mad at you for something he will bring this up. Every time you disagree with him, he will bring this up.Personally, I don't believe in needed/taking a break in a relationship. Either people make it work or they don't.I don't think you did anything wrong in being with someone else on a break. How were you to know that you two would get back together? You didn't. You chose to have sex with someone you obviously know and trusted enough.And hun, yo uare not dirty in any way or shape. HIS mind is what's dirty!
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male
reader, thomas1214  +, writes (28 March 2011):
ya chigirl has the right idea. and i wouldnt even say keep it together. he's trying to make you feel bad for doing what you did.. paaaalllleeeaaassseee. this is what you do. if this douche bag wants you back then let him come to you without calling you nasty and dirty. if he utters those words then he's a serious ass and i would say expect more "breaks" with him. so in that case break it off with him. if he wants to leave then screw it let him leave.
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reader, Capri2  +, writes (28 March 2011):
There is a couple of things I don't get here.1. Why did he break up a week before prom? I reckon he could have planned that. What else beside taking this girl to prom have happened between them. Maybe they had sex too.2. Why, if you love him so much, did you have sex with another guy? I don't see jealousy a good reason for that.In the first place I would like to know about the first question. I guess it's very important because that would let you know whether his claim is real. I mean, if he had sex too you are just even, or he is in a poorer condition because he planned this. And in that case having sex with your friend was a good decision.But maybe he dated this girl out of real confusion and realized it was wrong. And, maybe, it was just a date. If that's true you have made a big mistake.Let's make this clear, you should have waited before doing something like loosing your virginity to another guy. At least you should have waited until you were certain that you boyfriend did this on purpose.Once again, I guess the right answer depends on what you know about what your boyfriend did. And if he did this out of a plan.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 March 2011):
 hi CuppenZeCake,what he called you is nasty.You are under no obligation to try to convince him you are OK. You are not 'nasty'. He has no right to call you that.And i am very sad to hear that a guy would call his girlfriend that abusive name.Yet he was also nasty enough to choose to go with someone else to the Prom? That is really low on his part. Even if you and he were on a break, surely he could have relented, while you were on a break? And invited you, his loyal, loving girl friend to the prom?Besides HE wanted a break. You has no guarantee that if he asked a girl he liked (but sadly, not you) to the prom, that the possibility was there, that the 'break' could have meant that you and he might be over, if he and girl he took to the prom really 'clicked'?OK, it was impetuous of you to connect with that other guy. But i can certainly understand how very hurt you must have been feeling, at the time.But it is your virginity. You are in charge of your body. Not him. you can choose, not him, and it is your virginity to offer to who you choose.He lost his opportunity by abusing your trust in him, when he said he just wanted a break, but then invited a different girl to the prom.He is now acting nasty and immaturely. When and where does he take into consideration that he has hurt you? Can he stop labelling you and stop calling you that uncalled for nasty name? I do understand and accept that you love him to bits.But is he good enough for you if he will vilify you by calling you dirty? Is he mature enough to comprehend how he also hurt you?Does he understand that your body is yours? You have the right to say yes or no. And although he may not enjoy that he lost the opportunity to be the one to enjoy making love to you as your first, the milk has been spilt. IF he truly loves you, he will get over it.And just because you did go with the other guy, it is STILL your choice to delay having sex with any other guy, for as long as you choose to say no. Whereas IF he was staying with you, with one of the attractions that kept him interested was his view that he was certain to become your 'first', then maybe that is not enough for him to qualify for your trust?If he truly loves you, then i would prefer to hear him consoling you, over how cruel and insensitive he has been, making a drama out over this, calling you nasty names, and taking another girl to the prom.you and he may be destined to be together a long time, but first there needs to be some calm, and more respect, and trust developed and understanding and empathy between the two of you. Is he capable of stepping up to the plate? To be the man for you?When he can look more objectively at this situation, it is not who was the first, that is most important, in connection with who makes love to you next. What is important is that who you connect with next is your choice. Your choice of who, when, where etc. And who you choose will hopefully be a guy who demonstrates his complete trust in you, his respect for you, his commitment to you. And hopefully his love for you.If he can step up and be that man, then maybe he can also demonstrate by his ACTIONS how much more kind, caring, sensitive he CAN be towards you? To do that he needs to develop his empathy and understanding towards you.Oh, and an apology for trying to denigrate you and trying to make you feel horrible about your first sexual experience would also be the manly thing for him to offer you.You are still the same good person, prior to and subsequent to your sexual experience. Good luck with these issues.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 March 2011):
 Were you a virgin? And why did you want a friend to be your first, instead of this boy that you say you love so much?
I think that in either case you just have to walk away from this seeing it as a life lesson. This is what happens when people say they want a break, it is VERY common! One partner wants a break, then sex with someone else is involved, and then the other partner gets sad because of that etc.
The reason why your boyfriend is now upset is because HE wanted to be the one to have other women. He is upset that you took advantage of being on break as well. You can tell him that if he didn't want you to have sex then he shouldn't have gone on a break! Simple as that.
Most people who say they want a break don't really want a break. They just say they do, but in reality they want something else. And in my world there is no such thing as a break, you're either in or you're out! Your boyfriend wanted a "break" where you sit patiently at the sideline waiting for him while he goes out and dates other girls... That's why he's upset.
But I also agree with him in one point, if you go on a break and want a person back, you can't have sex or kiss or be intimate with anyone else during this break. But, those rules NEED to be discussed and agreed upon BEFORE the break! Which your boyfriend didn't.
All in all, you didn't do anything wrong. Your boyfriend called for a break, and you were on a break. He didn't like what happened, then he shouldn't have gone on a break... because this is what happens when couples take a break! So take it as a life lesson, and in the future don't go on breaks, either break it off completely or stay together. At this point I do not think you and your boyfriend can stay a couple as he will hold this against you and is already shaming you for it by calling you dirty. He will make you feel bad for this, even though he has no right to.
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